facing my fears

Cheers Gi - it's ok I have no intentions of playing.

It's my birthday today and I have spent the morning in bed. Should have been working an early shift, but was really sick and dizzy when I got up. Feeling a lot better now and have managed to keep down cheese toast and beans and now on my second cup of tea!

Birthdays!! Who needs them? lol

Going to pop in to chat. Will post later.

Hoots mon and a happy wee birthday to you hen.

Happy Birthday my love, I got told off for having my username as Burt Reynolds, I did it for you and u were not there lol

Its funny you mentioned about your hubbie wanting you to play as you win, even after my news broke, people were talking about hiring my staff as they were saying its a grea system.

Us gamblers cant see the wood for the trees and we always would of made money if we did this or we did that and in our mind that 100% correct.

You are a recovering addict and any play will get the urges. My myself I know I can talk about gambling as much as possible it doesnt give me an urge to play but that again is different for others it can bring the beast.

Plus I love beans on cheese on toast :o)

Thanks for the posts Graham and Snokey -oops I mean Smokey.

Had a nice steak dinner last night with hubby. He also has ordered a xaphoon for me ( it's a pocket saxaphone -cheaper than a sax, but has a lovely sound) Could not find one in all the music shops in Edinburgh, so it had to be ordered.

I had been feeling down quite a lot recently but I realise those feelings are all to do with the past and guilt about gambling. Reading some diaries on here and recalling my own feelings of hope and elation at the beginning of my recovery - The joy of knowing I can be free to live my life without poker causing me to lose all the good things in life! I have taken a wee step out of my negative feelings which are a hinderence. I'd rather be where I am today than where I was 3 years ago. So I'm just going to remind myself every day that I am blessed to not be living my life around poker and do everything I can to help my recovery.

It's a struggle to get motivated. But I am feeling very tired a lot of the time. I have an appointment to have bloods taken next week as it could be that my iron levels are low.

My son and family are coming on 6th October to live with us for a time, so have a lot to do in preparation. Have been clearing space and throwing out a lot. I seem to hoard things, but I have been brutal and have chucked out loads of clothes that I never wear (hate doing that as I always think I might wear them one day!)

Going to try to get as much done today as I can.

Keep smiling and don't gamble!

Nice day here today.

Papal jet approaching Edinburgh airport (so I see on TV!) I'm taking my son to hospital for his gf's first scan as buses all to pot because of popes visit and lots of roads closed.

Going to pop in to shopping centre on the way and maybe treat myself to a new top or something. Later son is taking us out for dinner. Back to work tomorrow, so plan to enjoy today.

Still feeling far too tired - my get up and go has got up and left!

have a nice gamble free day everyone! 🙂

Hope you are having a nice Saturday Lili and playing your xaphoon.

See you in chat soon on my soapy woapy lol

Smokes :o)

Had doctor's appointment today. She says she doesnt need to see me again - unless I feel I need to see her. It was nice chatting to her and it reminded me of the anxious state I was in at the last appointment and it felt sooo good to be feeling so different now!

I was thinking the other day - about how I loved going to play live games of poker .. and was asking myself why I loved it so much. I realise that, as well as enjoying the challenge of the play, I felt a sense of belonging, respected for my game, never intimidated, full of confidence. I could happily walk into the casino on my own and go sit at the poker tables and be comfortable, no matter who was at the table.

Since I've just recognised this, I am doing some soul searching to understand this concept - was it real or an illusion?

only you can answer that one lili...belated happy birthday and well done on your recovery thus far..stay strong we can do this 😉

Have not posted for a while on my own diary. Have been popping in to chat.

Had counselling this morning which was good.

Feeling like I've reached stalemate just now. Not playing poker but don't know how to deal with the fact that my husband is still in the gambling world.

When I met him I didn't know that world, then I shared the poker and casino scene with him.. now I've been there and got out and see it in a different light. He's still in that world but I don't share it anymore. It has changed the dynamics of our relationship and I'm a bit bewildered at times as to how things can be/should be.. how I feel... what to do.. and how to react.

Don't know if this will make sense to anyone else but just writing as I feel it. Actually feel a bit lost and unsure where I should be steering this ship that is our marriage. Can I even make it move anywhere ? Should I not even try and just see where it drifts?

I feel we can't be close as we are not moving in the same direction and there is one huge big barrier between us.

Lili,

I really feel for you. It's not until you can step out of that world that you can see it for what it is. (as you said yourself).

Your husband needs to find this for himself, I guess. If you pressurise him, it might make things difficult ? How about doing something mad like asking him to join you (for the craic) on a weekend retreat with other recovering cg's ? Cash in a few brownie points and ask him to do it to help you... not for his benefit. I guess it is too early to start thinking about gamanon ?

I dunno... it's a tough one Lili. Sending him a virtual kick in the ar se to see the bigger picture 🙂 .kick.

Brian

Hi Lili,

I'm back briefly :o)

I feel for you so much in this situation. I do remember though you said your hubby asked u to start playing poker as u will spend more time together on something you enjoy.

Perhaps this is the time you need to ask him to give it up and spend time together doing something that doesnt involve gambling for the good of the marriage others you will be ships going in different directions and one of them no matter what he says, is heading straight for an iceberg!

Smokes out xxx

You okay my love, not see you for a while.

I've got a black 70's corvette ready and waiting to pick up Sally Field, lets go for a ride with the bandit and forget gambling.

Hope you're okay.

Smokey x

Thanks for your posts Smokey and Brian. I see it's been nearly a week since I posted, doesn't time fly when you're not gambling!

Have 3 days off now and spending today trying to clear out my junk to make more space for son and family coming on Wednesday. My flat is total chaos at the moment. Didn't realise I had so much stuff I don't need and haven't needed for years!

Hubby told me yesterday that he wasn't going to bet any more. I wasn't pressing him to say that and told him I didn't want him just to say it and that I knew he liked a bet and stopping wouldn't be easy. The only point I did press was that if he does have a bet not to try to hide it from me as there's no point in that. I said I'd rather he talked to me about it if he fancies a bet/ is going to/ has a bet. No point in lying as that only makes me wonder what else he might lie about. I said I know how it is so he might as well talk to me about it.

This is the first time he has said he will stop totally and without any pressure from me so that is a start. I'm not expecting him to manage it no problem and likely he will go and have a wee bet but hopefully he won't see any reason to hide it now. Reallly want to be able to help him but he will have to start opening up to me about how he feels. Not doing any nagging ( I may nag about him leaving his dirty socks on the floor though!) as I want him to feel free to talk to me.

Havent seen you for a while, but I'm hoping its because you are having enormous fun with your son coming to stay.

Hope to see you in chat soon so you can witness me getting into trouble and being placed on the naughty step.

Burt Reynolds x