facing my fears

WTG lili !!!

From your posts, and the times we've met in chat, your outburst at your husband has been a long time coming, and sounds that it was well deserved, if not at that specific time (if he was indeed joking) but certainly at some point.

The fact that it has not been mentioned since, would indicate to me that he knows it was fully justified. Believe me, as a man, I can guarantee if he thought you were out of order,or unfair, it would have been brought up non stop since !! Whether it will have a positive effect on his gambling or not remains to be seen, but you should be pleased that he now knows exactly how you feel, and the effect it is having on you.

Perhaps, as Ray suggested, you could have a clear the air session with him after a few more days, when you are both poised again. You could even discuss the mutual benefit of getting gamblock on your computer maybe ?

You know what will work for you lili, and you really have come a long way from your first post, so stay strong, and keep up the good work.

Speak soon in chat x

Keep The Faith

Cheers Russ, Ray and Lincsman for the messages - appreciated much!

I feel so much better now I've got everything out that I was feeling and I'm glad it's been said. If it fell on deaf ears then so be it - I truly hope it didn't, but for some reason I am now not worrying about his gambling. The ball is now in his court as it were and I can just make sure I do what I need to do - which is not gamble and try to live a useful, productive life.

Nothing has been mentioned since about it and my hubby has not talked about poker or horses either. Don't know if he has had a gamble but he certainly seems more relaxed than he was last week so I'm guessing not.

I really meant everything I said and am not going to let his gambling affect me now - if he does it he'll have to deal with it himself.

We will have to have a talk, but I'm not going to instigate that - I've said what I needed to say. It's totally down to him now.

Wee short 4 hours of work today as had a hospital appointment this morning. Nothing to do when I got there too so that was good as I had a mad busy day yesterday with no break.

Aberdeen top of the league! LOL Probably be the only time they reach those dizzy hights this season. 4 -0 against Hamilton. Paul Hartley getting a hat trick of penalties! Seems like a good signing for once. He's getting on in years now, but Aberdeen have a lot of young players, so he might help them.

Good enough start to the season for me! :- )

Thought I had got a handle on this anxiety thing, but feeling really bad today. Just can't seem to relax. Got work at 1230 and have a lot going on next week, mind is full of thoughts of what I have to do. I have felt soo tired after work of late. Working tomorrow and have a heavy course to do on Tuesday. Looking forward to doing it, but still feeling all keyed up. Feel like I could explode!! Also, can't see us having enough spending money for our holiday, so possibility of having to just cancel and lose what has been paid on flights. That is going to really depress me!

I'm not gambling - not even in my thoughts to play so that's a positive.

I'm writing this down in the hope that it will clear my head as to why I'm feeling so bad. Taking my own advice about not worrying about things is not easy when this feeling of anxiety and sadness descends on me.

Apologies for depressive post, but I have to write whatever I need to write on my diary. As the song goes. It's my party (diary) and I'll cry if I want to!!

Keep the faith everyone - this too will pass

Never apologise for depressive posts lili....whats the point of a smooth "everything is great " diary...its aw part of our recoveries...chin up you could be me banished to my dinghy flat AGAIN for the time being...keep it going we can do this 🙂

Hi Lili,

Depressive posts or not, you are being honest, and in turn that mean sthat you are being a better person. Well done for telling your fella how you felt the other day, I reckon it will help him understand how seriously you are taking this. You never know it might subconciously inspire him to stop as well. Great to hear that you sing and play a little too. I'm trying to learn to play the guitar at the moment. Slow going but getting there.

Anyway, Stay Strong.

Steve

Cheers, wp and Yorkie

Just keeping going hopeful that all will be well and trying not to get myself in anxious or depressed state.

Had enjoyable but difficult and nerve racking course at work yesterday -assessment at end of the day up there with driving test for inducing the colly wobbles!! But passed so worth all the hard work and nerves. Think maybe I was subconsciously stressing about that and feel more relaxed now it's over.

Meanwhile back at the gambling ranch ( wish I could up sticks and leave that old ranch for good!). Hubby played poker on Monday night at casino - phoned me up to tell me he was going. Said, you don't mind do you? I didn't directly say Yes I do mind and don't go. Why? Just don't have a relationship where we tell each other what to do..and I knew his mind was made up to go anyway. So just said I'm not interested, have to go now and cut the call short. Mistake on my part I should have said I do mind I think. Sure he would have gone anyway.. but then again I don't know that for sure. Lesson learned by me. Unfortunately not for him yet as he put £20 in ********* yesterday and bet all afternoon whil I was at work. I know it's not a lot of money, but we need every penny and it's not really about the money - he's still betting!

It is hard to know what stance to take with him. I had a chat with him about this site and how it works this morning - the diaries, netline. etc. I'm going to ask advisor for some advice too.

On a lighter note - went out to Fringe last night - heard a great swing band at The Venue - lovely setting - various marqui tents, tables and comfy seats outside, beautiful lighting on the surrounding trees, bars and food bars, people from all over just chilling and enjoying the atmosphere. Went on to 2 other pubs , finishing in The Royal mile tavern, live music till 4. We were sensible and left at 3!!!! ( Didn't drink too much so no hangover)

Hi Lili,

Great to hear that you are enjoying all the live music. I love going out to see live bands, always a good night out.

I hope your hubby takes you up on coming on here, but you can only lead a horse to water remember. Take care.

Stay Strong

Steve

Think I maybe need to stop logging in to these gambling problem sites.

Don't feel I want to immerse myself in the "I'm a compulsive gambler" phylosophy. I'd rather say I used to gamble compulsively, but I don't anymore. Been on the GA chat and think I maybe ruffled a few feathers. But I think life is about learning from mistakes, forgiveness and moving on.. not making sure you're constantly reminded of the wrong you have done.

Maybe this is over simplifying things, but imagine you used to shoplift with your mates and got right caught up in that way of life, then saw the error of your ways and started living an honest life.. you going to still call yourself a thief for the rest of your life? Once you stop stealing, you stop being a thief. Would you want to go to a meeting once or twice a week, where you told everyone you were a thief? You'd surely want to move on and stop thieving and live a good life.

Just can't get my head around that part of GA

Anyway just writing my thoughts very late on a Friday night. Maybe I'm missing something in all this

Hi lili, good to see you sounding strong !!

I fully agree with you, up to a point,with your analogy, and definitely with the idea of not immersing yourself in these forums, particularly the GA one, which i've met some great people in, and had great fun with, but have noticed that with one or two of the longer serving members there in particular, it's as though they have been brainwashed, and unable to offer any flexibility in their approach to our problem, to such an extent that it's become a 'my way, or the highway' mentality, because, ''that worked for me, so it's the only way''.

All I would say to you, is perhaps adopt a slightly more selfish attitude yourself, and be selective who you speak, and listen to. I have 4 or 5 in there, I place on ignore as soon as they enter, and those I can't, (a couple of the mafia!) I just physically ignore, or I log out. It would be a shame if we didn't see you in there, as your contributions are both valid and very useful, as you are in something of a unique position of experiencing both sides of the situation.

As far as your 'thief' analogy goes, much would depend on whether their behaviour was compulsive or not. I have a dear friend who is an alcoholic, he accepts that is what he is, even though he hasn't had a drink for nearly 8 years. He is not ashamed of who or what he is, and nor should WE be !! Sometimes, I feel sad that one of the cards dealt to me in life, was a compulsive nature, but without it I wouldn't be the person I have become, so rather than beat myself up about it, and avoid the issue where possible, I have tried to almost embrace it, and look at the positives that I have because of it, if that makes sense ?

Anyway, sorry I missed your feather ruffling !! lol

Take care lili, and stay strong for both of you. As always, you carry my best wishes with you, and if you ever need to chat, then you know where i'll be. (Mafia permitting !!)

Keep The Faith

Lili

Many thanks for your post on my diary. A few points please.

Firstly, think that nobody but nobody needs to speak in your defence! You come over as someone whom can easily "look after yourself". I wouldn't want to cross you!!!!

Secondly, it is sad that some people, for whatever reason, are not willing to listen to the views of others. To my mind cg forums belong to no one and therefore all posters views should be listened to, providing they are not abusive. No one has the right to dictate to anyone as to how they should run there life and deal with there cg. Whatever method you are employing to deal with your cg, it is clearly working.

Finally, please keep posting as per normal on the boards. I for one, very much appreciate your mix of serious and humourous posts. And know that this is a view shared by the vast majority of posters, not only here but over on GA.

All the best

RayG

Thanks Lincs and Ray

Couldn't stop posting altogether, or avoiding chats - would miss you 2 too much!

Going to meet Rusty today at 1pm for lunch in a pub close to me. We've met on chat, and had a long telephone conversation on Friday.

Excited about meeting her in the flesh so to speak.

Will post later when I have more time.

It's only been a few months since I began to stop the gambling life , but already it feels a long way off.

Firstly Lili i hope you have a really nice lunch with Rusty,it will be great for you to meet someone in the flesh who shares your problem:).

Regarding the GA chat forum,i can't really comment as i have never used it,i have attended my local GA meeting in the past and found it wasn't for me.i do use the GA method of money management in my recovery and in my view that is a good thing,many other aspects of the GA way just don't sit easily with me so i disregard them:),one has to remember that it in loose terms GA is a "doctrine".Your doing just great as you are Lili,don't let yourself get stressed.

Seano.

Cheers Seano

Had a lovely afternoon with Rusty, she's really good company. Weather was nice so we ate outside. I enjoyed my roast turkey lunch and a couple of lagers.

We had good chat and can't speak for Rusty but I for one felt very comfortable in her company. We have other stuff in common too so didn't talk about gambling the whole afternoon! We plan to meet again and I look forward to spending time again with a new friend and hope we can be a blessing in each others lives.

Thanks Rusty for a lovely afternoon

Logged on to chat tonight, but technical problems have meant it had to be cancelled, so I'm going to have to move to the other side if I want a chat!

😉

love

rusty

xx