Every Day Is A Second Chance

Sorry Sandra.... I will get back to you and to you Paul...

My "little" girl hasn't been well and I've been in the hospital with her for the last 3 days. She's ok now, and it wasn't anything life threatening, but still a worry. Not much chance of sleep in there so the wrinkles are looking worse than ever 🙁

Hoping to find some time to catch up and post soon but for now I'm full time mum on nursing duties.

LB x

Had wondered if you had galloped off on your pony chased by angry hungry birds.

Get yourself some sleep LB. The rules always stay the same ' Look after you ' the number one priority and the rest will take care of itself. I'm pleased your daughter is well back on the mend but alot of stress no doubt for you and yours...

Take care....

Hi LB,

Hope all is okay with a little one & please never apologise. YOU and your loved ones always comes first!

Look after yourself...get some proper rest and all your family will be in my prayers.

Take care

S x

Morning LB and thank you for your comment , yeah , it just really struck a nerve with me last night , thinking that if I'd not thought slightly differently about things my kids although older could have been dealing with the same stuff as that poor girl , just think it puts everything into perspective really . On another note, I hope your daughters feeling better and that a bit of normality has returned to your household ? Best wishes for a great day and take care x

Hai LB, thanks for your thoughts on my diary it means alot and will no doubt be the basis of some of my posts today, i feel alot of processing needed.

First, i'm glad the daughter is well on the mend, a top nurse/ mother doing her role well.

I know i dont need to answer your last paragraph but i will anyway. Your diary gonna be my therapist seat for now...

I'm sure we've all got family that we'd rather not have. I'm just wondering why those people have the power to bring out such a strong response in you? (I'm not expecting you to answer...just wondering what it is they've triggered). The people in my family that I used to feel like that about were the ones who I felt had hurt me and let me down. Thankfully, that's changed now.

A few weeks back i went to visit my dad for a good friendly father/son drink/ laugh but also to do some of my sly digging. My folks know how i feel about my extended family and they pretty much agree but dont know the reason. My digging found me, finding what my old granny was all about. She died when i was about 10 and in truth i was happy as that i never had to visit them again. They always gave me the sh.its but i couldnt understand why. By good fortune my visits were only rare as i was a airforce sibling. But i found out my granny was bought up in orphaneages as a child and this explained a lot for me and the reason why my mum was the way she is. I think my old man saved my mum from the nagative cycle her family was and i believe are still in. I dont know my cuzzys and wouldnt recognise them but i know one is a heroin addict, one is a jehovah preist, ones a fat f***k and ones confused. I feel that my mums bro's/ssisters have an elemant of envy of my mum as she's well under the guidance of pop's and done well in life but i also see that there energy vultures and thats what they do to my mother, but she's blind to it. I refuse to let them anywahere near me as quite honestly there not my problem and i'm far from nasty but i would care for my old cat more than them. No guilt there....Its just my humble opinion of why i was pi.ssed off in someone trying to enter my orbit, the 2nd time in a few years as sick pup tried it a few years back...........I'm not saying there bad people but my only connection is watered down blood...

Thanks for listening and where do i send my fee 😉

Ok, well make yourself at home. Hope the seat's comfy!

So it's clear that you have good reasons not to want to engage with them. As you quite rightly say, no guilt needed. So the reasoning is clear...I'm just wondering what the feelings are behind that. When you think about them...what to do you feel (not think)?

Hai LB, A free comfy seat.. )

A simple answer to what i think rather than feel about em is ............Nothing...........

And thats pretty much the point. But you've given me more food for thought..

belated correction? feel and think = nothing!

Sorry are you looking for Paul lady sorry luv I ain't seen I'm for aayges !

LB, Your bang on with what you say there and makes perfect sense and i'm glad you stopped reading. Well observed. This is my 2nd diary, my 1st was like i am now and the 1st 11 pages of my present diary was off a man who got caught up in being a dry gambler. Thats why i'm a advocaat of finding/ processing the source and recovery rather than just abstaining... Thats where i went wrong the 1st time round ( diary ), i thought i'd cracked it and i was recovered!! I think that makes sense and you'll understand that.....

ps....I got tired of Alans jokes and found my self repeating '' heard it '', hence i thought i better come back to my diary or yours..

I've been thinking about the idea of an emotional bank account...I think it was Stephen Covey who wrote about it. The idea being that within relationships we can think of having a bank account. The account starts off with a zero, but we make emotional deposits into the account. The deposits are made on trust, kindness, doing things (big and small) for each other, patience, respect....all the components of a good relationship. Each time you deposit the balance gets bigger. Over time, hopefully, you'll have built a substantial amount in the bank account. We are all human, and withdrawals might be made from time to time. Some withdrawals will be small...the little annoyances or rows that get you worked up, but you soon get over. Some withdrawals are much bigger particulary those that involve lack of trust or integrity. The idea is that if we can have a healthy emotional bank balance with someone based on lots of little deposits over time, we are more able to accept the withdrawals and work towards rebuilding the balance (the relationship).

I was thinking of it mostly in relation to my husband and my kids.On the days when I feel like a cr.ap mum or when I think about the lies that I told due to my gambling etc, I can also remind myself of all the emotional deposits that I've made over all the years which actually account for a lot. It doesn't excuse it, but it helps put some perspective on things and stops me from telling myself I'm a "bad" person. "day at a time Dan" talks about gambling and connection...that it's a lack of connection that feeds the addiction. I've often wondered how and why I didn't go further off the path or deeper into the abyss....somehow, even within all the madness and compulsiveness, something kept me holding on with my fingernails. I'm thinking now that maybe I had just enough connection with the people in my life, just enough in the bank accounts to stop me.

The sun has got his hat on. Happy days.

LB x

Not a bad idea keeping a framework for your emotional health. I like the idea of starting the emotional bank with a few credits even if your awarding them for thinking of the idea of an emotional banks account

LB, A nice double whammy, ie nice post to me and a nice post above.

My guess is that you have an abundance of credits in the emotional bank account. I think your ever desreasing threshold of regret/ guilt was a mere wrong turning and your strength/spirit ingrained kept you connected, albeit sometimes as you say ' by the finger tips '

Hey Mrs Galaxy,

Thank you for coming by. Was thinking what to reply but not much came to mind...just wanted to thank you for your support and believing in me i suppose.

Walking the walk huh...just for today i guess ☺

Well, have a good weekend yourself Hun! Mine is not so upbeat cause I'm at work (Boooo) but ya know what - "living life on it's terms" is something I'm coming round to...progress nonetheless.

Stay safe, ...look after that pony ☺

Ps. Hope your daughter is feeling better and peace and calmness has returned in the household.

S x

Hai LB,

People will start talking and wondering if we rode off into the sunset on the back of a pony to phearapeautic Island!

Ditto on your post to me, I also enjoyed posting to this LB friend.

I'm trusting alls good with you and yours and very much liking you, with plenty more credits to the emotional bank account..

Take care

Hey diary...long time no see. Stuff running around in my head that I want to unload on here. Came on yesterday to catch up and found that things had kicked off a bit and the different viewpoints then had me questioning my own. Never good to have it all rattling around between my ears so....

It reminded me that I don't like confrontation and that although I've come a long way in that, there is still a level of anxiety that it provokes (even if it's nothing to do with me) and that is something I could do with looking at.

I realised that I have a tendency to want to jump in and find ways to resolve conflict or smooth things over but that actually it's not warranted. This is just part of my wanting everyone to play nice, and I have to understand that not everyone gets along, the world isn't perfect, sometimes people are unkind and it's not any of my business. Finding the balance between defending an injustice and poking my nose in is important and I'm glad I chose not to engage yesterday.

I have a tendency to be a bit Switzerland like. I really can see both points of view and I find myself agreeing with points from both "sides of the fence". I've long been one for exploring my feelings and questioning why I do what I do. I have a tendency to think that everyone else should too!! However, I've learnt to reign that in. It's quite arrogant of me to think that I know best and I've also realised that not everyone wants or needs to analyse their past to live a fulfilling and connected present. Good for them...I wasn't one of them but now that I've exorcised my demons I can see the point of looking forwards and not backwards. Having said that, I really do get to the point of "I want to shake you" when people know what's needed but aren't prepared to do it. You can't get better if you don't take the medicine. That's true on here and in "real life" My sister in law (lovely person...open, honest and seemingly quite together emotionally) has been trying to lose the same 5 stone for all the years I've know her. It drives me mad. I started off understanding and empathetic, but after constant diets and pounds lost and regained I'm now at the point where I just can't listen to her any more. Don't keep telling me about points and red days and green days and low fat this, blah, blah blah. Stop buying c.rap food, stop putting it in your mouth, start walking and if there's an underlying reason why you can't do that then get some help to resolve it!! Sounds harsh...but she's been on the same bus for 20 years and it's really time to get off.

I don't see the problem with counting days. When I get to 6 months, and then a year and then 2 etc. etc. I fully intend to celebrate it. It's an achievement and it's something I'll be proud of. I want balloons and a bit of a fuss thank you very much. That doesn't make me shallow...or maybe it does but I don't care. I'll have earned it. I don't display my days because it was so demoralising when I had to rest it to zero. I'm confident (not cocky) that I won't be doing that again...and I'm happy to be on the one year challenge.

I totally understand that it's not about the money. Letting the money go was one of the best steps I've taken.I know it's about the feelings of escape that gambling bought and it's unique ability to allow me to numb out. But I'm also aware that I'm in a very fortunate position to be able to write off those losses without a backward glance. I didn't take payday loans, I never had to go to stepchange, I've always had food on the table so I can understand that for people who do have those constant reminders of the past it's a bit harder to let that go and seeing the balances come down is motivating.

I guess I view this forum as a place of support and friendship. I've learnt so much from people on here. Some people who've commented directly to me, but also by reading other people's stories and struggles.The people I'm thinking of are from both camps and I'm truely grateful for their wise words as they have helped me along the way. Even Alan's jokes have been theraputic at times 🙂 I think of it as a kind of cyber coffee shop where I meet up with friends and see how we're all getting on. I genuinely want everyone to do well, and like to think we can help each other when things get tough. I'm sure that's not in the forum guidelines anywhere but it's how it helps me...I'm thinking I might need to get out more!!

I also understand that abstinence isn't recovery...however, you can't have recovery without abstinence so I'm happy to have it as a starting point.

Anyhoo...this is turning into a mega post.Yesterday, reminded me that we are judged on here and it made me want to clam up. I don't want people to be judging me for sharing my past or wittering on about my feeelings. Equally, I don't want to be judged for being happy about success or having a bit of harmless banter. Then, I realised that worrying about what other people think and concerning myself about their opinion of me is a lot of what got me into this mess in the first place. I've spent a long time trying to be me and be happy with who I am, so I'm going to carry on moving forwards with that.

LB x