facing my fears

Sometimes I feel that I just can't do this anymore... not that I have any thoughts of playing poker again at all. Doesnt seem to come in to my recovery at all at this time. But I get overwhelming feelings of guilt that I find so hard to deal with. Try to shake them off and put things into perspective. I soo wish this never had happened. I want to move on and some days I appear to be doing that but forgetting why I am in this recovery is not possible. I know I can't change the past and I have to accept it.

I also wish I could talk more to my husband about these feelings I have, but he doesn't talk much about feelings. He's been complaining about me being on chat too much, but I have said I need to talk and if we could talk more about this I maybe wouldnt feel the need to chat on here so much.

I asked him if he was ever going to try to stop gambling, and he said - not until he has his big win!

Lili,

I really feel for you that you have obstacles in the way of your recovery such as a husband that still gambles. But I guess that's the way it is and you have to overcome them. Be strong and look at today as being one of those down days on the road to recovery. You have had many good days, so just look forward to one of those good days tomorrow.

Best of luck

Brian

A few days before we go to Spain on Thursday evening. Time to prepare and some time to relax. Have been trying to cut down smoking - really want to stop but finding stopping not possible just yet. Going to my son's will help as I never smoke in his house and don't like to smoke infront of my wee grand daughter. If I can just manage one day, that would be it but at the moment managing a few hours is all I am doing.

Anyway this isn't a smoking diary!

A lovely day here yesterday and went to my fav pub near the sea. Met a friend I used to spend time with before poker intervened. We had a great chat and plan to meet more often. She is in similar situation at times when she would like to go out but her partner either can't or doesnt want to. She went in town to soak up some festival atmoshpere last Sunday -on her own. She says she misses female company as doesnt have that many friends as she hasnt lived in Edinburgh that long.

Thinking about how great it was to spend time with her without itching to go play poker. I would have cut our time together short in the poker days as it was Monday night. Just feels so good to be feeling the way I used to feel. Found that my confidence has returned and I dont feel self conscious walking into pubs I know ( never used to be a problem) and I had great conversation with someone else I met for the first time.

Recovery at the moment for me has moved from the struggle to stop playing poker to making effort to do positive things and fill my life again.

I'm a bit impatient and want things to be perfect and get annoyed with myself when I am lazy or when I feel disorganized and struggle to get things done. I know we strive for perfection but I know I wasn't perfect before I started to play poker, so I realise that not all the character flaws I have to work on were caused by gambling. Although undoubtedly my "time out" from real living didn't help me.

A big positive is that I hope to be a better person for having gone through this. I think we all will be. Good comes out of everything.

Thank God for that.

thanks for your encouraging support lili...appreciated...as you say you will be a FAR better person for getting through this...enjoy your hols a million miles away from the gambling scene...we can do this 😉

Hello Lilli,

From what I have read from your diary... you have already become a better person by choosing recovery... choosing to start to live again.

From the first day of your recovery and every day that follows you will grow Lilli and may even get around to tackling that smoking 😉 but there is no rush, you will get there.

Patience i believe is something every person has had to deal with here, somewhere along in their recoveries... always after a quick fix, instant gratification! lol... behaviours from the past... past thinking. In time it will all change.

Have a fantastic time away

Jackie

Hi lili,

Does the constant chat sessions help you escape what must be horrible constant reminders as your hubbie keeps gambling.

To keep going until 'he gets a big win' as we all know is foolhardy, but I understand why you would want the protective chat cloak.

My fiancee is my one sensible rock keeping me on the straight and narrow, if she became addicted I would fall apart so I tip my hat to you with the greatest respect that you were able to take control and stop playing poker.

Keep it going and chip away at the hubbie to stop.

Well done Sally.

Love Burt x

Hi Lili. we need you in chat, your recopvery continues to inspire others,Im with you on the smoking front, I need to stop too.

Keep strong and c ya in chat

Teresa

Thanks for your posts. Try keeping me away from chat!!

Although won't be joining you all for a week while I'm on my hols. May post occasionally if able, but will be thinking of you all and hoping your doing grand and staying gamble free!!

Getting prepared now as fly out at 1930.

Take care all, and smokey - behave while I'm away!!! xx

hi lili, hope that you are having a brilliant time in spain, and enjoying spending time with your family

i was thinking of you in the last week, but as things turned out, just didnt get the chance to touch base with you.

i am going away next sunday, and have a really busy week planned before i get there - maybe we could have a gas on the phone, and or arrange something for when i get back from holiday??

take care, and thinking of you

love

rusty

xx

Have a good holiday, hope you get the rest you deserve.

Bon voyage(!)

Helen

Thanks for your well wishes Helen.

Holiday was good - sunny and hot. Lots to do.

Lovely walks by the lake, wee drinkies in the sun, trip to the beach. Medieval festival in the Roman town of Besalu, jousting and all (not me of course!)

Wee grand daughter's company a delight.

No gambling at all.

Hope everyone is doing ok and staying away from the gambling.

Probably won't be posting much and likely to eventually stop as the longer I stay away from here the less I feel I have to write. Life is going on as life goes on, and I have no gambling issues at the moment which is how it should be. It can take up a lot of time reading and posting on here so it comes down to balancing things out and prioritising my time.

I appreciate that this forum has been and is invaluable in recovery. Everyone who has given me encouragement and support I really am thankful for and will always appreciate. But I reckon it serves well at whatever stage it serves you well and some people move on.

I don't plan to stop posting altogether immediately but it is becoming increasingly more likely that I will.

Sorry I missed you last week Rusty, but we will get together again soon. Enjoy your holiday! x

I will still be popping into chat I'm sure for a wee while yet anyway!!

welcome back Lili, missed you but good on ya , you doing great in your recovery.keep up the good work.

Teresa

Sounds like you had a really fantastic holiday. Now that is something that I will be aiming towards sometime next year as I haven't had a holiday like this for many, many years!

I fully respect your decision to come on here less often as it's your choice and you have done so well. But please be very wary of any future temptations and keep fighting off those evil gambling demons.

Look forward to seeing you on here when you are ready.

Have a lovely gamble free weekend.

November (73 days to go!)

Having a relaxing weekend before going back to work on Tuesday.

Was recently talking to my husband about my stopping playing poker and asked if he was not happy about that. He said he thought the problem was I played cash games too and online and that he still thought that if I stuck to live selected tournaments I/we would definitely be showing profit. I reckon that is probably true since I have won money 3 out of the last 4 times I played when only playing tournaments. However it is not the point at all as being involved in the poker scene affects a change in me that is not good and takes me away from the life I desire.

So my man has to accept that my poker playing is not going to be a source of income - the cost is way too much!

Happy not to be thinking about poker at all. A friend of hubbies gave us a lift the other night and he constantly talks of poker hands - you cant switch of your understanding of the game and earlier in my recovery talking about it made me want to play. Thankfully this time it didnt.

stay away from playing it. you have come so far and from my experience playing for fun can only lead one way. good luck and keep fighting.