Done it AGAIN!!!!

Hi Tina,

Your mood swings will be all over the place, at this very raw time, don't forget it's been a big shock for your OH, he needs time too for it to sink in, don't push or pressure him, hopefully he will forgive you, as for you, as I said take one day at a time, you will be having different feelings throughout these initial days, but it will get easier whatever the weather, just push through these thoughts,

Sending you positive and strong thoughts, keep posting and venting.

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Thank for your support Suzanne xx

i feel like I am losing my mind. I'm back to crying or on the verge of crying every minute. I cannot handle this much longer. Why can't I just be "normal". Why did I have to gamble again and again and again till I'm left with absolutely nothing. It's not just me who has to suffer - it's my oh and kids as well. How could I be so selfish?!?!!

sorry am just ranting here but have to let my thoughts out otherwise I think I will lose it altogether.

Day 4 - feeling calmer today again. Have phoned a charity organisation to see about setting up a dmp. I got information sent to me from the debt adviceline but now that I have calmed myself down enough to take it in, it seems they only advise on the best options for you. I thought they would set it up for me too and thought when I had phoned them the other day I was half way to get my finances sorted. Anyway there is a financial advisor from the charity going to phone me back so will just have to sit tight until then.

I feel now I am starting to get my head clearer and hopefully can now keep the tears at bay. have had no urges to gamble in the last few days but then again no money to do it with anyway. I know from past times though that now I am starting to get over the devastation of the last loss I will need to be careful. Have blocks in place and will keep posting on here to make sure I get through any urges that will come in the future. I am sooo determined to do it this time, the aftermath is just too much to handle and I have to keep that in my mind.

Tina x

Hi Tina,

Day 5 today well done.

I hope you are getting your finances sorted out, even if it's slowly, it will be a weight lifted off your shoulders.

Also hope you are having another calm day today, in this lovely sunny weather.

Take care and keep positive.

Suzanne xxx

Day 6 - had problems with internet yesterday so couldn't post. Still having moments of anxiety when I think of what I have done again but trying my best to push through these thoughts and start getting on with life again. Money advisor phoned me yesterday to arrange a telephone appointment - the first available was for Thursday - she said if I do get any phonecalls from creditors in the meantime though I could tell them I am in the process of setting up a dmp and direct them to her if need be so feel a bit better about that. Will be a relief when finances are sorted because I feel my life is at a standstill at the moment.

No urges to gamble yet (I say yet because I know they will come eventually) but all blocks in place just in case.

Tina x

Hi Tina,

You will get moments of anxiety and panic, but these will come and go less and less as you continue into recovery.

You are doing fine, keep strong keep going and keep winning.

One whole week already tomorrow

Suzanne xxx

Day 7 - what a week this has been!!! It has definitely been the lowest I have ever felt in my life. My oh keeps asking me how this is any different to the last two times I got myself into major debt. I don't know the answer to that - I just know this time has been so devasting to me and yesterday was actually the first day this week I hadn't felt teary. Wish I could bottle the feelings I have had all week and take a drink of it the next time I get any urges that would be a way of stopping no problem.

Still got a lot of stuff to deal with - relationship, finances etc - but starting to feel stronger by the day and am determined to not let this addiction beat me.

Tina x

Day 8 - starting to feel emotionally stronger as the days go by. A bit more like myself again as each day passes. It's my daughters birthday tomorrow and have a lot to do today preparing for it so that will keep me busy and my mind occupied. She has decided she wants to have her friends over for a sleepover - the first one!! Don't think I know what I'm getting myself into here lol but she is very excited about it.

Wishing everyone a happy and gamble free day.

tina x

Well done Tina 8 days today,

All I can say about girls sleepovers is a hell of a lot of giggling goes on (and more so through the night:) ) lol.Enjoy

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Oh Tina,

I am in exactly the same position. It's horrific the things we put ourselves and those closest too. These sites have a lot to answer for. They give you opportunities to restrict yourself but seriously who as a gambling addict would restrict themselves. That's why I have just joined this gamcare site as I too have now got £5 to last me until the end of the month. I have actually assessed whether I should work in a local brothel just to afford to live and it's ridiculous why I would even consider that. I have lost my dad who has washed his hands of me and my partner has no idea what i do with my money but once he finds out it will be the end. I feel so stupid as i am a manager in a big company and the thought of risking my companies money over a risky venture would not even cross my mind and yet I do it on a daily basis with my wages.

You can do this Tina. I am going to download the gamblock app to every device I own. I am determined to get through this even if i have to starve for the next few weeks. I am not going to use my credit card anymore in fact I am going to cut it up and pay off what I owe slowly.

I believe in you. I will try to read your updates everyday as I hope it will give me courage to put this ridiculous addiction behind me also.

Peace to you Tina.

Holly. xx

Thank you holly and Suzanne - it's good to know there are people out there to support you through this journey of recovery. Holly - I look forward to travelling this journey with you and wish you well.

Day 10 - wow!!! onto double figures now. Had a really busy day yesterday with family and friends all visiting for my daughters birthday. It was the first time I have seen most of them since last week and although none of them know about my addiction I was still very apprehensive and nervous about facing them. I just feel so ashamed of myself for what I have done. It felt horrible when getting asked questions like - are you booking a holiday for this year? Or what have you been doing with your holidays so far? Etc. Just normal conversational questions but obviously with the state my finances are in at the moment it was just a reminder of the mess I am in. Anyway got through it and the girls sleepover so figure if I can handle that I can handle anything lol.

Have my appointment with the money advisor tomorrow. Feeling nervous about it but also know it will be a relief to get my finances sorted and can finally start living again.

Wishing everyone a happy and gamble free day

tina x

Hi Tina,

Just read your diary and congratulations on double figures what a great start the money is always a worry but it won't be once your gamble free for a while they can't take what you don't have and you will start to get your life back I have 30k in debt that I pay monthly yeah it hurts but gambling every day hurts more it takes your life not just your wallet / purse it takes your soul congratulations on the steps you are taking tiny ones for now but you can turn your life around we all can x

The bear x

Having a strong urge to gamble tonight (the first of many I'm sure) so decided to come on here and read some posts and fight through it. Oh left today for two weeks working away from home and before he left he put money in my bank to cover some bills and take the kids out etc. When I think about it, I cannot believe he can trust me with money again, maybe it's not sunk into him how little resistance I have to this horrible addiction. That is why I am feeling so bad that my mind is wandering to gambling again, after everything, he still trusts that I won't gamble the money he has given me. Aggggghhhhhhh!!! How can I even think about it after the way I have felt all week????? I know I cannot win because I won't stop until I lose it all (that is what I am saying over and over in my mind trying to get through this moment). Thank goodness for having blocks in place and for this forum otherwise, I have to be honest, I might have given in by now.

After my appointment with the money advisor tomorrow I am going to go to the bank and withdraw the extra money over and above my direct debits - thinking about the time-money-location theory - obviously, as tonight has proved to me, with my oh being away the time and location is going to be a problem for me, so just in case I find someway around my blocks (I think if I really set my mind to it I probably could) I will break the money corner of the triangle to make doubly sure.

Tina x

Tina, you need to take that extra money out as soon as possible, because the temptation will be just too high.

I know Hun, even now I only leave a very small amount in my account, I use cash for everyday living,

Hope all goes well with the money advisor,

You are doing just fine, just keep taking one day at a time.

Hey and your OH sounds amazing too, (remember with our OHs it's not about the money in the end it's about trust, they can't stand the lies and deceit)

Have a good strong gambling free day.

Suzanne xxx

Day 11 - I am soooo nervous about this money advisor appointment. I keep thinking the worst. What if I'm not able to do a dmp for some obscure reason? What will I do then? I just want this over with. Not long now though she is phoning at 10.

I'm still a bit angry with myself for my thoughts yesterday on gambling again, but not going to beat myself up about it too much. I knew the urge/thoughts would come I just didn't know how soon. Thank goodness for my diary and what I wrote in those first few days, it is a good reminder for me that I don't want to go back to that dark place. I also want to look my oh in the eye when he comes back and tell him honestly that I have not gambled - not one single penny - so this is a good incentive for me.

Will post more later.

Tina x