Dormant

It feels like a sad Gamcare. Just a thought but it does to me!

Feel a bit FFS now and truthully no reason to feal that way.

An element of a guilt pang washing over, yet no new guilt to process!!

2 out of 3 interviews covered in the pass 24hrs with 1 being cancelled. Did well in both, and possible nice dilemma coming up! On paper my life is ok and when 1 of the jobs come up that will take away an excuse not to make a big change in my life. At a massive crossroads with change and getting a job taking away a big excuse in seeking a big environmental move.

Its odd, it changes from day to day, where sometimes the change is exciting and then its daunting. Have done well this past couple of months and now at a comfortabe plataeu, yet ive been here many times! Fear creeps in, yet there's no fear apart from change. Its about being human i guess, yet that needs courage! My back to the wall, i find courage but when its not, i seek to stand still or escape..

Met an old work friend earlier for a drink. A fellow addict who had a 'system' for the FBOT last year. I'm quite vocal with my friends regarding my addictive woes, yet i never give advice! I recognise deaf ears when i see them. Only a couple of pints but knew where his head was, i pointed him to some local eateries as he's working away but he chose the bookies instead as we bidded farewell to next week. I think it rates about 50/50 with my pals when it comes to addiction, i need to make sure that i stay in the right half!!

No drama's, just tracking my moods and experiencing my life. So its all good apart from whats bad.

+2 added since last post and no gambling thoughts...

A little sad..

No way sad GC!☺

If you smile at your reflection (ohhh...toughie i suppose huh) you will have a person smiling back ☺ (proven ya know!!!...i call it magic lol lol)
I hear ya V...changes huh..the most difficult thought process needed to get over with before the action takes place !(does it make sense? ;-)...BTW where is my runner up throphy on the subject?..or am i 3rd - 4th :-/)

I feel at the crossroads also...for the last 12years to be honest lol...no, i did worked it out since then but again come to one at......maybe last 5 or 6 since my ex decided to do me a favour and do one, i just didn't expect him jumping on my worst enemy next lol...what goes round comes round huh..best of luck for him and his family ☺

Changes are necessary V, the baggage we carry can start weighing us heavily and that's when we know it's time to move on! Where??? Anywhere where your heart is telling you.

Good skills on non gambling..i am quite proud of me too lol...just started the 6th one! Hooray! I shall take it ☺

You be good and keep breathing...taking it steady and moving on one hour at a time if needed! That's all..

WB to happy GC 😉

Ps..just thought about having a goal..if you have one, that's half the battle won! Definitely is ☺ & little goals gets us to that long term one ahead. Sounds easy....nothing is easy but everything is achievable !

Goooo and show world what you're made off! -Roar my friend!

Will get back to you Sandra.

Its all about me!! I've been using this diary to see my weekly cycle and looking at things that P***s me of and whether its justified or whether its the addict in side being the prominent force. My conclusion is that its both but its also a conclusion that its in my hands to alter this cycle. A lot work of needed to heal.

There's a for and against when it comes to looking back at our gambling correar. I humbly think that through abstaining you can get to a nce honeymoon like plateau and start the feel good factor. Honeymoons end! then you start to level on the particular plateau, this to me is slippery ground and a real danger of going into the dry (gambling) territory. Thats my experience and thats pretty much where i stayed for 3 previous years. Too continue healing my belief is that you need to face up to the past and process your guilt. I'm not saying it needs to define you or be guilted by it but in 1 way or the other it needs to be processed. Thats the red light i'm at the moment. My guilt isn't money to be honest, money comes and goes! My guilt lies in the mind playing manipulation i mastered in my addict correar.........I'm slowly getting there but as Dan rightfully pointed out, i've got myself stuck in the theory and cause. Maybe subconciously i'm finding 'step 8' the hardest thing to process i've faced so far ie righting the wrongs i've done....

Quite possibly also i'm spending too much time in my head. The balance/ focus quite possibly changing in the very near future as i await a phone call, possibly today...

Hi Volcano,

I think thats one of my issues as well.

I spend too much time in my own headspace.

Thoughts rattling around.

Thats the value of this place I guess. gets the thoughts out to a wider audience.

Hope you get that call... S.A

From where I am standing that kerb looks about 60 ft high but at least I am up off my knees. Ditto the headspace rambles, that's what happens when I isolate.

Fear of futures unknown versus excitement. Both adrenalin buzzes to replace the demon's buzz.

Thank you for dropping by, a friend in need and all that.

xxx

Hey V,

Sadness is ok, ups and downs are too...they're all part of living. And I don't mean merely being alive, I mean actually living... with all the thoughts, feelings and angst that not zoning out brings. You've got choices, options, thoughts to process and decisions to make. That's ok.

I wonder whether it's less about a honeymoon that inevitably comes to an end, or whether it's more like hill climbing ( or maybe that should be mountain). You climb the first bit and are elated to reach base camp...but after staying there for a while you realise there's still more climbing to do. You can stay at base camp (or, god forbid, you can just head back down the mountain) or you can gather your strength and keep climbing. You don't really know what the climb will be like, you might even wish you hadn't bleeding started it as base or base camp was easier in some ways, but in the end you'll never know until you push on....hoping (knowing) that the exertion will be worth it. Your mountain may be bigger than mine, and the difficulties you face along the way may be harder but we have to trust that the view will be worth it.Pace yourself...there's no rush...and get those crampons out!

LB x

LOL ! Yeah cheers Paul , the customers sometimes get s look in too ! Hope , dare I say " you're having a good day " my friend ! Take care buddy !

Haha, i like that V ☺

6 min talking to operatives (x32) = 192 min...
2 min trying to make sense (to agency ops x6) = 12min
5 min break
10min smiles...
...no time to check mountain of emails yet 😀

But only 5hrs to go 😉

Hope your day will be well more entertaining than mine!

Bounce bounce....

The bear of the gambling beast tore at every limb of my body. Playing dead to the beast as he was distracted by taking more of my soul and hard earned cash, I played dead and silently prepared myself for the final assault. I had too much inside me to let this beast win. He came in for his final charge but was unaware of attack being the best form of defence And attack I did.....

I layed there with the dead beast of the FOBT bear on top of me and reached out for the cyber gamcare, to help and revive this ravished body. And help came in abundance.

Yet the battle wasn't over as I layer in recovery. There was a more final spirit I needed to a evenge as I layed there broken.

With my spirit unleashed to the Arctic conditions and the hungry pack of revengeful sioux fobts after my soul. I moved forward, sometimes crawling but forward none the less.

3 years I spent in that wilderness bur move I did and becoming stronger as I edged forward to my final frontier and battle with fire burning brightly in my stomach..

TBC.

The Revenant

Plus 2 added, no gambling and unfortunately no job. Fighting on to another day

Hi V,

Interesting post and see that your fighting spirit is in full force! Great going ☺

re the drink. I cannot drink my friend. There is socialiable drinking and escape drinking. I'm sadly the latter. I walked that path for many years and now it's time to fight back.
Urges comes and goes, same as gambling i suppose (maybe harder).
We live in this century, yes indeed but if person noticing that something is not right, something needs to be done about it ☺

So I'm doing something about it.
I am v tired and know what needs doing...some beauty aft sleep lol...go us 30 yr youngins huh 😉

Nite you and keep talking

Good post Paul and in a strange way reminded me of the opening verse of Meatloafe's " you took the words right outta my mouth "

Which say's " On a hot summers night would you give your throat to the wolf with the red roses " . Bit random but just something that just came to mind !.

Also just wondering if you'd given any thought to a destination for your vacation , that a green person earlier mentioned ? . LOL !

Take care good buddy !

Random...

The government guidelines for units of alcohol has always been 21 units for men and 14 units for women.

Today as I went for a health check, the new ruling is 14 units for both.... HOW?

It's all a conspiracy!!!

Just maybe , women are getting bigger ?

Have a great weekend Paul !

Awwww shucks, it's nice to be missed & a bit of guilting is never gonna do me any harm!

I meant to pop over last night with a...w*f?!? 7 minutes for a loo break? Wot does Sandra do in there ;-0