Dormant

Yes, the changes in your diary perfect sense. We all change and evolve (and re-evolve)...I like the person that I've met now. I'm guessing (assuming) that you like him better too. I know I'm not the same person that I was a few years ago and in virtually all ways that's a good thing. I know myself much better now, have managed to ditch a lot of the fear and insecurities which I carried around and I have been able to get a much better understanding of what makes me tick.That's the beauty of it all in a way...this forum, life, being human...we can change and grow and be accepted from where we are now. Sure, people will know us from "before". Those that matter will be genuinely happy at the change and growth, those that don't matter will fall by the wayside and new people will come into our lives whom we have no history with and who only know us (and like us) as we are now.

LB x

You are so right there LB, Thankyou.....

Got busy today, just random stuff but busy pushing my state of limbo...Still waiting on job front but pushed boat out none the less and a few more leads. Managed to sit in uncomfortable thoughts and did think about going for a beer, crossed my mind on more than one occasion but kept any intake healthy........ Go me...

Random thought for today is '' If you haven't got nothing nice too say, well dont say anything at all. ''

This is a line my dads mum use to say to him. I never met her but she had a few pearlers

Truthfully its not something iv'e completely adherred too in the past but something i try too practice now. I'm proud of myself, i try my best albeit some mistakes. A human trait, and thats all i only want to be. Change is possible!!

The circle of addiction- social anxiety isolation- nice/ nasty persona - Paul is changing.I'm changing to the man i know i am...

Thanks Suzanne for keeping your fingers crossed. I cant lie that its not frustrating me but i'm happy that i'm doing all i can....

Reflection and Anger.....

The last few mornings i've woke after a few hours with the uncomfortable churning of anger. Iv'e not gone banging, shouting or taking out on other people but held it in and tried to surpress with other tools as humour or cynisism. This isn't probably the best way. For the 1st time in 20odd years i witnessed 1st hand beyond doubt somebodys small mindedness about a use of a ladder by a prosphetic wearing man. Is this really relevant on a gambling forum, well yes it probably is, its a delibitating emotion that if kept inside can have a bearing on recovery and now for me another acceptance i need to find, all because i was interviewed by a weak man.... I'm trying to use this post to SCREAM and throw away this feeling!!! and its helped in the cathartic way of writing and trying to understand, i would of thought the same, but the difference is with my present mind set i would of probably asked that question to the people who gave me a reference, one of them a director of the same company. A feeling of prejudice isnt easy as its something many people have hid behind, with which is complete and utter BS.... but hai ho....

Reflection and progress, i know without doubt that ive been able to raise peoples anger in the past by my ' ME, me, Woe, me ' ttitude. Some i've tried to atone for it, some deserved it/ lots didn't. But sorry, the latter is by the by now. Reflection of anger makesxme simpathise to be honest with the gambling addict and the partner. My simpathese always lie with the OH of a gambler but to use anger/ resentment to a gambler in recovery is no good for either side and needs recognising and dealing with..................

Acceptance comes in many formats and needs to be recognised to avoid more clouds appearing in our complex minds...

Downloaded and out...Note, no need for thoughts back...I.m an addict in recovery...

Moral........... Forget/ process the past and move on

Paul.

Fella I believe that your post is wholly relevant to the recovery process.

On the face of it I believe that it's down to the fella taking the easiest option, to dismiss something because of pure ignorance.

I walked in those shoes for a huge proportion of my life, just drawing a line straight from a to b and f**k anyone who was pointing out that if you went via c the outcome would be one of greater value.

I am currently riding a situation in work where the gm is leaving a week today and their husband left three weeks ago.

Why ?

Well if you ask them or any of the customers who's ears they have bent it's because they have been driven out, doubtless by me in some folks eye's, the owners in others,f**k probably the pot man's in some!

The truth, well that is plain and simple they have been winging the job from the outset, the minimum input and an outstanding ability to lie about anything that might show the elephant in the room.

And they are spoiling for a fight, comments dropped at every opportunity.

Three years ago I would have risen to it,three years ago I wouldn't care about the consequences I would have waded in, looked to humiliate them, look to better my outlook by belittling theirs and sadly I would have taken huge joy from it.

Today I will go to work with one simple aim, to cook my socks off, nothing more nothing less.

For me I have a job to do and that's what I will do, I have a team to look after, support and show that we are 100% committed to achieving simply that.

Today Paul like you I want what is right, for me and everyone who's up for living.

Three years ago I would have been writing that you have to contact your referee and drop the fella from a great height.

Today I will tell you what comes around goes around.

You will find the right job. Why?

Because if you put the effort in it will in turn reward you for it.

Mind you I am still awaiting your promised cv!!!! The second chefs position awaiting! !!!

As the honourable smiler said wisely 'look after yourself'

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Agreed Duncs, i also believe that last post was relevant to the recovery process. It taught me a lesson and i was aware when writing it that i've also worn rose tinted glasses like the interviewer. The companys i work for are regional, ie you can work for the same company but in a different region and its like working for a completely different company. The director referee works a ifferent region and thats when i realised the small mindedness of the interviewer, when he was given the opportunity again in asking the question in my prowess around a building site.

This diary is about me and my daily thoughts, it unfortunately took a life of its own with regard to work.... Progress not perfection.

This morning has been inventfull. I used this diary to process anger. Then i went out, i shared a joke with my local shop keeper and his giant side kick. I sat with my morning coffee and then read a paper. Then............... whoop, whoop i got a job and start Monday, relatively short contract but suits my needs...

Now, i need to move away from this forum for a bit to live and ponder something in my mind.....3 times in the past few weeks, i've heard this line ' thought with out action keeps us stuck ' I genuinely thank the people who have said that.

My last thought is ' you cant be doing wrong, for doing right '

Addiction sickness is on a sliding scale and im fortunate....

Morning Paul , just read your last post and wanted to say congratulations with the job ! you perseverance has paid off my friend and I'm really pleased for you .

Best wishes buddy and have a great day !

Paul

​with honour and strength and respect.

​I salute you

duncs stepping forward never back

​

​

Well done on the job Paul sounds like it suits which is what you have been holding out for.

KTF

Thank you V firstly for your comments and support, very much aprreciated by me and all comments taken on board:))

You have used your own diary exactly how a diary should be used, simply with your thoughts at that moment of posting,

I am really chuffed you have found a job that suits you at this time , and I sincerely wish you the very best on this new adventure, whether it be short or long, it's something new and challenging, however long or short it runs, it's an invaluable experience in our building bricks of life:))

Your personal thoughts on your own diary have been honest and from the heart, and I thank you again for inspiring me in my own journey of the Unknown:))

Take care and keep safe

Suzanne xxx

PS look forward to reading your next update :))) xxx

Glad the job came through - er, respect?

CW

Vrroooommmmm!!!! (That's my "sporty" Golf coming round 😀

Congrats on the job front dear Paul! Sounds like they have found themselves a little gem ☺

Hope you will keep us updating on your progress...i have your throphy here (somewhere) for your dedication, honesty and never ending battle from this horendous addiction!

Wish you well...show them what ya are made of man!

Hello volcano

Really appreciate your support.

Can identify with a lot of what you write. Always find your diary an interesting read.

Think it's understandable to fear change, but certainly in my case coming out of my comfort zone is crucial. The comfort zone is where my gambling addiction is.

Like you being forced to face the bully and me being forced to speak to survive, daunting as it might be - being forced out the comfort zone isn't always a bad thing. If we wait until we feel ready to do something, we risk never doing anything in life. In my case somethings I'm never going to feel ready to do but have to start trying anyway.

Know when and where my local GA is. Even been past and looked in through a window (nothing weird about that). That sort of environment isn't going to be easy for me, but that's the point.

Congratulations on your job, thank you for the support and all the best for a bright future!

Glint

Hi Volcano,

Thought without action keeps us stuck. So true.

Hope your new contract works out ok.

Regards... S.A 🙂

Congrats on the job...seems like your sausage sizzled after all 🙂

It's been good getting to know you a bit over the last few weeks. Don't be too much of a stranger...I'll always have a chair for you if you need to park your b*m!

Keep well...and don't forget the birds.

LB x