Dear Diary... One step at a time

Thanks for the links! I'll get round to that over the weekend.

I watched a bbc3 documentary with the guy from the real hustle. I enjoyed it and it made me feel lucky, the people were much worse off than me. I say lucky but I felt sad too.

Although I have self excluded from online I have not the real life casinos in town. Today got a letter through as a gold member and a highly valued customer bla bla, a voucher attached. No thank you!

Duplicate post

Been busy all weekend! Nearly at my door now, chores to be done but they can wait.

Just been sat on a coach for an hour with no internet or earphones so an hour of thinking time. Thinking what do I want to do in life? Firstly I want to learn to drive something I've never got round to doing. Since stopping gambling I know early days I've joined the gym trying to pick up other things to do rather than sit spinning the reels.

Oh and my 'bf' who I was thinking about opening up to, well I decided against it and I'm glad as all we've done this week is argue. I'm taking a break from him too so I've blocked him on all social media and contactable means. He knows about the gambling to a point. I told him I had stopped but instead of being supportive he would say things that made me feel guilty and ashamed about gambling. I face the reality of it daily I don't need him to be on my back too

Hi all

What a silly close call I has this evening. I just really really had the urge to gamble and I started to trawl for sites I was not SE from and tried and tried until I found one, went through lost username password etc and got in. I deposited £5 and opened up my favourite game which was sitting with a jp of 70k.

I knew what I was doing was not right, my conscience pricked up and immediately I logged onto the Gamcare site and opened up chat, I just had to say what I was doing, I don't even remember the chat names I was confused with my emotions. I did not make one spin, one bet, I just withdrew my deposit straight away.

To be honest I am kinda annoyed I let myself go as far as that but then the other part of me says well it's only a fiver it would have hardly done any damage.

Tomorrow is a new day, I am so close to being 50 days gamble free. Really guys I am finding these latter days harder.

hi it's a really really tough addication to beat, you did great contacting gamcare after the deposit, this addication has gripped me for ten years, don't succumb, once you start you want stop again, until you have a big fall.

Another day I was thinking about gambling once again. I'm back to work in the week so I'll be busy and I have gym classes so hopefully too busy to have time.

Can't believe how close I was last night, thankfully I came to my senses quick sharp.

Day 48 GF

Day 50

I wish it was getting easier

Have you taken real life support? Counselling, meetings?

CW

Hi BF , When I first stopped gambling time seemed to stand still and drag , every 5 minutes my gambling mind was having a little nag at me to feed it and allow it a bit of slack , it was telling me all the reasons I could go back to the old way of life and that I didn't need to worry because hey I'd had a month away from gambling and I could control it now and who would know if I just played with a quick fifty quid , no harm done because I could just stop again eh ??.

I didn't give in , I sat with those feelings for a while and then got on with something until the thoughts had left as quickly as they came .

I carried on doing this everytime I needed to , not giving in and just focusing on the fact that one day those thoughts wouldn't bother me to much anymore , next week I'm coming up for a year gamble free and from experience can let you know that It really does get better and easier to deal with the longer you go but of course only if that's what you really , really want ?.

50 days is a fantastic achievement , draw strength from that alone and youv'e already done the hard bit so just keep focused on the better life ahead at keep taking it One day at a time .

Best wishes Alan

Day 60

Been so busy with different things. Had a night out on Friday and whilst merry I thought about the casino but never got there thankfully. Trying not to spend money so I can pay off my credit card and bills faster.

It's nice to read other diaries, it's inspiring emotional and motivational.

Together we can do this

Well I've been absent from the forums because I've been gambling.

I couldn't tell you why, I don't know.

Just been paid and put money towards my credit card. All other bills taken care off so I have 400 pound for the month and the temptation I have right now I can't control.

Been playing online slots.

I feel like I'll never ever be in control of this fully. Maybe I got complacent thinking

Don't know what has happened. I feel like an idiot