facing my fears

Hi Lili-well done on the 18 days gamble free. I know how hard it is in the early days and you have done well to resist the temptation to play poker even for small stakes so you have already made tremendous progress.

I was chatting with Seano about many things today and depression was one of the things that came up. I used to blame my gambling on many things--depression was high on the list but I now actually feel that the only reason we gamble is because we want to and also the only reason we stop is that we get to a point where we want to stop.

Gambling does however increase problems associated with depression such as anxiety and can also make us make a lot more of situations than we should--the old saying making mountains out of molehills is quite apt at times in my case.

With regards to your hubby--his lying is typical of what us gamblers do is'nt it--we have no need to lie but we still do as it makes us feel better about ourselves--we are in denial most of the time before we decide to stop. Nobody who is an alcoholic would say 'lets go to the pub because I am an alcoholic'

You are right when you say that you have enough with your own tendencies but it cannot help if your husband is giving you things to worry about as well--does he know about your diary? Why not go through it with him.

Keep focussed on your recovery.

All the best

Stumper x

Thanks for your support. Stumper.

Mu husband does know about my diary. I asked him today if he wanted to read it but he said No, it was my personal thing. then he said he'd read it if I wanted him to. I really wish he was wanting to stop too, but then in relationships I think there are times and areas of life where one partner needs to be stronger than the other. At least I am making the effort now - We are a disaster when we're both in gambling mode!!!

Still that question in the back of my mind - Why did he introduce me to gambling? I'll have to wait for the answer to that one.

Went to GP today - he has signed me off work for a week as he thinks I need a break from work. He suggested medication, but I don't want to go down that route.

Going to give my house a good tidying today and maybe go out tonight. I miss socialising and just don't have enough friends now

So many negative thoughts keep popping into my mind. I'm going to try to catch each one before I dwell on it and somehow replace it with a good thought

Nice to meet you in Chat Lili, Hope to read your diary soon but good luck in your recovery,

Best Wishes Teresa

Day 20

Went for a drive to Galashiels today and took a lovely route up in the *** where the sheep and their lambs were grazing by the roadside. It was beautiful and really helped to descramble my head. I was born and brought up in the country and the wee trip today invoked pleasant childhood memories. Was feeling very anxious this morning but feel calm now. It was nice to spend the afternoon with my man. It was his idea to take me there as he knew I was a bit down.

Had a lovely day and no gambling - feeling good

Hi Lili,isn't it strange how once we aren't gambling we open our eye's up to the very simple beauty of life and nature....,that is certainly something that as happened to me since i quit.The old saying "the best things in life are free" is indeed very true :).

I'm pleased that you are starting to feel calmer bit by bit.

Seano.

Not allowed to say h i l l s - he he!

Thanks for your post Seano. It helps a lot to know others are following my progress and rooting for me. I am rooting for everyone else on here. Although I got a bit mixed up with my diary reading and posted to the wrong person but in reply to the right post! Sorry for any confusion I caused - got well confused myself!!

Talked to my husband yesterday about his gambling and asked him if he wants to stop. He said he wants to gamble "normally" ie small stakes on the races - Saturdays and big race days. Wee football bets from time to time. Good value poker tournaments. Maybe he can do that and won't be tempted to do otherwise now that I'm not wanting to go to casino for every poker event there is.

But now that I am making this effort - if he does do any uncontrolled gambling I will come down on him like a ton of bricks!!!

I'm certain it will all work out for the best.

I've been thinking about this mental turmoil that seems to occur when we first decide to face our addiction. I've likened it to doing a clear out in your house. When you first get down to it and open up those cupboards and start - you have so much junk lying around, your house looks messier than before you started. It looks messier for a short time until you've finished and then it's well clean and tidy and looks and feels great to live in again. You can choose to shut the cupboard doors again when you first open them, but the junk will still be there and you know it's still there so you won't enjoy living in your house until you've cleared it.

It's a shock to look in and see what mess we've created in our lives and minds, but let's just get down to clearing it up so we can happily live again!

Each day creates a little more clean space - let's enjoy the clear out - it's so worth the effort!

Hi Lilli, thanks for post.

I respect your opinion not to support my chosen method of recovery. Gamcare do however support responsible gambling, you dont need to want to stop completely to be on here.

Best wishes in your own recovery.

Fair point you made on my diary Captain, about responsible gambling. I know some people can gamble responsibly. If that is what you are aiming for, I wish you well and I hope you succeed. I will follow your progress and look forward to reading your success story.

I see you get a lot of advice and support from other forum members. I'm not qualified to give you any advice but I will be rooting for you to become responsible in your gambling.

Take care,

Lili

Hi Lilli

Thanks for your best wishes, really appreciated.

Dont be thinking you are not qualified to give advice. Anyone on here can do that, doesnt matter how long you've been gambling or how long on here, all opinions and advice are encouraged.

Galashiels lili...i just love the borders.,when im back home tend to take ny parents out round the borders...last week as small consolation for not seeing bairns i took them to a lovely wee place called Moffatt.....you may have been pointed out that gamcare encourages responsible gambling to which i have always agreed on but i reckon losing 4k in a couple months is not responsible in my eyes...anyways 3 weeks for you this weekend...congratulations we can do this 😉

Hi Lili thanks for post on my diary. Have just read your diary and can relate to some of your feelings and thoughts. I too am getting depressed feelings at times,urges and then times when i realise there is so much more i could and should be doing with my life. Well done on not giving into your urge the other day,My last failure was because i thought i could play sensibly for small stakes which of course didnt last.I am sure the urge will reappear but as long as we keep pushing them away they will soon fade.Will let you know how i found the counselling and hopefully meet in chat soon.Good luck

Phil

Hi Lili thanks for the blong hair day post on my diary 😉 Its great to read how you are questioning everything around you in realtion to gambling. It must be harder having a partner who gambles trying to balence that. I think some can gamble in a responsible way so cant make any comment on that. Its all personal choice. Mine has to be zero bets ever as responsible is a not word I could ever use to describe my own addiction.

Keep at it!! One day at a time. All the best to you Blocked.

Into week 4 now, day 2 I think -counting is getting a bit harder now, hope that's a good sign.

Watched the football yesterday - What a howler! Felt sorry for the guy - not the best time to fluff your lines - on the World Cup stage with millions of people watching. But it happens to the best of sportsmen too - doesn't mean he's c**P. But then again, maybe he is - lol. We'll see! Must have been very hard to watch if you're English. I'm well used to the cringe factor in football, supporting Scotland all my life!!

My fridge is full today -woo hoo. I went to supermarket yesterday. Had to push myself to do that, but really enjoyed it. I bought enough for dinners for 5 days, including desserts - lovely rhubarb crumble mmm and fresh raspberries to make a flan (with cream of course) . beef for casserole, chicken etc. It cost a mere £22.

I can do the budget thing! - but money becomes just paper when gambling

I met someone I know from the casino who used to play poker and hasnt been for months. We had a wee chat about the lows of casino life. He said the last time he saw me I was throwing a wobbler - I must have had a bad beat or something. I can't recall the particular incident as there were a few.

We had a wee laugh about it - but it reinforced for me just how damaging the game was to me and how we become different people when we are gambling.

Thanks for the posts guys.Hope you're all having a gamble free, happy day

Cracking post lili,...isnt it amazin how we lose our money values gambling...i used to go to cheaper petrol stations for the sake of a few pennies or buy the 241 value meals yet blow hundreds betting :- mood swings too were par for the course gambling ...one minute on a high next minute miserable and moody..(some on here may say i still am lol but for different reasons 🙂 .well done on your continued abstainence does nae matter if you lose count as you said the longer the better can only be positive...well done we can do this 😉

How very true this is, losing all our values of money when we USED to gamble and treating money like worthless pieces of paper back then. I am a real bargain hunter and try to go into supermarkets around the times when they are reducing their fresh products without resorting to becoming a 'vulture' and hanging around those sections for hours on end. If I'm lucky, there will be some 9p/19p meals around, if not then there are plenty of 241 meals on offer.

Car boot sales are another great source for bargains. I went to one this morning and bought a Bridget Jones DVD boxset (2 films and an extra) for £1 which will while away a Sunday afternoon or evening in the future. Again, if there are no real bargains, it's a lovely browse around.

Keep up the great work Lili, together we can all beat this terrible addiction.