Every Day Is A Second Chance

Phew...first normal day after all the christmas and new year celebrations. Everyone's now back to school/work, and the house is calm again. I've been popping on and reading people's diaries and I've got to say I get a genuinely good feeling when I read that people are doing well and making progress. Last time I posted, Dan and Sandra had left, but today they are back....Happy days!!

I've had a few thoughts of gambling over the weeks, but instead of just ignoring them I've been trying to challenge them. Really thinking through in my head what's triggering them (virtually always stress, boredom or habit) or reminding myself of the inevitable outcome and it's associated feelings.It might sound a bit bonkers but I actually talk it through in my head..."ok, so you deposit £50. Then what?" "I might win." "What would you do if you won? What if you lose" "Honestly, I'd carry on playing. But I might withdraw some." "What would you do with that withdrawal? What have you ever done with any winnings?" " I'd probably deposit them again.That's all I've ever done with winnings. I've never bought anything with them " "How would you feel then? How would it end up? How does it always end?" When I work it through to the end (instead of just stopping when I'm remembering the winning feeling) it helps me remember why I don't want to go there again. When I've not gambled for a while I develop some king of gambling amnesia. I think I want the winning feeling, but somehow I forget all the upset, pain and wasted time that comes with it. Oh, and I also forget that that winning feeling lasts literally for seconds. As soon as I've had it I want it again and it becomes a vicious, never ending cycle that only stops when every bit of money is gone.

Reminding myself of this when the thoughts surface helps keep it in perspective. I know I don't want to go there anymore. When I'm not gambling life is so much better. There isn't the void that I was worried about, it's not the friend that I thought it was and I'm really not missing out on anything.One bet, that first one, will take me back to the madness. No madness for me today, thanks, I've had more than enough of it 🙂

LifeBegins x

☺
Do you feel this happy having your freedom of peaceful house bk to your devices? 😉

Keep it up mrs Liberty, keep winning

https://youtu.be/eN5vlW1v0Js

😀 S x

Lol Sandra....yes, that was me this morning! Although it didn't last long as I was looking after an eighteen month old toddler for the rest of the day. Now I feel like one of those grumpy old gorillas at the zoo who just sit and stare at people and occasionally throw bananas 🙂

I can hear the wine calling my name from the fridge!

Glad you're about on here 🙂

LifeBegins wrote:

Phew...first normal day after all the christmas and new year celebrations. Everyone's now back to school/work, and the house is calm again. I've been popping on and reading people's diaries and I've got to say I get a genuinely good feeling when I read that people are doing well and making progress. Last time I posted, Dan and Sandra had left, but today they are back....Happy days!!

I've had a few thoughts of gambling over the weeks, but instead of just ignoring them I've been trying to challenge them. Really thinking through in my head what's triggering them (virtually always stress, boredom or habit) or reminding myself of the inevitable outcome and it's associated feelings.It might sound a bit bonkers but I actually talk it through in my head..."ok, so you deposit £50. Then what?" "I might win." "What would you do if you won? What if you lose" "Honestly, I'd carry on playing. But I might withdraw some." "What would you do with that withdrawal? What have you ever done with any winnings?" " I'd probably deposit them again.That's all I've ever done with winnings. I've never bought anything with them " "How would you feel then? How would it end up? How does it always end?" When I work it through to the end (instead of just stopping when I'm remembering the winning feeling) it helps me remember why I don't want to go there again. When I've not gambled for a while I develop some king of gambling amnesia. I think I want the winning feeling, but somehow I forget all the upset, pain and wasted time that comes with it. Oh, and I also forget that that winning feeling lasts literally for seconds. As soon as I've had it I want it again and it becomes a vicious, never ending cycle that only stops when every bit of money is gone.

Reminding myself of this when the thoughts surface helps keep it in perspective. I know I don't want to go there anymore. When I'm not gambling life is so much better. There isn't the void that I was worried about, it's not the friend that I thought it was and I'm really not missing out on anything.One bet, that first one, will take me back to the madness. No madness for me today, thanks, I've had more than enough of it 🙂

LifeBegins x

a good end to the day for sure. keep it up. ((tri))

Hi,LB,

Thanks for dropping in,:))) phew indeed back to normal lol, it was sooo nice to do food shopping this week without putting extra Xmas food in lol, soo less stressful:)))

As your journey continues, you won't have to talk to yourself as much,when these stupid thoughts appear, you just won't open the door:)))

As always you are doing just fine:))) keep that triangle broken, and keep positive Hun.

Suzanne xxx

A quiet day with time on my hands and have spent at least the last two hours reading on here (better than gambling). Reading people's diaries and the recent debates about choice, illness, addiction etc have all been very interesting but they've stirred up some thoughts that I want to get out of my head and onto this diary. They're not to do with gambling, but it's my diary so I can write what I like! 🙂

My sister has had years of problem drinking and after the death of my eldest sister she turned to alcohol with a vengence...it was a way to cope and to numb her feelings (which I totally understand).However, she'd always had "issues". A few years ago she was admitted to hospital because of her alcoholism and was given a detox. She is still drinking. I guess the bit I struggle with most is her unwillingness to get help. Because of her moods and behaviour when drinking she has become isolated from the rest of the family and she is very alone. She is extremely defensive and, in all honesty, isn't a very nice person to be around much of the time. She wants contact with her (adult) children but always manages to antagonise them with her actions and lack of thought. She lacks awareness of their needs and emotions and is really quite self-centered and selfish. I can love her from a distance but after a short time being with her she makes me want to scream. There's an underlying tension between her and her kids, and I'm the person she loves to hate. She isn't someone I would choose to be my friend and I don't believe that we have to be in contact just because we're family. Equally, I really do want her to get better and to see that she could have a decent life. I just cannot understand why she won't do what's needed to help herself. I know that may sound a bit much coming from someone with a gambling problem, but at least I try. I've taken the help, had the therapy, actively read and try my utmost to take steps to improve my life. She just point blank refuses. She declined the counselling when she had the detox ("what good can that do" "what do they know"), she refuses to go to her GP or AA. Her daughter has asked her to go for some family therapy to try and work a way forward (they can't be in the same room with each other without it decending into a row) but she won't go. It seems that she's choosing to stay locked up and alone. I understand that therapy is difficult, I really do know it will be hard, but I just cannot understand why she won't even try it. She's said before that if she goes we'll all be sorry, that what will come out will change things forever. To me, that hints at abuse but she said that wasn't it when I asked her. I don't know what it is, but I just think that she knows there's something there ( quite possibly something big and scary) so why not try and get it sorted? Find a way to live with whatever it is, to bring it out into the open and then be able to lower some of the defences that she's built up around her. She's living a miserable life and slowly killing herself. She's not happy but yet she chooses not to take the steps necessary to change anything. That's what I don't understand. When my eldest sister became ill we would have done anthing for her to get better. Surgery, chemo any treatment that was possible. But nothing was possible. It was too adavnced and she couldn't be saved.So why can't she do what's needed (however painful) to live life? I can't understand it and I feel bad because I feel like I should. I feel that coming from a place of addiction I should get it, but I don't. I'm struck by all the family members that stick by their loved ones, and I question whether I've done that for her. I have tried. I watch Jonathan Hari and think I could have done more, but then realise that it's really hard to love someone who causes so much pain. Am I judging her for not trying? Does she feel judged? Then I go back to thinking again that I cannot understand why she chooses not to get help. I don't think she has a choice about her addiction, I think she has a choice in what she does to combat it. Reading all that I have today hasn't helped. I'm still confused. But it has made me realise that the feelings and worries that I have about my sister have certainly been a trigger in the past, and that thankfully today they've not sparked any urges.

Not gambling for me today.

LB x

Hi, LB,

Sorry to hear of your sister's addiction and sorry for any grief this debate's caused you but I totally agree with your conclusion: there's no choice about having an addiction but there's choice about what you do - or refuse to do - to overcome it. You do indeed try and it's absolutely worthwhile.

For me, the one contention that really, really brings steam to my ears is that the gambling is because of what someone else (usually f&f) does. The suggestion that if I do or say the "wrong" thing, he'll go off and gamble and it will be my doing. To be fair, I don't get that line now but others are held hostage by it. Hence my stance in the debate about responsibility.

Keep well, stay safe, best wishes,

Hi LB,

Your sister has another addiction, but whatever the addiction, we have to want the help ourselves to stop, it has to come from that person within.

Your sister may be a trigger to your emotional frame of mind, which then triggers that gambling addiction, you are not blaming your sister for your gambling, you are hurting and worried about her because of her addiction, and you cannot help unless she wants it.and that makes you feel helpless in a way, maybe,

Am sure she did not choose to have a drink problem like us with gambling, am not sure yet whether addictions are heredetry but I think

I am moving towards those thoughts now, it doesn't have to be the same addiction, my thoughts only ofcourse.

Take care and keep strong,

Suzanne xxx

CW, thanks for your thoughts. I was going to post on your thread but wasn't sure which one this really fits with, so decided to put it here and hope you get to read it!

I totally understand that lack of responsibility would bring the steam to anyone's ears. I didn't mean to suggest that in what I wrote. For me, gambling is largely used as an escape from grief, stress, worry and anxiety. Interaction with my sister, the arguments that rage within the family because of her, the hurt and damage caused to her children and her seeming lack of understanding cause a lot of stress and worry for me. In the past my response to those feelings would be to gamble. It wouldn't have been her fault...she wouldn't be responsible, I would. I fully accept that it's my actions and my responsibility. But I haven't always known that. With help and support I've gained a better understanding of my gambling and the reasons why I do it. That helps me decide not to make that bet. Today it's my sister, other times it could be my kids, the weather, my past, worries for the future, the slow old b****r in the queue in front of me. It's none of them really...it's me and how I react to life's pressures. I get it now...but it's taken a while!

"When we know better, we do better"

LB x

Hi LB

I'm guessing your sister doesn't seek help because she doesn't want to give up. Bottom line.

Suppose that's an obvious point. I often wonder why I gambled for around 15 years without ever 'reaching out' - cos as soon as I did, I stopped. I'm not sure I never consciously thought this but that must be the case - that I never reached out because I never really wanted to stop. And if I stopped I would have to face up to my fears/issues.

It sounds like your sister has quite significant issues of pain she's struggling with - which is causing major secondary problems such as alcoholism. Sounds like she can't handle painful emotions so she avoids. Wish I had a simple answer - if she could see a very good therapist that would help. Get stuff out in the open and learn to sit with difficult feelings. But it's her willingness to engage which I realise is a problem. Tough one and I can appreciate the tension you have between loving her and finding her difficult to be around.

Hope you're well.

Louis

Thanks for dropping by but I'm pretty sure I must owe you that email, I've been really slack the last few weeks! Admittedly 16 shifts in 17 days (la la laa laaaaa) hasn't been massively constructive for my social skills & even the recents debates haven't been enough to entice me in! I wish I knew why your sister was hurting so much, why she won't get help, why the big man upstairs (if there is one) chose your best friend & not the bitter twisted girl you are struggling to figure out but I have no answers & as you know, I'm too shallow to need them (thank goodness)! The thing that really jumped out of the page for me was her detox...As I've read it time & time again on here, abstaining is not recovery! It kinda makes me ponder where I need to go (turns me into that little old Grrr in front of you as you shuffle off of the train & down to the tube), I have no barriers, haven't had any since day 91 & I haven't done any real soul searching yet (well I looked but I couldn't see it so it mustn't be there)! I know there may be many more steps for me to take down the line but I guess for now, I'll just bimble along in blissful ignorance, tools lined up, like a very messy surgeon, awaiting the arrival of Mr G & his entourage!

You keep getting your words down, they test me as much as some of the stuff Dan writes...Mostly I don't understand any of it but they all help my brain to whirr!

Hey you ☺

Thanks for the post...my enemies list is getting shorter then lol..(kidding 😉 ).

It's not easy to shut me up from my thoughts on here (sometimes), but your post really hit me hard and i simply couldn't make up the sentence to express myself.
I was thinking if my sister will put something like that down in due course...it really hurt to see reality of what alcoholism is doing but the facts is here, right in front of my face.
I guess i am at isolation stage...don't think they hate my company yet (they seem to try and hold me up when I'm visiting..besides..lil man is always happy to see me)...but i don't know if my behaviour will not escalate out of control.
I never make up stories why i need to rush home and so on. I just tell them I'm always tired (which is true) but what i don't say is that I'm going home so i can sit on my own with an open bottle till i pass out 🙁

Waffling on here...just my thoughts which maybe i should of kept to myself but hay ho, if i won't be true to myself, i will never admit i have a problem.

Hope your sister finds the help/support needed. AA is good support group...also online support groups if she wants to get a little familiar with the program first.

For now...you need to keep putting yourself first and don't let her behaviour trigger yours.
You're doing great - keep it up!

Take care

S x

Hi, LB,

Thanks for your post. To clarify mine, I absolutely don't doubt that you personally take responsibility and I don't suggest that you blame it on others. But it has been done elsewhere on the forum, in particular the first post in "Why are we a problem gambler".

We f&f are told that we can't control the CG; if no one can, including themselves, what hope would there be? It would be a one way ticket to nowhere. Which is why the "I can't do anything about this, I'm an addict and it's all your fault anyway" line is a fallacy. Sooner or later, control is taken. As you have shown, same for Tri, Dan, Kelly, Duncan, Balvaird ....(sorry, can't list everyone).

I hope your sister follows your example but if she doesn't, she continues to lose out. The hard part for you is trying to separate yourself from it.

Stay safe, take care.

CW

Thanks for your thoughts mrs Liberty ☺

My relationship with my sister had many bumps but i guess deep down we both know we care for each other...i even forgave her for whacking a vase on my head when we were little, all the bruises, scratches and lost hair lol..even for nicking my first brand new trainers (i seemed to wear her leftovers while young) and most importantly - im kinda thanking her for slamming door in my face when i come out clean about my gambling! (That was a toughie to go through tho).

Besides all this - we're doing great! 😀
Not sure if she knows the extent of my drink. We are not close enough to discuss private feelings/ obsessions/ addictions. However, Even if I'm 3 years younger, sometimes i feel that she is proud of me . (That's carrer wise and recent volunteering choice). We are very different in respect of characters. I was always very sensitive about things and she just doesn't seem to take them on board...saying that, i overreact on stuff indeed.
She has a little addiction with shopping...mine is gambling, drink, cigarettes...saying that I'm a little concerned with her recent exercising because she is taking it all out of proportion. I see the signs :-/...i did the same in my early 20's and had bulimia/anorexia...so yes, worrying is not a word!

Alcohol. Ok...it's horrible addiction to tell you the least. I drank most of my life...mainly to block feelings...still do but as my counsellor told me - alcohol is the biggest depressant..how true that is!
Not sure what situation work wise your sister is at...but there are rehab places and she even get it near enough for free if she is committed for the change. I was close to go to one, but work commitments didn't allow me one month off.
Sorry to read she is in denial..this is the biggest hurdle she needs to get over with to get wheels in motion and move on.

As of kids....my heart goes to them...i know how they feel and not saying it lightly. To feel Mum's absence physically or emotionally can be very confusing...and i would urge them to see some kind of support also. Feeling worthless cause of someone elses actions can be very very disturbing and painful to go through...i hope they will find the place in their hearts for forgiveness ☺...it's not easy & work in progress but as every illness/addiction....there is someone else controlling your mind and you don't think clearly. I don't think any Mum would inflict so much pain on their kids on purpose.

Now that's a waffle to be proud of huh ;-)...glad to b back, thanks for listening and being here....in recovery.

Sandra xx

Thanks for popping by with your support LB, and for asking about my son, he may have to have another biopsy as the GP did not like the look of his tongue this week:(( but it may be self inflicted because he has carried on drinking and smoking,) too much poison on a fresh wound, but as we know:(( whatever I say will not make the slightest difference,:(((

Take care and keep concentrating on you.

Suzanne xxx