Any day life ain't feeling bad Is a good day. Wishing many more your way.
Loved it....and I'll always be there when you wave...
Dear Diary
Another Monday and yet again, im thinking why and what's the point. A stomach full of anxiety mixed with a sadness.
Trying to figure my repeating flare ups, have always had backlashes which often worked to my benefit, but not to this extent and always trying to push down any anger. Thinking all my hostility is a mask in how weak I feel with a mixture of guilt to boot, hence im just angry at myself.
This is what I need to face and somehow ditch the guilt and start believing my own words. Ive got the tools, now I just need to find the Will.
Off to work I go, roll on Saturday
Well I'm finding Monday's to be less destructive than the weekends lately, especially when it comes to farmers markets and salsa LOL payday for me today and gotta feeling won't be making my way to no casino. LOL LOL LOL
Hope your Monday is way better than anticipated.
Hey V,
Just to thank you for ur supportive message...means a lot...keep well yourself and please keep fighting....get back what is yours...your life! No slips or blips...it just don't help..
Take care
Sandra x
TY,TY
Hello Diary.
Tired of recovery.
Tired of the emotional roller coaster.
Tired of the void.
Tired of the B/S
Tired of people.
Tired of acting on the mini world stage.
Tired of lonliness
Tired of the game.
Tired of the enlightend who want to show me the light.
Guessing i'm just tired!
Hi V...
Sounds much like what I wrote the other day.
No advice, just acknowledging what you have said.
Regards... S.A
Ty SA, guessing we're both tired.
Hello Diary.
Taking a sickie today, not been there 3 weeks and i'm blowing a day out. Shame on me! Have struggled in this new low moral job and trying to find a spark to get some oomph in me. A little bit of stuffing knocked out of me from last job. but hai contracting life.
Desperate for some purpose or aim. Always feel like im 2 foot under water, blowing bubbles from a snorkel. Had few gambling thoughts, but know id sink deeper. Really need to fill this void, and to learn to stem the avalanche of emotions. Think I either became a emotionless person or managed to push them all down in my gambling life and now im wondering what the hell are these strange feelings?
Up and down, hopefully back on dry land soon. It really is S***e having a big capital L tattooed on your forehead. f**k, here comes the guilt!!!
Well having an "L " on your head is better than having a "P " on your head as I have for "psycho" ...
Just trying to cheer you up a bit and give you a comparison so you may not fester on your thinks today. Just know that someone out here (me) is more foooked up being a borderline- codep- violent- aggressive- psycho!
look at what ya cudda won?
R and D. Xxx....trying to raise a smile
Well hey any Day off is a good day off in my book. Hope ya fill it with plenty of R&R. Guess them gambling thoughts are.always at the tip of my brain and don't think I'll be seeing a end to that one any time soon. LOL hell has got to be more to life than gambling and for the life of me ain't got a clue at what it is. LOL LOL LOL
Enjoy that day off.
No words for you today except for "I know". All I can give today is ((P))
and tell you I admire you for your strength.
TY,TY, Strength Carla? really don't know the meaning of that word.
Morning Diary.
Having a morning fight with the same thoughts from yesterday. Go to work, Don't go to work!! Shooot w*f is wrong with me, have to drag this sorry a**e out and show the face.
Feel so trapped, never a sanctuary to give me any reprieve, gambling use to my get out, now I feel just empty. Tired and a slow, who gives a f**k brain.
Choice - another day walking aimlessly at work or another day wondering aimlessly between bedroom and lounge. Has to be the latter..
Hi Ho
Hey V
I know you hate the winter months with no sun and normally you do a late holiday at this time of year....
Not suggesting you jump on a plane as to sit in discomfort and not try and do a geographical is part of the recovery process , but maybe a local trip to see the fam could be a tonic? Long weekend Thurs - Sun?
A few home comforts and cooked roastie? ...that's not running away...it's being kind to yourself .
Xxx
Hey... no gambling = strong and that is you. I hear what you're saying about the aimless wandering... I often think it was a mistake for me to go off work as I am not using the time as I should. It's almost worse. But I shall keep trying to lift myself from this funk. You will too.
TY Rach and Carla, support truely appreciated.
Hello Diary.
Took the former and beat myself up at work rather than my front lounge, which also happens to pay a bit better.
Really do think if I abstained gambling for the next 10 years id still be just as weak as I feel right now, id replace it with one thing or the other. The little illogical devil sat on my shoulder yesterday, sure hoodwinked me in thinking that a day off is just what I needed, yet all I did was stew in my head and build up my bitterness to life. How bizarrely illogical is that?
I know it sounds weird but I really think ive been here many times before and yet still don't listen, spend to much time wishing I was some one else. Need to leave this hell ive entrapped my self in and find the code to simple living.
It really has to be simpler than this S***e!!!!!
Random thought before early night. Why the f**k do we get depressed in giving something up what hurts us, whether gambling, smoking, drinking etc??? Don't get it!!!
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