Dormant

7 minutes?! :-0 ...i think i spend 5 at the mirror checking wrinkles out :-D...ya know...pulling the face and making mimics lol

Keep on trucking V!

As I sit with my once a day coffee and watch the world go round..

More random thoughts. My therapist cancelled Thursdays meet. I was ok with it, have nearly done my talking but a bit more guilt to process with her and soon on this forum. I've been amazed at what the power of talking can do and thats all it really is. I unlocked something the other week, a major jig saw of my life. Not sure If it fits but it doesn't really matter. It was about my accident.

Any post of mine yesterday was tinged with a little bit of controlled anger. I think I hid it well... Progress! ! I had 2 interviews last monday/ Tuesday and nailed both of them but didn't want to be cocky. The 1st one was with 2 men and I flew it but It was a bit different to my usual projects and involved a lot of ladder access/ egress. I could tell that with all there questions that they avoided the biggest question in there head, this regarding my handshake, so I answered it for them and told em, that there was no difference to how they did it, apart from one of my hands was a prosphetic. I obviously never convinced them well as I ticked every box.

My initial reaction was anger as they wasted a week of mine and then I realised that I would probably have thought the same. There is still an outside chance, which I should find out Monday, my addictive cut my nose off side wanted to say f**k em... but I didn't. ... Progress. ...

I finally started my anti biotics, this will keep me off the beer for a week. I'm happy with the present... but..

Hi, Volcano,

Sorry to be slow to reply to your posts, thank you very much for your kind words. Respect is mutual.

My husband hasn't been as ill as my daughter, who is starting to think about occasionally rising from her sick bed for short periods, nothing too energetic, I can't even put it down to her being a teenager, it is real flu. Suggestions of Himself having MF weren't well received. He's male and has had a nasty virus but certainly not MF. Fair enough. Oddly enough, my suggestion that our daughter was getting depressed received a strong rebuttal from him, I meant that she was low because the virus is dragging on but someone must have suggested the D word to him because he really did react to it. I've wondered for some time but not suggested the GP, as ever, it would be down to him to go. And the GP is a woman, not helpful. No lightbulb moments for him yet but his therapy sessions are fortnightly, we could do with a few more.

Sorry to hear that you're still between jobs but you must be doing something right to get the interviews, the right job will arrive for you when it's meant to. Is it worth asking for feedback? Or if you're using recruitment agencies, asking for their advice? For what it's worth, don't think of yourself or your surname as too sly or sleazy, you wouldn't want that coming across in interviews.

BW,

CW

You didn't say u used to break dance 😉

Thanks for your post CW. ' Sleezy fox ' is just a play with the letters of my surname. But as a gambler i would never tell my ex, friends, family etc, that i'd just done my or about to do my bollxx at the bookies. Hence gamblers are sly (sleezy) just like foxes. They are also pretty much around us all the time but invisble, and only show there pointed faces rarely.... again just like gamblers.

Sandra, it took me years before i realised i was suppose to move my feet with dancing, no wonder my dates in younger days were rare..

A good day, a evening with friend and his family. Well fed and naturally tired..

volcano wrote: As I sit with my once a day coffee and watch the world go round.. More random thoughts. My therapist cancelled Thursdays meet. I was ok with it, have nearly done my talking but a bit more guilt to process with her and soon on this forum. I've been amazed at what the power of talking can do and thats all it really is. I unlocked something the other week, a major jig saw of my life. Not sure If it fits but it doesn't really matter. It was about my accident. Any post of mine yesterday was tinged with a little bit of controlled anger. I think I hid it well... Progress! ! I had 2 interviews last monday/ Tuesday and nailed both of them but didn't want to be cocky. The 1st one was with 2 men and I flew it but It was a bit different to my usual projects and involved a lot of ladder access/ egress. I could tell that with all there questions that they avoided the biggest question in there head, this regarding my handshake, so I answered it for them and told em, that there was no difference to how they did it, apart from one of my hands was a prosphetic. I obviously never convinced them well as I ticked every box. My initial reaction was anger as they wasted a week of mine and then I realised that I would probably have thought the same. There is still an outside chance, which I should find out Monday, my addictive cut my nose off side wanted to say f**k em... but I didn't. ... Progress. ... I finally started my anti biotics, this will keep me off the beer for a week. I'm happy with the present... but..

Positives V. Well done and I'm glad you're happy with the present. Positive thoughts for Monday!

Hi, V,

Ok, I can see the analogies but you're not actively gambling, you're working on recovery, it's long term work but the real slyness and sleaziness is in the active secret gambling, not in the hard work of recovery. That's why I'm suggesting that you don't want to project any idea to an interviewer that somehow think this is still you, it's not, you're in recovery now. That's just my take for what it's worth, no offence is intended.

My husband - and this is him, not anyone else - went for multiple interviews over the last three years and got one single offer. This was later withdrawn because there was something that he needed to tell them about the practicalities that he left too late to tell them and they actually said that he hadn't been honest about it. He'd been gambling for ten to fifteen years by then and he was in deep, in the earlier years he had succeeded at interview more than once. The addiction is progressive and I suspect that something about his very addicted mindset was coming across and putting the interviewers off. Since he stopped gambling, he hasn't tried to move jobs and hopefully he won't until he's in a better place.

Keep up the dancing practice.

CW

You put a smile on my face with the dancing pun CW. Thankyou. And no, i would never take any thing you said offensive, i like/ value your straightness...I do have a view regarding your 2 posts and i will get back to you. ps 'sleezy fox' was only on my f&f thread, i'm far from a fox 😉

Note.. I just deleted a long post. For 2 reasons, a tad of paranoia as i dont feela need to shout from the roof tops ' i'm an addict get me out of here ' ie paranoid about work. And the 2nd reason, i felt i needed to validate my self, something i'm moving out of. As long as i practice my values/ understanding/ principles and keep moving forward, that will be the only validation to myself i need.. So another Thankyou coming your way CW

" IF YOU CAN MAKE ONE HEAP OF ALL YOUR WINNINGS

AND RISK IT ON ONE TURN OF PITCH AND TOSS AND LOSE ,

AND START AGAIN AT YOUR BEGINNINGS AND NEVER BREATH A WORD ABOUT YOUR LOSS "

"IF" By Rudyard Kipling

Compulsive gambler ?

Hope you hear of good news tomorrow and a second handshake that won't be as awkward and silent as the first. This reminds me of a time I met a work colleague from another office. He has deformed arms and hands through Thalidomide. I avoided the handshake with him through my own discomfort. As I spent the next couple of days in his company and saw him work I began to see the same love and dedication to his job that I had. He worked a screwdriver and toolkit to fix the problem with the laptop, not in the same way I would but found his own way. There was a steel and self-reliance about him that was hard not to admire but he never courted sympathy. From your posts I get the same impression, someone who doesn't want a hand out (pun intended) just the opportunity to do their work. Next time I meet my work colleague I won't hesitate to shake his hand and likewise I would shake your hand with honour. Strength and honour to you Paul.

Cheers Paul , I have to say that I agree that it's far from the cowards way out as some people see it , I've always thoiught that you must be in such a bad place to act on those feelings , sure I did contemplate it but would I have acted on it, who knows but thankfully my kids came to mind and as you say what does that leave them to deal with !.

It just upset me a bit last night , seeing that young girl and knowing what she now has to deal with and at such a young age , it just kinda puts all our self inflicted gambling cra.P into perspective and makes you look at life a bit differently !..

Thanks Paul and I hope you have a good day my friend and wishing you luck on the job front .

To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete. Epictetus...

I've struggled these past few days. And somewhat fearful that i've slipped on the calculus again gone back into a some form of addiction illness but with out the gambling or amy other potential substance ie drink or a joint. Sitting in them emotions are hard and i've tried to force them unsuccessfully with you-tubing/ documentarys/ films etc but the truth is my minds not with any of them and i find my self drifting from the present to the future or the past.

As mentioned before, i've used this diary since the new year to check on my now weekly cycle but i've also noticed my ego led addict minded posts. The human vulnerabilty slips inbetween the ego posts.

I know work is a factor as i try to keep a brave face on my mug as that threshold is at the moment the biggest its ever been since losing my hand 20 odd years ago. My fear of making a massive change in my living arrangements and moving from my london abode to a further southern town where i dont really know one is another factor. The fear of change. The past and the future are sometimes scary places to ggo to with out the aid of a time machine.

I'm a product of mixed parentage, which is a pun really. A strong northern old man and a vulnerable weak southern old lady. My extended northern roots consist of a loveable 83yr old peroxide, skimpy red dress aunt and her son. I love them dearly. My southern extended roots consist of an army of uncles/ aunts and cuzzy's, and truthfully i dont like any of them and been fortunate that they dont inhabit my world and only see them once every 20/30 years. If i tripped over them in the gutter i would either not recognise or not give a f**k... Sorry, but thats how it is. Now why did i need to explain that? I'm not a big facebook man and have 20 odd friends on that particular site but in truth there's only hald a dozen friends i keep in contact with. Always get random requests from the past, which i tend to ignore. The other day i got one from a cousins Mrs, who i dont know or care for. And to be quite honest, the vocano simmered as i thought w*f, as i quickly ignored and deleted. This has taken a couple of days to process as i know its my issue and i've slipped back down to Epictutus 1st sentance in above proverb....

I've also noticed with my weekly therapy that i start to slip after the 4th/5th day and my smile is planted rather than natural, but a good actor none the less. Last weeks was cancelled and now i feel a bit out to sea with out a paddle as i sit with my uncomfortable emotions. They will pass i know, but need downloading in one form or the other.

So poor gamcare, be prepared......

My what a complex man you are , LOL !

Lke they say , you can choose you friends but not your family and I can empathise with that one , I've a really small family and TBH , I've not got a lot of time for many but I'm very loyal to the one's I do have a lot of contact with and equally so with a select group of friends . Don't do facebook or twitter as I really don't have the time nor the inclination , so many similarities there my friend .

Therapy ? never done that but I'm assuming the reason the slip is there is because last week was missed , so understandable feelings I would think , good to get it down in txt my friend , opens you up and allows you reflection later !, but yeah I can see how Gamcare would be worried !.

Have a good day Paul and stay focused on that journey of yours.

Respect Buddy !

Hi Paul, I'm back. Daughter's on the mend and back to school, so that's all good. In reply to your question about the eating plan it's called Whole 30....nothing but godness for 30 days (no sugar, alcohol, processed foods, white carbs, etc) then you add them back in to see how you feel. I felt great doing it and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it might be. Came off it with a bang with all the hospital food ( only real choice was sandwiches) and feel like cr.ap again now, so am back on it again today.

Ok, so on the plus side you are recognising a pattern and I'm assuming you'll be seeing your therapist again this week. One suggestion would be to limit the thinking time. As you're well aware, I'm all for getting to the root of things and for me I couldn't "let go" until I knew what it was that I was letting go of. However, constantly sitting with those thoughts swirling can be exhausting, so maybe set a time limit....and then force yourself to do something else. Something physical and engaging that will stop your mind wandering off. Getting it down on here probably helps. I also find actually saying it out loud (only when you're on your own!) really helps...almost like I'm having a conversation with someone. The other thing to remember is action...thought without action doesn't help you move on.

I'm sure we've all got family that we'd rather not have. I'm just wondering why those people have the power to bring out such a strong response in you? (I'm not expecting you to answer...just wondering what it is they've triggered). The people in my family that I used to feel like that about were the ones who I felt had hurt me and let me down. Thankfully, that's changed now.

LB x

Hi, V,

A non-random thought that I came across and liked:

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am just for myself, what am I? If not now, when?" -Hillel.

Hope this distracts you from too much thinking.

CW