Defective

Thankyou Balvaird, much appriciated.

Day 4, i will not gamble today.

Emotionally im in a mess, not really thinking about gambling just about my life.

The only positive thing i have done is gone swimming for the last two days in my lunch hour.

Im not coping, wish there was a rewind button, not for gambling reasons. Id go back three years ago to the birth of my youngest and make some different decisions.

Hindsight eh.

They say that true forgiveness of ourselves can only come when we give up the hope that our pasts could have been different

Thank you day@atime, that's what makes this forum special comments from people who have walked in our shoes.

Made me think.

Mr D. Where are you? Come back and post soon. Support is here if you want it.

Curly10

Hi Defeated

I've been in the same boat as you many times, pumping money into pub bandits when you know you can never get all your money back. I've also got to the point with fobts where on £100 spins and max win £500 i'm not going to get my money back, it's stupid but we both continue to do it.

I find the only way to keep off the gambling it to keep reminding myself of the feeling everytime i've lost a load of money, just keep going you can do it.

Last bet 30/10/2015

I’m just going to type and see what comes out.

The last three months have been the worst I have ever experienced, my addiction to compulsive gambling has lead me to deceive to steal and to manipulate almost constantly, the sums involved are frightening I have lost more money than I have earnt this year. I feel hopelessness like never before (self pity bullsh*t).

I have more blocks in place than ever, but even the blocks I have in place I feel I have put there to manipulate myself (I’m doing something to make me feel better about myself but not shutting all the doors) I’m self excluded from every bookies in my home town but still manage to gamble online using other peoples devices. Been back to GA, on my fourth session of Gamcare funded counselling (would recommend, painful but necessary) in the past when I have done positive things my abstinence has been longer, not in the last two years.

What’s changed in the last two years? My partner of 9 years left me and took our two children, this has broken me. The relationship was / is toxic I accept this, it will never work. I was cheated on and domestically abused, I love her / am addicted to her. I need to walk away but I can’t because of the children. Three months ago my ex tried to kill herself with the children in the house she rang me and I collected the kids and rung an ambulance, two months ago her mum died. I think because I love (read addicted to her) I wanted to be there for her, but I wasn’t wanted. I see my children every weekend all weekend this is the only thing that lifts my depression.

I know my gambling is self harm, pure and simple, I know that but I still continue. I know that gambling will lead me to prison, the madhouse or death. I would never kill myself because I love my children but I didn’t think I could steal of the people who brought me up and showed me unconditional love, but I did. Because of my actions I don’t have the support network around me that I used to.

I know what I need to do, but can I do it or will I just continue to deceive myself? Only my future actions will tell. My mental health is suffering, there needs to be an end to this. The triangle is currently broken and it needs to stay this way, because all the blocks in the world don’t stop me gambling if I have access to money.

Counselling tonight and need to get back on the GA horse, I will not give in I have two girls that depend on me.

Counselling went well last night (if that’s the right word to use) It always leaves me feeling a bit open, guess it’s because I’ve been closed for so long, should have done it a long time ago.

I will not gamble today.

Mood has irrationally increased today, still got the same problems but have managed to get through my day at work and have been fairly productive..... A vast improvement. Think I could be Bi Polar? Self diagnosis so probably bull*hit.

My councillor has been hinting that I should go to the doctors and is concerned that I could be depressed (quell surprise!) not sure I should go, I don’t want to take anti depressants and I’m already doing counselling, is there anything else I could be missing out on?

Seeing my eldest daughter tonight for our midweek few hours, keeps me going till the weekend. If I continue to gamble or partake in other compulsive / addictive behaviours then they will be more likely to do the same, that’s not what a good Dad does.

Keep going my family and I deserve better than this.

I will not gamble today.

Good to see you back posting D, and with such brutal honesty.

Keep trying. It does get easier. For me it is all about breaking the cycle. Take it day by day and after a few weeks it will get easier. I don't have kids but I think if I did then I would maybe carry a photo of them with me at all times to look at when the gambling demon rears it's head. A reminder of what is important in life.

It's never too late to change. Stay strong D.

Thanks Curly,

Your proving to be quite an inspiration once again! Not saying that you have cracked it, complacency is an enemy!

It is positive that I’m back posting, anything that helps I’m going to do.

No counselling this coming Monday due to my counsellor being on Jury duty, disappointing as I feel I get allot out of talk based therapy, there’s always GA on Tuesday, I always take something from GA but going back after so many frequent massive (well continuous) two year relapses doesn’t feel right (addiction talking?) f**k it GA on Tuesday it will be!

Plan for weekend:

• Spending time with my beautiful daughters. Got food and am able to borrow some money for cinema or swimming.

• Opening the three months of letters that have piled up and contacting StepChange.

• Think about going to the doctors, really think.

• Tidy the house.

• Cut up old bank card (full £1.11 on it) order new one and hand it to my Mum.

To enable me to give up gambling the triangle needs to be permanently broken, will power is not enough. If I have access to money I will gamble simple as that.

Today I will not gamble.

Hi defeated,

Thank you for your message. I really do appreciate it. I hope that you have a great, gambling free weekend.

Best wishes

Dave

Well its been 6 years since I joined this forum... need to start again.

Last month has been crazy.... If I wasn't a compulsive gambler I could have collected a 5 figure sum.... But I am and I accept that... or do i?

Today was mental.... lost 600.... back up to 1100... had to wait for the safe.... You know the story... Spin, spin, spin, spins.... Left with nothing.... after 900 on Tuesday and 5.5K a week ago...

I don't care about money, so why do I do it? does anyone know? Its not about money though ive lost more.... My two beautiful girls, the woman that I love, they went 3 years ago. Don't get me wrong, I have them 2 nights a week but.... I don't know just rambling..

I know what I need to do, I know I cant win cause I cant stop... I need to exclude from all the shops that are letting me back in... I need a life that's not centred around adiction. Gambling, drugs, drink, women ive had problems with them all.... this is about me.

Exclude.... Go to GA.... post on here.... Go back to counseling.... I have really Tried in the past done all of the above... Had long periods of abstinence but ultimately Im me..... A f**k up...

I need to focus.... Act now.... Take the advice that I would give to others... Exclude, give up my finances... Talk in real life..

I am a compulsive gambler.

Abstinace is my only option.

Please stop abusing yourself.... There will be nothing left...

Sorry it's all so hard but when you're good and ready to stop and not before, you'll walk the walk and not just talk the talk. It's what you DO that changes things, not what you think you might consider doing next week. You know the tools, yes, they're boring and you've heard them all before but no quick fixes exist. Use the counselling and GA and blockers and ODAAT, keep using the counselling and GA and blockers and ODAAT, keep using the counselling and GA and blockers and ODAAT even when you'd prefer to gamble, keep using them even when they're "not working" (ie you want to gamble) and just keep using them whatever life throws at you. Think long term for real change - forget about quick fixes.

Wish you well,

CW