No gambling since my last post.
NETR
The last post was not a typo, NETR = No Emotions to Report. That’s not the case and there are plenty of emotions, I guess the only true part is I don’t report on them. I am in limbo with a situation at work. Caught between the truth and what I feel for someone who has covered my back and looked after me through all my problems and tribunals’ and the lack of there management to make the work and situation livable. I guess you can say never be scared of the truth. Well the truth is not always easy and can upset people you care about or keep you in employment. If I was a brave man, I guess a man in recovery I would always go for the truth but I am not a brave man or a man in recovery.
I have not gambled for the last few days and also navigated a payday but it feels like it doesn't mean anything. The empty feeling still remains.
I have not gambled for the last few days and also navigated a payday but it feels like it doesn't mean anything. The empty feeling still remains.
A few days ago I lifted the mask a little and actually was honest but I quickly retreated and deleted the post. I got scared and felt vunerable and thats something I am intensely uncomfortable with. I don't post that much and I dont interact but I do read the diaries and people laying themselves bare and I know thats not easy. One day I hope to join you and maybe say hi, hows it going?
Think that's vulnerability right there. Come join us you will find it empowering
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I have been out with a friend tonight to the pub. Years ago this used to be a minefield as I would always hit the machines and leave my friend/friends to themselves as I would do the do. Recent years I have been able to get to the point where I do not gamble when I am out with company, its just a no go area. I sit and try and socialise. At times this is great and other times I am filled with self doubt and loathing . I try and hold my own in converstation but never feel its enough and that I am boring company. That who ever I am with is just humouring me and would rather talk with anyone else. My friend tonight knew it would only be the two of us, if I was so insufferable he wouldn't come out. Still I feel like I am unable to really engage and connect with them, there is always this fear. I end up being self conscious and feel like the converatsion is forced. I get to the point of being so uncomfortable in my own skin that I just want the night to end. I end the night walking home alone and feeling empty.
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