Dormant

Morning Paul.

It is what it is. Alone doesn't have to mean lonely. No words of wisdom from me...I don't have anything for you. I'm here though, if that helps, and you can always pull up a chair for some cyber coffee anytime. One thing though...a question (can't help it, I'm a nosey, pushy old bat)...what is it that's missing?

Got this going around in my head https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vye_tNZYL8

LB x

Hey mate

Well done for stepping through that mental barrier and going to GA. I know that'll have been a biggy so give yourself credit for stepping out there. Might take some acclimatising before it feels comfortable or 'clicks'.

Good to see you posting yr thoughts and feelings esp if things tricky at mo. Its what it's for, not a p1ssing competiton for how happy we are.

Best

Louis

Morning Paul

Good to have you back posting, I've seen you floating about but wasn't sure if you was or wasn't gambling.

Firstly well done on walking across the GA threshold not an easy step to take. At least now you can say you tried and it wasn't for you. Like Deano said maybe try another meeting I hope you don't give up on it, maybe it's just not the right time for you.

You have had a lot of changes in your life recently jobs moving area God knows how many Leeds managers. You seem to suggest your life is confused and I see that it's all a bit of a muddle you seem to be a bit in limbo. Have I made the right decisions, I would suggest you just bed to give it a bit of time to settle down.

I am sincerely happy to see an update from you would I have loved it if it said I had been completely gamble free love GA really happy in My new area.. Yes but that would be boring and after all we're all a work in progress.

KTF

I'm naturally quite staid and boring and happy in my comfort zone so feel free, Paul.

At the end of the day, it's what you do to help yourself that's going to keep you gf. Thoughts and intentions are all good but they don't go far enough in themselves.

Hope you stick with GA.

BW,

CW

Shame it isn't working out for you in Kent. Never seem to have settled there.

Know about no pain when gambling. Think the pain turned into the norm for me years ago. That's a problem.

If you're looking for what's missing you won't find it in the shadows.

It's too dark!

Step out.

There's a bird proverb made for you.

From somewhere in Northern Europe on the Scandinavian Peninsula.

I forget exactly where.

It doesn't matter.

"God gives every bird a worm, but he does not throw it into the nest."

Seems you know what you need to do, do it, but lack enthusiasm and end up going through the motions a bit. Credit that you keep trying when motivation is low.

Lacking something and filling the void with gambling maybe. Most of us are probably guilty of it.

Maybe you do need to migrate.

Just keep looking and find that worm!

Fantastic Glint, iv'e been thinking of you, kinda knowing just like me, that your not far away. I think we're both looking for that worm and slowly accepting that it doesn't even have to be juicy..

Thought on pain - there's 2 types, one we learn from and the other akin to a horse breaking his leg... ie the end..

Hi V,

I don't know what to say but since I'm here i want you to know that you're never on your own 😉
Ohhh..that come out right huh...but you know it's true.
Keep searching for what works for you, we all have that little grain waiting to grow to mighty Oaks...

And here is what ya needed to hear lol..but you get my drift even if i don't know where that came from 😉

Be kind to you and never stop fighting the good fight!

Ps. Keep posting, your thoughts aways makes so much sense & i like reading them!

S x

Hai Sandra, thanks, I know i'm not alone, my thoughts change from one day to the next. I wonder sometimes whether i come across as aloof, in cyber and real life. But it doesn't matter to me, apart from not wanring people feel uncomfortable around me, when its my thoughts filling my head space and on mute with my mouth. As when the mute button is switched off, i can articulate some good amusing thouhts in how i view the world. The mute button though regular occurance of mine, but something i'm ok with.

LB, your question about whats missing, i guess my hand for starters....... which is a joke. Feeling or wanting to belong some where i guess, yet not having a clue what the hell it is. I've probably moved 20 odd times in my life, sometimes overseas, around the country or backpacking around London. Yet, never finding somewhere that i want to commit to. I see others settle and wonder why i cant, as soon as i get somewhere, rather than making the most of it, i just start thinking, wheres next....

Deano, Martin, CW and Louis, Thanks again. Maybe i didnt articulate my GA experience very well. I witnessed first hand the comraderie and being around people who get it. Bur i found myself forcing myself to go rather than wanting. If that makes sense. Theres also something else - Arrogance! In 3d, no one would ever have me down as arrogant, a complete opposite to be honest, yet i found an elemant of arrogant thoughts with regard to the meetings. A big thing what bothers me, is when i hear someone say about 10/20 years of being in recovery. So my thought process goes to, i accept ive burnt my bridge with gambling, so rather than fight any obsessive thoughts, just go with em, and find healthier obsessions and use to my advantage.

As i write this, maybe there is a process going on. I know somewhere buried in this dfiary that ive had a big rant in how my addiction isnt an illness and any one to imply that is some c**t. But now i do accept that my mind is ill with ego thoughts, and in some way that im in some way unique and running to a machine, bookies and letting my addictive nature manifest into the not so primary addictions of smoking, drinking or work....

Accept the mind body axis, possibly the key for i. A arrogant crave of originanility, i need to let go off

Back to bed

Hi Paul

Just a few random thoughts I hope you don't mind me putting down.

I think all addicts have that arrogance - whether it's 'I can beat the system' or, as with me '- I'm gambling but I'm not like others/not an addict'.

You don't strike me as arrogant or ego led by character. This arrogance/ego when it comes to gambling issues is simply the addicted mind doing what it does very effectively - Giving you sneaky reasons to carry on. Giving you another out from committing to recovery.

I imagine that attending GA is like facing any challenging situation - it's all about the perspective that you take with you. Can you park that ego at the door and go in with a genuinely open mind?

Maybe there's an underlying frustration that there wasn't that automatic hallellujah moment when you first went there? I could imagine that would might be my reaction - 'f**k's sake - I've put myself out and I'm not getting the returns' , or even 'what's wrong with me..'

Seems that you're able to park the ego when posting here as youre a very good listener and communicator - takes a bit of practice in the 3d world of GA? Opening up, sharing vulnerabilities and keeping an open mind is always gona be harder in 3d.

That's also why sometimes you gotta give yourself credit for putting yourself out there as you did - in spite of tendancies to be self-criticial. Would've been easier to do f-all.

Best

Louis

Louis, I always thourouly enjoy your thoughts whether to be on your diary or others..

Arrogance - ' Only a addict can look down there nose at someone from the gutter '

I don't strike myself as arrogant or egotistical also.This following statement is the arrogance and will make some spit there tea out in laughter ' im confident in my abstinence '... . There you go, I said it!!

This year with many things, ice gone in with an open mind, with GA I went in with doubts and wondered whether it was the therapy I was after.

There's absolute nothing I feel I need to process about my past, I do feel closer to the present than I have ever been. Yet, the future now seems to be my new enemy, as I seek to halt the drift.

Also doing the best I've got everyday is something I need practicing on, as sometimes I think f**k it, I'll take a day off and get the manyana attitude...

Note to me - Paul, your making progress, you f****d your self for nigh on 40 years, things won't happen over night .. patience & belief

The only music vidoe i've ever been in, i star at 1min35 getting in a box.... Shoot, things dont change.

https://youtu.be/AWtCittJyr0

Random thoughts........... I like my space, I like my mind time, I like being alone.......... I like company, I like my mind to be proccupied with others thoughts, I'm not designed to be alone...... So, its balance i need to work on.

Two good friends this week, who both know me well and about my gambling have told me ( not preached ) straight that i need a life. I agree! The last 3 months of this particular contract has been the most bizarre of my working life, with a coke addict head boss and surrounded by the delusion chaos of a work environment. Is it progress to recognise, maybe? But, listening and seeing the addictive b.s, crept into my head with no barriers or defenses in place. Sleep for these past few months also being alien to me and left my self wide open, hence the isolation and weekendly purges back into the bookies and the slightly ramp up, off the not so primary addictions, beer and ciggies..........

Money as said many times, needs to be forgotten in recovery. I agree. But, its still important in this world we live in. Reuniting with values also important in recovery! And, this is something ive struggled with in this contract. I played a game, did what every one else did and took/ take the money and not really given a f***k about the job. This aint me, personal pride is important.

I get the sponsor bit. My ex was akin to a sponsor. I have a habit of going on a tangent with my thoughts. Need to work on this or stay close to the friends who'll call me a tw.at when im being one................

I'm still in my box............. https://youtu.be/guBsPkUkPQg

Arise - Sir Ian Jones

Arise - Sir Woy Hodgson.

Arise - Sir Trevor Bayliss

Putting the spring back in everyones step, the sport feel good factor

It really shounldnt bother me what others think of me, but i do! A human ailment, i guess for somebody not happy in there own skin. Bearing grudges is also something that shouldn't be part of my makeup and has no benefits but what so ever, but it does.

Witnessing the ego bullying last week comletely bugged me, i guess, as i also got the similar treatment in being referred to Prince Philip and of being a bully. The former amused me and the latter bugged me. Being bullied as a googly speaking kid and knowing i would get a bigger beating if i never fought back a big part of my make up. I guess in my time on this forum, theres always been two camps, the abstainers against the 12 stepper/ therapy types. With the former being the dominant force at the moment and all the rows/ insults alwys stemming from the same ego worshipped leader.... Shame, and sorry addiction and pushing down emotions a sorry excuse

But, then i think, another part of my denial coming out here, manipulation a worse form of bullying, than any physical bullying will ever be. The latter you can fight against, the former being nasty. So with manipulation being part of my make up and realising that, i've also, being part of my addictive makeup and inadvertently playing chess with peoples lives am also guilty of bullying, a hard thing to face and admit too.

I asked a friend about my recovery and whether i came across as aloof. They said if nything, that i wasnt but was guilty of not taking recovery serious and living of others recovery, originally, that got my denials back up....But, now i get it, my ego went off track, with my recovery of earlier in the year. Not, pushing my self hard enough and resting on my laurels..

An element of anger in this post, but slowly dawning on me, thats it the fronts, i'm fighting and not accepting in the environment i'm in at the moment. Completely run down, tired, angry, lonely and all being surpressed with no outlet, hence tis finger tappung post before i enter another day.

I voweed to myself to pull away, the ego and the pack, the winners. But, no winners, just strugglers and holding onto the addictive belief that we're alright. I read a honest, open post in the early hours this morning and i thank that man in his courage, that he had confused with cowardice. Has given me a belief and possibly a further nudge.

Now, to tick another day off and face my world.............

Downloaded and out but not finished...Over..

Mpral,ego and arrogance is something to shed, not to feed. A note to myself, to drop my bravado

Hey Paul

Read same post great post. Funny how when someone gives a very honest account of themselves it makes us reflect back on ourselves.

I gather you might be leaving this, at times frustrating, place. If so hoping you have other support channels in whatever form. Catch up soon

Louis