Degenerate XIV

@adam123 Thanks for your post and thanks for your kind words in Chat the other day. 

Day 43

Managed to get through another Saturday. A bit of a wobble as I showed some interest in the Cheltenham results.

As I am self employed, I am able to pay myself ahead of schedule as long as I have tax money available and I know I have money coming in. Anyway, I paid myself 3 weeks early! I did a bit of shopping and overdid it, shop didnt accept my Amex and instead of transferring the small amount I needed, I took my next wage.

I made a part payment to one of my debts and placed some remaining money in another Monzo savings pot that is locked till around what would have been payday. This means the money is no longer available to me in an emergency but its no longer available for gambling either.

The good news, I am down to one single debt. A big debt but I could be debt free by the end of the year. I would need to be strict, have a cheap Christmas and hope I am actually needed to work around December. Oh most importantly, I need a small pension inheritance thing to finally come in. 

I like messing up my finance plans regularly so here is another option. I might save up enough money to pay the last debt if I want but not pay towards it directly. I might want to save up and use the money for a mortgage. Non-gamblers all have credit cards and mortgages. 

I really was struggling with thoughts of going on a gamble spree recently but after figuring all this out I am feeling much more positive about things. I have had a few days of gambling over the last couple of years and have been very fortunate to lose small amounts or chase money back when I lost big the day before.  

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Day 46

The mortgage idea was short-lived. My current job has a few unknowns and I should not be moving house till midway through 2020 at the earliest. 

I need to get to being debt-free first. I will think of the next plan once I am there.

Day 48

Apparently a locked Monzo pot can be immediately unlocked and is not as secure as the ISA I created months ago. Knowing that I immediately unlocked it and put towards my last debt. Not only because I feel like I might gamble with it tomorrow but I want my credit rating to improve. I might need a decent rating sometime next year. 

Day 49

As mentioned above, yesterday I put a decent amount of money towards my last debt. Logging into that credit card account this morning and seeing more than a few pounds credit available is an experience I have not had for a long time. Experience tells me the credit card company will be reducing my available credit sharply.

Hi Degen well done mate we are both together doing this , lets continue, whether u put the money towards a mortgage or towards the debt the money will be better off than at the hands of a bookies.  We are going strong mate, c u in chat adam

Thanks Adam.

Day 50

Nice little milestone. No thoughts of giving myself a reward. I might do that if I get to Day 100. I have been unwell the last few days and been stuck on the couch for too long. Feeling better and have a bit of energy so started tidying up the house and I found my  StepChange Debt Management Plan Agreement. I never managed to get round to finding all the proof of income documents I needed and signing the thing.

I was very fortunate to get a new job. I took the risk of leaving a permanent job and looking for better paid temporary work. Original job wasn't not enough to pay interest on debts and live at the same time. Although first temporary job was shorter than expected I was not out of work for too long and the risk has paid off. The total of my outstanding balances was much bigger than I remember. I was in a dark place back then, I am buzzing now, I need to kick on get my debts cleared by the end of the year. Today has given me some perspective, I shouldn't be considering having a bet. Never again.

excellent words degen, gives great perspective and shows you've made the right decisions. Kick on and get that debt paid off in a couple of years. Well done and respect where respect is due.

Thanks again Adam. I will see you in Chat.

Day 52

Still obsessing over finances. I keep logging into my main credit card to see if they have reduced the available credit yet.

I am not sure if it was wise but I cancelled my new Money Transfer credit card. The company removed my bonus period, increased the APR and and increased the transfer fee all within the first couple of months. I want improve my credit rating but I guess I just increased my credit utilisation. Meh.

I should be inheriting a pension lump sum sometime soon but solicitors are suddenly acting strange. Asking me to sign a document saying I can never ask for more. Why would I even want to ask for more? the guy can only die once? unless they know something I don't. Odd. I don't trust them.

I want to fast forward 2 months to see if I am debt-free.

how u doing Degen, I have full respect for you keep going strong mate.

Fed up today. In a terrible mood. I have been unwell the past week. I have had a few episode of dizziness and headaches.

Work is annoying me. Even though I am paid well and have little to do I am finding problems. Remembered I still have Council Tax to pay, so thats me back to 2 debts. The tax man is trying to get a large chunk of my pension inheritance and I have a few outgoings before the end of the year.

I am not going to be debt-free by the end of the year. No chance. Sigh.

I don't think I am self-destructive enough to gamble. 

Hi Deg,

Chip shop moment ( previous posts ) with a bookie next door. You did it then & i know you can show the same strength of character. Don't think about euphoria of a previous win, concentrate on what brought us all together in the first place. As much as i love chatting. appreciate your help & support , I wish we'd never had to meet ( mean that in the nicest possible way ) does that make sense ?. I know you're an intelligent man & i consider myself to be one, but let's face it what the f---ks intelligence got to do with addiction. Hope your ear infection better.

Sincere Best Wishes

AL

55 Days and out

Another diary bites the dust.  I gambled Saturday after some drinks. I was thinking about gambling all day and managed to stop myself a few times but couldn't keep it going and gave in eventually. I won the little I told myself I needed and didn't stop. I then lost all my available money.  A big amount.

The next day, I chased and was able to get my money back. I have done this a few times in recent relapses. Eventually I will keep losing. I need to stop. 

Hi Deg,

 I won the little I told myself I needed and didn't stop. I then lost all my available money.  A big amount.

The next day, I chased and was able to get my money back. I have done this a few times in recent relapses. Eventually I will keep losing. I need to stop.

Been there , got the T shirt. I've chased my money & got it back so many times the next day & exhaled feeling such a sense of relief and euphoria. Mostly that feeling lasted no more than the next day until i'd no longer broken even but slid even further into the pit of despair. I ain't gonna lecture you mate, because i know that you know how this is going to end.

Still i admire you for your honesty & sharing your story. This demonstrates the power of addiction & what it can do to a bright young fella like you. Every day is a struggle, but something tells me that despite this you will gain the upper hand one day soon. One day at a time get back on track, keep fighting and remember it's NEVER too late to stop. Looking forward to speaking to you soon.

Best Wishes

AL

Step by step Deg...dust yourself down and start again.

We can only learn from our mistakes. Did ypu put blocks in place?

Try and not beat yourself up

S&B xx