DГ©sormais......

Thanks for the post Rach.

Facebook not really my thang if I'm honest. Done it to death a few years ago, and it was nearly as all consumingly compulsive as gambling!!

Seems like a good read though, thanks for the recommendation.

Keep strong all

Ade

Yo,

Thank you for your post mate .

Enjoy your book, and your weekend .

Shiny xxxxxx

Thanks Shiny.

Great day today.

School fete, mum visiting, pub then home ;0)

Tomorrow will be my daughters + 2 friends and me going to see Despicable 2 at 9.50am followed by a lazy day in the garden.

Day 6 and back on track.....

Ade ;0)

Ade

fella great to see your back on track.

keep making the right choice my friend, enjoy the results of your efforts.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Duncs.

One week of good recovery under my belt.

Bit of a struggle this weekend, and that is despite having had lots on. There is still the occasional odd desire to go gamble at times.

This weekend I have done so much positive stuff and still I can get these thoughts and feelings that somehow rear up when my mind lets them.

It is dealing with these urges that is key for me.

This weekend has been filled with swimming lessons, a visit from my mum, a school fete, a trip to the pub, taking my daughters and their friends to the cinema, keeping fit on my new rowing machine, gardening, swimming club, etc......so why does the gambling still draw me??

I have so much good going on, why does gambling still tap me on the shoulder and tempt me? I know it's a stupid question, but the nature of this addiction will always haunt me.

I am not in debt. I got paid 5 days ago and have avoided drawing any cash. Most of the things I have purchased this weekend have been done with my debit card. I am actively trying to resist the temptation of drawing cash, as it has always been a habit of mine to always carry cash just in case of emergencies.

I am 7 days gamble-free and should be celebrating that fact as it has been a while since I have managed that. But instead I am more concerned about these gambling thoughts. I kind of just want to metaphorically pull my duvet over my head and just blot it out.

Barriers are in place and I do not want to gamble. I want to live a relatively normal life.

Keeping strong and keeping my guard up.

Ade

Hi Ade...

Just a quick post to say hope you are having a sunny weekend....

Covent G for me on Tues...Tourist in the city and no cattle lifts....also on the case for a new read now Me and Russell B have gone our separate ways.

R and D xx

Thanks for the supportive post Rach.

Have struggled this week. Knew the fall was coming and caved in.

Back here to try and abstain again.

Keeping strong from now on hopefully.

Ade

Glad you're back Ade...

No words necessary ...will look out for the carnation on Tuesday ...lol

R and D xx

Thanks for the support Rach.

No gambling today thank God. Too much eating and drinking mind.

But no gambling, so that's a good day for me.

Keep strong all

Ade

Thanks for cheering me up there Ade..lemmings ..lol

One minute I was walking back to the car park after work today , big outdoor tv screens watching the tennis and lots of folks enjoying the sun..the next minute I'm in tears and on a massive downer.

Think my defences are low as I'm knackered firefighting...

Glad you made the most of today ...I shall get in training for the underground as I get a bit claustraphobic..

R and D xx

Thanks again for your support Rach.

Hanging in there today. Can relate to your feeling ok one minute and S***e the next.

Keep strong all

Ade

Yo,

Hanging in there is enough my dear friend .

Hope tomorrow it's just that bit easier .

Shiny xxxxxx

Hi Ade,

Thanks for the post buddy. Yup, I am settling back in for the long ride ahead. Bring it! We can do this. I know we can. -joanxxxxx

Thanks Shiny and Joan for your kind posts.

Again this week I have hit my own personal rock-bottom. Something like how I felt when I very first came to this site back in 2008.

That's 5 years ago.

I have to be totally honest and ask myself, what has actually changed in those 5 years?

Do I have a better understanding of compulsive gambling? Yes.

Do I know what triggers my relapses? Yes.

Do I have enough barriers in place to stop me gambling? No.

Do I constantly lie to myself in order to justify my gambling? Yes.

Am I really serious about my recovery? No.

Do I benefit from using this forum? Yes.

Can this forum sometimes have a negative effect for me? Yes.

I don't really know why I typed out the above. I have just wasted the last 5 days in a blur of losing, to the point of chasing my bank account virtually dry.

Jekyll and Hyde doesn't even come close to quantifying my personality disorder at times.

I know that I cannot win because I cannot stop, but something in my head will not let me believe this basic fact at times.

I tell myself that I have to hand my bank card over to someone else and man-up with regard to admitting that Iam weak, yet there is still something that won't let me do it.

I need to control my own life. But at times, I have no control at all.

I need to take a very long look at myself in the mirror and turn this negative into some kind of positive, or at least apply the brake in some way.

I really do want the ride to stop and I need to get off.

With me there always seems to be a point where I reach that tells me enough is enough. That horrible stomach churning sick feeling when my last £20 has been wasted on some sad virtual horse race or greyhound.

I am addicted to all that S***e lately and the negative impact and irrational thinking is now affecting my general health and well being.

I do not want to feel sick to the core again. For f ucksake Adrian get a grip man! I have a home, family and responsibility in life. I am a few weeks short of my 44th birthday, but lately I have behaved like a reckless 18 year-old with not a care in the world.

My worklife is good and I am focused during that time. At lunch I read books. But after work is when I take myself away from real life and get my fix of stupid repetative gambling lately. I know it's far too easy, and extremely stupid. But like most compulsive gamblers I do it all the same. Sad, but true.

Tonight I am telling myself that I need to hold on to this feeling of arresting my slide now. I know it can be hard, but I need cold turkey like never before.

I am trying to be honest with myself, but it's a battle I am not sure I can win alone. I have friends that I know will help me both on here and in the real world. But at the end of the day, it comes down to me. I have to be that role model to my kids. I have got away with it for the last 5 years. Now I have to change for the better and be the real me again. Not a shadow of my former self. But ME again. I CAN do it.

Over and out

Ade

P.s: Thanks for reading, if you made it this far.. ;0)

Hi Ade

Well the good news is with your tick list of questions, you know yourself and what triggers your relapses...

And also understand that even though you know about handing your cards over you feel you cannot...I guess I'm taking a risk here and it may be the totally wrong thing to say, but ,maybe there is someone other than your wife who can be the person that you give your finances over to?

Again , maybe I'm off track but from your posts before maybe keeping hold of your money is a way to keep some sort of independance and distance whereas if you give up that you become enmeshed again ....

R and D xx