Easy does it!

Hiya Smiler...

caching up on reading and will be seeing how you are doing now im back from the land of pasta...

Still supporting us all on this forum and a real asset to us all.

unpacking rucksack...Literally!......even I have started watching the football x

Rach xxx

Hiya Smiler,

Just popping into say hiya 🙂 glad to see all is going good, great post on 15th June.

Love Del xo

Been in a reflective mood of late and thinking of the past sure brings up lots of issues. Best left in the past but hard to do so. Trying to empty the metaphoric rucksack for some reason. Recovery doesn't come in an instant it takes time. Thus far I'm getting there albeit slowly but there is no time limit. My problem is that nothing is good enough. If someone was to give me the top brick off the chimney it would not have been enough. Need to accept the way things are. I could have done so much better in my life but I didn't (fact) accept it and move on. Can I do something about this I think I can. Am I scared to do something possibly. So here I am left living with me as sparring partner. My wife would never understand and lets me just move forward at my own pace. Too high expectations and yet unwilling to do it is my problem. Still, no gambling so that's a plus on the other hand recovery needs to be better! Take care

Good morning,

What a very rotten day it is outside today.

I was reading your post, and thinking how it relates me. (seeing as we are twins lol)

I have always given 120 % at every thing I do, but always fall short in the meeting my own standards.

In work for instances , I am mentoring six managers as part of succession planning for the business. I believe in time they will be far better managers than me. When my boss tells me that is not the case , I do not believe him.I still manage to find almost rejoice in finding fault in myself.

I do the same outside work, I believe my sister is the most fabulous person on this earth and love her dearly, but see myself as half the women she is.

My father would tell you differently.

I have always been like that, worked hard to prove myself but never accepted it is good enough.

I do not hold regrets that I could of achieved more in my life, because I do not think I could have. My parents believed that out of the four children I have gone much further up the ladder than anyone expected.

(although their expectation for me were lower than my siblings)

But I am still I'll at ease, still unhappy that I am not as good as the next person. I measure myself against other people all the time, which is a really unproductive thing to do. Because the image I have of me in my mind is distaughted and cracked so it will never measure up to my idea of who I wished I was.

Everyday I search for the good things about my self , in a bid to turn this all round. Slowly very slowly I am managing to do it.

Hope you do not mind my long post about myself lol

Was going to copy and paste on to my own , but changed my mind.

Like the saying you wrote on my diary,

Abstain and maintain

You take care and try not to beat yourself tooo much.

I know easier said than done, but try anyway.

Dusty xxxxx

Patience is the key word in these recovery journeys of ours. I have gone from a 30 year/10,000 odd day countdown to less than 200 days and it still seems like a long, long time away from freedom for me.

Having said this, I use the word 'freedom' loosely. Us CGs will never have this problem of urges go away.

What really matters is that at present, we are gamble free and that is simply all we can do.

And you are staying gamble free.

NT

Hi Smiler, thank u 4 ur continued support, it means alot.

Wot u say makes alot of sense... so thanks 🙂

I hope u r having a gr8 wknd 🙂

I will second that! you are a wise old bean ; )

Take care,

Fx

Thanks 4 the advice last week yep definitely good advice

your stil bet free smiler thats the main thing and thats a big achievement in itself 4 a cg.

Dont be to hard on yourself i also have under achieved in my life but i try to say the serenity prayer and leave the past in the past

Thanks for the reminder Ronnie!

The Serenity Prayer was one of my main tools in my early days. I should go back to basics and keep it simple. Thanks for the responses. Just taking it easy as I'm away Sunday for a lovely holiday and so looking forward to spending quality time with my family. I used to think to myself how am I supposed to react to situations like being on holiday and then would report back later that I enjoyed it when truth be known I wasn't there in spirit just body. Now I try to enjoy the moment whatever it brings!

Take care

Been a long day, in fact a long week. Like any CG I want everything right now. Going away on hols Sunday and I'm impatient for it to come round. This in turn leads to my stinking thinking and thus makes me want to gamble. I am excluded from everywhere in a good radius so no chance of gambling happening. I need to be careful though as I have been in a good space before and it goes wrong. This time is different I use this forum to my advantage and don't stry too far. I wish I could flick a switch and everything is fixed, unfortunately it doesn't work like that so I have to accept who and what I am today. A compulsive gambler! However the good news is that now I know my faults I can work on them albeit slowly. I am in no rush to say I have beaten gambling I just live with it and know where it is at all times. Take care

Today I wanted to gamble! I was driving along thinking to myself if i have a bet today I might win big and that would be nice to go on holiday with. If I lose I could cover up loses with holiday money! So I'm in a win/win situation. As I'm self excluded from all local bookies I had no chance of getting anywhere. I am now sitting here thinking about the devastation that gambling would have caused. The demon rises but I quash it. It is still there as gambling is what I do best. The demons told me if I lost I would not chase as I'm away on holiday and no access to bookies. If I gambled today I would have spent my holidays thinking about getting back just to have a bet. This demon is still lurking but I have it in my sights and keeping it firmly where it belongs. I am so glad I had the courage to self exclude and for anyone that is serious about this addiction get it done. I am in a safe place now and reflecting on another day away from the madness! I'll never beat it but I'll keep it at bay one day at a time!

Take care

Reading there wot happened you yesterday just proves how cute and sneaky are dis ease isbut great to hear you continued to arrest it minute by minute yesterday.

Have a great holiday smiler with peace of mind your still bet free a day at a time

take care

Hi,

Can sooooo relate to your last post. But then as you have said many a time our journey tends to run parallel to each others ( as I am sure it does countless others )

Think we are both in a place when we know that how far down this road we travel , that the inner voice will come from nowhere , to try to convince us that we can have that controlled bet.

Obviously I am really pleased that you rationalised the situation and your strength out weighed that of the addiction.But what shone through for me was the matter of fact way you dealt with it,and the aftermath of your feelings afterwards.

You have given no indication that you are upset or downtrodden at having that urge . This it is what it is and that you have said so many times that it is not about beating this addiction it is about living your life along side it. We have always discussed is this possible, yesterday you proved that for yesterday it was.

I do not know if you will get this before your holiday, but know that I hope you have a great time and get to relax .

Take care and have fun!

Dusty xxxx

As Duncan says moving forward never back. Thanks DF. Today is a new day and been to a 6 yr old's party. Packing done, something to eat this afternoon/evening. Off in te morning. Can't wait.

Take care

Just read through your diary and it was very helpful, a lot of things you said/do/think I can definitely relate to. The over thinking, high expectations - Im always thinking I've wasted my life up until now and haven't done all I could. I'm seeing that without gambling we can slowly unleash our potential and get so much more out of life.

Self exclusion has saved me a few times, your right it's a must, if your serious there is no excuse. But I will say I understand what people say - I wanna beat it on my own etc as that was me. This is the first year that I've self excluded from every near by haunt. I used to say I'd beat it on my own, so wouldn't exclude, then I'd just exclude from one or two - just leaving doors open. I now know how much self exclusion can help through the down days. So as you say new readers get to the bookies and exclude it will really aid your recovery.

Sorry gone on a bit there. But thanks for sharing your journey. It always helps me realise why I'm here when i read through a diary and also because of your great success in recovery it reminds me that it can be done.

Keep living your life and enjoy your life. Thanks again.