facing my fears

I to am a new user and have been spending all my spare money on gaming online.

I have just recently started to take a long hard look at myself and i see that i have been putting gambling infront of living. It makes you withdraw from your life, slowly changing you into a totally different person. My desire to do other things has almost vanished.... i have banned myself from almost all sites but then reopen them with a different card.... going round in circles all the time.

Having read through a few posts i can say your not alone of this site.

I hope you feel more positive tomorrow, just knowing that you can not continue on the way you have been going is a big step in its self. It means ones head is no longer in the sand and you can set about getting back the real you!!!!

When I woke up this morning, I felt a dark feeling - will I never be able to play poker again? Why should that thought bring me down? I didn't play poker for most of my life and didn't miss it.

I thought how unfair it was that some people, the big professional poker players can play with no worries and enjoy the game. And I can play it, play well sometimes, actually have won many tournaments - but waste so much of the money I've won.

When I've been playing too much I don't go out of tournaments very gracefully at times either. My alter poker personality is not nice.

No control over spending and emotions in the poker scene.

Madness!! Is that who I am really and poker just brings out the worst in me?

Anyway, it is a beautiful Spring day and I am going to tidy my house, then get out into the garden. My window is open and I can hear the birds singing

Thankyou for your message alimun. Hope you have a good day

Its sounds like you are on the road to accepting what poker does to you and how it makes you feel. Have you tried playing friendly poker without the wager? Your only aggressive because you invest so much time in a tournament, along with the expense that you can not hide your frustration and disappointment when losing.

When i play online i can not stand to have anyone else in the room with me. I do not want to talk to my partner or son and if they come in for whatever reason it makes me angry that they are intruding on my play time. I huff and P**f till i have my own space again... now whats that all about. Its not really how i am normally. So to kind of answer the question of "is this who i really am" i would have to say no... its your addiction/habit/demon whatever you want to call it. Its not the real you at all. You are still there of course but you are just lost Lili.....

Realising its a lovely spring day and opening the window is a good thing... tidying the house is also a positive step which i myself should really be doing but we are needing a lightening bolt to charge me up to get started, but i like your style and i may follow suit later, if not tomorrow. Mondays are great for starting a fresh...

Enjoy the rest of your day also.... i have chocolate so i think i will be ok today 🙂

Well, here I go.

After doing a wee bit of housework and a wee bit of weeding, I telephoned my brother.

His wife said he couldnt come to the phone as he was playing a qualifier for a tournament on the poker site I use, but he would phone me later.

Started me thinking, mm that's a good tourney - good money to win, but I have no money in bank to play and I'm not going to play......but I could go on to the site and watch him play and have a chat to him online. Which I did and of course I had to have a look to see if there were any other qualifiers .. and of course there was one ready to start in 10 minutes.. and I thought.. I wont be able to deposit from my account anyway.. but of course my bank allowed the deposit - it was only £7. So I played the qualifier and won a seat in the tournament which started at 8pm.

Oh, well, I think, maybe I'll win some money. I am doing ok and still in 2 hours later, so now I'm hoping to win money and already thinking how that will help my bank balance etc etc.

So when I do eventually go out of the tournament, I feel so angry. What a horrible feeling that I can't really describe. I blame the bent site - and feel terrible, want to scream and shout....

So glad I have started this diary - helps me to see more clearly. It's having my hopes dashed that upsets me. Hope of winning the money that I need. It's not realistic to expect to win, but I seem to - yet I rarely win anything on line.

I shouldnt have played, but a positive is that it has helped me see just how bad it is for me. I am going to try to block myself from that site. This is something that I never thought I would/ could do

I'd much rather have a hobby that uplifts and not one that brings me down

It's done now. I have excluded myself from the poker site.

So much time is wasted too playing online.

I feel liberated.

I should have done this a long time ago, but just didn't want to let go

Good for you lily,its gonna be tough for you with your family playing all the time...maybe its time to confront them not to encourage you...I downgraded my bank card to cash only and its helped me big time...no debit card = no gambling. ... seemples !!! You can do it lass,we all can,good luck. 🙂

Thanks for your encouragement

have thought about the debit card - but feel I need my debit card for other things, eg paying for flights to visit my son, and for paying my Next account - but no more poker!!!

How good that feels to say that. the thought used to terrify me - now I feel excited at the prospect

Maybes try a pre paid visa card then for your other interests. 😉

Well done Lili for making that massive step and blocking your poker site.

I downloaded the online blocker today, and it works. Its only the 8 day free trial but boy is that going to make hell of a difference.

If your interested its called Betfilter..... had trouble trying to download yesterday, but easy peesey today. It really takes away the temptation of thinking about logging on and playing.... maybe you could think about this also as a safety net.

Hope you are still positive today.... i think its all going to be ok.

Hi lili.

Just read your diary and its great that you have put some blocks in place.I've done the same but gone a bit further in the sense my wife has control over our finances.Helps in the short and long term as the urge will be around...so the more blocks in place the better.

Stay Strong.

Viggo.

Day 5

Didn't post Mon, Tues - day 3 and 4

Finding it hard to post when my husband at home. Haven't told him I'm on this forum. Don't want him to see what I am writing. Can people read these without registering?

Will post later, having difficulty working out our relationship in this.

My husband is a gambler, but in a different place from me.

I will post later and clarify.

Finding this hard now. Sure I will find a way

Hi there, this all new to me as well I know how I was feeling at 11 o'clock today, I HATED myself, I phoned Gam care immediately who gave me some really useful information, after some deliberation, not a lot tho, I downloaded a programme banning me from ANY gambling sites, I hope this helps, I know tomorrow will be a new beginning for me, and next week I will be richer in so many other ways.

Later day 5

Thanks for your message Goldie.

Really struggling today. Did not expect this to be so difficult.

Managed last night not to go play. Planned a night out with my husband. Quite an achievement. I felt so happy when I went to bed last night.

Problem is, my husband plays too and also bets on horses. He taught me how to play poker. He thinks there is nothing wrong with playing, if we play selected tournaments and don't play cash/ slot machines etc.

It's difficult as he has to decide for himself if and how he gambles and I really want to stop it all now.

I really don't know how I'm going to approach this. I felt really sad and frustrated when he was sitting at computer today playing poker game, then betting on his horses.

I actually feel more alone now that I am trying to give up. I don't know what to do.

Anyone able to offer help?

Also I was so unprepared for the urge to play I had tonight - after my resolve yesterday. How to a ride the urges without succumbing?

Lili.sorry to say your always goin to get them urges and wont succeed at this unless you confront your husband in my opinion.best wishes youve come this far in starting your diary and maybe best be honest and tell him about it.you can do it lass we all can.