facing my fears

11 days without poker.

Had two tough, busy days at work. Now have 3 days off - woopee!!

Normally my 3 days would be spent in the casino till stupid o'clock, sleeping through the day then back to the casino at night. I would have rushed home tonight to get myself to casino in time to register. I'm glad to say I haven't got the desire to do that tonight.

I do feel like going out and socialising though and having a wee vino, so I am on my way to a pub in town. where a friend is playing - guitar, of course and not poker.(although I have noticed a lot of pubs have poker nights now - it seems to be so pupular at the moment)

Feels great that I am wanting to go out to pub as I used to enjoy that but couldn't enjoy it while I was just wanting to go to casino to play. I used to make excuses not to go out with friends/ go to visit them. Result is now I have noone to call to go out with me. Still my youngest son is going there later after his work and I know some of the people who regularily go. It doesn't seem like an effort now to go. I'm beginning to feel more like myself and not a person ruled by poker

Each day I seem to feel more alive.

I want to stick with this. Have no desire to go back

Must go now and get oot!

Hi Lili,

Have been reading through your diary, and I too am finding that there is much more to the ordinary day than I ever thought there was before I started gambling.

Playing pool and having a pint or two just seemed run-of-the-mill before, but a couple of years not even doing that so I could gamble seems crazy now.

Hope you have a decent night at the pub, and that you continue to feel more alive each day, and see all the reasons not to relapse.

All the best,

Ryan

Thanks Ryan. Did have good night at pub.

It just feels so great to enjoy these things again. Each normal thing I do now that I didn't do for far too long gives me such a happy feeling inside.

You see I had got to the stage where I was literally doing nothing unless it was poker related. I was hardly even eating and my husband went to the shops,and cooked nearly all the dinners -when we did have cooked dinners cos mostly I ate at the casino or had a take -away. I was always able to have time and energy to get ready and got out for a poker game. That was my life 2 years ago - severely depressed. I remember the first time I went out during the day to the supermarket and bought some food shopping, and the scary strange feeling I had. It was good to get out and I remembered how I used to enjoy planning a weekly shop, planning the meals etc. I have been doing a lot more from then up to now. But I know I still don't fill my days as well as I could. I still have problems sometimes deciding what to do and then the day is wasted before I have moved! The energy and motivation is taking a long time to come back. It's easy when my son and his family are here staying, but it's hard when I'm here on my own.

I remember before this gambling, planning my wedding in 2006. I had 5 months to do it and did it with ease. I can't imagine being able to do something like that now. But I hope to get back to being capable. Not that I intend to plan another wedding!!

I just feel so disorganized sometimes. Maybe it's just that I have been doing nothing for so long.

So now every time I do get something worthwhile done -however simple - I feel it's one step further to my goal of living my life the way I used to - to being healed, if you like. I've sure been sick. Think I am impatient and want to suddenly be back to how I was - but the healing process will take time and I have to make the effort to help that process.

Had a wee thought about going to play poker tonight - not a serious urge but I was aware that the thought came to my mind. It was after I had an argument with my man and he stormed off. We spoke on the phone 5 minutes later and we were fine. I didnt entertain the thought as I know I don't want to, so it wasn't even a case of resisting. But still, strange how the thought was even there - it was like an intruder into my own mind, but the door was locked, so it couldnt get in. The door is going to remain locked, so hopefully the intruder will get fed up trying to get in and P*** off!!

Here's to THAT thought!

Lili,well done on blocking out them "intruders" ...as you know they can hit at anytime especially after an argument....your right tho about being patient...i.wish i could turn the clock back a few years and wish i found this site way back then..who knows maybes i wouldnt be in such a state now but we got to look forward now and every day bet free is a good day...well done on your progress thus far...we can do this 😉

Thanks wp for your words of encouragement. I hope you've had a good day today ( well yesterday now)

I have had a good day - day 13.

Started off in a bit of a bad mood as couldn't get to sleep for ages last night. Even got up out of bed at 3am and made myself tea and toast.

!!!****** Roulette Nation has just come on ITV - can't believe that - telling people how much they could win. Cannot believe they are introducing the nation to gambling on television. It SO should not be allowed. It's shameful!!!

Sorry I digressed. Anyway, soon got into a better mood, the sunshine helped.

Spent a lot of time in the garden. got a lot done. Got rid of some weeds and planted my bedding flowers tonight. It looks quite like a wee garden now and it feels so satisfying to see. I also enjoy doing it - much more than I enjoy housework! But I even managed to get some housework done as well and also wrote a reference for a friend which I had been putting off doing.

Yes, all in all a fruitful day. I'm back world!!

Each day of not gambling is a celebration.

Let's not allow the monster into our lives - Stopping is the only way to win and the prize is better than any amount of money - your life back!

HI Lili,

Keep it going if you can last 13 days you can last 130. The first 2 weeks are by far the hardest, just keep barriers in place, don't get complacent and you will do just fine. It is difficult but so worth it.

Keep on going.

Well Done,

Jim

Hi Lili just reading through your diary bumpy start for sure - same as me - all the way - day 13 though be proud of that. Exclusion is hard to do somtimes - like saying goodbye to an old freind , i know this feeling all to well ... How the hell will I fill my days. Keep it going 1 day at a time and as Jim said if you can 13 days then you can last 130 and onwards. All the best to you Blocked.

Something wrong with my counting - this is now day 15, so yesterday must have been day 14. I never was very good at maths!

Anyway - Day 15 and feeling good. At work today, should get to bed soon as working tomorrow.

Was "spellbound" over BGT tonight - excellent. Too tired to write much tonight, but want to say thankyou again to everyone who posted on my diary - it really does mean a lot and gives me the boost I need to keep going. I hope I can help some of you too along the way.

Life is happier without gambling! 🙂

Life is happier without gambling sounds good to me...thanks for your post lili your doing superb...we can do this 😉

Day 16

Work today - didn't feel too well this morning and was thinking of phoning in sick. Wish I had now, as got upset and "let go" of feelings to a work colleague. I have been feeling hard done by at work. I work in a stressful environment. I don't know if I am being paranoid, but there have been times when I have felt overlooked and disrespected.

3 work colleagues sat with me and talked over things and they did appear to want to help. But I do feel I wish I hadnt let them know how I was feeling. I love the job I do and have a good relationship with most of the people I work with - but I hate the politics of the place.

Feeling a bit down - I guess everything takes it's toll - maybe I'm too sensitive

Day 17

Called the counselling service and left my details again as still noone had got back to me. Feel I could really do with getting something started. Especially after events yesterday at work. Really worried about these depressed feelings that come over me, especially when I have been feeling happy and positive. Feels like a huge, scary step back - that I didn't even voluntarily take. I keep telling myself to shake it off, but don't think it's as simple as that.

I couldn't get an appointment with my GP until Wenesday morning and I'm due to be back at work then. Don't know what to say to my manager about what is wrong with me if I have to be off sick. SO don't want to be off again, but I can feel the stress of everything getting on top of me again. What is wrong with me?

I really don't know if the best way is to just soldier on and go to work and everything will be fine or will I make myself ill doing that.

I was in tears yesterday at work and just couldn't stop crying. I hope this will pass as quickly as it came.

Anyway hope things are going better for you all. Hope the "Diary Wars" end soon!!!

Hi Lili

thanks for your post, was good meeting you in chat too 🙂

I dont think I have encountered a CG yet who wouldn't describe themselves as 'sensitive' it seems to come with the territory. Its nice in the sense that we can understand each other here.

Anyway, just a quick round of posting before hubby gets back from work.

Take care,

f x

I really wanted to go and play the poker tournament tonight. You can play it for only £3 and I thought if I only take that money with me and leave my bank card at home, there would be no temptation to spend any more. In theory I couldnt see what harm that would do and I miss the social aspect of the game as well as the play. I know I would have no problem not playing anything else, but I would have left my money and cards at home anyway.

This thought was in my mind and I was thinking it would be nice to see some of the players again and it might cheer me up. What is wrong in playing an odd tournament?- lots of people play like that and have no problems. But in spite of the logic of these thoughts, something still didn't feel right about just making that decision and going. I was going to post here about wanting to go and my reasons for thinking it should be ok but I was in a turmoil - so I went on the netline to talk about it - to convince myself that it would be ok I think - so I could go and enjoy the game without the guilt maybe. Who knows the workings of the mind.

Anyway I'm so glad. The chat really helped .

I have been waiting over a week for a counsellor and he will phone tomorrow. I can also wait to play poker until I have sorted out why my gambling got out of hand. Wait until I know for sure that a wee game of poker won't do me any harm if, indeed that is the case. Maybe one day it won't but why take the risk now - and if I'm going to feel guilty about playing that won't do me good either.

If that was an urge then it came from me this time because I thought it might be a good idea to play.

I'm leaving it alone anyway for now and maybe I won't ever want to play the game again.

Thanks to God and the support of this site I feel stronger and more prepared for the next time I'm tempted to gamble

Failing to prepare is preparing to fail

Hi Lili,i have just spent a while reading your diary,and wanted to say well done!!!,it is really hard to quit at first but the urges do get less frequent with time.Interesting to read about your mood swings and that you feel super sensitive,i can empathise with that Lili,in fact as Freda says,she doesn't know a CG who isn't sensitive.I myself suffer very badly with anxiety and depression and am off work at present,and taking increased meds (i have been on meds for quite a while)i'm sure your GP will help...until recently i would be on top of the world one day and feeling suicidal the next day ,for no obvious reason.The meds have stabilised my mood a fair bit,i just feel miserable in a relaxed way most of the time at present (that's a big improvement though!!).Hope you can maintain your progress Lili.

Seano.

18 days gamble free

Takes so much time reading these diaries there is no time to gamble anyway!

Counsellor called this morning and I have my first appointment 21st June. I also called my manager at work to tell her of my GP appointment. She knew of my depression previously and this morning shewas very supportive, suggesting I should take the rest of the week off. She talked a bit about depression and actually sounded like she did know what she was talking about. I am not so worried about work now - will just concentrate on getting myself better.

I have told my husband about the counselling and about how I've been feeling at work etc.

In an earlier post I said that he agreed to not gamble until after our holiday at end of August. We did say that meant bookies as well as poker. He was in bookies on Friday, putting money in account for the Derby. His excuse is he meant poker - and "it was the Derby" He says he will have bets on the World Cup too. Slightly worrying is the fact that on Saturday when I got back from work he was on computer betting and watching the races and he told me then that he had walked down to bookies ( I had the car ). I discovered this morning from a bookies slip that he had put the money in on Friday. I confronted him so he had to admit it was on Friday and he didnt walk down to bookies on Saturday. Can't think why he had to lie about that as he wasnt hiding fact that he was betting on Derby. I told him that there is no point in lying to me and it is only going to make me not trust him in other things. I have a jealous thing anyway and worry that as I get older he might not find me attractive.... I know lying about gambling is not the same as cheating with another woman, but I don't want to be lied to at all - I am insecure enough!!

Anyway I have enough to be getting on with looking after my own gambling tendencies - I really can't do anything about his. He always shows me he loves me in other ways.

I seem to be rambling a bit - rambling is better than gambling!