Easy does it!

Evening

Looks like it is your turn to go through the mill this week. So many times you have discussed living life on life's terms . When we behave as normal people do, it is alien to us. Every one gets angry ,sometimes they have a reason sometimes they just got out of the bed on the wrong side. It may last an hour, a day a week.

This is just how people are, they just get on with it and come out the other side. For us it then throws up so many different things, because we have never had to deal with it. Just used gambling as a way to escape and then got angrier and used more gambling.

It is great that you can vent on here, I know that you are not really looking for answers from us, that you just write it down as it helps.

I hope it has subsided some what tomorrow. It is just another step forward in your recovery.

take care

Dusty

Thanks for replies it means alot to know I am not alone in this. I have a stack of things to be thankful for so i need to concentrate on this instead.

I booked my mother a flight to come and stay with us for a week. Usually it is only a few days. My father, inthe background of the phone con, is giving orders regarding what time the flights should go so he can get through without traffic etc. I said if you get to our airport at 10:00 in morning you'll have to sit around for hours until one of us finish work. That's OK she says knowing full well we wouldn't let her do that. It appears we all run round after my father to accomadate him. My daughter is 5 years old and he has only seen her twice since she was born. He was the alcoholic as I was growing up as a child and I swore I would never be like him! I was a sitting duck. I learned to lie and hide and cover things up at a very early age. To the outside world our family did not have a problem because we were expert liars. Now I try to speak to my mother regarding this and she says it wasn't that bad. I have so much anger towards her and in turn to my father. I have been to counselling and can deal with it but it is tough. It is in my rucksack and I have to deal with it. I am just taking today and doing my best. It will be an interesting week as I clash with her and my wife says try and be more tollerant. I'll give it another go this time round. She's not coming for a few weeks so will try not to wind myself up. My father doesn't want her there and is glad to get rid of her for a week. Trouble is she is very good at playing the victim. Last time she was here you would have thought she was dying as she stayed on settee all day every day. My wife was concerned. I told my wife it was total bullsh*t. I guess whilst my family are still in denial there will be no moving forward for them. It isn't really my business. That is why I went to States a few years ago and now live 500 miles from them. I tried to blame work with my inner thoughts but on the whole it is my family. It is funny as I have always been embarassed by them and I on't know why. I have always thought I was better than them. Not a nice thing to say but true. Feel better for writing this down. Today is most important and tomorrow hasn't arrived so here goes!

My wife just going out the door asked if everything is alright. I must be giving off that vibe!

Take care

Hi

So much of what you wrote could have been written by me. My mum was the alcoholic, and suffered serious mental problems. This was never discussed in the house, she spent years on the settee. It was years latter that I worked out just how ill she was.

Like your upbringing it was all hidden from the outside world, my mum was always too concerned about what other people would think about us, so the image we needed to portray was very different to the reality.

I like you swore that I would not be that person. To this day I still fight on a daily basis not to be that person.

I am not angry with them, my dad is one hell of a guy, I have nothing but the upmost respect for him and at times aspire to have his level headed approach to life.

I just wrote this, as you mentioned that you felt at times we were on the same wavelength, maybe all this is part of the reason why

Take care, focus on today, try to worry about tomorrow when it comes.

Dusty

hi Smiiler.....what a brilliant post....identify so much with all you say...Alcoholism,the family disease of denial..everyone playing their part.

I carry the role of blacksheep....the one who names and labels and who expresses the taboo emotions that are hidden like anger and can see all the projections going on.Carried this role in exes family too in the end!!

Understand that "vibe" too..my friends call it the Flywheel..they can detect it whirring..

In our family as we were financially ok the damage was minimised when in fact with no financial consequence the disease was more hidden and pushed under.

Emotional neglect spoken of here too and know that one..when main caregiver aligns with aggressor..who"s protecting you?

On subject of others reactions..guilt plays a big part in keeping things minimised ..if out in the open then responsibilities have to be taken..

Someone once likened people to garments saying in some you can unpick a few stitches and resew the garment back together....whereas in others unpicking a few stitches means the whole garment falls to pieces....A psychic collapse...

For some the whole foundation of their identity and phsyche is built on what they have believed to this point and to have that disturbed could bring the whole lot down.

For some people denial is total survival mechanism but it does come out in other ways..like physical illness,dreams,behaviour that doesn't match like a split personality or regression into childish behaviour.

(thats just a sample of people in my family!)

Anyone entering into recovery as we all have has a psyche that wants change and are unlikely to collapse as we are all survivors of some sort or another. We want light to be shone on our darkness and for it to be exposed and healed...

We are tougher than we think..

take care..keep posting Smiler...keep strong ...what you percieve is right...you know it...so many of us feel the same way and never have met...coincidence? I don't think so....we see the truth. x

Thanks for replies!

I am now in the territory where I would normally gamble, only this time round I have got it by the throat and recognise it. I am living it and feeling it and getting acquinted with it. I have ben here before with alcohol so I know those feelings etc that go along with the addiction pulling at me. It will subside, of that I'm sure, and I'll be that wee bit stronger for the experience.

Thanks again

Anger has subsided. I met it head on and it didn't frighten me as much as it used to. I mulled it over for a time and lived and felt it for a long time. That was yesterday and yesterday has gone. Today is a new day and I feel on top of things again.

Take care and thanks for listening

great news Smiler....onwards and upwards ..R and D

Hiya Smiler,

Great to hear you have worked through and come out the other side...I know myself when I get through times like that it makes me feel I can do anything! I hope you are having a lovely day.

Love Del x

Back on treadmill of work but I do enjoy it so not too bad. My wife has asked me to scale down and we are making plans for April time. Until then concentrate on getting debts down. I am a whisker away from sorting two big ones and putting them to bed. The cash is in te bank and just needs to be transferred. No chance of me touching that cash at all. For some reason I feel uneasy and i think it is because I like to be under immense presure. Hopefully I'll like not being under stress and will take it easier. With Spring round the corner I am feeling upbeat. Yesterday was proof that as CGs we can, one day at a time, get through anything. Take care

Evening

So glad to hear you turned things around quickly and feel a bit better about things.

Take care,

Dusty

I feel totally different today. I was in a terrible mood a couple of days ago but now it has subsided. I am better for going through this phase as I now know i can handle it again. Hopefully next time it won't be as intensive. Thanks again and take care

Great to hear you sounding upbeat again! you can't keep a good man down for long 😉

Take care,

f x

Just a bit worried of late as I am growing further away from this forum. I have seen it and experienced it before and before we know where we are we are back in the bookies. My thoughts are never far away from this site but I feel I have very little to write about. Not sure where I'm going with this. I just have to keep going and hopefully find a better place. I am fully aware of what I'm going through and know the pitfalls. I still check on here every night but don't have the same vigour for posting. It is a catch 22 and I need to be aware of what I'm going through. It might be because my debts are under control and the demons are at work. I'll keep it easy and watch out as all safeguards are in place so I don't have to hit the emergency button. Hopefully I'll pick up and start posting like mad as before. Strange times ahead I guess. I'll force myself to post every day and se how it goes.

Take care

Morning,

I totally get what you are saying. When you have been on this site for a while it can be a real struggle to find things to write. Even posting on other peoples thread it can feel like a rehash of what I have written before.

Maybe it is the demonds at work, or maybe it is just the above. I read and sometimes feel I should answer to support that person but words fail me.

It frightens me where I might end up if I stop posting, so I will continue .

Hope you have a great weekend, and get to relax

Dusty

It's funny how my thinking changes. I have read on here, lots of times, that people gambled because they wanted to get out of debt and money worries etc. I would have never agreed with this as I thought I gambled to escape and maybe I did. However as my debts are getting to manageable amounts I am now less stressed and really don't think I will gamble. I know there are lots of variables that cause me to think like this. I just have to be careful and hopefully all will be revealed in due course. Take care