Dormant

Afternoon paul

First off I was raised a Liverpool fan by my old man , Ian rush was my boy hood hero , as I come of age and started venturing out by my self I went to a wolves match they where's running away with the league and where up against Grimsby, wolves got absolutely hammered and I've felt sorry for them ever since lol

The name change is more a nod to my internal fight or flight mode I've been uneasy on the forum for quite a while , I often ask myself what's the point in me staying around , but that's me in flight mode in fight I see how much the forum has helped me on my journey, I've never had or been able to go long distances without a bet of some kind , so if I cut and run I'd be on my own again, and that's what addiction wants I guess? The challenge I decided to take up as I knew it would keep me here past my first year, hopefully I'll know which direction my recovery will be taking by then.

Now as for the sm being failed chippies I think you hit the nail on the head , most brickies that change to the tie go on to become contracts managers that way the chippies stay where they belong in our shadow,

I read that you've just finished your contract in the country side what's the plan going forward?

I read you're taking a break for a while but you know what they say make hay whilst the sun shines

Peace out and take it easy brother

Enjoy the well earned time off volcano. Expect that this will mean more posts from you on the forum. Usually have a read of the forum after work - one of life's simple pleasures I'm grateful for - always good to see your name popping up.

Thank you for your very kind offer. I really appreciate it. I am a big reader - here's an exclusive titbit for you my Leeds loving amigo: I live a minimalist lifestyle. I try to own as little as possible. Never like to over use any resources just because I can, always handy if I find myself homeless again and have always wanted to be sure that should I suddenly die I wouldn't burden my girlfriend with the added stress of clearing a load of possessions.

Did read and recycle, now I have a smartphone I can download books. Haven't read for a few days: too stressed to concentrate (it happens), currently reading something written a long time ago with a philosophical edge that is proving to be challenging for me. Didn't have much education, regret that and try my best to make up for it now.

Next book on my reading list is a children's book that I'm really looking forward to reading - The One and Only Ivan by Katherine Applegate. The epigraph has a quote from George Eliot (who's life and work is well worth a read): "It is never too late to be what you might have been."

Strong quote, not sure I believe it, maybe best I find out if it's true for myself.

Here's a great trailer for the book:
https://youtu.be/UtPdqV2crQ0

There's a book on nature's evolution of intelligence I think could be interesting and want to have a look at a little known superhero series called 'Irredeemable', about a hero who loses his faith and turns on the world he once saved. Think it's a fable about the dangers of giving one man too much power. Has potential.

Like a broad range of reading. Thought I'd share my foreseeable reading plans. Lots to read. Any recommendations from yourself I will be sure to be having a good look at.

Like when Louis recommended The Happiness Trap. I can download samples on my smartphone. The goodreads website is an excellent source. Have quotes, reviews and lists of similar literature. No ACT list yet but The Happiness Trap does feature on about 16 lists I think. A goodreads list led me to The One and Only Ivan.

Thank you very much for your kind offer volcano but I obsessively keep my possessions to a minimum. Any recommendations would be gratefully received and sure to be looked at - be interesting to know what stimulates your mind.

Didn't know a thing about Saxons/Normans. Had a look; something learned today courtesy of volcano. Thank you.

Not comfortable revealing where I live...yet.

I will narrow it down by saying that I have never been to Surrey. Always thought Surrey was a place where the rich people went to live - that might be Dubai. Easy to get those two mixed-up.

I'm not happy where I live; doesn't feel like home. Environment definitely has an impact on me. As a fellow drifter you will understand and something that we have touched upon before.

I have taken your good advice and found the best outlet I could think of to try and release some stress. Something I really didn't plan on doing at all until I read your post. Don't feel better or worse for it thus far, but at least I have done something to try to help myself.

"Stress is either to early or to late." I like that. Very true.

One post from you has provided a welcome distraction, led me to share my stress, got me writing, communicating and given me a much needed history lesson.

Thank you volcano.

' Didn't have much education, regret that and try my best to make up for it now. '

Hai Glint. The 2 smartest people I've ever met have also never had the best education.

The most silliest of people I've ever met, bordering in dumb and dumber have the long words and the education.

Keep pushing through the S****e

Firstly, not sure if you count days or if my mathematics are accurate: I make it 100 days since you last gambled - well done!

Henry Rollins is a big Hubert Selby Jr fan. His books have always looked just way too dark for me.

They might give me night terrors volcano.

However, I find it interesting that two interesting minds are both independently recommending Hubert Selby Jr - has to be worth a closer look. The only Hubert Selby Jr book I think I could read is Requiem for a Dream. It is good to challenge myself on a literature level from time to time.

Requiem for a Dream is now waiting to be read on my phone, just had a look at the preface and first sentence.

The preface is good. Always liked the fine art of a good opening sentence; really didn't like the opening sentence of Requiem for a Dream. Don't necessarily have to like the content to appreciate a good writer though.

I'd be hard-pushed to think of any writer who wrote more beautifully with creative imagery than Angela Carter. A fine novelist who wrote undoubtedly excellent flamboyant fantasy. Much as I admire the writing; the novels have tended to just push things a bit too far for me to ever be at ease with them.

Had seen you mention Gabor MatГ© on another thread. Few months ago read a wide range of addiction material, nothing from Gabor MatГ©. Thank you for the suggestion, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts looks interesting and is on my reading list.

Trust all is well and the time off has been spent productively. Always good to see you posting. Enjoyed the link on another thread. Well presented. Did read about the Rat Park study last year. Like to see forward-thinking and new ideas. How we progress, whether it be in addition treatment, medicine, science or life.

Wishing you well, and just so you know: I don't give a rat's park how much you like Houdini, you won't be escaping my support volcano.

Hai Glint, always chuffed to recieve a post from you but never sure where to respond to you so here goes on this diary.

I'm sure your maths would be correct but unfortunately for me, my gambling abstination isnt as good as your maths. But this time i believe a lesson learned, with which i'll get around too.

I will with curiosity look at the writers you've mentioned above. Thanks! I tend to be a binge reader and have a mind freeze when trying to force a read, hence will go through pages and pages and get half way through and wonder what the hell and where have i been for the previous 100 or so pages.

My favourite pal has put me onto Timothy Leary of late, not read any books but some great youtube clips, this then led me to Neil Tyson and have become a little bit obsessed there in reading about him, listening to his logic on youtube. On more of a possibly irrelevant note but has left me pondering is about having a conversation recently with my pal with regards to all the traps what are out there. My pal has 2 young children of 2&6, he's a clever chap who's never been sucked into a 'brain wash' addiction and steering his kids very well, he was describing how he got all the paper and paint out one sunday avo and asked his kids to paint anything they want, the youngest jumped straight in and came up with an abstract master piece, yet his smart school going youngster, scatched his head and eventually came up with the Sun and some grass. So my pals conclusion was that his lad was slowly being brainwashed and was learing how to lose his creativity.......Not sure whether you'll see where i went with that but did make me think and how addictions close our mind so much.... Hence re(dis)covery is about opening our minds and not just dismissing something that we dont understand.

So Diary, going back to my gambling binge 2 weeks ago. I have a fairly calm facade and tend to have a delayed reaction to things, sometimes my release manifests into an explosion of sorts on the lower level of a richter scale or sometimes the explosion emotion maifests into an act of avoidance into the arms of mainly the FOBT. 2 weeks ago, i heard some not so good news. I didnt really bat an eyelid and the convo didnt go on long, the next day it didnt even appear in my conciousness, then after my visit ended i found my zombified sub concious at work doing my bollxxx in a machine. I was avoiding an uncomfortable emotion and my auto pilot was taking refuge into my programming.... A lesson to reinforce my beliefs what addictions are about and prompted me to take bigger steps in tackling things. Now hooked up with a addiction/ pychdynamic type therapist who comes across as hard and to the point and turns/ prompts me into some tough uncomfortable directions and also in talks with someone an addict in recovery who chairs peer support groups. ...... We will see, eyes slowly widening again....

Anyway, my break is over, now back on the work trail. Need to get a work ticket, which has proved a problem to get as my picture i.d's have either been mislayed or ran out and having to deal with other clouded minds that im not a f*****g alien.... hopefully today that will get sorted as work is on the horozon, but futile with out the ticket...................................

Wellbeeing - Whether its mind, body or soul are things i dont get, especially the last one. I nned to get in sync - Thoughts for today

A new random word learned today.......... ....existentialism. And if im reading it right i think this ia an appropiate label for people in re(dis)covery...

Ha ! Ha ! Paul ! , I actually laughed out loud as wrote those word's " A random thought " this morning and wondered was I turning into " Volcano " :)) but with no disrepect intended I think I have a way to go yet ? :)) ,

It's good to hear from you and many thanks for your message before my op , I hope things are as well as they can be in your world and look forward to your in depth analysis of my thought's anytime soon , Just one request , do it in a way I can understand :))) .

Take care Paul and talk to you soon .

I

Thanks for your post. I loved the joke. Reminded me of my Dad as it was one of his favourites. Things are good here. I want to write a proper reply but I'm heading out the door to take my daughter out for her birthday. So this is just an i.o.u. In the words of Arnie, "I'll be back"

Hi Paul ,

Thanks for your response, the kind words and your thoughts and also In away even I could understand :))

I think your spot on in what you say and said in so many words the same to Kelly this morning . I felt far safer in a world I'd become comfy with , however bad it got and however it made me behave and the thought of giving all that up for a better life scared the bejesus out of me , It's like I'd become so programmed to accept that way of life as the only way , it didn't matter to me it was so ugly . Maybe it is all just about letting go instead of clinging on to what is or was and allowing nature to do it's thing and begin again ?.

I'm sure it's not as easy as that but it's a nice prospect , It's also nice to agree with you for once when exchanging views but I feel the girls are right in the fact that kit is a bit deep for me , I've not been known around these parts for Depth but there again I've never been afforded the luxury of time on this grand scale before , so maybe a new chapters unfolding :)) .

Stay well Paul :))

Your Old Sparring partner :))

Thanks Alan.

I went to a peer support group today and i wanted to share something iv'e only felt rare times in my life. The group centred more on alcoholism and drug use. I was put onto this group via a therapists iv'e just started seeing. I'm not completely sold on the following statement but they are 2 things that i dont believe are an issue for me but i went with an open mind with regards to alcohol, its been decades apart from the random time since iv'e dabbled on the powder or pills. My drinking would be classed on the unhealthy side, i admit that. So reigning my self in on something which is ingrained in our culture was my reasoning to attend. I had the usual debate within my head as i approached whether to go or not but hai ho, it was a promise i made my self and was determined to do. I wasn't sure how i would be recieved when telling that it was gambling that was my main driver and i was here as a fellow addict and also to ask the question of my self with regard to alcohol ?

Truthfully initially i had an internal battle with my self to start with and struggled to keep an open mind as i listened to the initial shares. I looked round the room and weighed people up. The first few shares never really grabbed me as i heard a lot of the denial or justification with which i've bleated many times before. Then a lady talked, a school teacher of 23 years and now homeless, i noticed all her bags sat in the corner of the room, she shared how the latest relapse had helped to put her on the street, she also spoke how she was going to other support groups or similar and this i gathered was also an aid to keep her off the street and some where warm and welcoming. My ears pricked up as i could she the torture she was going through but also the matter of factness in how she spoke. I was shook to the core like no other time i can remember. She finished her story in describing her first night of her latest homelessness about taking refuge in a Mc'd's which stayed open untill 3 am and her intention to just walk after closing time when it was time to go, untill a young couple approched when seeing her in tears and ended up putting her up in a travel lodge inclusive of breakfast..........Truely powerful stuff!

My share followed, despite really not wanting too. My emotions got the better of me but managed to articulate some thoughts...

But, something happened and i get something with what i've listened to today and also appreciate what iv'e got and the depth addictions can do to people...

Ouch 🙁

Long day for you Paul...Hopefully a light bulb moment in there somewhere! Well done getting a share out & good to see you wading out of your comfort zone & getting outside support 🙂

Have to agree with you on Alan's random but English mustard with ribs, are you crazy? They're called BBQ ribs for a reason surely ;-0

Morning Paul :))

I read your post last night but it was abit late to respond as the painkillers were kicking in but reading through it this morning I'm really pleased you went through with your planned visit and pushed yourself to go in that room , I tghink that in itself is a massive step for you and you should be proud .

Another sad story regarding the young teacher and as you know My eldest is a young teacher herself , so it could so easily have been her story which hits home even harder , such a waste of a young life and of the ability and talent that life holds , which only goes to show what we know , that addiction in whatever form has no demographic and no interest in who it takes hold of .

Have a peacefull Sunday Paul and thanks for the share :))

Odaat, its only my cereal i dont have mustard on so we'll have to disagree on that.

Alan, she was actually a ex teacher with 23 years service, probably my age but sadly her facade showing the life she had succumbed to. Thats where gambling addiction is a lot slyer, the torture ravages the mind and may show up in the eyes but doesnt necessary show else where. So, none the less ALL addictions are C***s.....

I had 2 pints yesterday, i used the pub to do some home work, ie bills and for new job i start on Monday, the story's i heard stopped me having a 3rd, so, albeit small i took something out of it.

Iv'e also learned something this past few weeks. My past 8 months, iv'e worked and lived in a sleepy surrey village and enjoyed it. On my weekend trips back to Kent, i psyched myself out in returning to an environment i didnt really like and used gambling, drinking or doob as an escape. I've realised theres not really anything really wrong with te place but more my narrow mindedness and thar Kent has some great places and great people. Town centres can be the same nationwide, just like inner city train stations i guess.

Anyway, new job takes me back to Surrey and thats where im heading later..... so, ironing to do and s***t to sort....

Think I see the painting point.

I'd consider my mind always open and active. I'd see gambling addiction as more consuming my mind rather than closing it. Addition consuming both my creativity and vitality. Maybe the consumption does lead to a temporary closure of the mind.

I see your comparison as being possible to be mentally a prisoner of the education system, where the only focus can be on passing exams at the cost of any free original thought akin to being a prisoner of addiction - only focus feeding.

To be so focused on one objective that our minds are closed to caring about anything else - even consequences.

I'm assuming based on the 'brainwashed' idea that your pal considers school a place where children are told what to do, when to do it, 'learning' to pass exams by remembering and repeating what the state dictates stifling their freedom and creativity.

If that's your pals opinion he might expect to start seeing his child lose creativity. This could be a case of confirmation bias.

A blank page offers unlimited freedom to create.

Creativity can be found in simplicity and there's a real beauty in that.

The child might have wanted to take a simple concept and make it creative. Scratching his head to think of how he could create something meaningful from the simple idea, doing so perhaps using dynamic brushwork or some striking colours.

Don't dismiss something we don't understand and understand something before we dismiss it based on preconceptions.

Admittedly over-analytical: there are a number of ways to interpret that story. Could be seen as either one of the children, both or neither are being creative.

Good on you for trying pychodynamic type therapy. Wish you well with it. That's something new to me that I have never heard of before or seen on the forum.

Be good to read about how it goes. Be patient, give it time and keep at it.

Which brings me nicely onto existentialism. I'm up on my existentialism being a bit of a scholar of philosophy.

How can ideas about our understanding of life not be interesting?

I'll share with you a relevant quote from my personal favourite philosophical theory.

I have some classic Swedishproverbism for you: "The waiting man gets the wind behind him."

That's a good one.

Although, I think 'patient' is a better word than 'waiting'.

Really good progress, trying new things and great posts from you volcano. I have been equally impressed and enthralled.

Good job volcano and all the best with the new one.