facing my fears

Had my first counselling session this morning. Good. I talked about some things I didn't think I would have. He was trained through gamcare so that put me at ease.

I have been asked by my brother to go to casino tonight with him and my nephew who is over from Canada who I haven't seen for 4 years. He wants to have a game of poker while he's here. To be honest I'd rather he had asked me over for dinner or something, but I would like to meet up with them. I'm only worried that playing might not be good for me mentally ( maybe that's a bit ott and crazy to think that). I hardly get out socialising and really miss that. I knnow my head is in a better place now and I view poker and gambling differently.

I discussed this with the counsellor, he suggested going with exact money I need, enjoying a drink or two with my family. But said if I feel uncomfortable at any time I should just make my excuses and leave. It would seem a bit of a snub to me nephew not to go. I absolutely - know that doing any silly gambling won't even be a temptation. It's just that I have not been in there for over a month and I don't know how I'll feel.

We (the counsellor and me) had come to conclusion that I started to play to share an interest with my husband (I knew that anyway) and played primarily for the enjoyment of the game, but by playing too much my pastime became my fulltime, costing money so then the cycle of chasing took it to a different level.

An occasional game for me that I can enjoy with family may not be a step back for me.

I had already played less and less in the last year.

I know I've no desire to play machines or cash games or anything like that. And to win money tonight is not the reason I'm playing either, though that would be nice. Having said all that I don't know how I feel about the game anymore.

I am just going to really enjoy seeing my nephew - and play for a wee while. I will only spend the £3 and buy some drinks - so will take £23 with me

Kinda scared about this. but maybe that's silly

Hi Lili,

Thanks for the post on my diary I really appreciate it. I hope everything goes well for you tonight and that it doesn't set your recovery back at all. Sounds like your counsellor has some great advice for you, I hope it works for you. Keep up the good work.

Stay Strong

Steve

Well, I went to casino, met nephew and brother.

Have not forgotten how to play. Was fourth so won a wee bit of money which will come in handy as my car needs tyres and going away at weekend - for my Mum's birthday.

My brother had to leave as my sister-in-law had to be taken to hospital. She was at home on her own having had an operation last week. She had been well, but last night there was a complication. I called in to see her on my way home - she's fine but quite a scare at the time.

It was different last night playing. I was pleased to get to the final and enjoyed the play and being out with people and having a couple of beers, but it just didn't have the same appeal and excitement as it used to. Don't care if I ever do it again - especially in a casino environment. I can take poker or leave it, but I'd actually rather leave it. I'm so happy that I feel that way. I don't want to play it again and I feel in control of that decision. I realise I need to be on my guard as you guys always talk of this "complacency" thing. So I'll use this indifferent attitude I have to playing as a positive reason to stay away. Although right now I have no desire at all to go back into a casino.

My son and his GF and my wee granddaughter will arrive on Thursday evening. Got loads to do to prepare for that and need to buy something to wear at my Mum's party. Can afford it .

I'm going to carry on with my counselling for now as I know I still have anxiety and depression issues.

Hope you're all doing good - keep strong!

Just looking back over my diary. My second post

"I felt a dark feeling. Will I never be able to play poker again?"

Well, now I could play poker if I wanted to - but I don't want to play poker at all. I am quite amazed that I feel like this now. I appreciate the skill part of the game - but can't be bothered with the rubbish surrounding it. Maybe it has its place somewhere, but it is quite dangerous for people to become involved too much in it. Wonder if the game itself is addictive - I suppose any activity can take over people's lives if they do it obsessively - but the gambling side of this game has horrendous consequences

I'm thinking of it today as another card game that I know how to play.

At counselling we discussed playing maybe once a month - a set amount of money for a set tournament ( his suggestion). But I don't even want to do that. I don't have to play it at all and I'd rather not go to the local casino anymore.

That's how I feel about poker today and that's a miracle!

Happy Birthday to my Mum! She's 90 years young today. Just spoke to her on phone - she's got cards and pressies galore already and baloons and banners up in her wee village. Won't be seeing her until the party on Saturday. Sister is coming from Canada (I am the youngest of 6). Son is arriving tomorrow from Spain. All grandchildren and great grandchildren will be at party. So blessed to have her. She still lives on her own and has "all her marbles" as she'd say (and some of mine too I think)

I had a great childhood and she has been such a support and help to me all my life. Why have I been such an idiot? Wish my Dad was still here too, he died in 1987. Still miss him

If clocks could go back......

So much to do today - tyres to be fitted, shopping, want the house spick and span for my weans coming! can't wait to see my wee grand-daughter. She's growing so fast, haven't seen her since March.

Boiler is broken and can't get hot water unless I put the central heating on - just what I need!

The plumber came and went this morning saying parts are needed. Well they need to be got now. Landlord will have to get onto it. I can't afford to be running my heating in the summer and it's far too hot anyway. Such a nuisance - still, in the grand scheme of things it isn't so great a problem.

Feeling a bit anxious today - could not sleep last night for ages. Woke up to banging on the door and nearly missed the plumber - had to run outside scarcely dressed, in bare feet to catch him before he drove off. I must have looked a sight to behold - Waving frantically at the corner of the house! I'm surprised he didn't just drive off anyway -lol

Feeling a lot of guilt today about everything I've done. Think that's what causes my sleepless nights. I try not to dwell on it, but I am ashamed of what I wasted in time and money and the good I could have been doing.

Anybody reading this who is just starting to think about stopping. Do it now , don't waste any more time. The sooner you stop, the less hurt you will cause yourself and those around you

Let's reach our true potential

Hey Lili,

It sounds like your counselling sessions has set you to thinking about your situation and how you ended up at this point. I'm not going to tell you not to think about it, because it just won't happen, I think the important thing that helped me was to accept the fact that I was flawed despite my fantastic upbringing. Realising that I had wasted a lot of the gifts I'd received in my life is horrible, but I can only change the future and work to be a better person, the past is what it is.

Your mother sounds wonderful, I'm sure she'll have a fantastic day, and everyone flying in to see her on Saturday should be a great day for you all.

All the best Lili, without gambling we can all reach our true potential.

Ryan

Tried to explain last night to husband how I feel. He has been betting on WC and tennis. Last night when he came home he l ogged on to the broke lads site to play poker. He even asked if I wanted to "help" him (not that he ever listens usually when I tell him how to play)

Managed to express my feelings ok I think. I asked was he not glad that I had decided to stop the gambling, and if the didn't realise the mess it made of my life and our life together. He does realise this. I said how I feel good about starting to get back to where I was before all this, and told him it has been hard and I'm still working on it. Told him that because I had not lived a normal life for a time it takes time to recover. Because I feel so good and see things slowly coming back and know our life would have been ruined together if I didn't stop I have lost my love for poker. Almost like if a partner cheated on you and hurt you so bad, eventually you get your life together and move on - you stop loving them. I said I thought he was being inconsiderate and I think I did manage to get across how serious the poker mess was and how worse it would have been if I didn't "see the light" - for us. feels like a betrayal when he is still so involved with gambling. Imagine if your family were still best friends and spent a lot of time with your ex - who cheated on you and treated you bad.

Also ho is continuing to spoil our relationship by gambling too.

I don't know if I have worded this properly. Trying to express how I feel. When something nearly destroyed your life and soul - how can you want any part of it again?

One think he did say that felt a bit hard - he said "You let it take over your life"

Hi Lili thanks for posting on my diary. Glad your counselling went well,big step and should be very beneficial if you allow it to be.I have had 2 sessions so far and its definitely helping.I am a very private person really and dont talk about things much so its quite a surprise.

Great news that you didn't enjoy the poker.Think of all the money you will save and time you wont waste.

Have fun at the party and nice to see you had spare cash to get a new frock.

Stay strong,

Phil

Hi Lili,i hope this weekend proves to be a memorable one for all of you....,you often mention your husbands gambling in your posts,and i have commented on it previuosly,don't know if i'm picking up the vibes correctly Lili,it sounds to me though that you feel he may be a CG himself?....,or at the very least someone who can't live without gambling (which is the same thing i guess).Just a thought.

Seano.

Son's flight from Girona to Edinburgh cancelled because of French air traffic controllers strike. Disappointed - but thankfully they are getting a flight tomorrow - will pick them up at 2.

Thanks for the posts Phil and Seano.

Yes, Seano I do think he's a CG - he certainly can't seem to do without it. He had said he wouldnt gamble until after our holiday - but had to bet on world cup, and he did have a chasing spell one day when he spent all day - bookies first then casino.

I can notice the effect on him too - he seems not quite there - like his mind is somewhere else - probably on all his bets. makes me realise this gambling may seem to be about money when betting, but it's taking the best of peoples minds - win or lose.

Lili...thanks for the post..good day yesterday finishing off with a nice carvery...im from a wee village not far from edinburgh but live in newcastle now..its always nice to go back whether by train (free) or a lovely run through the borders in the car...have a great time at your mothers tomorrow and well done on the gambling front...best wishes we can do this 🙂

Not posted for a few days. Have been busy with family. My Mum's 90th Bday was brilliant. Lots of relatives not seen for a while, 4 generations enjoying a great party, traditional Scottish music to dance to as well as brothers playing together ( they all used to have bands ). Obligitory after party session where we all sing /play/whatever is our thing. My Mum was dancing the eightsome reel (Scottish caleidh -type dance) - 90 years old - she gave a lovely moving wee speech when she cut her cake. She is a marvel. Super weekend.

All the family have gone home now, so back to regular life now. So enjoyed having my wee grand-daughter here. They plan to come back in December and I will go over in January.

Have been asked to play poker at casino last night and tonight - but did not go. Guess I'm going to keep having these opportunities - if it ever feels ok then I would play, but I am chosing not to go near casino . My brother had planned a poker game in his house on Sunday night when we returned from my Mum's, (I didnt know he had planned that) but we got delayed on the drive up - so it was too late to play. Couldnt have got out of that one - so by a wee stroke of luck, or grand design there was no poker playing. it was just to be a wee family game. Think at this time I'm better avoiding playing though.

Nice to talk in chat tonight.

Feeling in a good place just now. Got really good sleep last night ( have had a few awful nights)

Glad you had good day at your parents, wp. I live just outside Edinburgh too in Midlothian

Keep strong all

Things will begin to look up

when you begin to give up

Nice meeting you in chat tonight lili.

Congratulations on your recovery s far, its an inspiration to me that someone can stop when their partner is still playing and on occasion encouraging them.

Luckily my GF doesnt play, and would come down on me like a ton of bricks if i played after i told her i have a problem, so hopefully if you can stop i can to, even if we do have different poisons of choice!

All the best

Ash

Hi Lili,

Thanks for your post and for your concern regarding my scheduled trip to the races. I will definitely not be going if i feel that it will result in me gambling.

I don't see why i cannot just go and have a few drinks with work colleagues. I'm happy telling people asking why i am not betting that i no longer gamble. I can see the potential pitfalls though. I'll see how i feel next week before deciding whether or not to swerve it.

All the best with your continued recovery Lili.