Diary 1st entry, Repeatedly letting down everyone who has supported me.....one day ill lose everything

I hear you milkman

To be honest her issue with the concilling made me realise that she doesnt fully understand how addiction works. Sometimes she does and sometimes she doesnt and it makes it hard cause the conversations usually completely changes the mood between us and i hate that

Shes a deep thinker so when she worries about me i hate it cause it as i say changes the mood

I guess i dont want to tell her i slipped because its going to worry her more and im not sure her understanding of addiction is one thats clear enough for her to not to lose all trust in me

I want to give this one more big shot, plus if i do slip again i dont really have too many options out, im using this place to motivate me to do what i need to and kick it

So i hear what you say but id rather avoid that scenario and do what i know i need to....beat it on my own in a way because only i can beat it, itll be me who makes or breaks me

Well, good luck. I don't believe other people can truly understand unless they've been addicted to something destructive. And money is such a big deal to a lot of people. Part of me envies you for telling her in the first place.

I'll take your 'last big shot' and match it!

Yes mate thats the idea!!

Lets go on a long run here, i think im due

You know whats worse, i went 2 and a bit months, and i literally put £6 into the fruit machine in the golf club one day after a round cause i got soaked and was a bit P***** off.....

It was just £6 and i walked off....but the problem was i was no longer 'clean' i could no longer say 'i havent gambled in 2 months'

it almost made it ok to gamble again cause id ruined the cycle of being clean

if id put in 20p its still the same principle

So no gambling, none at all, lets do the business!

Day 2 starts

My my im feeling very positive today!

This site has been a source of great inspiration and today i feel mentally prepared for a serious non gambling run

I get paid next Thursday and im looking forward to big night out with my gf and friends

I havent had a night out for nearly 3 months because ive had no money and my gf has had no money cause shes been supporting me as i had my whole paycheck over to a friend to pay the 3k back i owe him

BUT next thursday i give him the last 700 and thats 3k paid off in 3 and a half months...at least i did that and savedthat friendship despite still finding other avenues to gamble

1.) Im sick of having no money

2.) Im sick of my gf having to pay for me

3.) Im sick of having no savings

4.) Im sick of lying about money

5.) Im sick of borrowing money

6.) Im sick of having NO social life

7.) Im sick of being 29 and living at home

8.) Im sick of being distracted from work

9.) Im sick of being someone i am not

10.) Im sick of being an addict

Today is a good day, this is going to be a good week...a good month!!

Oh and Ryan go to the gym today, seeing as you were to go on monday and tuesday and didnt due to gambling

Lets go day 2

Hi Ryan

This recovery from gambling is 100% about you. If your partner doesn't like that then she is hindering your recovery. You have to explain to her that you need to recover for anyone to have a chance in a relationship with yourself. Once you are in recovery most things fall into place around you. If you don't gert into recovery the lies continue to the Nth degree. It is up to you what "you" want from this life. It is not a dress rehearsal so think long and hard about your choices. Sorry to sound strong but you are worth saving from your demons so get cracking. Take care

Thanks Smiler

You are 100% right, thanks for the feedback, ill be keeping it in mind 🙂

Hi

I went into rehab about 9 years ago and managed to stay clean for 5 years, but fell off the wagon 4 years later.

I wanted to reply about the counciling you have been receiving, would your councillor not see your girlfriend as part of your recovery and to support her.

When I was in hospital my whole family came and recieved counciling.

This was just a thought, I really hope you can beat this and I am not telling you what to do. Everyone should fight this addiction in their own way.

Take care

Kaza

Thanks Kaza!

To be honest i said about that to the councillor and she said that wasnt really something she would recommend!

However its something worth considering!

Day 2 report

Had a great day today, no gambling, no desire too at all

I had a very busy day at work, i spent some great time with my gf earlier and im going to the gym in a moment!

I really feel mentally prepared to get through this thanks to this site and the support and the stories along with the support i get in my own life!

Roll on day 3 and another great day, hopefully leading to a great weekend!

🙂

Hi

Just had a read through your diary you sound like your in a really positive state of mind and are focused on moving forwards.

As far as the counselling is concerned I am seeing a local counseller now for help. The people closest around me also wanted to see a counseller to understand the problem more. From what I understand it you cant see the same Counseller as it is classed as a conflict of interests however if she wants to learn and understand about your problem more she can see an alternative counseller which Gamcare would help to organise for you both.

Hope this makes sense as I seem to have rambled on for quite a bit.

Best wishes on your journey to beating this addiction

Andrew

Hi There Guys,

I have read a few of your posts regarding relapes in your recovery and feel that a few of you could certainly benefit from a 12 Step Recovery Programme adapted from AA (Alcoholics Anonymous).

Millions of problem gamblers worldwide have succesfully adopted this programme into their daily lives and have stayed gamble free for many many years until their last day on earth.

I myself have had many years of a free mind and contentment through using this method. It will give anyone who has a gambling addiction or any addiction for that matter a wonderful daily living programme that knows no bounds.

Not only will you enjoy a contented trouble free daily peace of mind but so will your nearest and dearest.

May I take this opportunity to wish you all well for the future and may you find peace and happiness should you venture on the infallible 12 Step Rcovery Programme. God Bless you all.

Robert (Scotland)

Cheers Andrew i appreciate that advice mate!

At the minute im going to forgo the councilling issue and make this my last stand on my own.

I believe that at the end of the day its always going to be me that beats gambling, im the only one who has the power too. The councillor is and was helpful but at the end of the day i need to focus and try harder.

At times ive tried hard but i need to try harder, ive been far too selfish

I easily forget how much all my friends and family have done and sacrificed me. Its easy to just forget it as time passes, but i need to remember it everyday. I always take things in my life for granted.

Im totally focused on beating this right now, just opened a joing savings account with my gf as we aim to have our own house by next november

Ill worry about the morgage advisor laughing at my credit rating closer to the time, but for the moment ill work on saving 15k for the deposit, lol

🙂

Day 3

Great day today. No Gambling

I was flat out with work, so so busy and then hit the gym straight after i finished. I do a lot of driving in my job so today i spent time thinking about how much happier i am when i dont gamble, i have noticed immediatly even in the last 3 days that i do the following when im NOT gambling

1.) Talk to my Mum and Dad more as opposed to just giving them 1 word answers when im P***** off after gambling disasters

2.) Listen to music in my car and enjoy it as opposed to just driving in silence thinking about the money i have lost

3.) Enjoy being excited about the weekend as opposed to having spent so much money gambling on a Friday that Saturday is as exciting as a trip to the natural history museuem

4.) How much more enthusiastic and postitive i am about everything as opposed to worrying about where im going to get money from to pay debts.

All in all these are 4 great reason why im so much happier not gambling.

My main problem is always going in cycles, when im gambling i do it everyday and go hard until i break my bank

However when i get off it for a number of days i almost forget i gamble and dont even contemplate it, ive just found it so hard in the past to get off gambling. Im excited this time though

This weekend im going to do my 2 favourite things, play golf all day saturday and sunday and spend time with my gf every evening

Have a good weekend everyone

🙂

Hi

Glad to hear you sounding positive and upbeat about the weekend, afterall this is how the weekends should be.

I to used to be very good at the one word answers to my parents when I was gambling but now I'm in a position where I am rebuilding my relationship with them and they see me as a much nicer person.

Enjoy the weekend

Best Wishes

Andrew

Thanks Andrew

Have a good weekend too mate! 🙂