Every Day Is A Second Chance

Quick update dear diary. All's good in the hood. No urges to resist, no whispers from Mr. G, no turmoil to go through. The only time I'm really thinking about it is when I'm on here...which is usually once a day just to see how everyone's doing and keep my mind focussed.

"Abstinence isn't recovery" I've spent a bit of time pondering that lately and wondering where I am in this journey. For a long while I still wanted to gamble but knew I couldn't, and was worried about becoming a "dry drunk" type of ex-gambler. Slowly (ever so slowly) as I've joined more dots and the last pieces of the jigsaw are coming together, I've begun to notice that that feeling seems to have gone. I don't want to do it anymore. It's not that I can't, it's that it just doesn't have the pull any more. I don't know when it happened. There wasn't a day that I woke up and it was gone...there was no lightbulb moment...more a gradual seeping in of all that I've learnt over the years. I've re-read and revisted some "stuff" that I first came to when I started therapy/counselling. It makes more sense now. I can see how it all fits now. I can see who I am, and I know what I want. I remember writing that all I wanted was a clear mind and a clean conscious...I wake up every day like that now. I'm filling my days with things that have more meaning and I'm making sure I keep in touch with people and do things rather than letting them slide.Life's still got the same ups and downs (there's not much skipping through daisy fields, hair flowing in the wind) but I'm able to cope with them better.

Anyway...am I abstaining or in recovery? I decided I don't really know, and for now, I don't really care. I can't have recovery without abstinence. I'm very hapy with where I am right here, right now. And that's enough for me.

LB x

No question for me...You're in recovery! To some extent, I even think you may have been a 'dry recoverer'! But as you say, it matters not, what matters is that you're really living now (even if you can't skip or go in Daisy fields because you have hay fever), the good, the bad & the ugly!

Go easy on the little one, if she's just watched her Daddy survive man-flu she's gonna be a bit needy 😉

Hey you,

Yes, i know what you mean ☺..i did go for another Maccy D's visit even if it's me, myself and me for a company :-)))
Not sure i looked for company in the right place but visited casino too :-(...boo, but they were ever so nice offering free coffee & actually talking to me time to time..that made a change and at least some communication in 3D was present!

Of course you are in recovery! I guess it comes to realisation when we "stop" thinking of another gamble...finding other things to do and divert your focus on good stuff is essential ☺

Sorry to hear about kids and ur husband! Hope they will feel better soon.

Keep on choosing no Hun...keep "living" as they say 😉

Over and out
You be good and keep smiling!

Ps..i also am scared of driving..mainly hill s, but had no choice last 5 weekends and had to get over ever soooo huge one in Lincoln ☺..i did it and practicing means we are half way through our anxieties i guess..to get me on a plane is another matter tho lol..but..sometimes we just "got" to.

S x

Hmmm...flying..yup, i went on the plane twice since my lil "incident" 3yrs ago...not gonna elaborate too much on it but not sure if lady next to me appreciate my nails dug in on her hand lol..bless...but to be fair, we were both scared so i guess we just emotionally supported each other...well, with some scratches as a result i guess :-/...flying lessons! Man!!! No no no..i would be paraletic at the end of the course and they would have to carry me in the aircraft lol...so best no venture in that "danger zone".
Motorways was my nightmare also..esp since i lost brakes on M11 and found myself in the "rocket" (Toyota celica) on fast lane :-(..that was tough! But...all is kool and after a little practice you see me on motorways at every opportunity i have! Really like them and as you probably know - it's the safest place to drive!

Hill s...dips and all that is like rollercoaster which i hate :-0..i tell ya what, Sesuo better move somewhere else cause i prob lose heart beat quite few times on those roads...jeeeezzzzzz...why they not bulldozing hill s down? ☺

Yup...i am a wreck on gambling front but still fighting...deep fog indeed..d**n.

Ok, no more 'sorry me' stories, just gotta get on with it right ☺

Sleep well and take a good care of you Mrs Liberty!

I vote recovery! Although I don't really know what recovery means, I mean it's a word thrown around a lot here, including by me, but I'm not sure there's a fixed definition outside of somewhere like the rooms of GA.

It's definitely a process of some sort towards becoming healthy. And so it seems like you're well along that path.

Beyond that I guess what recovery means is different, depending on each persons drivers. For me, it's a process based on a) having a sense of who I want to be, and b) notiing what I have in fact become (eg addictive behaviour) and c) taking steps so that who I am is more in line with who I want to be.

"c" is a process not a goal so its there for a life.

Best

Louis

Hello LB.

A very, very nice post.

Your right it doesn't matter if things feel level. I think and probably always have that your in recovery. A nice place to be and now you've found it, I guess it's about keeping connected and not leaving the place. I guess some days, we worry because we're sad or pi ssed off, each day is different and now on the threshold of realising that and using complacency as the enemy rather than addictions.

Hi LB , just picked up on your post and it's great to see where you've arrived at in your life and that your feeling happy with your world ! Our journey's a long one and it's nice that you can see a destination on the horizon , good things have come into your life and I'm sure there's a lot more waiting for you ! Have a wonderful day ! Alan x

Hello LB,

I think also I would of felt obliged to give the therapist a thump.

But a question of ' why me ' and a very worthy truthful answer from therapist. I think to grow is to get the answers we don't really want to hear.

Thanks for another smile duly delivered to this face...

Another well said post LB on Robs diary ! Your a smart lady.

A share of my day.
1. Fed the geese, ducks swans and the pesky pigeons. A new obsession.
2. Phoned my pop's, an amusing call but also to say thanks for choice.
3. Healthier brekky than normal.

Too come.
1. Paint one more wall.
2. Open my mouth to the dentist but also ask Why, rather than just open wide.

Enjoy the sun

Hi LB , thought I would stop hijacking Dan's thread and come to you instead .

Point taken and of course youv'e every right to disagree with what I'm saying but what Iwas trying to get over is that most people when they first start ,use gambling to either gain pleasure , solve financial issues or escape from life for some reason and most of us know pretty much which one fits ! .

I really think that people give gambling far to much credit and it's no more an addiction than smoking is , it's a habit that we get into by repeating the same thing day in and day out and the only difference I see between the two is financially and by the way it affects those around us.

Gambling and Smoking both cause us financial problems , health problems but they can also both give us pleasure .

I'm probably going to be slaughtered on here for saying this but I loved Gambling and I also loved smoking and if I could carry on with both in a way that would not be harmfull then I wouldnt be here , both gave me so much pleasure and thats the bit if anything I miss but I'm equally aware that both caused immense harm , which is why I now do neither.

I don't go to GA , I have never felt the need for counciling and I'm happy right here but Im old school I suppose and have just learned through life that if something hurts you that much , that it causes you so much pain it makes you consider ending it all , why would you keep doing it ?.

I'm not struggling with my choice to stop , I'm not beating myself up over the fact I can't smoke or Gamble again , there really is no point in me having a constant mind battle over it and I'm at peace with my decision to stop , maybe I'm just lucky or just maybe I don't see it as rocket science.

If some people wish to seek help through GA or therapists or books , then why not , thats great ! and as long as you get the result your happy with its not a problem , I guess its about the right amount of support and the individuals willpower ?.

For me , this place provided infomation and knowledge but most importantly I realised I wasn't alone in feeling the way I did when stuck in the clutches of gambling and that was really good to know , especially in the early stages and for that I'll always be gratefull , I'm not a clever well educated man like some, I left school at 15 with no real qualifications , took my first job 3 days later and never stopped working but it really didn't take me too long to realise that this is just a habit that took over and once I realised that I just needed to replace the time spent on that habit , with better things !.

You can give this habit of ours all the wonderfull long names you want , you can explore yourself until there's nowhere else to look but when push comes to shove , look to yourself for answers to your questions and the biggest question is " How do I want to live my life " ?.

Have I spent a long time analysing my experiences, thoughts, feelings? Has it been worth it? I know I'm not the same person any more. I know that all the things that I have learned over these last few years has bought a clarity to my life that wasn't there before. I know that the choices that I now make aren't random and arbitary but nearly always come from some type of emotion. We're emotionally based, bahvioural animals. We do things because at some level we get something out of it.For many years I never made that connection....now that I know it, it's hard to unknow it.

A small, seemingly trivial example...clothes shopping. I have always said I hate shopping, can't be arsed, have no desire to do it and only go when forced into it by looking like a tramp (probably not true, but that's another issue!). For years, whenever I went to the local (giant) shopping centre it left me feeling quite depressed and low. I told myself I was just a useless shopper, that it wasn't for me, we all like different things and I just didn't like this! I had money to spend, a huge choice of shops, endless opportunities but would wander aimlessly with a heavy heart. As I'd wander around, I'd formulate ways I'd cheer myself up afterwards. These usually always involved food (but sometimes wine) and on bad days an online session as a reward when I got home. I made the connection that shopping pee'd me off and I cheered myself up with a treat, yet I also knew that the "treat" made me feel like pants. A full sized baguette and a giant bag of crisps, washed down with a glass of sauvingnon blanc and £100 on the slots does not, in most sane people's minds, consitute a treat, especially when it left me feeling bloated, sick and upset for the rest of the day.But why, oh why, did I keep on doing it? It happened over and over. Then, when I really looked at it, when I stopped stuffing the feelings down with food and slots, came the answer. Loneliness. Loss. Emptiness. Shopping was something fun when I did with someone else. When there was someone to stop for lunch with or to give an opinion on if my b*m looked big. The other women were there with their mums, their sisters, their friends. I didn't have any of those people to go with and that's where the real problem (emotion, hurt) lay. It wasn't about not being able to find the right pair of shoes, or hating shopping as a sport. It was about feeling like Billy no mates...it was feeling the void, it was the little girl saying this isn't fair.

Realising this hasn't made the shopping experience magically ok. It's just made me see what I was doing, and in knowing where the triggers were and why I was behaving in the way I did, I could make better (healthier) choices. This is a small example. But my life is a series of small examples, each one usually leading to a big splurge. When I used to think I'm never gambling again, but then would find myself back on the laptop, these are the types of things that lead me there. Not shopping...but the thoughts, feelings and emotions that it triggered.

Feeling so much better about everything lately. Progressing for sure 🙂

LB x

A busy noggin you've got there today LB.

I think, one thing, amongst many i like about your diary is that despite your curiosity with GA you've found progress with out dismissing. Your, you're own person.

I don't think over analysing is a bad thing and im sure you fit it in with life very well. It's good to ask questions with a open mind. Something I'm slowly learning.

Understanding the animal we are, something I crave must be one of the most treasured feelings out there. Old sayings are always the best ' you only get put of life what you put in '. We come to a stage where there's a lot of unnecessary baggage we tend to put in our kit bag, so a need to dump comes about at some stage.

Staying in the moment and finding our center a comfortable place to live with the company of emotions we've always lived with and always will.

You really are a good example of progress and not perfection as you've reconnected with the values teacher to us as adolescents.

Honor

Your last post about shopping reminded me of when I was a child:)) and once a week my Dad dropped my Mum and me off early in the morning in the city, and picked us up after work, a whole day looking round shops LB:)) I simply hated it, my brothers never had to go, but me yep, every week, thst put me off shopping for life, I hate window shopping, browse shopping, and it still surprises friends that I don't like a day out getting retail therapy lol.

Hated food shopping too, but having said that I actually enjoy food shopping now, because it gives me a sense of achievement, saving money, because I shop around, even now converted to Aldi, I love the bargains, wished I was money conscious when in the grip of gambling, but recovery has taught me to respect every single penny:))

Good positive last post, you are doing just fine :))

Yes progress is certainly happening,

Suzanne xxx

Hai LB,

Just read your post to Al. I think sometimes, we need to take a step back and remind ourselves that us addicts are a sensitive lot. Sometimes a bit to overly but to also flip that, it means we're caring. Just maybe now, we're learning about balance.

I know I p*s.sed someone off on the feedback part of the forum.Do I feel guilty, truthfully No, maybe didn't articulate as well as I could of. But hai Ho. ..

This forum in my belief will always have spats and whilst it's confession time, I caused one in my old diary and caused quite a stir. That time I felt guilty about the stir and some leaving but then again, I had a point with a particular long termer and the volcano erupted. We are work in progress as they say.

There's too much in life to let the cyber world pee us off. And i think people need to be aware that this is no easy ride so rather than blow smoke up each others a,r*e, it's sometimes more hold on tight, stormy weather's ahead. And you know, as well as I, that weather changes...

Have a goodie and don't forget to feed the birds. They like multi grain .

Morning LB , Firstly I'd like to apologise to you for going off on one over the last couple of day's , the post wasn't criticising you and was just a generalisation of the way I've felt things have been unfolding . To be honest I've not felt well the last few days and think instead of leaving things until I felt better I just unloaded on anyone who got in the way and had it not been you some other poor sod would have got it , so take solace in the fact that that you took one for the forum yesterday , it's no excuse I know but it's the only thing I can put it down to at the mo .

I've actually taken the morning off work as I felt so unwell and thats just not like me !.

Anyway you know my views and I'm aware of your's and thats all good for me , we are all different in our recovery strategy and as long as things work for us , however we do it I'm happy .

No more whinging and ranting from me , well !! until the next time anyway LOL !.

Please accept my apologies and I hope you enjoyed your walk !

Alan x`