I think you have summed it up nicely. Your not interested in stopping gambling, just losing money. Of course nothing will work while you remain in that mindset. Without commitment & desire to stop im afraid nothing will ever work for you. Which ever recovery program people choose to follow none of them work without you working them.
Maybe I just haven't hit bottom yet, maybe then I will change. Can you force yourself to make your situation worse, can you manufacture "hitting bottom"? I have toyed with the idea for awhile but have decided against it. Problem being I can always go down another floor. Lose everything material, money, house, car, job. Well the elevator still has some minus numbers on it if I am not prepared to get off. What the hell is stopping me? Why do I keep clinging onto this madness?
This is soundtracking my saturday night
Just spent the last ten minutes reading back through my short diary entries. Some things really stand out. I give nothing away. There is nothing of who I am, what I do, what my life is like. I feel like most of the posts are screams for attention but when it comes I dont engage with anybody. I want the extension of a hand but I refuse to grab it and in turn I refuse to offer my hand.I am not here for help or to offer it, I am here for attention, a pat on the back and a sympathetic there there.
I remember talking with a close friend about my gambling. The good, bad and the ugly. He asked a question I still to this day cannot answer. What do you want from life? Whats your dream? In what ever state I am in, from in the thick of the madness to months of abstinence its a question that fills me with fear and dread. I have also been recently asked "Rob you don't have to do this alone, let us help. What's the one thing that we can do to help you, just name one thing and we will do it". I just can't answer there questions. I stay silent.
Hi Rob
I am interestsed in your last few posts. In the one before you say you give little about yourself away.
Why do you think that is?
I realised that the major driver behind my gambling addiction was a fear of being judged negatively by others. This is linked to a fear of rejection and would manifest itself with me having social anxiety in situations I perceived as threatening (larger groups, certain older friends/family - even some people who were very funny I would see as a threat).
Anyway, having identified that I have taken concrete steps to address this and my life is so much better and I haven't gambled for a long time. A lot of my fears turned out to be 'paper tigers'.
I don't say this to boast, but I wondered if there is possibly a similar fear underlying your reluctance to reach out to people, to connect, to put your emotions on the line?
Would be happy to 'chat' further, if you do, post on my diary.
Louis
No gambling today.
Another day without gambling.
NGTR
Another gamble free day.
Gambling off the menu for today.
hello joe, what do you know? No gambling thats what I know.
No gambling since last post.
​
No gambling yesterday.
Today has been awful. No gambling reason, just life.
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