Dormant

Dear Diary.

Use to think i was unique. This forum put me right on that score. Yet i still think i landed on the wrong planet, without a clue of what mission i suppose to be on? I am convinced that we're in a kaliedescope trying our hardest to find the center.

Thinking lots about my bad compulsions and hold myself back from the total gutter, albeit by my fingertips. From a young age resented money and to this day i can't take it serious. Never ever use to gamble to win, sure i thought i was the dogs bollxx when i 'won' a free day or week. I think sub consciously i fight being content and want people to read my mind or the torture i put upon my self.

This diary is full of riddles and so is my way of communicating. Its clear as day light when its in my head, its just the failure between head and mouth which is the problem. Forever I've looked for the answer or acceptance of my strangeness and every other blue moon i tend to get it.

How do you find something when you haven't got a clue what your looking for? And for that reason i always think 'Whats the f*****g point?

This day will pass, just like the last 16000 plus days. Wish i new what number the last page was. Or most likely i won't achieve my mission in this life time and will have to start from scratch yet again.

A stuttering perfect circle volcano

As usual, I relate to a lot of your thoughts and feelings. I wish I could give you a real hug but a cyberhug will have to do. You ARE unique, though share certain struggles with others. I don't know if you're into it, but I recently posted some links to a free online meditation, a self hypnosis site, and a tapping site. I've been doing all of them.... not solving all my problems but I find they can be helpful in getting me into a better head space. Thinking of you and as you say, wishing I could will you well.

As always Ty Carla. We're not alone and just by this forum it shows up the different journeys we're all on. Some on the same path, yet some on the same rung off the ladder and some behind or ahead. Think sometimes our guilt or arleast mine, is that we want to be 1 step ahead! Is that honesty of human nature or me being a P**k?

What is my mission! f**k knows but i definitely know its not at the bottom of a bottle of red. Yet ive come to the conclusion i need upon need i have to find the way myself. The secret is, its at the tip of my nose

Solitary doesn't make me feel a nuisance to mankind

Paul.

fella I again am honoured to be able to share in the recovery of another.

your latest post got me thinking of those trumps again.

What would the categories be for the human trumps??

Tonights addition.

how many rungs up the ladder,lol mine would say scared of heights so no ladder!!! f**k i can't even watch someone else up a ladder!!!

My category of choice.

feet on the ground!!!!!

there is alot to be said for that.

hope your weekend brings more bricks my friend.

your choice whether to lay them or smash some windows.

either way enjoy.

with honour and strength.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Ty Duncs, can handle the ladder, its just when i look down my yellow streak returns.

Having a chilled, yet freezing my bollxx off week end. A night in fawlty towers, followed by a visit to a top 2 bud.

Rambling rather than rumbling for a nice change.

A perfect circle volcano

Bricks have many uses as you know, it's cathartic sometimes to smash them, I also look in wonder at the awesomeness of what you can build with them.

I'd rather be a work in progress quirky unique structure than one of those soulless , uniform boxes that are thrown up these days.

I know you probably hate them lol but you are the architect on this project... what will you build .?

Take care enjoy your weekend

Blondie

Thanks for taking an interest in my diary and honoured for you to tell me you would have me in the trenches with me.

Really appreciate that despite not agreeing with my chosen recovery route, you understand and respect it. Many others on here cannot do this and treat me as an enemy and merely will me to fail.

Some posts I get on here just uplift me and convince me even more that I am on the right track for me and yours did that.

You have my respect and ongoing support.

Hey V..

Just bumping you back up to page 1 ..

R and D xx

Thanks and ((V)) back atcha... and am quietly willing you on also.

Ty Carla and ExD.

Dear diary.

Still fumbling through, day 65 of no gambling yet something rumbles on. Tired of this existence, yet have never broken a contact and i signed to this b/s. Need to look at the small print next time i sell my soul.

Tired of acting, played so many parts in my past, don't recognise who plays me anymore. Tired of the raging fight i seem to be in with my self. Guess it would be good to like myself, yet why change a habit of a lifetime.

2nd week in new job. Still spewing from last job. Contractors lifestyle yet this time was a low blow. Need to find some interest in this as i go through the motions.

Need to shake this depression and feeling of being 2ft under water. Need to isolate and maybe its time to f**k off and jump on a plane. Yet, that's just running or is it living?

Need to find away to live in the present. Have lost all my self respect and even trust. Can't change the past so just have to say adios and move on. The fight is between me and i.

Please day pass quickly

Hey V

If you can afford it , why not have a holiday to set you up for winter?

Ol Blighty will still be here when you get back and maybe a break would do you the world of good? ...

I guess we are all looking for something ...a bit of peace and to stop the conflicts in our heads..

Answers on a postcard if you have any ideas on that

R and D xx

You've gone over 60 days now without gambling! Congrats! ((((((V))))))

Good golly, you've really accomplished something. If you have money to jump on a plane and haven't gambled it, you're doing far better than me. I suspect it's natural to be having those feelings in early recovery. You feel worse before you feel better. But I think you have to stick with it and ride the feelings without "running away" before it does get better. You are worth it. You may not believe that right now, and that's probably something you have to work on. I believe it. Fighting with you....

Volcano

You never fail to deliver with your unique and creative writing.... i look at my posts and they sound about as exciting as a bucket of travelling mops but yours ? well amigo ! you have the touch.

Try not to get on a plane tho, cos wher ever your heading they just aint f*****g ready for you 🙂 class !

Dark Place - PS - well done on the continued abstinence...

Ditto what DP said. You really do have a way with words and I can't tell you how often I just feel like copying and pasting into my diary. Paul, did your gambling start or escalate when you lost your hand? Was it your dominant? I'm assuming you were/are in construction and had a bad accident. When did it happen? Must have been/must be very traumatic. You can tell me to buzz off if you don't want to "talk" about it.

Hello Carla.

Wouldn't tell you to buzz off, losing my hand was pretty traumatic. But lived gambling well before then. Think if any thing it stunted my growth. But definitely not s symptom to gamble.

Gambling was always my primary and now i fight the switch in enjoying alcohol to much.