facing my fears

Last day of annual leave, so back to work tomorrow. 4 days on then one day off, followed by another 4 days on -lovely!

No gambling for me , but it seems like my man is spending more time gambling than before I stopped -or maybe I am just noticing it more.

Makes me realise that it is a very time consuming activity. I want us to spend time on more fruitful activities. It was great to be away for the weekend where gambling didnt feature at all in our time there.

Have decided to go to visit my Mum more when I have enough days off. She lives about 2-3hrs drive away -but I've not been down much in last 2 years

Can't let poker games get in the way of my life anymore

Thanks for the kind words on my diary Lili,i guess your husband is just carrying on as normal with his gambling,you probably are just that bit more aware of it now you've quit,as you have mentioned before,he is maybe a CG himself,as we all know though the desire to stop has to come from the gambler themselves....,lets hope seeing you happier and so on will inspire him!!!.

Seano.

I've been reading your diary Lili, and i think you've been very strong to give up poker, especially as yor husband still plays and this must make it even harder for you. I know how hard it is to give up myself, as my life revolved around online poker day and night, not having the time of day for my wife and kids. Thinking back now i feel so ashamed, but at the time nothing else mattered only the poker. When i think of the massive losses i've incurred i feel so sad and guilty thinking what we could have done with all that money. But i know now the money has gone and i must try and move on. I hope everthing turns out well for you Lili, and i'm sure it will, all the best.

mrchaser

MY ADDICTION

With stealth you came into my life

I welcomed you with joyous heart

I danced with you to your every tune

so freely at the start.

But soon, you had to hold the strings

for me to twist and twirl

How could I see you holding them

while I was in that whirl?

My legs grew weary, body ached,

and I began to pray.

That's when I saw you standing there

and tried to get away.

I couldn't move I had no strength

to pull from your strong hold.

Thanks to God - He set me free,

this story to be told.

Lili Keep up the good work , you are dong great

Teresa

Like the Poem Lili, have you written it yourself?

If so its very good.

Hope your still staying strong, all the best

Ash

Thanks Teresa and Ash for your kind messages.

Yes, Ash I wrote the poem. Glad you like it. The gifts we're given just can't get used while our minds are caught up in useless activities!

I used to write poems and songs, mostly of a personal nature and lately I've been inspired to write again. Praise to God!

Have been working last 3 days and working tomorrow too. Very tired. Have been moved to a different area at work which I'm not very happy about, but I'll just have to ride it out and see where it takes me. Work can be very stressful and some days I cope with the stress better than others - but I'm trying to stop worrying and take things in my stride. Sometimes I feel that I want a different job, but what...?

Being content I think is something that I have to learn. I tend to want everything to be perfect and of course that is impossible in life. No desire to gamble though and feeling content about that.

Counting your blessings is an old saying, but I certainly should do that a lot more when I start to get fed up with my lot.

I live in a nice flat in a lovely area, have my health and a husband who loves me, two lovely sons, a daughter in law that I love and who I get on with very well, a gorgeous grand-daughter, my Mum and family - and a second chance to live a life without gambling. I am thankful for that, and will remind myself of how blessed I really am when I start to feel down about life's worries and problems.

I am never going to change anything by worrying about it. I guess it's inevitable that sometimes we feel down - par for the course of being human. Going to try to focus more on the positives as much as I can.

We've all got the potential for so much more than the misery our gambling will bring.

Wishing happiness to all reading this

Thanks for your post lili, i appreciate it.

I will open up to them, but it wont be easy, they paid a months rent for me to help me out, having lapsed and spent that money almost feels like taking advantage of them, which i suppose it was, but will have to come clean, will do it face to face in a few days time when my exams are over.

Counting your blessings is a good way of looking at things, suppose ishould do it more often, as a friend pointed out the other day after i told her about my gambling.

Stay strong, all the best

Hi Lili,i have just read your poem,and that you wrote it yourself,it's very good:),you clearly have a talent you should make more of.

Nice to see you in chat earlier,don't worry if you feel you disagreed with me,i certainly didn't notice that,it wasmy first little peep into chat,whilst i can see it may be a useful tool for some,i don't think it's for me :),i may log in again and just watch and read the posts.

Seano.

It seems bizarre that the managers at work, knowing that I have been off with stress and anxiety in their efforts to support me on my return, move me to an area which I have told them is not my favourite and causes me stress! So - had a stressful day at work, constantly telling myself not to get stressed. Has to be a reason for this seemingly mad move. I need to have another chat with someone and let them know exactly how I feel about it. Been crying every morning before goin to work. Have managed to do my job, you just forget yourself and it's fine and even enjoyable at times.Off tomorrow, have counselling at 1200. back to work Tuesday and have OH appointment so a lot af talking to be done!!

Need to go to work and enjoy it...

Feel very lonely . But I'm sure this will turn out for the best in the end although at the moment I can't see how that will be. Just have to drop anchor until the storm passes

Anyway no poker, no gambling and no urges to gamble at all at the moment.

Bought myself a wee house plant to cheer me up !

Sorry to hear your a bit down at the moment LIli.

Job stresses are never good, sorry they arent been a bit more sympathetic and understanding.

Hope the counselling tomorrow goes ok.

No need to feel too lonely, if you need some shelter to help the storm pass there are planty of us on here who are here for you if needs be.

Stay strong, all the best

Ash

Thanks Ash

Not posted , tired as working. had counselling and a talk with my manager and OH doctor. Feeling better and trying not to let anxiety get the better of me. Worrying has been causing me stress but I'm managing to cope with what life is throwing at me when it comes so why let worry cause me not to cope. That's daft.

Been reading some diaries. Can't get why people are so bothered about what other people write on their own diaries and seem to get so defensive and uptight about their way of recovering opposed to another's way of recovering. The idea is to be happy in our own lives and help others if we can along the way. Don't think any of us can either boast about our recovery or slate others about theirs. None of us are perfect - or we wouldn't be here. Whether we've stopped gambling for one day or a thousand days we're all the same. And if someone doesnt really want to stop then why try to give advice on stopping.

Quite sickened to read such negative and even spiteful posts. Why bother to post anything and just get on with living our own lives?

This is a serious life problem for people on here - not a competition.

Have ti disagree there lili...certain diaries came on here many months ago in respect of a gambling problem,..like many of us we were under the illusion that they were here to stop and recieved many words of encouragement...then turns out they didn t want to stop but random gamble talkin figures in the process...whilst gamcare encourages responsible gambling the diaries spoke of high figure bets..i dare say there have been many diaries long before i came along that have caused controversy by mentioning sizeable bets etc...some of us on here tho dont have a pot to P i s s In and basically controversy has prevailed since..sickening or spiteful like you say we re all in this together..i could be totally wide of the mark here but maybe you should read all of peoples diaries and not just the last few pages...mind you that could take forever lol..best wishes to my fellow midlothianer your doing fantastically well,we can do this without the bitchiness/negativity of anyone (mysel included) 😉

Thanks for post Lili. Much appreciated and all the best to you in your recovery.

With you all the way in terms of everyone on here should be supporting each other. You are so right that it doesnt matter if someone has been off gambling for 4 years or 4 days, we are all CGs but more importantly we are all human beings and should respect other human beings, CGS or otherwise and support them all.

You're right, there is a very serious life problem here - one which is certainly not as well publicised as smoking, drinking or taking drugs. Why, we will never know!

And no matter whether you are 1 day in, 100 days in or 2 years in, those evil thoughts will still be around and it's really up to us whether we choose the right path or not to keep them away.

Stay strong, eh? We're all here for us all.