Dormant

Good morning volcano

Wishing you a smooth transition that brings with it positive change.

All the best

Glint

Thankyou... Your a good man Glint, i'll get back to you. My favourite LB, more chatting ( therapy ) will be in the pipe line, ' Mind, body & soul! I need to concentrate for now on the body, so osteopath and gym on the agenda for next few weeks. Deano, I only heard the top and tail a few years ago, I use to always refer to it as nibbling.

Edited = Note to my self - Not my issue....

Nothing changes if nothing changes as i move to a new environment.

The Revenant pioneer

The gym and the osteopath eh? Sounds like a good combination.

I read your post yesterday but by the time I came back to reply, it had changed. I agreed with all you said...that post had left me angered and saddened in equal measure. The total lack of compassion was astounding but eventually it dawned on me that it takes a hard heart to write something like that. The people who really matter don't think that way....they see the courage, decency and strength of character that it takes to be open and honest. Admitting flaws, understanding ourselves, opening the box and letting the contents out....that's the key to growth and change and I admire everyone on here who does that. So, I decided (as you have) to let it go. After all, "you can't argue with stupid"

As I sit in the sun watching the pony eat his hay, I have a feeling today is going to be a good day for both of us.

LB x

Hai LB, thanks for the post and i'll give my take here.

Even though I also agree with my deleted post. I also felt I need to reign myself in and remind myself that who am i to be self righteous. My ex would always say that if you get ' wound up by some one else or something, you need to take a step back and look at what your not happy about with your own self ' . So, as someone says on here, just be happy with keeping my side of the road clean!

Each to there own I guess...

My Friday is ok and looking forward to my weekend. Also reminding my self that for a few reasons that im lucky and I've got it good.......

Regret Nuffin my destination....

I had a gamble last Saturday. I put a £10 on my mates pc and played poker. I walked the line as i won a tourney, this led to a punt on the footie, I won again. This led to worry mixed with excitement as I pumped it all on the next footie match... I lost. Good! But none the less I fed the demon.

Now my present gamble free is 5 days, so if it's only one day at the time, im no different to 2 weeks ago!, I need reign my self in and go back in time to my ' rock bottom ' and respect this addiction.

There's a whisper in the ear going on at the moment, as I sit with my paper,;enjoying the breeze, Sun Г— 2 and a pint. The sports pages flash by and need to remind myself that them bridges are burnt. What a b.itch I think as I accept moderation isn't a quality of mine... .

Won't gamble today...

Hi Paul , just read your last post and I really think that none of us as addicts have any degree of moderation and maybe there lies some if not all of our problem , the doing things in moderation switch is missing , I know that if I could figure out where I'd left mine I prob wouldn't be here ?.

Enjoy the breeze , the sun and your pint my friend and as always wishing you well !.

& today's prize goes to honesty, determination, self awareness, kindness....in other words the brightest star whivh shines on this earth - V !!☺

Keep on trucking...foot in front of another..

Proud of you

Thanks Alan, agreed, but still have an element of belief that I can find the moderation on/off switch.... deluded hai? Possibly!
Thanks to The Lithuanian Bard, churning out some good posts lately, good on you.

" You know you've got it, if it makes you feel good! "
Janis Joplin.

My first day as a townie commuting.

Hi Paul only just seen your post. The only thing i ever did in moderation was my recovery. I have a lot of respect for you my friend but its time to get off the pot. Talk is cheap. Its great having a self awareness of ones self as you clearly do but kind of useless if you are not going to use that information to make the changes required. If you want to continue the lifestyle you lead then continue, no judgement from me. However if what you are doesnt fulfill your perception of who you want to be, then actions not words are the only thing that are going to cut it.

Dan

Ooft! Think I felt that Dan post from the bus here in Hackney. Sure Dan could get a job at North Korea, disecting that atom.

As ever, suspect he's not far off the money

I'd add maybe it's time to take that step and go to ga. Also I will v gladly shout you a brilliant ACT book if u email me yr post addy - would be my pleasure to do so. Got 3 mates v into it and it's really taken off with em.

Seems to me you have made great progress and hope your not gona step back. Think with your self awareness you've got a very strong platform to push forwards on, if u want to.

Also happy to meet for a 3d chat if you want.

Best

Louis

Dan the Kim Jong-un of gamcare! I know you've hit the nail on the head again as I come across a similar fork in the road. History repeating! So, agreed with both you and Louis, have a few new steps to take and GA likely.

Louis, I have invested in a ACT book, only came the other day and not looked at the cover yet. It is something as discussed im very interested in and was quite liberating finding the label of social anxiety rather than my life long label of ' weird moments '. Even though I haven't been practicing it per se, just by understanding the label of SA, I haven't experienced any ' weird moments ' for a while.

Despite what i've written above, this is where my head has been for past couple of weeks and maybe a seed was planted at Cheltenham, I know if a bookies was near me during the Gold cup, I would of had a bet.

Then last Good Friday came about and I fancied a game of poker , I didn't consider it a ' f**k it ' escape, more of switching my mind to a game that I enjoyed and wasn't one of the many things that broke me ie FOBT and bookies. I'm excluded on my lap top, but my mate was away, so I asked to put a tenner on and went on from there.... As I write this, I now know it was pretty dumb of me, at the moment I'm happy with my lot and have some achievable aims im heading too, so I indeed need something to keep me on the straight and narrow and continue the momentum..

Anyway, thanks Dan and Louis, your posts have snapped me back in line. And ' moderation ' in recovery, a good line Dan! Need to also work on patience.. .

Louis, i'll drop you an email, would be good for a chin wag and a pint........

Time on my hands....

Offensive ego's Vs defensive ego's. Is where my thoughts are today and also with the infamous rock bottom.

I've always known with my self that im at my best when my back is against the wall and I need to fight. Many examples in my past, that I can pat myself on the back and be proud of. In the past, iv'e had a tendency to beat myself up with looking at the negatives and not giving my self credit for my achievements. The BIG negative obviously being gambling.

I understand the line " its ok to look back, but don't stare " to me that's akin in being in a running race as a kid, keep looking at the finishing line but be wary of your opponents, my opponent is addiction.

In 2006, I had a kiwi Mrs, and a house in London and NZ with a relative small combined mortgage. By 2010, I had pretty much f/A, no Mrs after 16 years and no pot to P***s in and a need for a settee here and there. My journey from them dark days has bern living with a purple woman in a nice leafy suburb to living with a friend and his Mrs, the most toxic surroundings I can think of, with there coke and self harm abuse, to living in the lost society of inner London, firstly with a hermit and then with a friend I've known for 40 years. Now since Saturday, I live in sleepy Kent town in my own little flat which I bought a year ago... I'm fortunate.

Despite that ascent, I still think about the spring board of rock bottom. I've never had it or really got it, even when I lost my hand 20 years back. Is that a good thing? I don't know?

I think back to Duncs and to others I've read on here and there brush with the darkest thought and permanent solution, and now understand there joy of everyday life... Deep down, that's concerned me, I don't want to find that spring board low. But my over thinking says that to achieve recovery over Abstaining, you need that low... I don't dwell on that anymore, I hovered at the bottom and use that as my springboard and now on upward curve.

After near on 40 years being enslaved by gambling and close to substance addiction, im now on a upward curve. I still f**k up, but that's being human and goes with the progress not perfection line.

Dans line about " the only thing he did in moderation was recovery " that tickled me. Despite a couple of slips in the last year, iv'e achieved alot and made lots of progress. I'm a good guy and happy with my reflection. My last environment, I was never 3 ft away from pot and possibly only walls away from cr.ack, smack, alchie s etc. This existence humbled me, but some how kept hold of my blue print values... Truthfully, im an advocate of pot, the commercial type and think for some it's good and never saw my self as a habitual smoker bur then saying that, it took me long enough to admit to myself that I was a gambling addict. Friends would say that speed rather than pot would be more beneficial to me as i'm nor fastest kid round the block....Either way, it doesn't matter, im now out of that environment... I'm fortunate.

Adictions keep us enslaved, abstinence gives us dreams, recovery gives us actions. Now, finally I have a very achievable aim and its not the pot of gold..

Sad news for me yesterday as I phoned to get 2 new hands. My prophesies is retiring and I've known him 20 odd years. He made it easy for me and I'm greatfull. Now back in the beauracracy S****e. Oh well, iv'e tackled harder...

Time on my hands.....

Hi paul

Just a quicky. Not sure I buy the rock bottom thing.

Obv there isn't a universal specific rock bottom. Could be suicide or nicking a fiver from your gran.

Thought maybe suicide a universal rock bottom but can think of worse things=harm to others. There's always lower!

For me RB two thirds of way through addiction. But this an rb in hindsight- no major incident just most deep/flighty/troubled

Maybe an advantage of rb is u have to face up to things more than if u 'sneak' through like I did?

Best
Louis

..obv ridiculous to 'wait' fot rb as this just another addict excuse

Not sure there's a springboard at rock-bottom. No quick fix, just hard work and taking more steps forward than back until things start to get better.

More likely to find a trapdoor at rock-bottom that's easy to fall through. Things can usually get worse. Not a term I'm too keen on 'rock-bottom'. Agreed, it'll be different from each person. I've done some 'sofa-surfing', slept under bridges, on a good night if I had enough energy left from lack of food, I'd gain access to some place with a stairwell to sleep.

Once had one pair of shoes - one of those had a hole in - was sleeping under a bridge and when I woke up I had a slug looking back at me from the toe of my shoe. I like slugs, it just seemed symbolic.

'Rock-bottom?' I haven't been there.

Gambling being the "BIG negative".

Why go back?

I'm guilty of thinking maybe I could have a small bet myself. It's early days for me. Ignoring my past that says otherwise, even if I could - it really isn't worth the risk of finding out.

Read your own post, you're a man on an upward curve, with an achievable aim and a successful track record of things to be proud of.

Agreed!

Things are looking good.

Congratulations on the new home, wishing it brings you happiness.