dazed one

As I expected, my sister said no to lending me money. I've really screwed myself this time. I will have to tell the bank that I can't make my payments. I did put out an ad to sell something so hopefully a miracle occurs and a buyer appears.

Hi Carla.... your feeling the consequences of your gambling just like ive done on many occasions over the years. If only we could bottle it and have a quick taste when the urge to gamble next strikes.

Stay focussed in these difficult times and don't gamble. Keep writing... its therapy. All the best... S.A

Sheesh... Just wrote a response and somehow managed to delete the whole thing. Thanks, S.A I am experiencing extreme stress and it's so hard to find the energy to stay focused or write. I can't think clearly. Much as I'd like to curl up into a ball and shut the world out, I know that's not an option. I did manage to work in the garden yesterday and also put up an advertisement for another tenant and to sell my scooter. A friend called and asked me to go on a one night camping trip and I'm wrestling with that. On the one hand, I'd like to go and don't get that many occasions to socialize and it would cost very little. I'd have to scrounge for change but could come up with just enough to pay my share. On the other hand I'll probably need that "change", don't know if I can keep up my little charade or get into the right head space to go. I still have to email the banker and ask to see him but I could ask for a Wednesday appointment. That would be a week after missing my payments for the first time. I just can't think clearly.

I decided that I wouldn't go camping. I've been doing a bit of reading on this site today and for the first time noticed Sabine's (Charly's) diary. Wow. What a woman she was and I discovered that she even posted in my diary some time ago. I read her story and it made me weep and at other times, smile. She had an amazing story and was an amazing woman. I'm ashamed to say I've been too self-absorbed to have noticed before now. I feel inspired by her today. I'm going through some extreme difficulty right now but, in her honour, I will keep it together, face the consequences of my gambling and be as strong as I can be. I will remember her words of wisdom (I copied and pasted some of them into my own little "recovery quotes" doc. I know she's been gone a year now but her legacy and inspiration are still having an effect on me, and I'm sure many others. RIP Sabine.

So... I had myself all psyched up to call my banker today and call my doctor. Forgot it's a holiday. So... another 24 hours or more of waiting hell. @#$!%#% So I decide to go outside and do some gardening and the #@$%! neighbourhood s***k decimated my carrots. Back is aching. Wishing for some kind of sign that things are going to be ok.

Hello Carla,

I have just invested some serious time reading your recovery diary. You were one of the first people to welcome me here. I don't feel I can offer any advice to you because I am at such an early point on my journey but I just wanted to say that I am rooting for you.

Don't ever stop fighting

James

Thanks, James. I'm rooting for you too. Due to your post, I went back and re-read my own diary and am dismayed that I didn't heed the words of wisdom so many gave me. I guess some of us just have to hit rock bottom..... I tend to engage in far too much self pity and in my self absorption, I didn't read very many other people's diaries. I'm glad that you are doing that and I'm going to start. Though, I haven't had a great day and have many worries, I will try to be more positive. FIVE DAYS since my last bet!

I've made an appointment with my banker (for tomorrow) and with my doctor (in a week). Depending on how it goes with the bank will affect how quickly I will be able to get myself in for some intensive treatment. If it goes well with the bank and I can postpone payments until I have money coming in again, then I will ask my doctor to make a referral to a residential treatment program right away. If it doesn't go well, then I will have to call a realtor and sell my house as quickly as possible. That scenario scares the s**t out of me I will try not to imagine the worst. Instead, I've been spending time cooking up some healthy food. So far, I've made dill soup and just finished a batch of homemade granola. There's $20 cash sitting in front of me but I will not gamble.

Hi Carla, I have read through some of your diary and I really feel your pain. I hope all goes well at the bank and hopefully you can sort out some form of repayment plan. I think it really positive that you have come back on here and like you I have had relapses although it sounds as if this time you are in the right place emotionally to make a change for good. I wish you all the best and keep your strength up, take care x

I've been pondering how I got to where I am now. You see, security and responsibility have always been of utmost importance to me. I remember reading once somewhere that said "your greatest fear has already happened to you" and I never really understood what it meant. I get it now. I decided to google fear and I just found this fantastic article I really liked on a website called skooloflife.com Here it is:

A few days ago I was forced to confront the realization of one of my greatest fears. I lost something I had been hanging on to for dear life and constantly worrying about the day I would lose it. I’d be lying to you if I told you that it didn’t sting or that it didn’t make me feel like I had failed. It sent me into a state of panic, anxiety and sleeplessness that I hadn’t experienced in a long time. I wondered how I would recover from what appeared to be a major setback. Then I remembered that sometimes you take two steps back to take twenty forward and that there is tremendous power in hitting rock bottom.

The End of Your Neurosis

The fear of loss is enough to drive most people to madness. It causes us to continually replay the worst case scenario over and over in our minds. This is almost worst than when it actually does happen since your brain can’t distinguish between what’s imagined and what’s real. So now instead of experiencing your worst case scenario just once, you live through it on rewind. But when it does finally happen, the neurosis stops. The voice in your head finally shuts the hell up, and the movie ends. You’re free to walk out of the theater of your darkness into the light where infinite possibilities exist.

Infinite Possibilities

Resisting and fighting something that has already happen is kind of silly when you think about it. But it’s also how most of us process setback when it initially happens. We question why. We wonder what we could have done differently. We worry about the future. Yet NONE of this will change a d**n thing what’s happened.

It’s only when we finally stop resisting our circumstances that we’re no longer controlled by them. It’s only then we can step back and ask that one question that will make a dramatic difference in your life. ”What’s actually possible? In that moment your canvas clears and you remember how true it is that you can’t paint a masterpiece on a cluttered canvas. Inside the liberating realization of our greatest fears lies a world of infinite possibilities. But you’ll be blind to all of them if you become a victim of your circumstances.

Nothing to Lose

There’s a strange emptiness when you reach that place where you have nothing to lose. But you’re also overcome by this ironic sense of power that anything is possible.

You realize that it’s the opportunity to set the bar higher, and dream far beyond where you were before.

Talked to my sister on the phone last night and got very annoyed. My gut told me that she probably told someone about me so I asked her and I was right. She is a "trusted" friend but still... I explicitly asked my sister not to tell her and she did. Also, only 5.5 hours until I meet with my banker. I guess I'll just go in and confess my massive screw up. Any advice as to anything in particular I should say to the banker? Anyone?

I dont have any particular insight into bankers, and less so in America where I am sure things must work slightly differently but I would just say be as honest as you can and give positive evidence of how you intend to fight through this. If you can make them believe in you then they will take the most painless course of action; which is to give you breathing space.

Dont dwell on what has happened, focus on what you are going to do about it.

Oh James... I am so confused at the moment. I had in mind to go in and be completely honest but have spoken to both brother and brother-in-law recently and they both say not to do that. They're saying to go in and just be factual (not personal) about my inability to pay (right now) and try to get info rather than give info...try to find out my options. Only 1 hour and 20 minutes until I have to be there (it's 5 min away). I feel sick to my stomach and afraid I'm going to blow it. I do have a tendency to say too much. Yikes.

Well, the banker wasn't the "evil" fella I envisioned who could read my mind and would chastise and threaten me. I took my bro's and bro-in-law's advice and I didn't say too much. It doesn't seem I have any options with the bank in terms of refinancing, though. I did let them know that I have no money coming in until the end of September (and by then, I will be in more arrears than I am now as I will have missed payment on two lines of credit). I did find out that I still have overdraft protection on another account so I can still access $1700 credit (AT 19% interest though). I did feel an impulse to withdraw that and head straight to a casino, but I didn't act on that impulse. I will need that money for food and smokes. Not sure what i'm going to do.... I've advertised my scooter but haven't had any bites. Will I have to sell my car? Or should I just bite the bullet and put my house up for sale? I don't expect anyone to answer those questions but me and I just don't have the answers yet. These are scary times. Why didn't I ever think of the consequences of my gambling before?

Well done for resisting that urge to blow the 1700 - I think you should consider protecting yourself from the access to that money in some way. You cant be sure you wont act on that urge in future as it is bound to come back.

Now that some people know about your situation - use them, give them some control of your finances and maybe if they know you cant gamble with your money maybe they might be willing to lend you the money for the sake of your house?

Is there anyone who could lend you the money to directly pay the bank - in exchange you would have to give them some way of knowing that you wont or cant gamble anymore -surrendering your finances to them would be a benefit to you in all ways.

Hope some of that might help.