dazed one

Another bad day yesterday and another day 1 today. Started out alright... sold my scooter and got a reasonable price. Called my sister and we had a massive fight (well, she just screamed and screamed at me and I said nothing... accuses me of bullying her for the past 15 years, yet she's the one who frequently screams and bullies me). She said so many nasty, nasty things. So... did I start using some of the techniques I've been learning to calm and soothe myself? No. I took $500 of the scooter money and blew it at a casino... then came home took another $500 and blew it at another casino. Then felt all panicky and put $1100 in my new savings account which I set up so that I can't access it with my card. Came home and got completely wasted. Woke in the middle of the night with a massive headache which still lingers. Healthy way to handle it, right? I wish I never would have told my sister anything. She just can't handle it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8Pp7QB6GrE

Hello Carla

Still reading and silently willingly you on.

Keep getting it out, don't let it fester. It really doesn't matter whether day 1 or a 1000. Just keep marching on and find the Carla you know exists.

As Dp said keep your head high, your facing your demons, we areslow learners, yet opening the doors and relearning to live in the present.

(( C ))

Thanks, V, for that encouragement. Means a lot. Cooked up some healthy food yesterday and ate like a horse (prob because I don't think I ate at all the day before). Determined to have a decent day. For me, that means getting off the couch and getting some things done. Strength to all.

Healthy food is good Carla, i love cooking indian ! i mean it is best food on this planet without a doubt !

As V says keep your head up high and focus on what is important, try to think what someone will say at your funeral (depressing i know) and use that as the starting point for change !

Which would you prefer ? here lays a girl who gave into all her demons and who's life became useless and worthless OR here lays Carla who showed great strength in the midst of many personal challenges and beat all her demons and gave so much back to life ? STOP that f*****g (sorry volcano) going to Casino ok ? and change your life, we all want to change so let's do it ! Dark Place

Yes, DP... Keeping on fighting. Heard from my bestie yesterday so that made me feel better. Didn't talk about anything serious. She asked if I want to go to a concert on Friday...an acoustic set by Chris Murray formerly of King Apparatus, a ska band. Since it's only 10 bucks and I've been skimping like crazy, I think I can manage it. I probably won't feel like going come Friday but will force myself as I usually feel better around people and love live music especially.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flQy7N44sY0

Hey Carla,

I'm so pleased to read, that everything is falling back into places for you..Patience is the key...You go girl, get out and enjoy your day with your friend..

You doing great and i am very happy that you keep fighting for what is yours....and it is your Life, which you deserve to life to the full;)

Take care and stay strong

Sandra x

Good on you Carla.

We spend so much time, dwelling in the past and fretting about the future and we forget that the present is more than any gift. so enjoy the company of your best bud and enjoy some live music.

We're in the process of reproggraming our selves from the past times which have blighted our lives. Need to live again, even is only for a day at a time.

Were all a product of some S***e or other but our core's are golden. Keep marching forward and don't look back, avoid the potholes.

Strength and honor to you. And as DP said, stick a brick in them casino windows. Angers natural, hence use these diarys to get it out, don't let it be a route back to gambling.

Here and willing you on

Paul

Thanks, all. Went downtown to support group last night and as I stood on the street having a cig before going in, I heard a car honking like crazy and looked over. Turns out it was my ex engaging in a little road rage. I am so glad I don't get those blood boiling adrenaline rushes upon seeing him like I used to... could just watch without heavy emotion. Meeting was pretty good last night.

Watched The Shift, the Dyer movie that was posted on the thread of resources Blondie posted and really enjoyed it. Wasn't my plan to watch it today but got drawn into it. While watching, experienced my own little miracle where some hip pain vanished. Going to put myself into the service of others, at least just for today... will wash a bunch of carrots from my garden and give them away. Also, sending all the healing vibes I can across the ocean right now to my special friend, V.

Really happy to read you found 'The Shift' rewarding, Carla. I have to watch it again now, myself. Don't know why, but something compelled me to add a link to it. Strange you mention a pain in the hip too. My had a twinge of pain earlier in the week, from where I once had bursitis (Very painful and debilitating). Luckily, that has long since past, but the odd pain comes about. I feel most fortunate to live in a time where we have the treatment to tackle it, because if this was 50+ years ago, I'd still be walking around with a permanent, painlful limp. We're blessed, we just don't realise it sometimes, I guess.

Well done on your recovery, Carla. An earlier post you made in 2012 mentions self-sabotage. I can emphasise with this a lot. During my early gambling days, when I got sucked in by the buzz, my words exactly were "This is self-sabotage, why am I doing this to myself."

Whilst my recovery has been a tough early on, with a few slips, it has been worth it in the long run. Now nearing a year, I just can't go back to it. I feel I have escaped the 'escape', if you get me. Still have to be careful but I feel confident of this. It is within us all. We can learn from our failings, move on and start over.

Wish you well.

All the best,

Alex

Hey Carla,

Wow...what a day on the forum....i only logged in earlier on and seen so many negativity going on...i hate this addiction...it takes everything from us and never stops.

You are doing mighty well darling, don't let everything get to you. You are as important in this recovery as everyone else..

I wish i had a magic wand and take all the worries away from people.....it's cr**, some days i don't see a way forward at all...but we are here for a reason and every day just can get stronger...

Never give up girl...never ever give up and believe in yourself..

Take care now, i have to rush back to work:-)

Sandra x

P.s. your support is most appreciated

Good morning Carla

Thank so much for your post, with the good vibes to boot.

No slip just a lal shift in these dodgy foundations.

Enjoy the live music this eve.

((C))

Thanks Sandra and Paul, I am not sure I am looking forward to going out tonight as it's been a long time and haven't seen my bestie since we had words. She called me yesterday and asked if I wanted an organic chicken... said she has too many in her freezer. I'm not sure if I believe her. I suspect she's looking out for me. Last time my sis was here she noticed I have lost some weight. They probably talked and think I'm not eating. I am, though. Oh well. Glad I have people who care and I will force myself to go out no matter how I feel tonight. I may even have fun. Doc apptmt today.. reassess. I do have to say I've felt somewhat better the past couple of days, esp after watching "The Shift". Decided yesterday to really try to get out of my head and just let things be... stop the fight with myself. Gave me a bit of relief. Spoke with my sis and bro-in-law and made peace of sorts but did lie to them ... well, withheld info when they asked what I did with my scooter money. I told them about the $$ deposited in my savings account and then managed to deflect the conversation so as not to talk about the part of it I gambled. Didn't want to lie/withhold that but my sister can "go off" in an instant and has high blood pressure already (which she blames on me) so I thought it best to handle it that way. I will remain honest with my doc and addictions counsellor, though, and on this forum. I think the main thing I need to focus on is to stop being my own worst enemy. Stop self-beratement and criticism. Stop fighting with myself. Let it be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdMBdYVWvKw

As I predicted, I did not want to go out last night but I forced myself. As we approached the venue, I stopped outside for a cig and was approached by a very drunk street fellow who decided to serenade me and tell me how beautiful I am. Found myself imagining myself on the street. Who would I befriend? Where would I sleep? How would I survive the very harsh winter? Even thought to myself that I should try sleeping outside one night and see how I make out! Worries me because some of my imaginings have come true in the past. Friends paid for my entry to the show and a couple of drinks, despite my protests. Really enjoyed the show and danced or swayed to the music most of the night. Rarely is my mind free of thoughts focused on my addictions but last night I had a bit of a reprieve. I think our souls connect with the universe when we're doing something we love. Music and travel and food are probably the things that turn my crank the most but they usually involve money. And when I did have money, which I once had a lot of, I turned away from doing those things more and more and instead turned to gambling. Why? Maybe because we're meant to share the things we love with others and I couldn't/wouldn't find a person or people to share with often enough? Disappointed myself again by spending more of the money I got from the scooter on gambling. It went fast. Trying to think about it in a way that will help prevent further slips without beating myself up. Bought a couple cd's last night since my friends paid my way. Maybe I should have saved it but decided to support the musicians. Friends want me to go out again tonight but I'm not sure I can handle 2 nights in a row. Shouldn't spend any dough anyway. Will see. Rambling now.

((((Carla))))

We can do it....WE HAVE TO DO IT....this addiction likes it or not....we can't give up.

Thank you darling...please stay strong yourself..

S x