facing my fears

Hi Lili good to chat tonight and glad things are going well for you.

Hope the weather is fine for you in the capital city of....Inverness is it ??

Thanks for the kind words Lili,i was very relieved when i walked out of the court!!!,years ago i took a bin liner full of clothes to a local charity shop,felt i was doing a good deed:),a few weeks later my wife came home and was well chuffed that she had got me a lovely sweater for a couple of pounds,.......it was one of thejumpers i had donated!!!!.

Seano.

Hi Lili

It was nice to 'meet' you yesterday i hope that Monday eve was the start of all good things for you.

TC

Stay Strong

Kim x

Hi Lili,

Great news about your husband and it sounds like you had a lovely 'normal' night. It's amazing what we all miss out on when we are in the grips of gambling, life is so much better and easier without it.

Stay Strong

Steve

P.s I hear Sue Ryder is the new Ralph Lauren so don't worry!!!

Day off today. Got up around 10 ish. My husband was already up, but wasnt at work. He was sitting playing a poker game on broke lads, using up what was left of the money he put in his account on Saturday ( I checked up and £180 had been deposited last week and bet on various horses - no money given to me! no wonder he said he wasnt going to bet on horses again!!) There was only £10 left. His game went on till after 2 0'clock and he went out without a prize!

I'm fed up P***y footing around the issue, so I've been telling him ( or "moaning" at him - as he puts it) what I think. I really needed - well WE needed him to be giving me that money. It is not fair that I am paying everything out of my wage - with little left over and he goes squandering £180 - I can't afford to but myself new clothes at the minute and I need some. Also I don't know where the spending money is going to come from for our holiday at end of this month. I have only one more payday before we go. He keeps agreeing with me and saying things will change - but they won't unless he changes them. It's so frustrating - he knows he's wasting our money - he said it's exciting betting on the horses in the bookies - so I said I could give him some excitement if he stopped!!! Two people can't keep a marriage going succesfully and happily unless they are both going in the same direction.

Lili youve every right to feel frustrated by your husbands actions....every time you seem to be getting somewhere "boom" he does it again...from my own experiences this will continue until he realises what hes doing and come to his senses.,it cant be easy for you in your position...anyways sorry cant give much more advice...main focus stay strong yourself..best wishes your doing a great job...wp

Looking forward to my 2 days off again. Don't have any issues regarding urges to play poker, and I can't say I'm missing the game at all - always kept me up really late and any highs were not worth the subsequent lows. Can't think why I needed highs and lows through gambling as my life without gambling has plenty of them anyway - and I get to keep my money!

My eldest son told me the other night that he and his gf are seriously thinking of coming back to Scotland to live - and if so could they stay with me until they get settled. Of course they can. He said it is the right time for them to come back.. and of course the door is always open to go back there. His gf is Spanish and they can always go back any time. It will be quite an upheaval for them, but they are young and both have lived here before. I'm happy they will be here as I miss them all - wish my house was bigger though, but we will manage. Will be good to have wee grand -daughter here too.

He says if they are coming it will be before Xmas -so lots to look forward to!!

Hi lili, it's good news that your eldest son and family are going to move back to Edinburgh (who could blame them!). They will take your mind off your husband. You will also have your grand daughter with you, that will be special. Russ

Have been playing my guitar last night and today. Hadnt played it for 3 years. My left hand fingers are beginning to blister, but they will soon toughen up again. Had a wee sing this afternoon, gave me yet another reason to stop the silly smoking.

Going to open mike tonight - which is on every Monday during the festival, so if I can just overcome the confidence problem I will do a couple of songs. I used to get up without a care but I seem to have the wobblies now. But time to take the proverbial bull by the horns - blistered fingers or no!!

Good on you lili...hope youve enjoyed yourself 🙂 great news about your son coming home...maybes get him on the council list ? Theyve built loads new houses lately have they not ? ...best wishes we can do this 😉

Hi lili

Thanks for dropping in on my diary, hope you are well, families are far more important than gambling thats for sure. I just wished i gave up gambling sooner than i did!

Anyway will have to have a proper catch up on your diary as i have been a bit selfish of late.

take care, ands

How did 'open mike' go? Were you ok? It's great that you can sing and play the guitar, I would love to be able to do that. Get your husband to do some more jobs....the more time he's working the less time he can gamble! Stay strong russ

Tired and a bit hungover today! Too much red wine last night. Pubs are open to 4/5am here during the festival. Were some fringe acts in open mike pub, plugging their shows. One group singing their show songs were awsome!

Wasn't able to play my guitar - it's semi acoustic -and can't be amplified when the batteries run down - batteries were run down. But I played some traditional Scottish stuff on my recorder which went down well.I have total confidence doing that and with singing, but it's my guitar playing I feel isn't good enough. Would rather someone else played backing. But will go next week and trying to get my brother to go as he is brilliant on guitar. Brother in law is going to go too I think, so maybe I'll just need to sing and get off the hook re playing guitar.

Had a great night anyway, without poker!

Didn't write this in my earlier post as I wanted to pop in to chat and hadn't time.

I went totally off the deep end with my husband last night and told him exactly what I thought. It was sparked by him saying on the way home, " I think I'll have a game of poker when we get home ". It was about 4am and he was only joking which I knew. But it made me so angry, like he was teasing me as I've stopped. Could be I overreacted because he does sometimes say things he knows I wouldn't like - eg " I've forgotten to get cigarettes, or whatever " when he hasn't really and I'm used to that and mostly now I know he's joking.

But he had been playing poker earlier and he knows I don't like it. Anyway, I was enraged and pulled no punches whatsoever in my outpouring. Told him I was sick of P***y footing around him, that I was trying to help him, but that if he wanted to carry on being a selfish ***** I wasn't going to give a monkeys. Everything just came out, how he knows he should stop and has known for years and he's getting chance after chance to do it..but he's being a.. probably every name under the sun..and how dare he tease me about playing. So I said play as much as you like - I couldnt care - just ruin your life if you want..bla bla bla. This was all at immeasurable decibels (that spelling doesnt look right). I am glad I said what I said, although would rather I had omitted all the swearing. I don't think I have ever felt so angry with anyone in my life.

Nothing has been said about the subject since. I suppose there's nothing left to say. Whether or not it will have a positive effect I don't know - but the whole anger I feel is rooted in wanting him to have the life he should, but I can't seem to get through to him and I feel he should be respecting my efforts to stop, and ...oh I just want to give him a good shake until he sees sense!!!

Lilli

Think you have already given hubby a good "shake" with what you said?!

Maybe we can't go forward in life, unless we deal with our underlying feelings? In your case how your partner's actions are upsetting you? Even if meant in jest? Maybe give it a couple of days and suggest a "sit down"? And that will give you time to prepare yourself as to what you wish to say? And avoid a situation whereby you say things in the "heat of the moment"?

Personally, think your "talk" last night may have a really positive effect on your relationship, even if you might regret some of the things you said at the time.

All the best

RayG