Every Day Is A Second Chance

Haven't been around much. Having quite a stressful time at the moment and I've been hearing the call of the slots a bit lately. They're not calling loudly....more of a distant whisper...but I wanted to come by and fortify myself with some gamcare goodness. Kind of wish I hadn't bothered. I've no problem with honest debate and I know that there will always be differences of opinions. But I've been really saddened by a couple of posts. Barbed remarks and sticking the knife in when someone is somewhat fragile is unkind and unnecessary. Even if I didn't agree with someone or if I disliked them...I just wouldn't aim such low blows. Man's inhumanity to man never fails to amaze me.

Other than the unconditional email support of the lovely (and truely non-judgemental) Kelly this forum is my only form of support. I'm logging off today feeling more down than when I logged on.

LB x

Hi LB, and sorry to hear youv'e not been having a good time of late , youv'e dealt with urges and cravings before and I'm sure this time you'll dismiss them in the same manner as always .

This forum is still full of goodness and support and I'm sorry you came on in the middle of a fracas but we all have differences and certain posts seem to suck in a certain and in my humble opinion , justifyable response .

Hope you feel better and back on form soon .

Best wishes .....................Alan

Tentatively popping my head on the forum and calm seems to have been restored. As ever, it got my head spinning a bit. Why was I so bothered by it? Why do I feel the need to jump in and defend other people? Was I right not to? I made myself hold back, but why?....Because

It wasn't my arguement and I'm feeling stressed enough without adding to it, so I guess I'm starting to learn to look after myself

It's none of my business and I have a tenedency to stick my nose in and try and sort things out when it's not warranted

I don't like conflict and I wanted it all resolved as quickly and as amicably as possible (if you could all just shake hands and play fair please) but it wasn't my place to sort that.

They're all grown people who are free to engage with the conflict or not.

I didn't want to say anything that might inflame the situation or keep the brown stuff flying.

So, I kept out. I nodded in agreement with a lot of the posts, saw valid points from both sides and didn't jump in. I also didn't stir the pot.... "go placidly amid the noise and the haste and remember what peace there may be in silence"...but, I feel bad. I feel a bit cowardly. Maybe I should stick my neck out a bit more? I was really upset by a couple of posts to Sandra. Not sure why it bothered me so much. There was just an edge to them that I didn't like. "kick a dog when it's down" was in my mind...(if you're reading this S, I know you're a tough cookie and not exactly an angel when it comes to conflict and def not a dog) but, well...it just sucked that's all. And I'm putting this here to get it out of my flu-filled head. I was relieved to see apologies, and I know that takes courage and humility, so there's a silver lining to it all. As always, when stuff comes up on here I learn a little bit more about myself and also about human nature...so it's all good in the end.

Anyhoo...100 days for me today!! Have had a few shout outs from the evil Mr.G recently, all of which have been stress related. It's really good for me to realise what those triggers are. Each time, it's been about wanting to switch off for a while...take a break...rest my mind....escape for a few hours.Thankfully, I now know that it's not the answer. I really do have to work on some ways to reduce the things I get my knickers in a twist about though...can't say I've been much fun to be around lately as I seemed to be just under boiling point most of the time and it doesn't take much for the steam to start coming out of my ears.It's not just family getting it...really thought I might go for the woman driving in from of me yesterday texting as she was driving (on the motorway) arrgghhh....I'm taking so many deep breaths that I'm starting to feel feint 🙂

Anyway, for all it's ups and downs this is still my favourite place for a cyber coffee x

Great post LB and good to see that your not feeling the need to jump in the gamcare blender , it's def work in progress eh? But it's work that's going The right way ! No high 5s or cake as I know that's not your thing , just best wishes and cyber flowers for the mouldy ones in the corner and congratulations on your century ! Have a great day ! X

LOL ! Always with the self exploration , good to see some thing's never change and if it works then why not , by the way does LB stand for Luvvely Bird ? coz it should ( what a smoothie I am ) , ok so balloons cake and high 5s coming your way !.

Take care Hun x

Hey mrs Liberty ☺

Thank you for your kind post and support. Don't worry about calling me a dog 😉 been called worse and actually i love love dogs so wouldn't mind being called one lol.
Right...firstly - do not worry about me! I am big girl with big pants (working on my appetite tho). I don't really feel comfortable being cared for as you know. Find it strange and don't want to put pressure on anyone.
d**n..my thoughts are all over the place. Some dark days recently but am digging hard and believe i will come out the other side ☺..we all do.
I have a feeling you have been in similar position at some point in your life too. It's dounting isn't it. The most annoying/ saddening thing i seem to hold it all in and can't open up to my flesh and blood. Really wanted to ring sister yesterday and today..cannot do it! Firstly don't want to make her worried, secondly....well...i guess she wouldn't think twice of sending me away with one way white ticket.
It's weird isn't it..we try to protect others when need protection ourselves the most :-/

Anyway..all is ok..as i said i am digging ☺. Yes, V suggested good place for me to go and share my feelings. Still working on it and am a little scared by some posts but offering help and support doing myself good too!

Volunteering on the other hand..i need to step up there. Been hiding like coward from their calls and i know i need to bite the bullet and ring them and explain my absence a little. I like helping out, i do think some stuff is demanding for such volunteering duties but i give my all heart and hope to learn on the way. I come to a contact with many people and i guess i still lack a bit of belief and am too anxious about my language :-/...but not all of "us" are bad i suppose and i need to get that in my skull..i am there to help! Who cares if my accent differs a little ...lol...still, work in progress ☺

Wow...waffle here.
Ohhh...& the most important thing i happened to miss so far - your 100 days g free! Now that is something hun! You are going through tough time by the sounds of it but holding it all together and carrying on is really admirable. Really happy for you...don't look back and always remember - we cannot win because we cannot stop!

Hugs and respect girl!

Please don't worry ok and keep your chin high while you walk the walk of life. You're worth best things in life

S x

100 days LB, well done you, great achievement,

Didn't see the 99 balloons fly by, but what is more important is too see that 3 figure :)))) well again on your hard work.

OAUs is the way to keep going. And you are doing just fine :))))

suzanne xxx.

Happy Easter LB, peace to your heart and soul

S x

Hai LB,

Has the pony taken up all your time and hoofed your thoughts our of your head?

I'm planning the ' whole 30 ' plan on the 17th of this month. I've a reunion next week for a jolly, so will probably need it.

Anyway I trust your well and being good

I get your post.

re, your pony. I do have a good horse story I'll share one day. My horse riding days was a short lived correar, shame it wasn't with the gambling.

Anyway, enjoy the sand. Have a gamcare detox and breathe easy. Easy....

Thanks for the posts Alan, Sandra, Suzanne and Paul. I've not been around and have been seriously neglecting this diary and so I'm sorry that I haven't replied.

I wasn't coming on here today...in fact, I don't think I was planning on coming back here for a while but Paul posted and I replied and now it's got me feeling all emotional, so I want to put something down. I don't even really know what I've got to say but I am crying so somethings going on. I've been avoiding you dear diary.Purposefully avoiding you. It started when all the arguements were going on about 2 camps and differences of opinions and it's kind of continued from there. Maybe it's just stirring up too many questions and emotions for me....I've been trying to tell myself that it's not all about change but life is also about acceptance.Maybe there are some things I can't change about myself, and I just need to accept somtimes I think the way I think, I am the way I am and stop looking for reasons and answers and just bloody get on with it. I'm sick of asking why? I'm sick of thinking and questioning.I don't even really have any huge burning issues to deal with....so why torment myself. Pull up my big girl pants and get on with it. So why do I keep thinking about gambling...why are the slots calling...when will this ever be over? Oh yeah, it won't. Maybe that's it. I don't f*****g know, but I'm sick of it.

The biggest question...the one that I would really like the answer to and then life would be rosy....why do I keep reapeating the same mistakes? Not just with gambling (although I did order a new bank card yesterday with the sole intention of opening a new account when it arrives) but with everything? Food....I'd followed the Whole 30 and felt absolutely great. Now I'm back to eating S****e again. Why can't I stick to anything? Is it just willpower? Why isn't feeling good enough motivation to keep doing something? I feel so much better when I'm not gambling. Life is less stressful, I'm at peace and I feel good about things. So why am I even listening to the devil on my shoulder? And I really don't feel that it's anything from my past or that I'm stressed or having a bad time at the moment. I've got nothing to run away from and everything to run towards, but still that pull is there. It makes no sense and yet I keep trying to make sense of it. 'm sick of listening to myself going over and over the same thing. Sigh.

Ok, I've unloaded.Do I feel better? No, not really. But at least I came on and put something down which probably means something.

LB x

No tears LB, deep breath & look for the positives! Change sucks, guilt sucks, eating poo sucks but it's all part of the rich tapestry of life...Progress not perfection remember!

Hai LB,

This is only my unthought out humble. But, maybe by bring a caring person, you take to much on board, with other people's drama's. I think, sometimes, when friends/ family see a caring person, the human nature in them dumps there trash on the caring soul. It's a bit of inadvertent mind playing. For me ' selfish in recovery ' is such a hard concept but I do agree with it.

If you get on a plateau your comfortable with, well stick on it, untill you feel other wise. Sometimes the shovel gets blunt, so stop digging as there's no more nuggets to dig.

It's a bi.tch being human sometimes, but hai, that's all we are. I agreed with the post sent to me, sticking ones head in the sand, isn't a bad thing, we're not designed to think all the time, we're not designed to work, there's lots of things, we're not designed for. The only thing I can think of what we are designed for is to play and to not take life so serious. It's hard in our society as so many external pressures we need to adhere too......

Regret Nuffin and tears heal.... so true.

And not sure whether I agree with Odaat, eating poo, doesn't necessarily suck!! So much for my cyber detox

Hi LB , Missed you being around and glad your back to post !.

You know I'm going to agree with Deano but of course we are from one of those different camps you spoke of !.

Thinking about gambling ? Yeah , I still do thats for sure but I tend to just look at it a bit differently these days and that just goes back to me accepting that I can't gamble anymore , no struggles with my inner self and no silly mind games going on , so all's good in terms of acceptance .

I have to be like that simply because I would still love to gamble , it's something I've done for 35 + years and has up until the last few given me pleasure , so to completely abstain it's not supprising that your going to crave it to some extent but I know have to totally realise I can't go back to that place again .

I seriously think that if you can have that sort of mindset , it takes so much pressure off yourself , look for other things that can give you satisfaction but be understanding that particular avenue has been closed off , maybe a strange way of looking at it for some on here but it works for me .

The other point about looking for answers as to why we do things , well I'm again proberbly going to upset others (but nothing new there then) but I feel a lot look for stuff simply for an excuse as to why ? maybe to find justification about what they've done my take on it , is that were just human , we make mistakes because were not perfect but because we have flaws we also have the capability to learn from past mistakes and make changes but thats just me , I haven't got a terrible past life that I was trying to escape from by gambling , sure things happened that maybe I used gambling to push feelings to the back , death of loved ones , divorce but nothing horrific , I know there are many on here who have had a bad life and I'm in no way saying that they are looking for excuses, I don't even begin to understand how that must feel and can only sympathise , with me I know why I gambled , simply it gave me pleasure but then took over my life and turned me into not a nice person ,no point in looking for answers to something that doesn't require one, ( but again thats just about me ).

I feel from your post's not just today but past ones as well that you don't deal or feel comfortable with conflict that well , just my humble opinion and apologies if I'm wrong ? but simply put " It happens " , all the back and forth going on with the forum is really just a difference of opinion , to which were all entitled to have , sure it gets a bit heated at times but maybe thats a good thing as you don't sit with feelings that fester ? , you can't please all of the people all of the time and TBH I stopped trying that years ago as it never works , it's just life and just a debate , if you feel it doesn't concern you then no need to worry or get involved but also a bit like life , if you want to get stuck in , then add a comment , no right or wrong just opinions and more importantly , your choice .

My opinion for what it's worth , follow you gut instincts and only you know whats right or wrong !.

Take care LB and great to hear from you !

Alan x

Hi L.B.

Yes, you did come on. Yes, you did put something down and yes, it does mean something. Echoing Kelly. Easy does it... joanxxx