DГ©sormais......

Hey Hun,

I echo Milkmans plea keep posting as for me it helps to get out of my head and down on "paper"what's going on even if if its a jumbled rant and dose'nt make any sense to anyone else.as usual just my opinion but somtimes it helps to get it out and as like me and Milkman your doing this on your own sometimes you just need somewhere/someone to hear you.

Stay Strong

L xx

Hey Ade..

Always reading and full support coming your way ...

R and D xx

Yo,

Thanks for your post , always brightens my day seeing your name appear on my thread .

I know that you like I feel sometimes , lost as to what is the best tools to use to help fight this addiction, use gamcare , don't use gamcare being just one of them

Does reading and posting about gambling problems help or hinder ?

Are we capable of putting gambling out of our mind ,pushing it so far back that the urges will not come?

Sometimes does it not feel that we are doggy paddling instead of swimming .?

I have to say that you inspire me every time you post , because no matter what you never throw in the towel , your fighting spirt is second to none .

I believe as I hope you do that one day you find what works for you .

Take care my dear dear friend , missing my DIY updates 🙂

Shiny xxxxxx

Thanks for the supportive posts Milkman, Lib, Rach and Shiny. Much appreciated as usual.

Trying to get my positive head back on again, and those posts have certainly helped me to gain some focus.

I have had my head up my a*se for too long this time, and recovery has not been something that I strived for.

My goals changed and sports betting again became the focus of my attention. My whole persona changes and I crave gambling more than anything.

Facts, figures, results, stats, etc are what takes over, rather than the important things like helping my daughters with their homework.

For me it is/was all about landing a substantial win. For some reason I had this desire that a sizeable win would make things better and wipe out my debt.

The thing is that I no longer have that debt and I recently had a sizeable win (which I subsequently squandered), so where's the logic in that.

I just can't stop when I am bad. The pattern is the same, and the nice normal me just disappears as quick as the twenty pound notes do that I gamble away.

I know how good I can feel if I can get back to a place where I have been before.

This time last year I was three months into a 4 month bet-free term.

I know that I have it in me and I am fed up with it now really. It's no longer about winning money. It is about habitual behaviour. I turn into an automaton who just gambles, loses, chases, loses, chases.

I would have trouble winning back what I have squandered in recent weeks. But for me it has been all too easy to relapse, because I am in total control of my finances and live in my own control freak bubble when it comes to gambling. I choose not to self-exclude and I ride rough shot over good advice on here at times, when the reality of the situation is that I need help.

At times I feel like I am being driven by an invisible force to gamble, and I hate myself for not being strong enough to beat the urges. But when the urges come I just cave in thinking maybe this time I'll win 'big' again. It's a very sad thought process and an even sadder side to my addictive nature.

My mindset can change from minute to minute. This morning I battled to leave my bank card at home to avoid the lunchtime betting which has again become a habit of mine. I managed to leave my card at home but still had some loose change on me, just a couple of quid.

By lunchtime I had forgot all about not having my bank card on me and set off on a 2 mile drive to a cash-point and a conveniently out of the way bookies. It was only when I arrived at the cash point that I remembered that I had no bank card on me. That is how bad I have become. And I know that this kind of habit has to stop. I am better than this sad sad loser that I am turning into. On the outside I can hide it, but the reality is that on the inside I am very low.

Ramble over

Thanks for listening.

Ade

I

HI Ade,

You have such a deep understanding of this addiction and how it affects you and even what some of your triggers are, the next step is to believe that you can beat this, you have done it before, you just need to get back to that place again.

I have talked quite a lot about the masks that gambling made me wear, "The external mask that everything in the garden was rosy" the honest truth was I was dying on the inside, I found that once i spoke to my family and close friends about it I could start to remove the mask. I am not for one moment telling you to confide in your family that is a choice only you can make, but there is help out there ade, 1-1 sessions free from gamcare ? G.A, the helpline ?

I feel your pain, and this addiction thrives on secrecy, misery and pain.

Small steps mate you will get there.

take care

blondie x

Hey Ade ..

Don't go beating yourself up there ..I know it's easier said than done,

I can't offer any advice as I don't want to say the wrong thing but the cycle bit I do understand even though we have all got our own patterns..

It is exhausting intercepting habits as things can escalate so fast once the seed is planted so I understand that too...

Blondie , Libby etc all truly know how you feel and you will beat this Ade ..I know that too!

R and D xxx

Thanks Blondie and Rach for your supportive posts.

I am beginning to forgive myself for my recent relapse. I usually beat myself up about relapses for many days and weeks with regret, and hate myself for being so stupid and reckless.

It's happened and I cannot change it now. Time to move on and get some proper solid recovery time under my belt.

Hoping to be posting on a few others diaries a bit more soon, rather than just my own.

I always shy away from posting too much on others diaries when I am not feeling great. I somehow feel a fraud and feel that I am not in a position to offer advice and support to others. Stupid as it sounds, it's true.

The other thing which really annoyed me about my latest relapse was that I become very short tempered with my daughters and over react to there arguing or shout at them when there really wasn't any need to. I know that this is just because I am feeling sh*tty inside and because I have lost money. I vent out my frustration in this way.

I am moving forward once more now and need to focus my attention on positive things. Maybe renew some old hobbies. Even just going down the driving range, or the odd round of golf. Maybe dare I say it, a DIY project to please Shiny! ;0)

Today I have spent my lunchtime on here rather than the alternative lunchtime habit that worked its way back into my routine.

Got to keep my head straight and move forward, not act on urges and most importantly be true to myself.

Thanks for listening.

Ade

Ade

Great to see the forum is having a positive affect on you my friend, I am glad you have found a new focus.

Regarding posting upon other threads do what suits you, as we both know recovery is bespoke and what works for one does'nt mean it will work for another.

I got the DIY bug myself in recent weeks, not something I have ever embarked on and am really enjoying the stuff I have done thus far.

To which you gave me the confidence to have a go at it, for that I thank you.

Keep making the right choice.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

hey Ade ..

If you have chronic insomnia then my diaries a great read!! Lol

Back down to London soon ..lol ....

Just wanted to say just because you may have the occasional dip , never think that what you have to say is not of value..

All of us I think have a piece of the jigsaw and between us we all have something to add to the bigger picture..so never think you are a fraud ..

I have my own slips along the way but a slip in one area does not mean out total characters are out of kilter..

Keep posting Ade ..you always have so much to offer by way of support ..

R and D xx

Thanks for the support Duncs and Rach.

Today has been a good day. No gambling. No real urge to either.

A small step in the right direction, but also a giant leap for my own well being and sanity.

Moving forwards with focus now. No more self pity and self loathing.

Need to dig deep and just get back living and concentrate on the positive things in life again.

Glass half full today for sure.

Thanks again for the support to all that have posted recently, and so glad that I have started posting again.

Ade

Hey,

There he is the positive Ade i know and love.

your such a fighter hun,you really have a courageous spirit .No matter what you dont stop trying to stop and in my book you cant knock that ;0)

Stay Strong

L xx

Ade.

Not posted on your page for sometime so here goes.

Read your post about your self loathing-this too hindered me in my recovery, especially during the dark early days.

i decided that i needed to move on for everyone's sake.

I still to this day deeply regret my actions but i try to make ammends to those that i've hurt.

This post is a bit jumbled as i'm typing this at work so SSSHHHH!

Have a nice weekend,

Will be in touch again soon

Gazza

Thanks Lib and Gazza for your supportive posts.

Feeling great today. No need or inclination to gamble.

Going to enjoy this weekend for sure.

Keep strong all

Ade

Just a reminder......

I AM ADDICTION

I start in small subtle promising many ways things,

I am very patient and I will laugh in your face if I can lure you into my evil world of hell on earth again.

Keep strong all

Ade

Hey Ade,

Thank you very much for your kind post. You are so right, this forum is big help in our recoveries. I am trying to stay close by, there are a lot of wonderful people here, and you are one of them which i feel instant care about. We can do it, and we WILL do it. This addiction will stay close by, but we can arrest it, and with help of each over we will reach our goals.

All the best and keep going strong!

Sandra x