Every Day Is A Second Chance

Hi LB

Ask away about ACT - whenever you want. I'd rather questions in a few year's time than feel obliged to respond quickly

I should admit to cowardice. Firstly for suggesting to you mindfulness when I really wanted to suggest ACT. Mindfulness seemed more socially acceptable.

Secondly, for doing a classic 'offering the bible when they're down' (not that u were that down, just had a slip, but u get my point)

I've got 3 friends onto ACT (non-addicts) and they're very into it and its helping them lots. So I find it harder to bite my tongue knowing its wider effectiveness.

The demons on the boat sums up pretty well how I've changed since moving away from being dominated by fear, largely due to ACT. I've still got a long way to go but its reassuring to know I'm moving towards my potential.

Sense with you that you're fundentally more at one with yourself so maybe no need for major change. But as I said before, you are somewhat compulsive, as we all are on here, and so ACT would help hugely

Anyway, god, stop me now....thanks for asking about baba. Touched you would remember. There's 2 months to go. Everything's great. I'd probably be more in denial but thankfully my gf's got this rather large bump to remind me. Last night there was major prodding evident on the outside of my partner's belly. It was mental knowing that was coming from the inside. Brilliant, awe, emotion.

Xx

Lol LB, the serene homestead you described sounds lovely. Unfortunately, not the case. I did get a chuckle out of your version of what a hopper might be used for. No worries ever about opening up a can of worms where I'm concerned and as for my brain and volumes of thoughts and emotions... Well, that's just me. Always happy to hear from you!

Just heard this and want to get it down on here as it feels important but I'm not sure why...

"When you focus on one thing, you lose sight of the bigger picture and you go off course"

Morning diary. Busy weekend with lots of family time. All's good. Feeling on track...I've been busy putting together a few more things and feel like I'm edging ever closer to the clarity that I've been searching for. As before, I've felt my anxiety rising with the going's on amongst these pages but have been trying hard to let it wash over me. Still not sure why it upsets me so much, I guess I just don't have a very thick skin, but I'm not going to let any of it throw me off track. I'm going to quietly keep working towards my own recovery.

I've been reading about the four stages of competence. It was actually an article relating to learning a new skill...the idea that there are four stages you go through when you learn something new....

Stage one- Unconscious incompetence. You don't know how to do something and you may not even necessarily realise that you don't know or that it's something you need to learn.

Stage two- Conscious incompetence. You still don't know how to do something, but you at least realise that you don't know how to do it and you understand that there is value in learning the new skill. It's something you want to do, even if you're not sure how. Lots of mistakes are made in this stage, which can be seen as integral to the learning process. Learning from those mistakes is important, but making mistakes is to be expected.

Stage three- Conscious competence. You now know how to do that something that you've been practicing, but doing it consistently requires a lot of concentration and hard work at this stage.

Stage four-Unconscious competence. By this stage you have so much practice of a skill that it becomes second nature...you no longer have to really think about it and you can do it easily. You also have enough skill and knowledge to teach it to others.

So, I was reading about it in relation to dressage riding, but it is applicable to any new skill (learning to drive, ride a bike etc can all be viewed in this way). It got me thinking can it also be used to change habits and behaviours and I was looking at in relation to my gambling....and I think I can relate it to that.

Definitely at first my gambling was at stage one. I didn't recognise it as a problem and didn't realise I needed help. Then came stage 2...I recognised it and knew it was something I wanted to learn how to stop.Maybe I'm still in this stage...mistakes are integral to the learning process and happen often. And this part reminds me of Duncs revolving door idea. I'm thinking that this stage is where a lot of us spend quite a bit of time as we keep going back over and over, slowly learning the lessons and ingraining them in our minds. Some people are quick learners and whizz through this stage. Some on here have done all of this stage of learning before they join (I doubt there's many on her who have only made one successful attempt at giving up).Occassionaly, I think I've reached stage 3 and that's def where I'm working towards now. And stage 4? Well, that's a way down the line for me yet, but it's not out of my reach.

So, maybe this is part of the answer to my question of why do I repeat the same mistakes? I feel that I slowly circled down into compulsive gambling (it certainly wasn't an overnight thing) and I'm slowly circling back up out of it, if that makes sense. Each recent episode has been shorter, with much more restraint and with much less crossing of lines ( no lies, no money spent which wasn't mine etc). I'm not excusing them, I'm not justifying them, I'm just trying to make sense of them. And this model seems to make a bit of sense to me.

Anyway. Onwards and upwards. The sun's not shining and it's bleeding freezing, but I'm still as happy as a clam 🙂

LB x

LOL ! A deli , cakes and coffee's , Moi ? LOL !

I won't mention the name of the shop on here ,otherwise I'll have a line of skint gamblers looking for a bag of scraps but my son's name is Richard and I once said to him that if he ever took over the family buisiness I'd insist on it being called

" FISHY DIC.KS " , quite a ring don't ya think ? and your post ( great by the way ) and I'm really glad your not hyperventilating over the weekend's banter on here but " Happy as a Clam " ? I though Clam's were very " Shellfish " , not you" Luvelly Bird " eh ? .

xx

Hi LB, thanks for your as always kind and up supportive words, they always make sense lol.

Strange but at the beginning of the year my life seemed to slowly get busier and busier with family, and life, and has just got more consuming, (maybe I have joined the real world in full now lol) but what I am saying and I hope this helps you, is that as we progress back more and more into real life I found gambling got further and further away from my mind, other stuff has taken over at this time and I hope it stays like that lol, am sure as you go further down this road, you will feel the same, it is all about moving forwards and it really is one day at a time, and I totally understand about the why this and why that, (still don't have the answer girl) but I don't worry about it much now, what's done is done, can't change it, but I am moving forwards and just like my debt, am accepting what I did, and am living ok with the scars, hey LB that is progress and positivity,.

You are still doing just fine:)) and I know you are progressing forwards nice and steady, just think when itchy or low/ the worst is over now, and I am never going to go back:)) hope this helps.

Take care and remember to take what you want from here that is positive for you and anything that may make you feel negative just dump it/ditch it,

Take care and keep winning for real.

Suzanne xxx

Hi LB , thanks for the info and as always with you I listen and totally take on board what your saying . I fell that attack on twinks last night was disgusting and feel that whatever has happened in the past is , should be left there if that's the case . In my view last night it was unprovoked and uncalled for and the language used was way over the top , I've also been attacked by HS in the past and am very aware of the anger she has inside but that doesn't excuse her from just being vulgar and rude , it was obviously in response to The news about Dan but her concern should be taken out on admin and not another diarist , I shouldn't have become so involved as I did but things needed to be said and I wouldn't hesitate to come to your defence of words like that were spoken to you . I really appreciate you comments LB and fully understand where your coming from but I just went on the defence because a friend , just like you are to me was being verbally abused . Xx

I find myself ruminating on recent events and I feel the need to get these thoughts out of my head and onto here...put them down and then move on.Try to draw a line. I guess there's a few things. Firstly Dan...I don't love him or loathe him. I can see that he's controversial and heavy handed at times and that it's frustrating when he writes things and then doesn't reply for days. However, I agree with much of what he says but not the way he says it. I can understand his frustration with people who aren't digging to find the reasons why they gamble, as he genuinely wants everyone to suceed in beating this addiction and he sees that as a key to long term success. I know he can be bullish about things, and there are times when I've been offended by what he's written...equally I've found many of his postings useful and he's given me a few really helpful shoves along the way. I don't think he should be moderated, but I would like it if he would be more moderate himself some times.

I have found Twinkly's comments far more upsetting. I have used this diary to try to work out the reasons why I gamble, unravel my thought processes and work a way forward so that I don't keep repeating the same mistakes. Part of that has been sharing some of my deepest thoughts and life experiences. It hasn't been easy and I have always been aware that other people may read them. I'm not entirely comfortable with that, but I've told myself that this is a safe, non-judgemental place that I can use to work through some of the S****e. Until recently, that had always been the case. But twinkly's comments a while back about the glorification of people with seriously nasty stuff going on their lives touched a nerve. I don't class myself as having a hugely traumatic past, but it made me want to retreat and not share so much. And if I felt like that, how did others feel...especially those who were feeling really low, or who had a lot to address.This was the first post that I'd seen that had out and out belittled people who were trying to work through their issues, and there was no apology for it. I decided to let it go, but it made me wary and sensitive to other little digs that I noticed. This weekend's comments about a minority who turn this site into a misery laden wet sunday afternoon was another example of a truely insensitive and uncalled for remark. And it wasn't apologised for, and it wasn't challenged by the people it was said to. And that kind of hurt, because it felt like I was being laughed at, ridiculed. A cheap throw away line to amuse her friends but that had me thinking how can I go back and delete my posts. And I don't even think those comments were aimed at me, but I still felt them. As someone who'd recently talked about an assault I'd suffered as a girl, my mind said "does she mean me?" . It upset me personally and it upset me for the other people on here who have opened up and might be feeling the same way. And what I thought about doing on Monday morning was posting to her directly and explaining that it had upset me, but I didn't. Mostly because I was worried about her reaction, but also because I thought I was making a big deal about it. I told myself to grow a thicker skin and that I wouldn't let it stop me.But then I realised that other people were also upset and now I wished I'd approached her. Maybe she really didn't know the affect her words were having? And then it all kicked off and I'm still trying to work out why.

People have said that newbies may have been put off by Dan's posts. That may well be true. But there may well be some newbies who, like me, want to explore the deeper reasons why they repeat this madness called gambling who would have been equally as put off by twinkly's posts.

Are there two camps on here? Them and us? It does seem like that sometimes, and to be honest I'm really not sure which one I'm meant to fall into. I am certainly a person who wants to get to the root of my problem and I have gone over, in depth, a lot of my thought processes. Childhood, death, my sister, my kids, troubles with trout pout, my rage at my destiny playing husband...it's all there. And it's all helped because I feel clearer than ever. And I feel stronger than ever in my fight against the slots. But I also like a bit of banter. Not high fives (I'm pushing 50, my daughter would die a thousand deaths if I ever high fived) but I'm happy with a reserved well done on big milestones, and I like to encourage and support people when I can. I think part of the problem with the high fives is that it can feel like a bit of a private members club, and it's hard to know how to build a connection. And on both sides there's little digs that are kept up, even when the storm has died down and that probably doesn't help. Are real life realtionships and connections more important than the ones on here? Absolutely. But that doesn't mean that I haven't connected with people on this site, and those connections are important and valuable to me. I genuinely want people to do well and I feel saddened when they slip. I like hearing about Al's shop, and I want Paul's move to Kent to work out, and I think Louis will be a great dad, and I'm made up that Suzanne's house has sold, and I hope that Deano doesn't fall off his bike, and I love that Kelly got married and is now sleeping better, and I really wish that Dunc's hadn't left, and I want Sandra to do well, and Joan and P to live happily ever after, and CW's marriage to be strengthened, and Change's baby to get stronger...the list goes on. Maybe that does mean I should get out more!! I do have a rich and fulfilling life but that doesn't mean that I can't also care about the people I've met on here. No, they're not 3D, but they are real people.

So, are there two sides? I don't know. I think there are a lot of people quietly working their own recovery, so maybe there's a middle way? They may be doing counselling or digging deep but not recording it on here. Some are reading books... thinking about and changing what they do. They are questioning themselves. Some aren't, and that's their choice. Some will repeat the same mistakes and never learn from them. I don't know...I'm waffling now.

I can only be me. I can only do what works for me. I'm friends with who I'm friends with. I like people because of the support and encouragement that they've shown me and I try my best to return that to them. I think as a forum, we have a collective resposibility to be sensitive to the feelings of others but I know that in reality that doesn't always pan out.I'm just going to keep trying and hope that everyone else does too.

Thank you for that post LB. You wrote it for yourself but, your words resonated with me and your kind, balanced, healing, (too far? ;)) tone, came through very clearly. Thank you!

Afternoon LB , What a lovely post about your feelings of the past events .

You and I and every person on this forum can only ever be who we are and I imagine that the way we come accross on here pretty much mirrors the way we are in real life but the way we all imagine those we have never met is a feeling unique to ourselves , with a picture built around information weve gathered on here .

It is " Cyberland " and maybe that's a problem because were not facing each other in a room, judging as we speak how the conversation's going , Cyber hugs , high 5s and lol's are just ways of getting accross on here some of the emotion were trying to convey in txt , so maybe it's just that some of the people that come accross as " Miserable " or " depressed" are actually quite happy and jovial but are looked upon that way simply because not including the odd lol here and there makes them seem that way to some ? .

Possibly and this is just my opinion the forum has attracted a more varied group of people who respond more to this kind of approach ? but it's coming accross to others as sniggering or being all happy clappy about them and that seems to rub the " old guard" up the wrong way.,

If I come accross as flippant to anyone on here thats never my intention and I apologise if you or any other has taken offence but the way I live my life is a bit " Jokey " it's the nature of my business that I engage with my customers, most of whom have been coming to me for many years in a friendly manner , there's always lots of joking and banter going on especially at teatimes , I'm assuming Deano's going to be the same in his line of work as there's always plenty of banter on a building site , Deano sent me a link last night from the Alan Partridge show , I won't describe it but check the link out if you want ? to be honest I laughed my sock's off about it and did suggest to him we should splice a clip together of the Meerkat advert where they shout "Alan " it's not being disrepectfull of a person who's been moderated It's laughing about life and the quircky situations we find ourselve's in .

I watched a bit of the " This Morning " programme today and they had some well known Life coaches on there , speaking about unhappiness and depression , There main advice was " To let go of the past " and all those things that are holding you back from being happy now and " Look at the world as a mirror " so if you look out on it in a happy way , smiling and joking through life , those feelings will reflect back into your life and to be honest that's exactly what I've been doing since being here ( and if your reading this , you can thank me later for saving you £ 100 , on a life coach ) :))).

The only thing I can say about the twinklr episode is that obviously I'm not going to argue for and against , thats not my place and I'm sure if she need's to justify herself she will , I defended her the other night simply because what was said about her was disgusting , if someones got a problem with another poster then speak by all means but don't use that sort of langauge on an open forum for everyone else to view , I was about that night and twink's didn't even respond other than to ask HS to stay away from her diary and actually she asked me to stop and " Breath " , It was nothing to do with twink's and I being all buddy , buddy it was about defending someone that was being attacked , which I would do again if you or another member of this forum was being verbally abused in such a manner , I'd like to think I'm an old school ( gentleman ) I use the term loosely ! and some things are right and some are plain wrong .

As alway's there are two sides to every argument b**t as for the " them and us" issue on here , I see it as just a huge difference of opinions , some people are happy to follow a p**d piper and dance to there tune but I'm not I'm afraid , if I enjoy there music I'll have a bit of a " Bop " or maybe a "little jig " but if I don't like the record I'll change it , I'll put my white suit on and dance like "Tony Manero" in "Saturday night fever " and yes I am LoL'ing like mad right now !! :)))

Sorry went on a bit of a ramble then !

Still loved your post though !

Take care LB xx

Hi again , Yes I totally get where your coming from and how you feel about those post's , the crazy thing is that until you just mentioned it I had know recollection of that " wet sunday " post being on my page and I've just been back to check it .

The thing is we really must see certain things through totally different eye's , I've just re read it and all I see is someone describing how they feel someone's mood or opinion is , It to me it is just a descriptive phrase but that being said I wasn't on the receiving end was I ? So I have to be more mindfull of that ! , but even my reply to twinks was along ther lines of " youve got your principles and so have I " but that was more about people as individuals and not a nod of aggreement of the content !.

I even had a laugh ( not at you ) but the fact that you couldn't find that clip funny at that time and with what had just occured and you saying FFs Fella's well , made me laugh even more ! , you see now I feel awfull that you may take that the wrong way ? I hope not as it's just my SOH , the thing that gets me in trouble all the time , the line " Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus " springs to mind , no idea why ? .

Talk to you soon LB as off to find a Large Cod piece now !! ( see I can't stop can I ) , take care and High five the kids for me :))))

XX.

Ps Just Listening to a song which said " Guess from where your standing it's funny but over here I really don't get the joke "

x

Lovely post from the heart LB, it shows how caring and sensitive you are, you have written it so carefully but with true honesty.

Take care and keep strong.

Suzanne xxx

LoL , I'd really love to claim that one for myself but it was actually Oldham ( Martin ) who sent it to me , I was crying with laughter for a couple of hours afterwards , Didn't manage to wee myself though ? ( must try harder ) LOL ! x

Thanks LB, your lovely message and support is much appreciated.

take what you want from here, and there's soo much to learn from here, and discard the stuff that makes you feel negative, as CGs we all feel sensitive and insecure at times, and that addiction just can't wait to jump in at negativity, :((

Look after you, learn every thing you can and more lol, and apart from that you are doing just fine lol, my friend

Suzanne xxx

Juat a very quick flyby dear diary. Feeling very productive today. Realised this morning that a backlog of jobs was really getting to me. Everywhere I looked there seemed to be mess...papers needing sorting, clutter, wardrobes full to bursting, gardening to do, cupboards stuffed with S****e that was never going to get used.The list went on (and on). In the grand scheme of things none of the jobs were the end of the world...they certainly weren't life threatening... but I could feel that they were getting to me. Nagging away. In days gone by that would have been a good excuse to log on and veg out ("this is getting me down", "can't cope", "got to escape" "it's overwhelming") but instead I've spent the whole day sorting, clearing, donating. It feels good! I've got loads done and 2 bags and 3 boxes to go to Oxfam. Go me 🙂 And not a penny or (more importantly) a minute of my time lost to some online slots site. Happy days xx