facing my fears

Hi Lili, I have just read your diary.

I can understand it may be hard trying to quit when your husband is sitting there doing exactly what you are trying not to do.

Maybe you should confront him, and ask im to cool it off for a while? Or are you purposely trying to do this without your Husband knowing?

I wish you the best of luck Lili, you can do it!

Yes, Ian I have to confront my husband and tell him how I feel.

Thought now I have decided to quit, I would feel better. Alas, I have been overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, confusion. Did not expect my husband to be the one to compound the problem. I was so angry with him when he was sitting gambling. I wanted to scream and felt like walking out. I should have told him how I was feeling but said nothing.

Today at work I was even thinking that since I now feel worse than before, deciding to stop poker and gambling was maybe a bad idea

Things are not as bad as they were 2 years ago. I am back at work now, enjoying it, doing more development courses at work to improve my skills. Not sitting playing poker all day. So why the depression?

Think this feeling so bad just now is because I am trying to let go for good. Some part of me maybe doesn't want to do it. Don't know.

Anyway, weekend tomorrow. I am off work Friday and Saturday - but I AM NOT PLAYING POKER!!

Going to have talk with my husband tomorrow. I did mention today that I was on Gamcare

Also going to arrange counselling tomorrow. Really feel I need it. had online chat earlier and that helped.

Tomorrow is another day. If you look you'll always find reasons to smile

Day 7

A new day - sun is shining.

Plan - get housework out of the way so I can get out to do some gardening.

Go buy some more plants and actually plant them this year. Left them on the kitchen window sill last year until they died, because I hadn't time to plant them, as I had to play poker!!

Just looking at my guitar in the corner of the room. Can't remember when I last took it out of it's case. Will be blistered fingers for me the first time I play it again, but can't wait as I know that will be a momentous day! Even the fact I'm thinking about playing is good.

Reading all your diaries is an inspiration. Some of you have come such a long way.

Off now to live today ....

Day 1 - week 2

Have told my husband my feelings. It was made easier by events last night.

He wanted to go to the poker tournament and I had been debating with myself whether this pressure of total abstinence was helping my mind. We all need to come to know what is right for us to get to the point of having peace of mind and freedom to make wise choices and take decisions.

I went with him. He gave me money for the buy in. I hoped going would help me clear my mind about where I am in all this. I has - but in an unexpected way.

I was out first and instead of hankering to play again - cash/ machines I offered to deal at his table. Did enjoy that, kept me from being at a loose end and could watch the game. He got to final and even when he gave me money for a drink I had no desire to put it in a machine. He won and split the money with the heads up guy as they had agreed to do that if they were the last 2.

At the break he had won money out of a machine which I had said to keep and not play again. But he went to the machine again because "it was ready to go back into the bonus". I stood behind him watching and telling him to take it as I knew it would help us, but he played until he lost it again. Thankfully he gave me the money to keep that he'd won from poker.

While watching him I thought of times when I was the one doing that - so crazy!

So this morning I told him that I wanted this to stop. I was honest about not being sure if I would ever go back to playing an odd tournament. That is yet to be explored.

He could see how upset I was. He has said he will not gamble/ play poker between now and our holiday at end of August. I know he can do this as he has abstained for periods before. He says he wants to make me happy. He has known for years that he has a problem and I know he can stop for a period and doesnt gamble on roulette as crazily as he used to. I know only he can decide how to deal with his problem.

I am feeling so much more positive now that I have opened up to him and I am going to try to keep the lines of communication open.

I also want to focus on the positive steps I have made instead of focusing on my mistakes in a self loathing, negative way.

If I miss one take I will try to learn from it and take 2/3/4 - however many takes it takes to get it right.

Must look after my mental health

Going out tonight to hear my brother in law's band. Looking forward to that

Hi lili.

Thanks for your post.

Think your last post you wrote on your diary was very positive.

Have read through your diary and its amazing what a bit of honest feelings can do for ones motivation.Seen you were depressed in some of your past posts and to read now you want to focus on the positives is a step in the right direction!

I know moving on takes time and the urge for gambling will always be there but with the right blocks in place you can beat this.

Some might say it will be harder for you guys as both of you gamble/gambled...but in a sense i think it could work to your advantage.You and your husband can be of massive support to each other as you both have and understanding about the affects of gambling.... so great step being open about how you feel with him because that honestly will ony make your relationship stronger and help both of you get through this.

So lili have a great weekend and enjoy the band.

Stay strong

Gamble free

Viggo.

Hi Lili,

I've just read your diary and it's really good to see how you have managed to change your mindset in regards to yours (and maybe your fellas) gambling habits. I firstly would like to wish you and your fella all the best with trying to abstain from this problem. Secondly, if you don't mind I want to point you in the direction of two diaries to read. Jac and Gull (jim's). They are a couple and you might find their story very inspiring, I know I did.

And Lastly, I want to quote another cg on here, Stumper, who has a great saying that I know a lot of us use to remind ourselves of why we came here in the first place, it's simply:

I CANNOT WIN, BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP

All The Best

Stay Strong

Steve

Well done on sharing your problem with your husband lili...hopefully you can work at it together and youve always got the support of the diaries...stay strong we can do this 🙂

Sat in the garden with a beer after work this afternoon. Feeling much more hopeful about the future. Trying to focus my thoughts on things I'm going to do and away from thoughts of what I won't be doing - playing poker, going to the casino, stuffing note after note into a greedy machine that never gives me what it promised me.

I am excited about all the time I will have to spend on more enjoyable, worthwhile activities. More time to sleep as well, maybe help me look younger ( well maybe that's hoping for the impossible!)

We had a good night out last night. Brother in law's band was good. Dragged my man ( kicking and screaming!) on to the dance floor as you do. I love dancing - how rediculous that I stopped doing the things I enjoy the most so I could sit on my a***e all night staring at a pack of cards!!!

Next time he plays we're going. I sing and I'm going to do a couple of songs. Angry with myself and angry with the addiction that I have missed too much of my life. But - that's history and can't be changed - only learned from.

I feel sure we will work this out and although our relationship has been damaged I know fixing it will bring us even closer.

Thanks to you all for your support. Didn't have on thought that I might miss gambling today

Wishing a happy fulfilling life to all of you.

We can all do it. Looking forward to tomorrow

13 days since I started this diary.

Have not played poker for 6 days now. Monday and Tuesday would have been certain poker nights and I was off work. We went to my mother's for a couple of days. I had not been down for ages as always had other things that seemed more important. She was so pleased to see us. She stays in a wee country village and Tuesday night is green bowling night. Was a bit rubbish at first as I hadn't played for a while but did enjoy playing.

I drove down and most of the way back. Realised that I couldn't be bothered driving much in the last few years and I like driving.

I bought myself a pair of jeans on the way home because I could - I didn't need the money for poker. Was back at work today after having had 2 proper nights sleep on my days off.

I'm aware that these are all simple everyday activities that most people do without much thought, but they mean a lot to me. It feels so good to have some normality back in my life.

Im chuffed for you stay strong!

When I read that you say you bought clothes and doing what normal people do, it hit me so hard that in the days before I was into gambling I would spend my cash on those things before anything else.

Its so painful realising what I do now and wish I could turn back time. But I want to start staying strong myself and stop being sucked in by this evil con.

Day 2 Week 2

Don't feel I have much to say today - not like me. So I'm just posting for the sake of keeping my diary going.

Maybe I'll find that I don't have need to write my thoughts down here, or maybe once I start writing I'll realise that I do have something I need to say.

Have some thoughts that are getting me down. I started to write about them but deleted what I'd written. I think they are too personal and I can't write them down here - it's just too much to lay open on here.

Will have to find another outlet - possibly counselling.

Will have to phone again as counselling person has not got back to me.

Have not gambled for 1 week and 2 days

Feeling good today

Feeling good today.

Have had an underlying feeling of - anxiety is probably the term. It's hard to describe but it's a feeling lurking at the back of your mind, stopping you from really enjoying anything you do. It's like fear and guilt and panic with some sadness rolled into one. Not very nice to carry around with you!

I work with people and am very busy at work usually. The feeling disappears during focused times looking after my client/clients. So grateful I have my work.

It's a feeling that overwhelms you sometimes and you want to run away from it, but can't. It's like a big black cloud over everything. Thankyou God, the feeling has lifted today.

Still have to give myself a kick to motivate myself - but I am physically tired after work, so it's maybe not 100% laziness - only 95% !!

Still no poker playing - Now day 3 week 2

Have been feeling angry with my man, as he was the one who got me into poker. First night I went to play live game, it was because he wanted me to - I didn't really want to - was nervous as I was new to the game and wouldnt know what to do with the betting etc etc. But I enjoy the challenge of learning something new and improving at it - in any sport I like to play the best I can. At first that is what motivated me to play.

I feel cheated by my husband as he was/is a gambler and knew/knows the misery it can cause - so why did he want me to play poker? He says he didnt think I would get addicted like I did. I was so not a gambling person. It just shows you that this thing is no respector of persons. It can happen to anybody.

I blame myself for getting out of control but I only started it to please him at first. Now he seems to be fine and I am left with this mess to clear up.

Wee bit of a moan there. I will clear it up - and there's no use aportioning ( 2 ns or one?) blame but I want to understand why!

Have been reading over a few diaries. It's really sad to see how easy it seems to be to go back to gambling even when there has been such resolve and determination to quit. Everyone's diary is so different yet so similar. I really feel for all of you who have slipped. I know how worthless it can make us feel. But the good thing is to start again and hopefully learn from our slips. It's not about how many times we fall it's all about the times we get up and go forward again.

I hope I don't find myself ever again in that awful state of walking out of the casino penniless and full of self loathing, worrying about how I will live to the end of the month. Just do not want that in my life ever again. But I have been there and that sobering fact motivates me to keep moving forward.

Life can be boring at times, but that's just how life is. There are exciting things to look forward to. I have my son and his girlfriend and my gorgeous wee grand daughter coming over 19th June. She just fills me with joy. I love her so much. Compared to getting excited about a game of poker - no contest.

This is a time of "coming to my senses" that I hope I will never turn back from. When we're gambling we are not in our right mind. Give it time and a change of activities and our right mind will return.

I talked to my husband about my feeling angry with him for introducing me to poker. He says he thought I would like the game, didn't think I would get addicted and that if I had stuck to tournaments and not started playing cash games we would have been winning overall. Don't think he really gets what I'm saying. Don't really know if it is worth trying to talk to him about it just now. Neither of us are gambling at the moment as he agreed to not gamble till after our holiday at end of August. So I'll just accept that and see what happens after we come back from Italy. No point in worrying about something I have no control over.

I do still have the feeling that he shouldnt have encouraged me to play but I have to trust that he genuinely thought it would not be a problem for me. He has gambled all his life and believes poker is the only game he is "up" with. But it is the bloomin game that has caused my downfall - how ironic!

I'm sure through time and maybe some honest talking I'll get rid of this bad feeling towards him regarding this. But I need to leave it for now I think.

1 week 3 days - and no gambling. Onwards and upwards for us all