Every Day Is A Second Chance

Thanks for replying you lovely lot. The kindness of strangers has me crying again. I only came on to say I've read your replies and I'll get back to you all. Can't do it now as my head's not in the right place but I've taken something form each of you. Something's brewing cause I'm crying again but I honest to God would say I'm ok and nothings going on, so I'm totally lost. Nothing's happen, everything's ok, I'm happy, I'm not stressed and yet I feel that I'm on a path to wanton destruction.Just stocked up on chocolate and wine and have ordered a new bank card....my unholy trinity. In the past I've only ever self destructed on impulse but it's like I'm planning it this time.Who does that? On the plus side, I'm putting it on here which is a big difference to my previous falls from grace.Maybe this will give me some distance from it. I'd shake myself if I could....but it's almost like a feeling that I need to purge. A big binge and then I can get back on the straight and narrow. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else. It may just be that's because that was always the pattern in the past. I guess that could be it...I always went with the feelings, acted on them,and only stopped when I felt crappy enough and all the money was gone. It always felt like a relief for that last spin to be over and the gig was up. Maybe there's somthing in there somewhere. These feelings could be about learning new behaviors. And about acceptance. I don't think I've fully accepted that I'll never gamble again. I think I have and then the urges come and slap my round the face with a wet fish and then I start thinking and questioning which makes me want to go back to the comfort of those old behaviours...the perfect negative cycle.

Ok, well. I've posted again.The wine is unopenend and the chocolate was only a small bar. The card hasn't arrived and I can shred it again. I could have gone through the joint account but I knew that wasn't something I will ever do again and so that thought didn't linger.I'm looking at it all in advance rather than after. These are all positives which I'm going to hold onto.

And just as I typed that last line, the sun came out. Maybe it's a sign. Thanks again everyone x

No reason's at all sometimes when we cry and I'm not too much of a man to admit that I've shed bucket loads over the past months and at times with no visable trigger , so a bit of advice from the old bloke " Let it flow " , its just natures way of release and we all know what bottling things up does to us CG's ?.

Sending you some cyber tissues , a big hug and some more flowers coz your others must be frazzled by now !

Look after you LB x

So, yesterday turned out to be an important day. I came on to while away some time and saw Paul's post asking how I was. I could have just ignored it but something made me answer. Fate? I'm hoping it was more a concious choice. The tears were about realising that people care. Other than my husband no-one knows about my gambling (and yes, I know that might not be the best way to deal with things but that's how I'm doing it for now) so to feel that someone had taken the time and had enough of a connection with me to wonder where I was sparked something. I knew I'd been avoiding this forum, largely because I was planning to gamble. I'd been telling myself that I'd have £50 and I'd be in control. This time it would be different....I was different....it would be a bit of boredom relief. Nothing more, nothing less. Letting it all out yesterday was the first time I've actively stopped myself from gambling. In the past once the seed was sown it felt like there was no way back. Once I'd made the decision (often very impulsively) to "have a ching" good sense, reason, logic all went out the window. I'd binge and then get back on the wagon. I'd had agreements with Mr.LB and my counsellor that I'd contact them if I felt the urge and I could always have come on here, but I never did. I don't think I wanted to be stopped. I only stopped when the money was gone and I felt like a scumbag again....and that was a huge realisation for me yesterday.

Because somehow, there's something in that for me. Being motivated by unhappiness, fear, self loathing. Seems like I'm more of a stick than a carrot kind of girl. Way back in the day before I began this journey to change I wrote a journal. I read it yesterday evening. There's a bit where I ask myself what I think my husband would think about me if he knew about my gambling and I've written " he'll think I'm a lowlife, a scumbag, a worthless piece of S****e, a drain on our family . A waste of space who has no self control. He'll hate me". The truth is that's not how he felt when I told him, but that's how I felt about myself. Since then, and throughout counselling, I've worked towards changing that view. I don't thnk of myself like that anymore, but after a binge I still go to a negative state more along the lines of " how can you keep doing this, why don't you ever learn, this has got to stop, I feel so unhappy". Those are very powerful ways of motivating myself. When I feel like that I'm so miserable for a while, that I do stop. I want to move away from those horrible feelings. But after a while, those feelings fade and as I get more distance I start to feel ok about myself, and then good about myself and then I lie that things are different. So, my big lesson was that motivating myself by pain, fear, unhappiness don't work. Not in the long run. I don't have to know why I do that, I just have to recognise that I do it. The learning for me now, is how to change that to motivating myself from a more caring, supportive place. That's the work in progress. It's alien.I've never done it. As far as I can remember it's always been a stick.Need to lose 5lbs? Tell myself I'm a fat, ugly, worthless pig. Cut down drinking? Tell myself I'm a lush with no self control and I'll die from liver failure.Stop gambling? Tell myself I'm an idiot who deserves all I get because I know what to do and just don't do it. Hate myself into making myself change.

I'm not totally sure how I change it all yet....but I think really realising it has been another jigsaw piece slotted into place. I also have decided to cut myself some slack (yay!). Although I feel like I've been battling this for ever, I'm only a hundred odd days into this stretch gf. Just because I've tried and failed a few times does not mean I am forever doomed to failure. Just because all the other times I've said (and really meant) that this is it, doesn't mean that this time can't be the time that I finally come good. As the ever wise Kelly pointed out, thinking about it and doing it are different things. Planning it in advance was really my only choice because that's the triangle in action. Shredding my card has given me the breathing space to decide I don't want to f**k up again.Long term I don't want to rely on the triangle. I want to not want to gamble. But at the moment, I have to accept that it's still got a pull and if I keep sticking with it and adding life to the days, then the pull will weaken. And also, I don't have to keep asking myself why do I like it. I know how and why I got caught up in it all. I used it as an escape to deal with all the loss in my life and actually it was very effective. Now I don't need it anymore, as I've processed all of that stuff, but it's left habitual tracts in my brain that haven't healed over yet. The first signs of stress etc and those old habits fire right back up.

So, that's me today dear diary. No tears, feeling clearer, grateful to this place, and pleased with myself that I didn't crack. What a difference a day makes.

LB x

Simply ! " WELL DONE YOU " , youv'e worked through another Shi.tty phase, made a rational desicion about the way you want to live your life, so I'm sending heartfelt congratulations on a perfect choice !!!!!.

Whoooooooooooooooooooo,hhhhhooooooooooo Luvely Bird's back in the room !!!!!! LOL ! xx

"Warm and fuzzy" sounds all good to me LB , I'm ok for tissues thanks and I explained to Louis yesterday that I've moved on to loo rolls now because of the amount of blubbing I've done over the last few months , you know that saying " You look ugly when you cry " ? well it's much worse when you start off ugly I can tell you ! LOL .

Glad your back too ! x

Afternoon "Luvvvelly one " Noticed flying around the forum again and that's great to see !.

Sounds as though youv'e reached a few conclusions about yourself ? and I think eventually the penny starts to drop ( maybe the wrong phrase because of why were all here ) LOL ! , deep down I think we all really know what our triggers or causes are but that we maybe try and look for something else to push the blame on , we are what we are , very complex little bug.gers to start with and plus with all the rubbish we pick up going through life , it's no wonder we strugggle to" find ourselves " , I've personally stopped worrying about it , I'm 55 so possibly another 15 / 20 years in reasonable health if I'm lucky , so I'm sure as hell not going to spend any more precious time looking for answers that maybe I don't need to be looking for , I'd rather be living in ignorant bliss and focus on enjoying my new gamble free life .

So yes , in answer to your post , I'm feeling strong , positive and in good form , sure tears along the way but thats life's kettle , boiling away and letting off the steam to relieve the pressure of our day to day live's ( I don't blub everyday , just to clarify ) ! LoL ,I don't want you to think I'm sobbing every waking moment LOL !. Right of to find tthe tissues again !

Have a great weekend LB and look after you ! x

"Attack the day. Do not let it attack you"

I love that x

Hi LB, and thanks yes you could be right about the testing thing , I know I really don't feel as though I want to gamble at all , it's more about me wanting to see if those feelings of being in a bookies still hurt but it could also be about me feeling almost a bit coc'ky , almost a bit "Oh it can't hurt me know " attitude ? , but I know full well just how much it can hurt me , so maybe no testing then eh ? . Just noticed Dans just posted to me so he must have heard his name being mentioned , LOL !

Have a good one LB and thanks . x

A very quick fly by diary as I really should be somewhere else already. The card came yesterday...I shredded it straight away. Just as well, as today I feel like I'm skating on thin ice. Nothing major...just life's ups and downs but a real feeling of wanting to switch off from it all this morning. That "Ffs, could I just have a day without sonething going to on to worry about?"...life's rich tapestry and all that jazz.

It's also occurred to me that maybe I'm finding it hard because this is the first time I've dug deep and kept going. Countless times I've got to 100 odd days (6 months once) for the urge to strike and I'd be back at square one. So this time I'm resisting and I thought it'd be gone by now...and realistically it does go....but then it comes back. So I'm on a small steps day. Slowly slowly and grateful for barriers right now. xx

LOL ! " Little round hairy thing's " ? , How very dare you !! Huge round hairy thing's if you don't mind young lady , LOL !.

It's ok I'm sorted now , just one of those silly feelings that come and go throughout this recovery malarky , much like you above and your feelings , they just pop along without an invite and invade your life for a while , all the time we can run off and not deal with it by gambling it proberbly doesn't have any real meaning but now it's a whole new ball game dealing with things and facing them head on .

Were all the same LB in that we just have to keep dealing with stuff as it arises and ODAAT , as you said " Slowly slowly and gratefull for the barriers " , which proves it all works when in place .

Have a great day and thanks for all the input , it means a lot .

Best wishes Alan x

Yesterday, I opened a new account with a free £10, no deposit bonus. I told myself it didn't count as it wasn't my money and it was no different to playing the free slots. Quite how I did it I don't know, but by yesterday evening I'd got the balance up to over £150 and it was withdrawable....so, I withdrew it. 2 hours later I reversed it and lost the lot. So, my day count is back to day 1.

I initially tried to convince myself that it didn't really count. I didn't deposit...none of it was "real" money...but the truth was it was real. I could have had that in my account, so it was real. But, as ever, it's not about the money.

Nothing changes, if nothing changes. True. Most of this binge felt like all the others...

I did it to de-stress

I kept telling myself I'd stop (10 more spins, play down to £80, as long as I don't lose it all, I'll just get the free spins and then I'll stop)

The highs of the bonus round and the lows of not getting it

The hours wasted

Waking up thinking about it and feeling bad this morning

Not being able to stop until it was all gone

The sinking feeling of resetting my days

However, some (important) things were different...

I never considered using my joint account card

It didn't turn into a hundreds/thousands of pounds binge

I'm not desperately looking for a way to make it back

I know why I did it

I may be going round the same cycle but the period in between is getting longer and the binge was much shorter

I'm not saying it's ok (it's not) but I'm feeling ok. I refuse to beat myself up over it. More lessons learned.

LB x

Morning LB , No lectures because you've heard them all before ? but two things " Blocks " and you know what you said to me the other night about coming on here before acting on a whim ? , well same apply's to you missy , so next time you get that urge and or feel stressy then talk ! , thats what were all here for , to help each other when we feel low or stressed or you just want a rant , it worked for me the other night and were really no different are we ? .( sorry this is turning into a lecture ) LoL ! but just take it as another experience and learn from it , its done, so back to being the work in progress that we all are !.

Take care Luvvvelly Bird and be kind to yourself x

Hi lb

I was sorry to hear about the slip. Glad it was small and that you seem to have snapped back out of the fog

Surprising as you have the awareness to suggest someone who would be free from it

Seems like a build up of stress leading to impulsiveness and escapism.

Might be a good time to non-judgementally assess what happened.

Mindfulness v helpful for compulsive tendancies

Best

Louis

Hi LB , just wrote a big post to you and MR stupid put it on his own diary !!! x

Hai LB,

I think the following is a AA line - A head full of recovery and a belly full of booze! I wonder what the GA equivalent would be? Yet, maybe and possibly this is denial talking, but it's part of the process and you are indeed experiencing longer periods between ' f**k it ' binges. But then maybe that's cop out talk.

Maybe, your even becoming more awake...and now there's an element of sorrow in realising that what you've been processing was always at the tip of your nose, and your journey in self awareness has taken some unnecessary routes.

It's great becoming self aware, but does that full fill one or open the eyes about what's been missed, hence losing the balance between the past and the future.... Find your feet again, and find great fulness about the present..

Regret Nuffin and being happy with your lot lead to the same.. Easy Street

If you find them directions, feel free to pass them on