Defective

Sorry to hear your pain. When attending GA what benefits did you get? What made you stop attending? Did you follow the 12 step program offered to you as a possible solution?

Thanks for the support.

In the past I have got a lot out of attending GA, similar to Gamcare its support from people who have been / are in the same situation. Ultimately it was gambling that stopped me from attending and then gambling that made me go again! I followed the twelve steps to a point but never “worked” at them enough if you know what i mean. Where i live there was three meetings a week a steps meeting on a Monday a closed meeting on a Tues (today.....) and a open meeting on a Friday, i know the support is there and will go, posting on Gamcare is the first step.

Thanks again, hope your doing well.

Good on you Defeated

Getting back into Gamcare and GA was my first step as well. Most people hardly work the twelve steps at first. Something to do with the path of least resistance i suppose. Well that was my excuse. Tri

f**k*d up again last night.

Went to the same pub with £10 in my pocket, had a few pints watched the football and a fella pumping notes into the same bandit I lost £250 in on Monday, he left after playing for about an hour with no win. I had 5 20ps left.....................

The £1 went in closely followed by not one but two sprints home for cash.......Lost £41...... didn’t care, did this morning.....

From the depths of depression and despair to gambling on the same machine........less than 24 hours.

Its funny (well funny might not be the correct word) I never used to give in until I lost about £1000, so I set my bank account up to pay everything on pay day then transferred just about all the rest to my Mam to give me back in weekly instalments. Now when I loose £100 or £200 I feel just as bad as when I have ploughed through a grand.

It’s not about the money its addiction, its self harm, I’m vulnerable.

I have been doing this all my adult life.

Not even day one but im talking.........

Day 1 – Went as well as could be expected, rightly still feeling depressed about my actions, but managed to fight off some very strong urges to visit the FOBT to try and win my money back, what would I have fed my kids on this weekend if I had lost? So went out for a few pints instead...... still not comfortable in my own company, but that’s another battle.

Day 2- Has started ok, didn’t wake up to early like the previous days. Increased my productivity at work to a reasonable level. Picked up kids after work, all good.

Day 3/4- Constant low level urges but had the kids all weekend, it’s not a fool proof method but gambling only seems to affect me when I haven’t got the kids.

Been thinking a lot about my what triggers the need for me to gamble and uncertainty seems to be the biggest trigger, if I’m not black and white about something it seems to increase the urge to gamble especially if its relating to personal relationships. It’s like my mind gives up when it’s facing something it’s not comfortable with and turns its attention to gambling.

Start of day 5 – Early wake up again, not sure its gambling related, just other bad decisions I have made.........if something can never work why do I keep trying? Just like gambling I fail to give up on something that’s not good for my mental or physical health.

I am responsible for myself and my actions, nobody’s decisions apart from my own can make me gamble. Just for today I will not gamble.

Hi Tom.

No post from you since 2nd Feb? If you are anything like me then that spells trouble. Get yourself back on here and start ticking off those days. What are you now Tom, 32? That's a good age to stop. Plenty of good years ahead of you IF you start taking responsibility for your actions and start making the right decisions.

I've always kept an eye out for your diary and I will continue to do so. I still wish you would change that bloody username! A positive mindset is really important. Most of my sporting heroes have been defeated at some point, but it is bouncing back stronger and claiming victory that have made them heroic. You are in control of your own destiny Tom.

I look forward to seeing you back posting regularly. A better life can be yours. Determination and discipline are key.

Curly.

Defeated

come back and start recovery. U haven't been on here in a while and like me please don't give up on giving up.

Carltoby

Done it all again, back to blowing thousands.

Not even day one so I'm in that numb state. Proper whirlwind gambling no sense to it at all, but that's the entire point there is no sense to it. If I loose I chase if I win I gamble until I loose. I have known this for 10 years.....

Not been to work today, my excuse was morally unacceptable. I want to say I'm better than that...but I'm not its that simple.

I have no plan when it comes to pressure, I get told on a daily basis that I'm the most laid back man in the world..... If only they knew. The many faces of the gambler......

Got two friends at the moment with real problems, and I'm sat here contemplating issues that I have solely caused! What kind of friend does that make me?

Blah blah blah blah.

I'd say it's the right time now to get straight back up and continue fighting.

Nothing changes if nothing changes, you can do this with every barrier and block in place and giving yourself a big break, by committing 100% to recovery,

Never give up on giving up, recovery is in front of you.

Take care and keep strong.

Suzanne xx

Hi Tom.

Welcome back. I wish it were under different circumstances.

Time for some tough love. You are like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Take a look at all the other diaries and user names on here. What have they in common? A bit of hope and positivity? Compare them to yours! 'Defective' by 'Defeated'. See the problem? You have got zero chance of taking control of your gambling problem with a mindset like that. You have to want to stop gambling and you have to believe you can do it.

Giving up gambling might seem impossible to you right now but I'm telling you that you can do it. Look yourself in the mirror tomorrow morning and tell yourself that you are going to be strong and that you are not going to gamble. At the end of the day look in the mirror again and congratulate yourself for being strong and taking a little step toward a better life. Do that EVERY day and before you know it those little steps will become giant strides.

Think positively. I wish you well as always.

Curly.

Thank you both for your support and encouragement.

Still not sure about the username Curly! Gambling has defeated me it's that simple, I feel I have to remember this.

Day one went as expected. At the end I always think "why?" I knew how it was going to end, I gamble until I loose it's as simple as that been doing it for (I always say 10 years, but I'm 33 now...) 15 years. So why can't I learn? Madness.

Spent all night reading diaries, but couldn't post.

Day two - I will not gamble today.

I will not gamble today. I like the sound of that. Those days will soon start racking up. Good work Mr D.

Day 3, I will not gamble today.

Emotions that have been buried by gambling I now have to process. Struggling.

Well done on your new start. Keep ticking those days off.

Best wishes