Every Day Is A Second Chance

Hai LB,

A fly bye ' how you doing ' is always appreciated this end, so thank you.

I read all your posts LB, your a good person, wife and excellent mother. Good on you for all the work you've put in, in your self exploration.

Another interesting post above for me. I need to take note and not let things snowball and deal with things as quickly as they come.

I trust you, your pony and albino squirrel are all having a good b.h Monday...

Hi LB,

Thanks for dropping in and for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I really appreciate the validation. P and I had a difficult talk today but one we needed to have. The band aids like slots and eating when not hungry have caught up with us once again, only this time, for some reason it feels different. I think I have finally made some important connections. P just wants me to be happy and will go along with putting money (we don't have) on a game or giving me a sweet treat ( that I really shouldn't eat). What she didn't know and what I needed to come clean about was that I know. I'm aware of the enabling. Not sure if I'm making sense here. I obsess about things and I know that P knows but I don't think she knew that I knew until today. Anyway P traces some of my possible depression back to when I had a major abdominal surgery 13 years ago! Another major trauma was in 2012 when my brother died. I think I am dealing with things but difficult feelings I guess not so much. Unresolved grief? Anger and resentment towards my mom? Buried neath a layer of what started out as a need to control everything has turned into full blown obsessive compulsion. When I'm idle and I find myself catastrophizing I reach for the morphine in the form of a slot or some food. Anyway, I bet you wish you never asked. Lol! It's not a great day but it's gonna get better. Rome wasn't built in a day and we have a long way ahead of us but, I think we have finally gotten to the bottom of it. It's only upwards from here - I hope. So sorry for the ramble on your diary LB. -joanxxx

Thanks for your last few posts LB, really gratefully received.

In short, ACT doesn't allow for changing of the demons. But it changes our relationship with these 'demons', so that they're not as demonic as they seem.

It's fundamentally about acceptance but treats thoughts and emotions a bit differently.

You mentioned 'I'm rubbish and useless'. An example of a recurrent thought. ACT uses something called defusion here. The mind has 1000's of thoughts an hour/day whatever. The problem lies when you start 'believing' them as fact. Rationally they're not fact they're opinions, which change with the weather. ACT has many specific techniques (which only work if you try them, I know they sound stupid).

Example - recurrent thought of 'I'm a useless person' (*insert whatever recurrent thought is appropriate). Say this in your head and really buy into it.....Notice how you feel.......This time, say say to yourself 'I'am noticing I am having the thought I am a useless person'. Notice if that feels different. Or, better, say the same thought in your head but in the voice of homer simpson (or any funny character - I like Alan Partridge). Notice how you feel. Chances are that thought doesn't quite bite in the same way. There many more exercises.

Regarding feeings - I think I mentioned this before, but feelings have a corresponding physical sensation. That burning sensation in your cheeks, constriction in throat - non-judgementally try and focus on the sensation, can you visualise it, does it have texture, could you draw a line around it? Make space for the feeling - make it as big as you can. I've found incredibly and instantly useful. It needs to be explained properly - and in my case I needed practice before I really knew I had such sensations. As addicts we spend huge amount of time being dictated to by feelings we're scared to have.

These techniques are absolutely not designed to STOP difficult thoughts and feelings. Rather to allow them. It's the STRUGGLE which is the problem. It's futile to stop difficult thoughts and feelings - and it's demoralising when it doesn't work...another 'failure'.

But - these techniques are absolutely not a means to an end. The most important part of ACT is defining what your core values are and......then taking committed action to live according to those values, which includes setting goals. Put very simply, the purpose of ACT is to live life according to who the person is you really want to be.

I found defining my values to be interesting and something I'd never thought of before. Our values aren't necessarily our weaknesses. But often they're related. For example, what hurt me about my lack of social confidence/self consciosness, was that I value social contact massively. Deep down I'm outgoing and care free. So this was a focus for me. I would set a goal of, for example, organise a night out with my GFs friends. My instinct would be a) make excuses why it shouldn't happen (thoughts) or b) feel uncomortable (feelings), as above, that's when the techniques come in. Practicing mindfulness without acting according to my values doesn't work.

ACT is naturally in a lot of people - you might well be naturally inclined (My GF is more naturally values focused). But I find it really helpful to have a structure when I've gone awry like I did. I would recommend the Happiness Trap - it's warmly written and interesting. It can be a challenge as it offers an almost complete code to sorting your life out. Which if we've invested in 'habits' can be daunting.

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to explain more.

Best

Louis

Hi LB

That's great news. I'd be interested to know how you get on - good or bad (I'm confident you will like but I'm not precious -it works for me and that's the main thing). I've got quite a few friends onto ACT. They often lost/repressed 30+ (self included!) but I believe it's equally effective at all ages/issues. The adult version of GOOYLAIYM is kind of the classic ACT as it's by the main guy who's behind it - slightly more workbook like but excellent. Both that and HT are both written with great warmth.

Louis

Went on the online chat last night. Think it was fairly clear that I didnt have a clue what I was doing! I seemed to spend more time accidentally logging myself out than actually in the room and I kept forgetting that I needed to press the key to save it, but by the time I realised it seemed too late to say it so I'd delete it. Never mind...I'm sure I'll improve if I give it another go.

Morning diary. Have realised lately that how I use my time has an important role in my recovery. If I sit about, procrastinating, thinking about all the things that need to be done I get overwhelmed and then can't be bothered to do any of them. I can overwhelm myself into feeling down, and then nothing gets done and I end up feeling worse with the endless list of jobs still swirling in my head. On the other hand, if I'm constantly on the go...rush, rush, rush...doing 10 different things at once...not sitting down for a minute I end up feeling shattered, snappy and under-appreciated. I'm talking normal, run of the mill household jobs and just day to day life stuff. Not brain surgery or rocket science, nothing that's life or death so not stuff that I really need to get stressed about. But I've noticed that it does stress me. And this is important to my recovery because it's when I'm feeling either overwhelmed from procratinating or stressed from going all out that I want to switch off from those feeling with some online slots. When all the "big" things in life are going ok and my mind is feeling calm about them, it's the little day to day things that still give Mr. G an opportunity to worm his way into my thoughts. Hah, but I'm onto him and I'm not falling for it. I've been striving for balance these past few weeks. Doing a few things, crossing some jobs off the list, not looking at the whole picture of all that needs to be done but breaking things down into smaller manageable bits, acknowledging that I'm getting stuff sorted and accepting praise for it and balancing that out with some relaxation, watching a bit of TV, reading, whatever takes my fancy. Unsuprisingly, I'm feeling much better for it. Calm, productive..."sorted". Balance is the key.

LifeBegins x

Hi LB,

Thank you for your post the other day ☺. Don't feel like posting on here yet, and just maybe will never feel the same again but d**n what a lesson learned!
Alcohol plays big part in all of this but i am not even starting to excuse myself. I know my wrongdoings, i accept them, i learn from them.

Well look at you and your wonderful thoughts! We do learn every day huh..behaviours, reactions to situations, time filling and so on. Balance is definitely needed, without it life becomes sickening "yo yo" game..finding that middle is deffo the key, soon little daily things will only make you proud that you have to witness them. ..ya never know ya might even find joy in cleaning pony's mess ;-)..

Anyway, just wanted to thank you for keeping open mind, being yourself and helping others on a way to better lives. You are another gem on this life - keep on shining ☺

Stay safe & keep smiling

S x

Hi LB

Thank you for the lovely post. One of the things that has helped me and can see its something you are looking into is ACT. Louis was kind enough to send me a copy of the happiness trap and I am slowly reading and putting some of the exercises into practice. I am only part way through but I am currently working the exercises for defusion and expansion. Acceptance is a big part of ACT but its also about connecting with your values and taking action. Hope you get alot of the book. I remember Louis sending it and I was wary of just blitzing through the book without actually taking anything in and applying it. I must of left it on my bedside table for a good few weeks but picked it up and just started reading. I would say don't worry too much about trying to follow it letter for letter but just read through it with some patience.

I wish you happy reading 🙂

Rob

Ok, so now I'm even more confused...

Uncle George, if you're reading this, I just left a message on your diary but nothing has come up on the front page. I'm no technical whizzkid so I really haven't got a scooby what's going on (are you being moderated...does that delay things?...or have you deleted your diarys but I can still post?). Anyway, it really doesn't matter...

I just wanted to say I've seen you popping up here and there and I'm hoping all's good in the hood. How are you? No pressure to reply..just want you to know that I'm saying "hi" 🙂 xx

Hi LB , I'm all good thanks , just needed a bit of time away from the forum as TBH it was all getting to me on here .

Not quite decided if I want or need to start another diary just yet , so maybe I'll just pop up from time to time , I'm still gamble free and really enjoying life at the mo , so to quote one of your's all's "good in the hood " !.

Stopped off and apologised to a few folks that I felt needed one , it's amazing how a couple of weeks break gives you a bit of clarity , so the same goes out to you LB , If I've said or offended you in anyway ? then I'm truly sorry to you .

I hope things are still well for you and your's and your still full of self exploration ? LOL , many thanks for the drop in and I'll catch up with you again soon .

Best Wishes Alan x

LifeBegins wrote:

Went on the online chat last night. Think it was fairly clear that I didnt have a clue what I was doing! I seemed to spend more time accidentally logging myself out than actually in the room and I kept forgetting that I needed to press the key to save it, but by the time I realised it seemed too late to say it so I'd delete it. Never mind...I'm sure I'll improve if I give it another go.

Morning diary. Have realised lately that how I use my time has an important role in my recovery. If I sit about, procrastinating, thinking about all the things that need to be done I get overwhelmed and then can't be bothered to do any of them. I can overwhelm myself into feeling down, and then nothing gets done and I end up feeling worse with the endless list of jobs still swirling in my head. On the other hand, if I'm constantly on the go...rush, rush, rush...doing 10 different things at once...not sitting down for a minute I end up feeling shattered, snappy and under-appreciated. I'm talking normal, run of the mill household jobs and just day to day life stuff. Not brain surgery or rocket science, nothing that's life or death so not stuff that I really need to get stressed about. But I've noticed that it does stress me. And this is important to my recovery because it's when I'm feeling either overwhelmed from procratinating or stressed from going all out that I want to switch off from those feeling with some online slots. When all the "big" things in life are going ok and my mind is feeling calm about them, it's the little day to day things that still give Mr. G an opportunity to worm his way into my thoughts. Hah, but I'm onto him and I'm not falling for it. I've been striving for balance these past few weeks. Doing a few things, crossing some jobs off the list, not looking at the whole picture of all that needs to be done but breaking things down into smaller manageable bits, acknowledging that I'm getting stuff sorted and accepting praise for it and balancing that out with some relaxation, watching a bit of TV, reading, whatever takes my fancy. Unsuprisingly, I'm feeling much better for it. Calm, productive..."sorted". Balance is the key.

LifeBegins x

Balance indeed.

Thanks for the post LB. Yes i do have the map for this addiction but then like that film the 2014 version of the Maze runner, the walls seem to move at times. Logic only works so well with this addiction but there is a pattern to it if your keeping an eye on your recovery. Thanks for the reminder. Tri

Hi LB and thanks for popping over to my diary. Very much appreciated.

Best wishes x

Hello Luvelly Bird , How you doing , all well I hope ?.

Cheeky s0d ! , Shrapnel wound's !! . It all stems back to many moon's ago when as a young teen I'd get bored and me and a few mates would go out to a local dairy farm for a bit of cow tipping ( ever tried it ? ) great fun trying to watch em get up again , anyway I was taken short one night and decided to relieve myself against a fence but I didn't realise it was electrified , so you can guess what happened ! , yep 2000 volts right through the plum bush and into my right hip , they couldn't do much for me at the hospital except use me to trickle charge the ambulance batteries overnight but hey I lived :))) ?.

LOL !! Sorry , couldn't resist ! , yes to answer your question it is arthritis both hips but my right is getting pretty bad now, so suffering a bit just waiting for another hospital appointment for injections again but hopefully I might get it replaced next year .

Ref the diary , well , you know me ? never one to reflect too much or look back for too long was I ?, regret getting rid of some of it but I needed to start focusing all my attention on the future and to be honest it was all getting a bit messy anyway , so out with old and in with the new , hopeing I can keep this one a little less untidy ? .

I've been following you post's to Joan and was thinking how much consideration and empathy went into your responses , something I'd wanted to do was to reply but I can never seem to find the right words , so I feel it's sometimes better for me just to say nothing instead of just blurting something out but it was really touching to feel the love and warmth that went out , so thanks to you for that from me ! .

I think as we get older we all worry over everything It's human nature I suppose , I always think everythings something but it turns out to be an unjustified thought , I often think it would be nice to be born old and grow younger everyday until we dissappear , start with wisdom and knowledge and get less aches and pains everyday , what do you think , LOL ! ? Well thats my crazy noggin talk over for the day so thanks for listening hun , Ha ! Ha ! . 🙂

Hope everythings ok in your world LB , and catch up with you soon !

Uncle George x

Hey Mrs Galaxy ☺

I nearly kicked myself the other day for you having a chocolate n celebration of my post :-(..they're no good for you & you need to listen to GP's instructions!..huh...or, if it is only your own diet you do when c**P the above and enjoy another bar 😉

Thank you for your posts! You have a good insight on people and their emotions...i suppose it's cause you can relate to a lot also. I followed your posts to Joan..really amazing and uplifting thoughts!
You're an amazing lady, tackling your days head on...lookin back but not staring anymore i suppose. We gotta look back because thats what has brought us here and now. Cannot forget the past. I know balance is needed but hard to find it, but, my dear, i think you're trully on the right path there and have accepted a lot of it!...when that happens we start concentrating more on today & tommorow..beauty of life huh...here & now matters the most! ☺

Well done you & keep on keeping on. Life is your oyster - embrace it!

S x

Time to blow the dust off you dear diary...can't believe it's nearly two weeks since I lasted posted here. All's good in the hood, just busy living life and dealing with all the usual ups and downs that we all face. Gambling demons have fecked off (yay!) but have def been feeling a bit of stress these last few days. Nothing unmanageable....kids, traffic (3 hours in a traffic jam monday, grrr), packing for holiday,work problems for hubby, yada, yada...the usual stuff. On the plus side, I've recognised it and am taking steps to de-stress as I know that feeling frazzled is a big trigger for me.So, deep breathing till I almost feint and spending 10 minutes to relax my muscles head to toe.... and relaaaxxxx....are all helping.

Really good to see so much positive energy around the forum and a deep and genuine desire to help each other out.It's a priviledge to be part of such a good group.

LB x

Hello luvelly bird , glad your ok and dealing with life's challenges as they appear before you , was a bit scared I'd seen you off with all my tales of Cow tipping and TBH I was going to pop round yesterday but had a slight pigeon problem in me gaff ! , Don't ask ! .

Anyway I knew you were made of sterner stuff and would resurface at some point , your right about the forum , lots of joy , support and positivity , long may it continue !!!.

Keep breathing in but don't forget to breathe out ?

Later's xx