Facing reality AT LAST

A familiar story and many thanks for sharing. We all need to be reminded of the horrible existence that we used to live in and endeavour never, ever to go back to that again.

Life, for us, is now for living!

NT

I couldn't agree more and that's a timely reminder about what life is for. What OUR lives are for!! Thanks.

I forgot one crucial bit of information. A couple of years ago I got an inheritance which just about paid off my debts (by then more than £20k). I have been hovering around "debt-free/in a bit of debt" ever since. I am earning JUST enough to get by at the moment.

Problem is, I thought finally getting debt free would feel amazing. It didn't, I just felt weird after being in debt almost continuously for nearly 20 years. I suspect some of what made me gamble again was about this. I felt insecure having "a bit more than zero", like I finally had something to lose, but also because it wasn't much it felt like "not enough". It was like I had to drive myself back into debt to feel secure again because then I wouldn't have to worry about losing the little I had. It sounds insane but it was like I was scurrying back into my safe hole by MAKING myself lose the little bit.

So now after a small unexpected windfall (of which I gambled away about half) I have a tiny bit more than zero again which isn't much to show by my age, but I can't think of it that way. I must hang on and consider that money "spoken for" for good things I want to do in the future. I have never understood "saving" with no goal in mind so my best option is to earmark what I have and tell myself I will spend it on good things in due course.

I just don't "get" money!!

Coming to the end of a rollercoaster month.

It's been extremely stressful with one thing and another but the worst thing of all is that I gambled several times. I'm re-excluded, re-blocked, basically pretty tightly sewn up now so feeling okay at the moment, but sad that I went back to try to make myself feel better when I KNOW it makes me feel 100 times worse. And frightened that my brain told me it would be harmless.

Now it's a few days since I last gambled I have to ask myself what's different, why won't I go back straight away. Well I reckon I'm self-excluded from 100% of reputable or even semi-reputable establishments now. I really had to put some work in (like a whole day) to cover the ones I hadn't joined and self-excluded from before. (I find self-exclusion is a better block for me than the blocking software, as I have access to a lot of different PCs and always will. But I am blocked with software on both my main machines now as well as the self-exclusion. Also it crossed my mind that you can gamble on a mobile phone these days but then I immediately remembered "I'm self-excluded from everywhere so can't open an account anyway" and felt massive relief.)

Some of the places I self-excluded from I really didn't want to, which was scary as it means I STILL have feelings of not wanting too stop. However I went ahead, self-excluded and felt much better as soon as I did.

I must keep on top of the self=exlusion, as this is all such a long road, I have excluded before from places and then found I can reopen years later. My gambling problem is never going to go away (ie I know now if I gamble, ever, I will have a problem - my only way of not having a problem is by not gambling!) so I need to make sure that in 2-3 years I don't start round trying to reopen again. I am hoping I can counteract this by reeducating myself in the meantime about money, my self esteem and other ways of "self soothing" which aren't bad for me.

Get into good habits and really leave gambling behind for good, slowly little by little while I'm in this safe place.

Money wise I am still just about okay thankfully, and have treated myself to some nice things in the last few days which I would normally not want to spend money on. Feels great to spend on actual things! Each time I do it it reminds me how valuable MY money is to ME and just how much relatively small amounts of it can buy, in contrast with the sheer waste of throwing tens and twenties of "virtual money" (ha ha) away in seconds, over and over again.

Just checking in. Days without gambling are always better days than days when I gamble. They also give me a bit of peace and time to look at what's going on in life and why I am so self destructive.

Well I don't know the answer to that, maybe I'm too weary to really get to the bottom of it.

But I would like to be a better person and stop indulging, there is something about indulging in all this. Indulging in bad feelings and escapist crappy actions that make me feel awful. I have had problems with alcohol before - not something that dogs me any more, thankfully - and food, just numbing out wherever I can find it. And yet it's more than numbing, it's like self-harm, trying to spend more time with the thing that makes me feel bad, so that I have some kind of reason to feel sorry for myself???

I can't tell you the wonderful life I have, really and truly, especially when you look at my life compared with most people on this planet. And yet I trawl around sulking, moaning, looking for things that are "wrong" often as an excuse to indulge in my addictions or to run away from the tiniest problems. I sound hard on myself and I am, but on the other hand maybe I'm not hard enough? I can never get that balance.

Some days it all seems so simple. Just don't gamble. And I don't. I could probably hack away at my barriers and find a way (god knows I've done that enough times) but something is different on some days - I just don't bother trying, I'm not even interested. That's where I want to be! Why isn't every day like that? Some days the compulsion is just too much. Something inside is saying I have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to... and I can't stop until I satisfy that. I don't think anyone who hasn't experienced real compulsion can truly understand the power that word implies. And yet... it's me that's triggering the compulsion. At some stage I make a choice, and it's a very early stage, before I get to the "have to have to have to" stage. Before I even notice it really.

So I need to cut it off before it gets to that point. I have done it with various other compulsive things in my life and conquered them, and these are things which I still need to do every day like eating, just in moderation. And I actually drink one or two drinks occasionally now and it's not a problem for me (not that I ever identified as an alcoholic, but I had big problems with moderation, and never thought I could get to a point where I'd be okay with it). Whereas gambling, playing my addictive games, I never "need" to do again, even a little bit, I can cut it out of my life completely. I don't need to learn how to "stop after one". It should be easier than the things I've already beaten.

Hi feetforward,

Thank you for the post and I am glad you liked the quote. Don't worry you will get to know who I am 'cos like you I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I have just read through your inspiring, informative and I must say very brave diary. Gamcare could not operate without people like yourself. One piece of advice is "never get complacent". It's hard to take when something is so strong that it breaks your own will, but if you really want this life without it then it's yours my friend. I have been on a long journey over the past 10 months, its had it's ups and downs. You are on that journey too but one that is personal to you. I like many others on here hope that you keep sharing it with us.

Keep smiling. A.N 🙂

Checking in after a couple of gambling-free weeks.

It's a rough old time at the moment in life. I actually feel quite "safe" from gambling as I don't do it when I feel REALLY down. I seem to return to it when I start feeling better. As if the addiction knows it can fool me better when my guard is down. It's lucky though that I don't do it when I'm really down as I know it would make me spiral down somewhere totally horrible.

The thought of it at the moment is repugnant, so long may that last. My blocks are pretty strong and I have some other stuff coming up in life to look forward to, so I'm hoping that when I start to feel better it will be different this time and I won't give in to the demons.

I am going to see a counsellor this week and will start to address some of the issues around my gambling. I haven't told any other human being about my problem (face to face) so this will be a big deal. Strangely, I have been to this counsellor before during the last 7 years that I have been addicted but every time I went I always managed to "forget" to mention this addiction. It's time to stop forgetting and really ask for help.

One of the consequences of NOT gambling is that it pushes me to face things so I guess it's a virtuous circle in a way. Just feels rubbish, but better to feel rubbish in the short term than to gamble now (and feel rubbish anyway) and ruin the long term.

Hope everyone's getting along okay.

FF

I was going to start "I can't believe it..." and yet sadly I CAN believe it. Less than 24 hours from that last post, "feeling safe" then, I've had a terrible relapse today, lost a large amount of money and just stopped before I went into debt. Nothing left for the month now. A few hours ago I was quite comfortable and looking forward to the next few months not worrying about money.

I'm going to have to do some juggling to afford the counselling I start tomorrow, ironic, I just gambled away everything I'd set aside for counselling.

You know how I'm feeling. Sick, shaky, I hate myself.

So much for my barriers being strong. I don't know what triggered me, it was basically a question of "oh I wonder if I can get round it, this would be an option, I'l; just check" and before I'd finished thinking "probably not a good idea that", I was "in" and back in hell.

I am so weak. I didn't even enjoy a second of it. It was just compulsion. Same old pattern as ever. I also wasted a day when I had plenty of time to get stuff done that I'm behind on. This steals time as well as money. At least I lost horribly, if I had won I would just have been gambling for longer until I finally lost. So I have saved myself some time there, ha ha.

What kills me is that I see clearly that this is a terrible thing to do and I know it before, during and after I'm doing it, but I don't feel I can stop.

Yes I have self-excluded from this casino for the maximum period, blocks are back up with hopefully an additional proper barrier this time... and I know that money is gone. I need to try to remember that I'm still in a much better position financially than when I was truly in debt so I have to feel grateful for what I still have. Problem is I just don't care when I'm gambling.

I suppose I must care a bit more than I used to because I did stop today before I went into debt.

I'm so frightened that one day I'll get a decent amount of money and just gamble it away. In a way I would actually rather have nothing. You would think that I really think so, based on the fact that when I DO have anything I feel like I have to get rid of it.

When is this ever going to end? So tired and helpless.

FF

Hi FF.

I know that feeling only too well. That feeling of anger and disappointment in yourself. I have been gamble free for just under two weeks so am certainly not a position to preach. However what I would say is this situation at the moment is a 'set back' you have two choices

You can start planning to get back on track - as you have done and like you say put the blocks back in place and try to beat you previous achievement.

Or (Something that I have often done in the past) you can let the negative emotions get the better of you and chase your losses which will only end up in misery.

You were and are doing so well, as I say its just a set back. We can beat this. Try and dig deep in your emotions and find that determination and motivation you had before you gambled. My thoughts really do go out to you. I find what helps is instead of looking at is a failure and having to start all over again, instead compare how many days you've been gambled free with the one day you gambled! If you look at it that way - You are winning! If your anything like me when I was gambling I was gambling probably most days and gamble free days were a rarity.

Best of luck.

Take Care

John

Hi John and thanks so much for writing.

It actually really helps to think of it that way - the days I've NOT gambled in the last three months far outweigh the ones I have, and there have been times I was gambling every day for months on end. So with a bit of perspective and thinking of it in terms of days gamble-free under my belt, rather than thinking about the money lost so quickly, I do feel better.

I know I can rack up loads more of those gamble-free days because I love them!! Those are the happy days, the peaceful productive days. Bring them on. I like your phrase "beat your previous achievement". My best recent achievement was 8 weeks so I want to get past that, then my best-ever achievement was a couple of years so let's see if I can set my sights there. I know, one day at a time, but it helps to have a previous "personal best" to spur me on.

Thank god I still have counselling to go to tomorrow, a face-to-face person to help me on this road. I have got a certain way on my own but it seems I am struggling to stay stopped and need help. I feel so ashamed to admit to any of this but I know I have to.

Half the problem I think is feeling alone with this and then getting resentful and feeling as if I "need" my addiction to soothe my pain (god I am so self-indulgent) so if I can face up for real and talk to someone about it in person I hope it will become less of a burden.

B******s to this ridiculous behaviour, it belongs to the past and all there is is NOW and my future. I'm not in debt, I have a comfortable home and I will be fine. AS LONG AS I DO NOT GAMBLE.

FF

Hi FF

Fair play to you! Its so important you nip this in the bud now! I wish id have stopped sooner as I now have over 20k worth of debt to contend with and had I not stopped now it could have built up even more.

Best of luck to you

Take Care

John

I saw my counsellor yesterday and had to force the "confession" out of my mouth that I am a CG.

On the way there I felt as if I was going to the police to confess to a terrible crime. In fact I've committed no crime at all other than crimes against myself (and lying to others... which feels like crime).

She was totally accepting of course. It was a big relief to tell someone and I felt lighter for it. Especially as she wasn't shocked or judging. We talked about all sorts of stuff, not to do directly with gambling, but I've committed to seeing her for a few months and we will look at why I do what I do.

Today I feel down, the other issues which we talked about are playing on my mind and I feel "raw" in that way you do when you have faced emotions. No gambling yesterday, I won't gamble today, but I feel very shaky and weak about life in general.

Still I did the right thing by going to see someone and it's probably just that these first few steps are dark and scary.

Think I'd better get out in the sunshine and have a walk. It's a nice day and I shouldn't be inside dwelling on stuff.

FF

All I will say is take that stack of bricks that has been piled high upon your shoulders and start to build a worthy wall infront and behind you from them!!

A wall of defense against the thing that piled those bricks upon your back one by one,yesterday my friend you smashed it down, there yours now. Well done a huge well done.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Duncs. What a lovely post.

FF

Hi FF,

It's natural to feel like you do after such an emotional time, After my councelling sessions I felt like I had been ran over by a bus a few times.

Be kind to yourself FF, its a very brave thing what you have done.

I found with each session the weight lifted slightly from my shoulders it spurred me on in weeks to come to confide in my family.

Your opening the flood gates slowly in a safe enviroment take advantage of it and get it all out, you wont be judged there.

Like i said be kind to yourself after each session I found that planning a small treat for myself after each session helped somewhat.

Best wishes for your continued recovery

blondie

Dear Blondie,

Thank you. Your words mean so much especially as someone who has gone through the same process and I can hear that you genuinely care, I can't tell you what that means to me.

Like so many others here, you're an inspiration.

I think at the moment I need to focus on small quiet things, the small good things of life, and keep gentle with myself as you suggest. There is s**t going on around me but I know I have it in me to be serene and not get drawn in, if only I can access that place and believe in myself.

I try to be a good person and do the right thing in life. I think maybe I've made the mistake of expecting external recognition or reward for this, when it should be done for its own sake. Resentment builds up along with all the feelings that I push aside when "doing the right thing" and "being a good person", and I end up seeking "reward" and numbness in things that do me no good.

I look forward to the day when my understanding of myself really settles in and results in peace and the right choices rather than agony self-hate and confusion!