Dormant

Agreed All.

Rock bottom, I wasn't dwelling on it. Was just something random I read. It stemmed from something I read on alcoholism, where for some RB was needed to remove all choices.... Anyway, begone that not so nice topic.

I do believe in spirit though and how adversity can awaken it and become a blessing of some sorts in strengthening ones resolve. Hence the line ' recovery is a gift '.
When I lost my hand many moons ago, it wasn't just a hand it was more about losing my correar and at the time losing all my dreams/ life. It's easy getting in a mind set and thinking, ' I'm blessed and S****e I read in papers etc doesn't happen to me, then it does... So, the gift is the humbling of your nature and the realisation that in the grand scheme of things we're all just one but with a different pack of playing cards and it's how we play then...... A morning tangent im off on here!

I finished my contract yesterday, which wad good timing as added to the travelling. Fingers crossed I find out today about a meeting I had a week or so ago.

A busy day a head, in needing to get alot of things sorted for this new town I'm in. Have set up new Ltd company for work, have done it majority of my life but not for a good few years. I'm, like most people I imagine a bit fearful of HMRC. I received a 25k out of the blue tax bill 3 years back, which I use to use this diary to rant about. Anyway, after a battle, which I came out second best on, im now at 8k. So to be reading about the Panama papers, it just confirms everything I think about this corrupt western world...Corruption makes the world go round.

Saw a girl yesterday buy all the numbers of the scratch cards in a shop, she must have been a regular as shop keeper asked what numbers today. Agreed, it's b.s and gambling has us surrounded. Have never been a advocate of the broken triangle, but I feel for people where lottery cards were there poison as you can't exclude from everyday life. Did read about, putting the lottery tickets out of display like ciggies, but will never happen! Too much money in this gambling lark for the corrupt sharks.

Anyway I very rarely go off on tangents like that but a little bugged this morning, so, now out and about on dry land.....

Paul.

Fella I took the liberty of having a good night's sleep in our new bed before replying to your post yesterday.

I emulate greatly with what you wrote with regards recovery bringing joy to my life through what many folk would consider ordinary and I believe it for me is true that I rode so close to destructing the ability to do so today I can only be thankful for the opportunity recovery has presented.

With regards to rock bottom, I didn't get there because plain and simply if I did I would not be gifted the opportunity to write here today, rock bottom for me would be a place where you ran out of options, a place where you you would be condemned, it would be the curtain call.

I had gambled to the point where it became my soul purpose, I for went showering, I was disheveled, I had long stopped paying the bills, I lost the ability to think any purpose came from anything except gambling.

I tried to appear in control, I willingly lied,stole and manipulated to fund gambling.

I refused to admit that my life had become in any way unmanageable, I lived in total denial.

For me the most alarming thing was in tandem I went about the act of gambling itself with the same irrational approach

I would wage impossible, no highly improbable bets and I without doubt remember often willing myself to lose,to end the episode.

My wife often says that she believed that I appeared to want to create dire situations because I appeared most happy in life if I could manage the unmanageable, I would try to be the knight in shining armour.

Now that is a truly f****d up way of thinking, but I wholly relate to her analysis, because it is true.

So for me fella it was in my mind more a between a rock and a hard place.

Both end's of the spectrum wholly self created.

Until the day I admitted to another that I lived a life beyond my own control I moved from a self created pile to next because I did know the answer to everything and anything.

Today I am fully aware that it is ok to be wrong and it's ok to seek help.

Equally it's important that I stand up to be counted, because I know the resulting mind f**k I have if I don't.

As said progress not perfection.

I still hope to join you one day for a moments distant run.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Too right corruption makes the world go round, a sad truth.

Random thought - you spoke about ghost feelings in your hand, I have a metal knee but in constant pain as with my original knee, is this ghost pain??????? Now need a new hip, wish I could just click and collect new parts.

See you are out and about on dry land but always welcome to visit my watery life on the thames.

xxx

Had my knee for nearly four years and never improved so has made me wary of hip but at stage where no option now so fingers crossed as a nightmare getting over gangway on crutches, mind you if I had wooden leg would only need parrot ooo arrrrr.

DF, that is such a tough one.... and I'm guessing that your wooden leg joke is something you've considered... I feel for you...

Anyway.... Volcano, The most wanted man in England as I got a £80 fine for dropping f*g b**t. He'd watched too many TV shows as he got all righteous on me, im glad I've made someone's day!!!! Tw.at

TW.AT ?

The Wardens are terrific ?

Time will always tell ?

Noun , a womans ? or a person regarded as stupid or obnoxious , rhymes with Cardinalls Hat .

Oh yeah , got it now !

Sorry V just posted to myself again , Duuurrrrghh !

A CARROT...HA HA HA HA (roars with laughter) - BRILLIANT 🙂

Hi Paul

Moments like you described with your job interview, they come back and give us so much more than what we would think we would lose by being honest.

We can ride the wave out. Sometimes we are on the crest, other times we are on the beach watching it break and rolling back into the sea.

Always good to hear for you.

Rob

Morning Paul, thanks for the shout out. Yes, the pony and my daughter have been keeping me busy (it's still school holidays) but the reality is that I've been avoiding this place. Can't really explain why...it sets me off thinking too much I suppose. I know that I really should visit my diary, offload a bit and catch up but I'm just not feeling it. Every time I come on I'll read something that sets off a train of thought (this morning it's Louis and Rob's posts about honesty) and I'm back to thoughts swirling, questions raging and a whole lot of emotions stirred up that I'm not feeling like dealing with right now. God, if someone were telling me that I'd be saying that's exactly the reason why I should be addressing them! Lots of gambling thoughts (which are not unconnected to the avoidance I'm feeling) and the repeating question of will this S****e never end? which is seriously f*****g me off.

Sorry...that turned into a bit of a rant. Didn't realise how much was going on until I started to type. I was only coming on to say hi and good luck with the Whole 30. I'm going back to sticking my head in the sand.

LB x

A belated Thankyou Dan, for Mondays post.

I was going to go on the defensive, when I read it to be honest. I thought, shoot, what more changes do I need to make, as the last 6 months has been full on. And I can't recognise my self in a good way to the man I was 6 months ago!!!

And then yesterday's £80 hit for my f*g b**t misdemeanour, has turned out to be a relatively cheap lesson, and made me understand, Mondays post and also where I am.

Yesterday, I started on such a hung Ho, achieving day and was proud of myself with the list I was slowly ticking off. Then, when I got hit for the £80, I didn't get angry as such, I just, thought ' f**k it ', im going for a pint. The all so familiar feeling, when I was going for a punt or chase.

At this moment in time, im pretty happy with my life. Yes, sometimes sadness, lonely, down creeps in. But, that to me is just living. But, S****e is inevitable going to happen and it's the learning coping measures I need to work on.... not, just throw in the towel.

Now, I'm sat in the Dr's for a routine. My momentum, has been lost from yesterday and I was getting in a little tizz in how I was going to get my little jobs done. Now, apart from some little jobs, iv'e decided to regroup, cruise down the river, have a good feed and pretty much be good to me.

I have some plans for next week, I should be in new contract, but waiting for green light. Either way, im still focused in achieving the thresholds I want to cross in the next coupe of weeks...

A bit of a cyber detox needed, I think.....

My friends are now calling me The Kent 1, after my injustice..☺

The Revenant Kent 1

Random/ Rant alert.

Del boy Cameron.....No income tax, No Vat. The new star of only fools and horses.

New word... Meliorism..... A completely bizarre concept, along the lines that gambling will give us all we wish for.

I'm going to become a limbo dancer as left in limbo again.

I'm being good!

I really don't know where this following post is coming from and whether it's my present head funk. And whether tomorrow, im going to think, why the hell did I right that and where the hell was my head?

I guess, I need to look back at my last few posts and read them. But, I think theres a little bravado going on with me at the moment. And, there's lots of doubts about decisions im making and overall about myself..

I sometimes feel guilty writing on here and seeing people, come here broken and lost. I remember, when I first came to gamcare and the hopelessness I felt. I feel fortunate, yet rarely proud in the progress I've made these past 5 or so years! How can I feel proud, when I think back in the carnage I've caused in the past? Is that my bravado talking? Probably!

I can throw advice around this forum and to friends, but do I practice my own advice... Sometimes, I think! But, on the whole im trying to convince myself.

I've afforded myself some, albeit small, some choices! There you go, im fortunate again.

I'm only 5 days living in my new town and still feeling myself around. Truth is, I got this place, near on 15months ago. But preferred the lost society of the inner London Estate I was living on. I know, I need to give this place a chance and my short term plan is to keep it for another 15 months and then......... a few ideas, but not sure.

Truth is, im 49 and feel very much alone. I do have an array of friends, but there's only the odd one, where I would be completely honest and admit my feel of being lost. They, no doubt have there issues and the tough exterior of mine would never admit my worries of everyday life and vulnerabilities. I truth, I wouldn't want to hear there issues.

I'm handling external life pretty well at the moment. I'm articulating myself in humour or responses to questing and conversation better than I've done in a long time.

Maybe, just maybe as I write this, im going through withdrawal of my escape of zoning out on doob. Up untill February, I hadn't really had a glass of red for 3 months. Since then, I only bye it by the glass, bur that's sneaking back in. My regular beer intake, rarely goes to three pints, but now that's becoming a daily thing. It's a worry I push to the back of my head. Next Friday, I go on a long planned reunion with old work mates, and even though I'm very much looking forward to it, I know it will be full on. This weekend, I'll visit family and I know, it will most likely be also full on...Am I switching? Or thinking to much? In truth, a joint kept me off drinking. I would tend to go a few weeks having my glass of red and then a couple of pints and no joints, then I would switch it to a couple of weeks having a joint and no drink. The truth is, am I thinking to much about it and I'm just being a single man with no responsibility ' s as immediate family etc.

Monetary ways in my gambling days I didn't really, take or hurt someone. But, part of the guilt that rolls on is I did much worse than robbing money and that was robbing my ex of 16 years of her dreams.. I delivered her safely back to her kiwi town, family, house and money in the bank. But, that wasn't her dream and In a fashion I stole her dream and never gave her the opportunities every one should have...

Am I thinking too much? I like thinking, I like my imagination but on the other hand, im fearful of thinking and im fearful of my imagination.

During this post, I had a nice call from a friend. He knows me, just a little mind! He's getting some grief of a mutual aquaintance. And, yep, the aquaintance has progressively fell into the delusional substance addiction. .

Saturday week, is a test for me. I detox! But do I switch to herbal... time will tell...

A lal confused..

Hi Paul

Don't see why you should ever regret getting your thoughts down and it seems like a good honest post.

Hope you don't mind me making a few direct points.

Detox sounds like a good idea. Having been a habitual weed smoker from something like 12 years, I would caution against turning to it. I know everyone is different and I knew one or two people who seem to function well on it - but generally it's problematic, certainly for me and others I know. It's obvs very 'mindy' and in my case it fitted very well with my escapist and paranoid tendancies. It's also not very good for 'doing things'. I know you know all this. I think the occassional joint is actually a good thing - but with my 'tendancies' I've knocked it on the head for some time and I don't miss it TBH, even though I thought I would a lot.

If you're knocking that and alcohol on the head, it's going to have a significant change on your body. Hopefully you can notice that without getting aboard those urges (see chapter from the Happiness Trap on 'urge surfing'). You'll probably have a lot more energy, some of it nervous, as you're not surpressing it. Hopefully you can channel it.

With regard to your Kiwi-ex - it's nice that you are able to talk about your ex with such affection. I wouldn't be too guilty about her - sounds like you did the right thing by her and that she did well financially in the end and she's back in her homeland. She's got someone else and settled down. Relationships fail outside of gambling, obviously. These things happen.

Again, I apologise if this is too direct, but I wonder if you need closure from this previous relationship and need to move on? Maybe work towards a new relationship? I know your recent slip was pretty minor - but maybe your thinking you're not in the right place for a new one. That may or may not be the case - but even if you don't want a relationship immediately it could be something that you are working towards, actively, and using that as a motivation going forwards?

I know that people don't have to have a girlfriend/partner - I've got some v good friends who seem pretty happy without. But I guess most people are programmed to want one. At least you've got a pretty good 'pool' in London.

Hope you don't mind all this - might've been better in 3d chat but seeing as not poss thought i'd put down in words.

All the best

Louis

Thanks Louis....

Not to direct at all and appreciate your thoughts.

I do have closer with the ex. We went through two heavy life experiences together, that makes a bond. But, I always think I robbed her a little of her free spirit. That's what I'm trying to process. I like the choices being single affords me and really couldn't face having to compromise things, if ever I got into a relationship. I think living together apart with someone would be my cup of tea, if they lived in another country ☺

I hear you loud and clear on the herbs, I know I won't miss it and like/ enjoy myself more with out it! But that's when my beer intake increases. I need to be prepared Saturday week.

Truthfully the doubts creaping into my head, I know where they stem from and familiar with them from way back when. And there work related. In 20 odd years, my stint over Xmas, was really the longest time that I've struggled. It use to be a bit pick and choose or old contacts. Apart from last contract, they always ranged from 6 months to 4 years or so, im wary in jumping into the cycle of short term. Maybe next week's drink will open some doors, but the jobs on the go there, isn't the right time for what I have to offer. We all need to feel wanted and to have an aim, so it's only the 3rd day bur im in limbo... it will pass as I really think at the moment I'm thinking irrationally.

Anyway, sun's shining and tax man to call, and chase up particular job. ... and book to order.

Thanks Louis, have a good day