Diary 1st entry, Repeatedly letting down everyone who has supported me.....one day ill lose everything

Thanks Scottyboy! Ill be trying 🙂

I need to have a rant about adverts tonight because i am getting so f'in sick and TIRED of Gambling advertising on TV

Theres not one ad break that goes by without at least TWO sometimes FOUR gambling adverts being shown

Its a COMPLETE JOKE and its literally polluting the mind of people much younger than me to start betting.

The ads that are CONTSTANTLY on are

********* (with Kamara)

**** Poker/Casino (With Warne)

*** *****

Victor Chandler

*******

Not ONE ad break can go by without gambling being popped into the minds of addicts and potential gamblers alike

I literally break into a cold sweat through guilt when these ads come on and thats not just when ive been sneaking around gambling

Even when ive been dry i feel VERY uncomfortable when gambling ads come on cause it remind me of my sordid habit

I really think there should be tougher restrictions on gambling ads. I mean surely if Smoking ads have been banned due to health then gambling is even worse

The silent killer

Good to see you back and I hope 2013 is a good year for you! I have read your story and hope that you can steer yourself out of the danger zone. You need to bear in mind that when you have paid off your debts and have money in your pocket again, the gambling urges will probably get stronger. You need to stay on your guard at all times. Reckless, out-of-control gambling will always end in financial disaster. Keep posting on here regularly to help build your recovery. Good luck!

Hey Pelle

Good to hear from you mate, hope you dont let whatever happened on here put you off posting reguarly!

Day 5 is pretty much done an dusted. Doing the same thing as last night so any gambling temptation is taken away.

Finances are looking pretty grimsby town but i should be able to perform a balancing act

However getting back to black by April is going to require some serious money management.

This isnt easy when i have £750 coming out of my pay straigt away every month for bills and savings

Oh well ill find a way to get by

Online poker urge still it being there but i actually couldnt win big enough playing at the stakes i play to make any difference to my finances so amongst it being a terrible idea anyway theres another reason to add! lol

Hi and thanks for the post in my diary.

There are a few of us on a low count after a relaps and I'm sure we'll all offer as much support as we can. Congratulations on coming back to the site to try again. I have tried before to quit on my own and never before felt as determined as I do with the support offered on here.

I can completely relate to your difficulty of trying to appear normal while juggling the finances. All I can say for certain is gambling will make things worse. This is what I am telling myself pretty much hourly at the monent.

Take care and keep posting.

Well its been 5 days gamble free

Ive come to the conclusion that im actually nowehere near as determined to stay gamble free as i have been after relapses in the past

In the past ive made myself so sick of it and relapsed until the point of no return that i have wanted nothing to do with gambling and have focused and made sure i behaved (for as long as i could)

However this time i havent reached the point of no return

I have reached a point were my finances are dire.........but not without reprieve by myself

Usually i bust myself so bad i HAVE to turn to help to get bailed out hence the focus of not gambling cause of the guilt of confession

I have ongoing guilt generally but i havent bust out completely and havent made myself generally sick of gambling

Ive self excluded myself from all local amusements that i play in for LIFE with a 'no get out clause' on the signed letter i created

I havent got gambling software on my laptop cause i have 3 laptops and an ipad so whether i like it or not im going to have to have to refrain from online poker BY MYSELF

At the end of the day im not going to rely on gambling blocking software until im old and grey, i need to do it by myself at some stage anyway

Anyway i wonder how other people view their starting at day 1 after a relapse?

Do you get varying degrees of determination?

I know im doing this now because i HAVE to otherwise my future will be ruined and this year IS my future

Engagement (pending) and House

I need to be able to sit in front of a morgage advisor in July with my finances in check along with my gf

If i gamble recklessely once more theres NO chance of that happening and ill have no choice but to blow the top on my gambling and blow the potential engagement and our future as a couple with a house

Its that simple really

Hi NI,

I have been reading your diary the last few days from your first post and as a compulsive gambler i can relate to so many things.

I gambled for nearly 20 years on on off with varying degrees of devastation to myslef and my family.

My lightbulb moment was last november when my dad died suddenly, i felt physically sick every time i thought about all the time i had wasted it wasnt about the money then, before that i had always chased the money.

I havent gambled for nearly 8 months and havent had a slip. YET, and im not kidding myself that i wont so i cant really comment on your day 1 question.

What i can say for me is that your determination only needs to last for 1 day, today !! , tomorrow you can decide again.

I realised that one day it will be to late to apologise to the people you have hurt because they might not be around .

Determination to stop grows each day you can look at yourself in the mirror, the shame of what i did has not gone but i cant change it i could make it a hundred times worse by keep gambling or I could try to make amends to myself and the people i love by making the right choice everyday .

You posted this on one of your earlier posts in your diary

1.) Im sick of having no money

2.) Im sick of my gf having to pay for me

3.) Im sick of having no savings

4.) Im sick of lying about money

5.) Im sick of borrowing money

6.) Im sick of having NO social life

7.) Im sick of being 29 and living at home

8.) Im sick of being distracted from work

9.) Im sick of being someone i am not

10.) Im sick of being an addict

Stop hitting the self destruct button and start hitting the forward button to the future that you and your girfriend deserve.

You can do this you might feel less determined today but it will grow each day you abstain, along with pride, self worth and motivation to keep going.

Take care

Blondie

Niboy.

My name is Duncan i am a compulsive gambler no bet since 23/01/2012.

Fella thanks for sharing such insightful thoughts about how recovery and each bout of abstinence differs.

For me i view my recovery as truly starting from the day i realised gambling beat me, took all i had to stake and more.

That day came around ninety days into my current and longest period of abstinence in my life as a compulsive gambler. Which spans twenty years all my adult life.

Many times did i quit in those years,only to wage war again .

What is different today.

There is for me no shame in defeat,it beat me, i played and lost over and over until it won, for the rest of my life it will remain undefeated.

But with irony through accepting defeat i actually win.

The thing i chased through twenty years of a progression of raising stakes in truth came to me in defeat.

I did win because i did stop.

I hope the same resolve i have through defeat comes to you.

Abstain and maintain.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Blondie

Thank you for your post. I was literally taken aback by it there cause you picked out a post from my diary that i havent read in a long time.

It really is one of the most important posts i ever made and its probably the most relevant to summing up my life.

I appreciate that you took time to read my diary and your post really made me smile, so thank you for that!

Also i have been lucky not to lose anyone (touch wood) but i often thought that if that ever happened i would maybe realise all the hurt i had caused. Im so sorry to hear about youre dad and your experience of the situation seems to have galvanised your determinationt to stay gamble free 🙂

Duncan

Thank you for reading my diary also. I think you are right. We have to admit defeat to gambling....but in the good way as you say.

Gambling is the winner vs us, we are addicts it cant be a life choice for us to gamble or we will lose everything

But in loss there is a win. Accepting that gambling is not an option allows us to move on and start life again were gambling does not exist in our world

Easier said than done but it is the only way

PS You are nearly at a year

I did a year once but i dont think i appreciated it cause i wasnt counting and was younger with less to lose

You are an inspiration after 20 years of gambling to be almost a year gambel free. I hope to be like you next January

Long road but hey.....nothings ever easy in life

I have just watched the gambling short story below for the first time in a year and a bit

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpSGJOrtoVg

Pellekanin posted it on my page in November 2011

I watched it every day for 4 days back then and everytime i welled up by the end

It was like watching myself through a mirror and it scared me so much

Nothings changed, in fact i feel even worse watching it because i know people in certain places think of me as that reckless lost cause who will end up ruined

I might wear a suit when gambling and look like i have plenty of money but im no different to the man in that video, addicted and broke and lying to everyone about my finances, about my habit and about my happiness

I urge EVERYONE who reads my post to watch all 3 parts of that

It is an autobiography of us all in some way

When i watch it i wondered how i could ever let myself be that person

Maybe i need to watch it everyday of my life to remind myself of how i NEVER want to look that pathetic again.

Hi Nlboy,

Thanks for sharing that link. I have just watched all three parts. It's a very made and thought-provoking drama.

Glad its helped Paul, i think as many people on here who watch it the better cause theres something for us all in it!

Well here I am at day 6 gamble free to this point.

Really horrible moment this morning when i was with my boss at a meeting with a hotel owner that we supply with product.

We were discussing a new deal blah blah and the hotel owner was talking about how reliable is staff were

Then he went on to speak about a couple of staff he had to sack recently due to them stealing large amounts from the till over long periods of time.

He stated that it was the ones who you least expect and trust the most.

This made me very uncomfortable cause i have gambled ALOT of my customers money over the last year and while i have always juggled it to make sure it was all paid back its still stealing.

When i get the cash payments from customers i should be handing it straight to my boss so it should be lodged, but on many occasions ive gambled it then had to pay it out of my own money

At the moment juggling work money is the only way i can get through the next few months without having to ask for a bail out.

I am juggling like crazy and although im giving it all to my boss eventually im having to give it 5-10 days after im handed it in order to pay my bills.

Its not right but at this point in time ive no choice.

Although its all being paid its still techincally stealing.

I am no better than those people who got sacked for stealing really

I hope i can continue on the gamble free path and get all the money issues sorted and then never have to use company money again

Wonga is the hardest part cause im going to have to keep using it for 2 months more at least in order to keep everything balanced.

The interest is awful but i havent got a choice.

Day 6 over gamble free!

Nearly a week!

I was going to say thats the longest in a long time but i was away for christmas and new year on holiday for 12 days with family and gf and i didnt gamble then but when your in the sun and you have a good book and a glass of wine and no internet access the world just seems a simple place

Maybe i should move out there and ill never have to worry about gambling again! lol

A week is a long time for me though because nov and dec and the start of this month have been binge sessions so to go nearly 7 days has been seriously good for my mental state which was cracking over the last 3 months

I had a conversation with my mum about finances and gambling over dinner, its a bit surreal seeing as she has no idea ive relapsed but yet the conversation we had felt like an honest one because of the gamble free days ive had.

She was asking me if my DMP lump sum settlement offer had been accepted which it hasnt yet. We chatted about how good it would be to clear that all and not have it hanging over my head

She asked me if i had had any urges, i said a few but im managing.

She said she blamed herself really because she didnt check up on my enough

Ironically if she tried to check up on me now by using the wonga password i gave her when i last relapsed she would notice that it no longer works!

If she does i will be saying i no longer have the account and thats why the email and password do not work...........which is a complete lie, but its a protective lie

I have decided to stop off my own back here, not cause i need bailed out, so im going to try and get myself out of it here and i will do everything i can (gamble free) to do that so i dont have to tell her and my dad and they dont have to deal with the stress again

My parents will not be here forever so i will have to do it by myself eventually

I need to practice not gambling through my own choice

Ive decided not to gamble during the last 6 days, that was my decision

Tomororow im going to decide not to gamble

And so forth....

Day 7....no gambling

I really cant believe it was this time last week that i was a quivering mess after an online gambling binge that left me in tears trying to get to sleep wondering how i would ever get out of this hell that is called gambling life

However as much as 7 days probably seems like a short time its actually LIFETIME to a gambler because to get out of that routine of daily gambling is SOOOOO hard!

I feel now that after 7 days of choosing not to gamble all by myself that ive got a basis to go on

If i can choose not to gamble for 7 days then why not 14, and 21 and 121 and so on.

Ive not put a gambling block on my computer....maybe i should....but i cant block every computer for the rest of my life....im going to have access to unblocked computers so i have to LEARN to control myself and not gamble

7 days is a good start

I have worked out my finances and by April 10th i will have a full pay packet to myself without having to hand ANYTHING to anyone

Thats if i dont gamble

I will do everything i can not to....

Day 8....no gambling

Not a single gambling thought today, i cannot remember the last time that happened.....

Its the weekend....its wet....its miserable.....the golf course is closed.....but im in a GOOD mood

Thats because i havent been gambling

Because i havent been spending my time in the amusements ive got finished up early everyday because ive actually got ALL my work done nice and sharpish

Because i havent been gambling i downloded music onto my computer

Because i havent been gambling i uploaded holiday pictures onto facebook

Because i havent been gambling i have done my 200 sit ups everyday

Because i havent been gambling i look forward to this weekend

My money situations still pretty grim, but ill get by

I know i will

Because i havent been gambling

Hello NI,

Good to see you posting so much. I think it's an essential tool in reprogramming ourselves - more so when we write on other diaries, I think, because we write what we should be telling ourselves. I've been reading your replies to other people and they're all very level-headed and practical - it's a shame we're not so good at taking our own advice a lot of the time!!

Yes, I'm still here, check it nearly every day and read a dozen entries or so.

Keep it up, R, really you're doing great.