facing my fears

Feeling quite disappointed with gamcare today. No response to my feed back and a lack of sensitivity to the needs of others in moderating what appears on the forum.

I'm not a complainer usually, but I am unhappy about the references to making a living from playing poker and how it's done..do not think this is good for all to see on here.

If I had no problem betting on horses for example yet had a problem with poker it would be selfish and inconsiderate of me to flout this on here. I would keep that subject off here so as not to harm anyone elses recovery.

We come on here for help and to help others.

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lili....in all the time ive been on here i was always led to believe that gamcare promotes responsible gambling ? like you its not necessary something i agree with...basically what they say is dont read a diary you dont agree with 😉 hope your well,nearly a year for yourself in a few weeks,well done 😉

Have just been reading a few bits and pieces on here.. posters being banned and posters endeavouring to get banned! Crazy stuff!

My opinion is that if you want to discuss political issues then why not use a forum that has an agenda for such things?

Gamcare was never intended to be a platform for political debate or lobbying for new legislation. I think we all know that. We can't expect them to change their stance on this.

So let's just appreciate and ***** the help GC has given and continues to give to many problem gamblers...and go do our campaigning elsewhere!!

hi lili, i didnt manage to say hello to you at the weekend. We had a really busy weekend, and to cap it all, i wasnt feeling too well, or rather was getting over the after effects of not feeling too well

developed a chest infection, and found myself on a high dose crash course of steroids to 'fix' my chest, as well as a blue inhaler!!! a bit scary really.

anyway, teh guys on my course persuaded me to take a walk to 'the lees'. So dead, pure proud of myself for that long walk!! As you know - all up hill.

so, while i didnt manage to see you, i was thinking of you.

good to see you still upbeat

love

rusty

xx

It's almost a year since I first came on here, realizing I had a huge problem and needed help.

Writing in my diary was so therapeutic back then and the advice and encouragement from others on here helped me to keep going.

I didn't manage to stop without giving in a few times.. but eventually got to point of not wanting to play at all.

Thinking about what has changed since then and asking myself if I am happier now...

I really enjoyed playing poker..or I wouldnt have got into it like I did. Of course at times I felt "happy" while playing and eventually was "happy" only while playing. However poker was a distraction from real life and was beginning to replace it. Deep down I knew I wanted it to stop, but didn't know how and that made me very unhappy deep inside.

Life is not a bed of roses now I don't play poker and sometimes I struggle coping with my problems. However I am happy deep down that I am living and free of being dependent on something as fickle as poker.

I havent always gambled, just 3years, so I am perhaps more able to draw on my life before poker to help move on. I would imagine the longer you have gambled the harder it is to rebuild your life.

Doing some reflecting as the anniversary of joining gamcare approaches... to be continued

Not sure where I go from here. Writing to organise my thoughts - primarily for me, as these diaries are. If it is of interest and helps anyone then that's good too.

Marriage to gambler - became poker player sharing interest - fun -good times - horrible times - life revolving round poker - other life and interests on hold - off work - unable to function outwith casino and poker table - begin to work through depression, get back to work building up hours gradually - begin to feel better about myself, working again - still playing poker - enjoy poker too much to stop totally, can't imagine that - realise I have big problem -realise I have wasted time and money - personal lightbulb moment - cry a lot - tell my husband we have to stop wasting our money - he agrees - pray - come on here - get help -counselling - eventually stop playing altogether and stop wanting to play - been through euphoria of stopping and getting some normality back in life, anxiety, depression, urges - withdrawal/hangover whatever you call it - recovery is a process.

Now I am working, finding enjoyment and challenges there, taking up interests again, singing, playing guitar, writing etc. Things I did before I married the gambler. But the gambler still gambles and plays poker and we have nothing to share......mmm more thinking to be done

hi lili, just wondering if you are feeling that you are coming to a cross roads?

love

rusty

xx

Two cracking posts lili and always good to read of successful diaries on here 🙂 even better achievement coming up, with the fact your husband constantly gambles and your reaching a year milestone..cant be easy being in that environment all the time...very well done,i still pop in now and again and its great to read of auld friends doing well though I think many have defected to that other site 🙁 best wishes to you,we can and are doing this 🙂

Lili, you may be coming to a crossroads as rusty has said, hope you can talk to your partner about your worries, but we do not know your husband and it would be diificult for anyone to give you guidance on this.

i think sitting down and discussing this with him could make your mind clearer.My heart goes out to you.

Have been spending more time on here than I have been of late. On holiday for 2 weeks - not flying off anywhere, unfortunately.

Feeling unable to move and that I'm on the edge of something all the time. Have such a low mood at times that it is a struggle do motivate myself to do anything. Lots and lots to do.. but no great joy in doing things.

Still have debt, still working and being the main and at times only wage earner.

Need to have a purpose but seem to be just going it alone. Feel there is no support, no understanding, no sharing of ideas and plans. And lately there seems to have been more betting and poker playing at home.

I have told him that if he is not willing to stop gambling we will have to separate.. no response

...I COULD SCREAM!!!!!!

maybe relate could give you that space to see where you are in your relationship?

so far as i am aware u do not need to go as a couple, you might want to explore where you are in the relationship?

love

rusty

xx

Lili,

Meant to post to you before now. I was 'chatting' to you the other evening on GT before I got an error which meant I had to reboot. Lost momentum then to log back on.

I feel your pain at the moment. Hopefully you can get through to your husband before it comes to the point of having to make a decision, as you clearly love him.

Best of strength to you,

Brian

Hi Lili . I remember when you first came here and have watched your progress . The urges that you are talking about . I wonder if they are being brought on by the difficulties at home ?

I am a fervent believer that most gamblers who are CGs , are firstly escaping pain , I for one and so many others that I know .

Rusty , I believe is correct , Relate would see you on your own .

Right now my wife is the main bread winner and I find that difficult . Perhaps your partner is the same . You said you 2 were to have a big chat , well I hope it goes well for you both .

xx

Thank you Winning post, Lee,Rusty, my diary, and Graham for your messages of support. Much appreciated.

Feeling a bit more positive now that hubby has conceded that we do need to have a serious talk. I don't think he realises how his gambling affects our lives and our relationship. It has been a part of his life for so long. I may be wrong but I don't think he will really get it until he stops gambling altogether. It is such a big part of who he is.

He has said he wants to control it. It's going to come down to does he love it more than me. Maybe that seems a hard line to take..but I believe it's the only line to take in our situation and that it will be good for him in the long run and save our marriage ( or not if he decides he'd rather gamble)