Deja Vu

welcome back dГ©jГ  vu,

Never give up on giving up, going nearly two years is certainly progress,

I fact it's a great achievement, you will learn from this slip, take the positives from it, and change what you can in your life to make your resolve even stronger. Try and get into a positive mind set to live along side of it, keeping one step ahead.

Suzanne xxx

Hi Deja vu

I read your story and i think i cant wait to hit nearly 2yrs im on day 10 so long way to go. I feel for you totally. Please look at the postives instead of the negatives here cause the negatives is what the gambling demons prey on. Nearly 2 years gambling free AMAZING and a honour to speak with someone to have got that far . I read alot of stories on here to give me strenght. When a child you wanted to ride a bike and fell off you didnt give up u dusted yourself down and got back on know matter how many times you fell off. Then its natural to you riding a bike and you forget the ammount of times you fell off you just know you did fall off. This is like ur hiccup my friend jump back up dust urself down and move forward like you know you can do this time you have extra motivation you went so long without gambling and fell but you know how that feels compared to the 2yrs gamble free so push forward and continue being a role model to many on this site who are starting off. Forget the hiccup. Goodluck you know you can do

Hey dГ©jГ  vu, well done for coming back to the forum, I think we all know how you feel, that ground zero, rock bottom, stomach churning sickness that we all experience. As you know .... It will go.... Money will accumulate.... Friends and family re establish themselves, work gets better and life gets betters!

You have done nearly two years before, today is the start of the rest of your life. I had been in a similar position to you, and thrown it all away, lost everything including the girl of my dreams. Dayn10 today for me and already feeling more positive.

No let up at the moment for me. Still gambling and its a mix bag. Some wins and some losses. Currently up at the moment but I am sure that will change real soon. When I say "up", I mean up from the amount I have in my head as a base figure. This base figure moves and changes all the time depending on how much I lose and win from the last time I gambled, I am never really up. If I counted all my losses and wins it would be a none contest, my corner men would of thrown in the towel long ago. I actually did this when I was doing well in my recovery. I worked out I have gambled close to 20 years worth of wages, not far from half a million pounds.

I ask myself how much is enough? If a normal person won 15 grand they would stop. Even yesterday if they won £800 they would stop and enjoy the spoils. As anyone reading this knows I am not a normal person. Its never enough but then alot of the time its about the action more than the win. I am in the thick of the action at the moment and it will only lead to one place.

It sounds like you are really struggling. Your story just sounds so familiar to mine. From what I've oh describe above you are in the midst of a vicious gambling cycle , you are having ups and downs, but with your own admission the overall result is of losses .

you have two options.... Read other diaries, stop gambling because you want to, make the decision to stop and stop.

the next option is to continue, keep gambling, you will lose, if you win next week ..... You will lose double the week after chasing your losses. This will continue for weeks or months until there is nothing left and no where to turn.

I have just experienced the second of these options, and it is just so destructive in so many ways. I can't explain enough how important it is to stop.

Hope you make the right decision

Luke

Went the pub after work. Dropped the Jackpot on the first one, put about £40 in. Pushed the second and put about £140 in, was sweating it as I thought it was going to do me. Managed to get the thing red and happy days. Even stevens for the day and a few pints in the pub and some action. If everyday could be like this I would be happy. No loss and some proper action. Will go again tomorrow and see how it works out. Feel like some bookie machine action. Will need to take some serious money as I feel like £20 spins on maximus or dracula. Its the jackpot or nothing. Its gonna be a pot of gold or a shiiiite show.

As you have just read, no self analysis today. Apart from at times I enjoy this, there is no denying it. Is it worth it in the long run? Well all I can say is I've never been one for future planning.

I'm @ a loss as to what you are doing here? People here are in recovery & don't need to hear about your 'proper action'! People have taken time out to offer you support & you have thanked them by talking about a win & going back tomorrow! If you're not here to stop gambling, merely to cry about your losses, please spare a thought for others in recovery who may have considered you a role model @ 1st glance!

Hi has something happened in your life recently that made you decide to start gambling again? And if so is this some kind of rebellion by carrying on when for two years you had the willpower to stop? Sounds like you have released a self destruction button and I just hope you realise that the short term highs you say your getting at the moment will just put you back in that dark place you were in before you originally stopped 2years ago. It's never too late to stop. Take care and consider is it worth it? Mary

Gambled today but managed to put the brakes on and walk out. Finding my anxiety flaring up and getting moments where I feel like I am dying. Alcohol and gambling are not a good mix. I have always had a self destruction streak and it manifests in different ways, sometimes gambling and sometimes me just being a real a$$hole to anyone in close proximity.

No more posts like the last one, I can see how they could trigger someone but it was a honest account of what was racing through my head at the time. I am a very flawed individual who at times tries there best to mess everything up but when I finally break that spiral I am alright sort.

Hi hope you do manage to break the cycle as sounds like you are not really sure where your head is right now. Not to late to wipe out the latest spate of gambling an call it a blip an get back on the bandwagon with that 2yr label on the side! As that is an achievement worth shouting about. Take care Mary

Hi dejavu, I apologise for what may have been an over-reaction on my behalf! I guess what appeared to my untrained eye to be a complete disregard for others was simply a cry for help from another victim of this vile addiction! Well done for putting the brakes on today & thank-you for your explanation! Gambling alone is enough to cause a flare up of anxiety, mixed with alcohol it's little wonder you feel so crushed 🙁

You have walked the path of recovery before, surely the feeling of concern you describe about having to fight for your sanity every day is better than the pain you are feeling now? Gambling is not stronger than you, it will be very persuasive as you know & try to fool you into thinking that, but you control the gamble, it doesn't control you! Without you feeding it, it is nothing! We're all flawed, we're human! You'd do well to find an individual that isn't...Even George Clooney has faults (probably) 😉

Get back on the rails & concentrate on staying on them - ODAAT

Well went a while without gambling and blew my load today and did my bolloxs on the worst machine in the world. Really really could not afford to lose anything but I did. Only had a small amount of cash that wouldnt last me anyway but I decided to try and win a bit. Now I am broke without any means of borrowing. No family, friends or loans. I have petrol for tomorrow and maybe at a push thursday. After that no means of getting into work. Will likely have to call in sick for a week. you have to take the rough with the smooth when you are gambling. No point in crying into your milk. Take your loss like a man and get on with it. So I wait until payday. Would be nice to think things will be different but its not looking likely. Everything is clean and shiny on payday, a new start. I get a tingle of excitement and feel things will surely be different this time around. This time I have to get a break and hit some gold.

Im tired of fighting the desire to gamble. I am also tired of losing which always happens when I gamble as I cant stop.So if I am tired of losing then logic says I have to stop gambling, because they are one of the same thing. My gambling is either some kind of inlogical process that I am unable to break or a lie. If its some messed up process in my head you would think not gambling for a lengthly period would break that thought process, well ive done the time away from gambling and here I am still back at square one. This leads me to it being a lie. The lie being my real desire is not gambling, but losing. Why would I want to lose, that makes no sense. Now I am tied in knots and confused. Someone, anyone. Wave a magic wand or something. I want to be done with this rubbish.

So I am addicted to losing. Winning anything is just a blip and an inconvenience to me reaching my goal of having no money. I don't set off with this in mind as my goal, I fool myself that my goal is to win but we have established this is just a unwanted distraction. I must really hate myself to keep doing this without addressing it and stopping it. And you know I do hate myself. I am f*****g worthless. I am not a nice person. I try and kid myself that I am ok, its just the gamblng thats clouding my thinking and pushing my emotions down. Ever since I can remember and thinking how I was as a child I just didnt want people around. I dont care about any of you reading this and I don't care about anything you have to write. The more I think about it and slowly unravel this madness the more focus I get on how to fix it.