Dormant

Hi Paul

First time I check my diary in days and you deliver a timely post. The past few months have really been some kind of awakening from a lifelessness, that comes with its up and downs.

I am learning to take compliments so I will not be dismissing everything you said apart from clear of thought. It comes sometimes but just recently I have been very confused and the past 24 hours especially could send me back inwards and derail myself but I know I am worth more than that now.

I have a long way to go and dealing with honesty with myself and others is still a massive challange. If you read my update it will become less cryptic.

I have always felt a connection with you on these diaries, I have dropped admin an email to exchange contact details which I should of done weeks ago. Stay in touch.

Hi Paul

Hope this post finds you well. So I'm reading that you're thinking of moving away from Kent and back to London before heading up North (where is 'North'? I'm wanting to head North myself soon - Scotland ideally but would settle for getting as far as Yorkshire. I know you've got a pull for London but I don't, and I can't be R-sed living in a tiny one bed flat). I get the impression that parts of Kent might be a bit narrow minded for you? Not sure I read you say that or maybe I'm just projecting my own thoughts.

I stayed at a seaside BnB in Kent last year and the owner was really anti-immigrant to the extent it was like he was under nuclear attack. Was at Gillingham watching footie (for my sins) a few weeks ago - went to a boozer and this friendly guy starts chatting to me and my mate. Next thing he's going on how Bradford is a place full of f'ing ****** (you can guess). Weird, I think he thought he was making friendly chat, but really made me think that some of these places are so racist that it's just the norm - this guy was really taken aback when I said I wasn't happy with how he was talking. Mood got a bit awkward. There's a reason Farage and Carswell are so popular round there. I guess that's what happens when politicians scape goat immigrants for decades - blame immigrants for why their lives are she!te.

Anyway, bit of rant, not sure where I'm going, just wanted to say hi and check in with you (whilst abusing where you live, sorry!)

Louis

Them posts made me smile. Have had similar experiences Louis, so if your ever up for a banjo duel as like in the deliverance, I know just the place. Haven't noticed my cyber pal Glint much lately, hoping your still at a 8 and still on this remarkable turn around..I have faith there.

Random update...

Can still be guilty of petulance but it's at a minimum. Had a surpression of rage during the week, using drink to surpression but hai Ho, maybe not the best idea for an addict but worked for me at the time.

Have thought for years about someone telling me that I'll never be happy with my lot. Did tend to agree. Now, I'm seeing a slow process and appreciating more and more with what I have got. I now have a patience about putting one foot in front of the other and slowly working towards with being happy with my lot. Recovery has taught me that I don't need much.

I'm happy with my work and the grey matter is working well in dealing with the problems that seem to come thick and fast. Possibly not having a herbal cig since I started a good reason for this. Procrastination a friend of addiction and something i've mastered in my lifetime, is something I'm working on now and do tend still to worry about decisions I make, but learning to stick with them and work through them, whether it was the right decision or not. Changing jobs and moving on in a month the most recent..

I still greatly admire couples either side of the fence who battle through this addiction together. I use to think it was harder for a singleton, but now changed that view point.

Am happily single, miss the benefits sometimes but like myself more times than I don't. So progress there.

Have absolute no thoughts of gambling during the week, yet I let myself go with the flow of footie at weekends. Did get invited to a work jolly at Sandown the other week, with a envelope of gambling tokens as a gift, my boss knows and thanked him but refused. Would of been good day with good people but know where it would of led.

So, upshot is, im not doing cart wheels but happily ish with melancholy.

A drink coming up Louis and Rob..

Hi V,

Well..some changes on horizon for you too huh..fun fun fun right..☺

Good to see so much aknowledgement about your life on these pages. Weird or not - i feel similar (except the taste of herbal cig for a good while..it messes the brains up huh..why to bother?).
Hope you will keep accepting your lot..You're right - not much needed in this life. It was enough for me to pass a jogger on my route round da fields today & shared smile was priceless! How simple things works is unreal huh.

Hey...i hope ya haven't forgotten how important you are? Are ya still kind to your good self? Cherish yourself and looking after you? That's the main thing in my opinion...simply cause the rest just follows..the light human being able to shine can work wonders.

Never give up on urself...you simply don't know what miracles are round the corner!

One & only - tigger lol...

Rrrrraaarrrrr

I'm still on the turn, unfortunately it remains the down variety.

Had a few investments that went sour recently. Consequently had another data wipeout; few other times thought about posting but logging in felt like such an effort.

That's the general mood.

Motivation to do anything is at an all-time low.

Still 8.

The reason I write 8 ties in nicely with the appreciation aspect of your post.

I'm troubled, ill and struggling.

That said, I'm writing this on a smartphone with an internet connection and clean drinking water by my side.

Luxuries that over half of the world doesn't have access to.

It's worthwhile to take a moment each day to be grateful for everyone/thing we have in our lives and try to enjoy the present; while always being aware of the many less fortunate.

I have a chance, some do not.

On a global scale too many people are suffering for me to consider my current situation less than an 8.

Thought your post was more positive than random, and I know a random volcano post when I see (and struggle to understand) one. Your progression has been evident in the steady outpour of positivity from your recent posts.

Good to see you get your jig on.

Some nice hats on show in that video.

No cartwheels, but definitely a well-executed forward roll in the right direction.

Patience is something a lot of gambling addicts - certainly myself - really struggle with. That constant quest for that quick fix. Presumably a big part of the appeal of the FOBT's, slots, bingo, roulette and recent explosion of in-play betting.

If you remain patient, appreciate what you have around you, slowly work towards improving your life then it should become easier to be happy with your lot because there should steadily be more in your life to be happy about and appreciate.

Not easy to switch into that mindset. Quite possibly even harder for the mindset of a gambling addict.

Appreciate what you have volcano, that's important, but don't settle for less than you deserve.

Work towards taking out the 'ish' and make sure you move on from that melancholy.

You're much better than that.

Stay patient.

Prove that someone you mention wrong.

Glint - really liked that post - eloquent and full of substance. Great way to start off the nights reading.

Hi V,

Thanks for the post! Not sure you know where I'm relocating but saying that..i have a lil bird in mind (in the form of Rach lol) to enlighten you on the subject.

All is ok...staying put for now, some steps cannot be gigantic & i need to pace myself and my abilities for a change. Patience & time. All will work out well.

Hope you're well yourself & work is not too grinding!

Tk care

S x

Thank you for your post volcano.

Always good to read your thoughts and much appreciated.

Very true the importance of putting ourselves first. The better we look after ourselves, the better position we put ourselves in to help others.

I'm a bit more upbeat than I probably should be in my situation, at 8 reaching for 11.

Just don't know which direction I'm supposed to be reaching in.

Hi V,

Thank you for your words the other day. Yup, " the sun goes up & the sun goes down".
Everyday is different, but each and every one of them is worth fighting for! It kind of makes us stronger huh.

Hope all is well with you, you're staying on "the up" and looking ahead.

Stay safe & be you!

S x

Hi Paul,

Just being a pest. Lol! Doing my best to stay out of trouble today. Hope you are doing the same. -joanxx

I hesitate to ask, but what's been happening to you?

To paraphrase Deano, there are four pieces of advice to quit gambling: GA, counselling, broken triangle and telling your family. Most people in long term recovery do all four and always at least one of the first two.

You've known this for a long time, it's the small question of doing it. Effectively, by you, for you? Visiting the meeting address out of hours is fine but also needs to be done during hours? How else are you going to deal with the "!!!! it!" moments?

BW,

CW

Afternoon Paul , I've not come to have a go nor to apologise for last night's antics , I know youv'e had a problem with me and with the way I post for quite some time now , which Is why I believe weve not spoken for a good while . You feel that I'm a Bully and to be honest I'm not quite sure where that comes from , I've had run in's with people on here in the past just as you have and with me it usually ends on agreeing to disagree and then as with what happened with Joan we go our seperate ways and no longer post to each other by mutual consent , I had a run in with Sandra last year again resolved to our mutual satisfaction but we still post to each other occasionally , I think the only other person I really took issue with was Gambler Toad but that was after me supporting him constantly for many months on this forum , then only to dicsover that all he was interested in was extracting the urine from as many people as possible but that was another instance for only reasons that you know where you accused me of being the leader of some sort of pack that was out to hound him , even many many others felt the same towards him . not your exact words but along those lines ?.

How those incidents can then brand me as a bully in your eyes I don't really know and I do find it strange coming from someone like yourself who has also been banded a bully by more than one person on more than one occasion , on this forum ?.

I likewise don't understand the way your post are meant to be taken and I'm not being disrepectfull when I say that all I see are great quotes or words of wisdom from well known figures or links to youtube music but as we all know recovery is bespoke and your entitled to do as you wish also on this forum , the thing is Paul I have no problem with you and have no interest in interacting with you on this site which I guess again is why weve had no contact for many months , however if you wish to say something about me in future then please be good enough to post on my diary wher we can choose to discuss or ignore but also know that any further remarks left anywhere on the forum will be met with a response as is my right to reply , just as it was last night .

Maybe we just need to agree to disagree and have no further contact but I'll willingly leave that in your hands .

Despite what's happened and thye way things have turned sour between us , I wish you well in your recovery and in whatever form that takes .

Best wishes

Alan

Alan, Queensbury rules not a strength of mine. So apologies for a unnecessary sucker punch. And apologies extended to the members who bought decorum back to the forum after my spat.

CW, Thankyou again. I'm not on any kind of gambling rampage, I'm laying kinda low and putting my focus into my work at the moment. My gambling issues are fairly transparent with family/ friends but admittedly despite no thoughts during the week of gambling, I am walking on thin ice at weekends with the footy. I do know the drill and am grateful in the knowledge that I don't necessary have to hit a new low to get back onto recovery.

My ego has forgotten the pain I guess !!

Life is ok. I'm grateful

Paul , No apologies necessary , I was the same with my over the top reply , Maybe a trait of the gambler in me in that I still don't like to lose ? and definately something I need to work on .

I'll leave it there but your always welcome on my diary if you feel the need .

I wish you well and have a good day !

Alan .

Random HI - hope all is well in V's world!

Vrrroooommmmm....keep on keeping on!