Facing reality AT LAST

Things a bit brighter - I know I just need to get over myself! And actually I have done, to an extent.

Still not gambling, very happy about that. It helps to remember the pointlessness, the way any "win" just goes straight back in, the way it's just a colossal waste of time that makes me feel horrendous and acts as like "an alternative to life" while in the meantime real life is passing me by!

I have so much I want to do in life and putting pressure on myself to achieve it was often a trigger to gamble, but of course I always knew when I chose to gamble I was putting off any possibility of achieving anything.

Had a small slip a few days ago. I say "small", I mean the money I lost was relatively small and the amounts I gambled were relatively small. Part of me is trying to salvage those facts as proof of "progress" but really if I didn't have as many barriers as I do, it would have been much much more. I'm no more "in control" than I ever was, and I can't believe my mind still tells me sometimes that I might have changed and that "just a little bit won't do any harm".

I realised last night that the difference between my mindset when I am scrabbling around trying to find a way to gamble (what I think of as "J****E behaviour") and my mindset when I see clearly is like the difference between dreaming and being awake. When you're dreaming, you think it's real - everything seems so real! But when you're awake, you KNOW you're awake and you can see that the dream wasn't real. The problem is how to wake up when you don't know you're dreaming.

So my slip wasn't small, because it has - as always - left me feeling hollow, in fact worse than hollow, I was lying in bed last night not able to sleep, hating myself, feeling ashamed of the person I have become. And that's after the last three months in which I have hardly gambled at all. I still hate myself. Just that "little slip" and I am right back to zero self-esteem.

I know I am doing better this year, but still really struggling to feel better about myself and about life. I don't think I cope very well with just ordinary "life stuff" and that makes me feel cr**, not being resilient and feeling desperate to escape all the time.

Hi FF,

Thanks for your support today, this disease seems to hook us in a similar way, I also have just one game that I played (I typed in play first, but that's the wrong mindset. Played, as i have no intention of playing again) in the online casinos.

Like I'm trying to do myself, trying to find a positive way to deal with the slips and failures is difficult, but having worked my way out of this kind of mess before, I know when you are 'clean' how much better making money feels. I do remember money that didn't go on paying off credit cards etc!

Keep reading and writing, I'm determined not to leave the gaps between posting that have been my downfall in the past. Hope you stick with it, and the longer we go without gambling, the better we feel about life, and particularly when it comes to self esteem.

All the best,

Ryan

Hi FF,

I just wanted to say a big thank you for taking the time and effort to write on my diary. I really appreciate your advice. My stomach is in bits just thinking about tonight and how things may pan out.

Good luck in your own personal fight against this illness. We can, and we will beat this.

Best wishes

Dave

Thanks Dave. Thanks Ryan.

I feel just rotten this morning after waking up crying and shaking uncontrollably with a nightmare. I am having a bit of a rough time at the moment, but looking at it objectively it's relatively minor. I think that really, based on the content of the nightmare, underneath it all I am still grieving the serious traumas that I went through 6-7 years ago (oh right, that would be around the time I started gambling then).

As I stop gambling these feelings come to the fore and make it even harder. It makes sense I suppose, as gambling was the thing (or one of the things) I chose to block out the feelings back then. So taking it away allows the emotions to flood back.

I got very close the day before yesterday to gambling again. It was "all set up", I had moved money into position, I had a PC I could play on, I was just waiting for a deposit limit I had previously set up to be removed. Online gamblers reading, you know what I am talking about.

I was feeling very "excited" about it all but also very very bad: like an extreme fear in my body. I was dreading the next day when I knew I would be able to gamble but I had put so much "work" into setting up my gambling session (yep, you still know what I'm talking about don't you?) that I felt totally trapped into going through with it.

So I sat with my (paper) diary and just wrote and wrote, and came round to writing about the reality of what would happen, which would be that I would lose the money within about 10 minutes, and that was all the money I had available, so I would then be in exactly the position of "but now I can't get my fix" horror that was making me feel I had to go through with it... So I wrote myself a bit of encouragement and went off bravely to the PC to self-exclude from the couple of accounts I'd reopened, and put the money somewhere safe.

I did it! And it felt extremely scary, and I cried, and then I felt great. And I kept feeling good about it all through yesterday, free of that awful day I would have had, and now I just feel sh** again.

Maybe my expectations for how okay I should be feeling on any given day, are too high. I do wonder.

Here again. Another couple of days gone by when I didn't actually gamble, but spent lots of time weaselling around, trying to find ways to indulge my addiction.

The point is that in spite of everything I am still currently scratching around for ways to get my fix of video poker. Which includes looking for new and sneaky ways to organise money, as I am having mine monitored by a friend (thank the gods) which means I can't just deposit from a card any more. And does the thought of lying to my friend, who's been so amazing to me, stop me trying to think up new schemes? No it does not.

J****E behaviour.

So I am writing here with the jitters once again. The only thing that helps me out of this urge phase is to sit and really think about the reality of what would happen.

Let's say I got access to a new online casino and rustled up a certain amount of money in a form that I could "secretly" deposit. That's an opportunity to gamble right there. And if I had the opportunity to gamble, I WOULD take it. I mean I would drop everything and RUN in order to grab it!

Then the following would happen:

a) I would deposit that money, play video poker, lose the money, and then be back in the painful situation of "I can't get my fix" (because I have no money left).

b) I would deposit that money, play video poker, win some more money, play more until I lose all the money, then, well, see situation a)...

So if I go ahead and open up an opportunity to gamble, whatever happens next I end up back in the painful situation of "I can't get my fix", which is where I am right now anyway, only that right now I have not lost the theoretical money in the examples.

So the only way not to lose the money is not to open up that opportunity in the first place.

Put another way, if I open up an opportunity to gamble, I WILL lose all the money I can lay my hands on.

This must seem incredibly obvious to a non-gambler. But to me, I actually really need to go through those logical steps in my mind.

Playing this incredibly addictive game has programmed my mind to believe that "winning is possible", to the extent that it overrides all rational thought, and that is terrifying.

I know this, I know it I know it I know it I know it I know it! And so today I will not take any more steps toward possible gambling.

So tired.

Just a quick one... maybe!

I am doing all right. It's been a difficult year. Some years are like that.

That's basically all I can say at the moment. Such a rollercoaster of emotion I'm on - though not anywhere near as bad as the rollercoaster of gambling - and at least I'm handling the ride myself rather than being the victim of gambling companies.

I CAN get through the rough times without gambling, I know I can - after all, I do 95% of the time. Like any binge gambler knows, it's the 5% of the time that causes the damage.

But it's no good to me focusing on that 5% and feeling like a terrible person because of it, it just leads to more slips and more despair and more escape-seeking.

I'm focusing on the 95% now, and all the strong ways in which I lead a good life and the ways I show I am a good person. Even though I have fallen off the wagon so many times, it's less and less often, less and less bad, and I am getting that 95% up to 100% bit by bit.

I dearly wish I had been able to stop completely in one go, as soon as I first knew I had a problem many years ago, but it hasn't been like that for me. However, the progress I have made is massive.

I will never be perfect and I won't always choose the healthiest ways of dealing with bad feelings. Maybe I will have a nasty old row instead of listening in a mature manner... maybe I will drink a whole bottle of wine instead of stopping at one glass... maybe I will buy a big cream cake instead of going for a healthful walk... but if I forgive myself already for not being perfect in those ways, I am sure I will do better at staying away from that one thing, gambling, 100%.

Hi there feetforward just dropping in on ya wanted to welcome you to the thread. Thank you for getting involved, I appreciate the support. For me it does give a bit of added focus and I hope it can do the same for you. Take care and looking forward to conquering the thread with you.

Hi Dave & thanks for dropping in 🙂

Looking forward to the Challenge. It'll also be good to prompt me to stop by here every week too, and not "forget" about my diary.

Interesting thing: I had a bit of good news today, first time in a long while! Felt good, and then - oh no - my thoughts quickly turned to gambling. I've heard this, that happy emotions can be a trigger, but never really noticed before.

Anyway I'm riding out the urge, basically I'd have to waste loads of time even trying to find a way to gamble, which makes me feel weary, and I don't want to lose the money and don't want to feel terrible, etc etc, so I have no intention of carrying it through (though part of me wants to of course).

Just a bit surprised to have that urge *because* of good news.

Wonder if it's because I got a little injection of good brain chemicals and my brain is currently wired up to associate that with gambling activity? And it wants more?

Anyway ho hum, off to the gym, plenty of distractions to get me through the day today.

Barriers and distractions, barriers and distractions... they are so key... don't know what I'd do without them (well okay, I KNOW what I would do without them!).

Have a good day everyone.

Not much to say, just realised it has been a while since I wrote here.

I've read some interesting and useful stuff on the forum today, so thanks to everyone.

"Ask yourself where you want to be in a year's time."

"You always just get a hollow feeling afterwards whether you win or lose."

And various tales of people who've stopped for a while, re-started thinking it'll be okay, and really, REALLY regretted doing so (yep, I've been there, numerous times).

It's all been food for thought for me today.

Looking forward to the Christmas Challenge starting tomorrow. I've had a difficult few months with bad urges nearly every day, which I'm sure is because I end up feeding those urges every week or two, so although I keep feeling I'm in the dying stages of this habit, I'm not actually fully letting it go, and just feeding it enough to keep it tormenting me.

I've cut off most access to money and most access to online gambling, it's just that I never seem to fully close the gaps, I mean you can't, or rather I can't, I always think of a new way around it.

I've been totally abstinent for many months at a time before, and I KNOW it's so much better, and if I think of where I want to be in a year's time, it's totally free of gambling - and ideally not even thinking about it every few hours like I do at the moment.

You'd think it would be easy simply to NOT do something, especially something that you have to try really hard to get around barriers to do, and something that you KNOW makes you feel bad, but for whatever reason, it's not easy. Not easy at all.

But it is possible.

Really bitterly ashamed as I had another (YET ANOTHER) slip yesterday.

Damage done in terms of actual money wasn't too great - it never is these days, because I've tied my finances up quite tight, and I do stop quickly once I've started - but that's not the point. The point seems to be that I have to be reminded about once a fortnight (!!) why I cannot gamble at all, why it is SO important that I don't.

I just can't hammer it into my brain. Even though I have it all written down in diaries, even though I've been there countless times.

I can tell my brain is fooling me and that it's the addiction that is like a separate entity occupying my mind, telling me it's okay, and yet I believe its lies every time.

I guess it is still better than it used to be (spending day after day gambling all day, convinced I would win it all back...) but it's so frustrating that I don't seem to be able to shake off the last bit of this horrendous, destructive, deathly habit.

All I did was feel pleased for a few moments yesterday that I had done so well at abstaining and getting on with things, and then within the hour I was gambling again.

Complacency is poison for me - but it's not even complacency, I can be sitting there thinking "but I know the danger is still there" and still ***at the very same time*** be actively doing things towards gambling again.

I wish I could get that balance between taking my losses/money seriously but not letting them rule my life. I have some debt and it really upsets me, and it makes me anxious and then I worry about where I can get money and then I gamble (because my brain tells me I have got money this way before), but then if I try to relax about the debt in order to not become anxious, I think "oh, a little bit more doesn't matter" and I gamble anyway.

How I wish I could "clean" my mind! 🙁

And even more scarily, being OUT of debt didn't help me either. Having been in debt for 20 years, and then finally being debt-free, I thought I would feel so much happier and less anxious about money. I didn't.

Oh and if anyone's reading this and in that "just one big win will clear my debts and then I'll stop" stage, trust me, you won't. I've been there so many times, cleared my debts through work/pay or whatever means, thought I would therefore not want to gamble again... but no. I carried on. We all do.

What I mean to say of course is "We all do, until we actually STOP." Didn't mean to sound as if there's no hope.

I've just had a lovely weekend (I know it's Saturday, but my weekend was shifted back a day this week), spending time with friends, chilling, so relaxing and lovely. I had no desire to gamble and tried to notice what it was that MADE me have no desire. Being out of my usual environment helped. Maybe I should put some effort into making some changes at home.

Being with others helped.

Feeling relaxed helped.

Being reminded why people value me, helped.

OK. Interesting.

I was thinking again about my slip last week. I don't feel that sort of "devastated" feeling because it wasn't that terrible losses-wise (because I stopped). I feel just weary and disappointed really. Almost "bored" now with slip after slip. Maybe I'm not taking it seriously enough? But on the plus side, not feeling that devastation feeling makes me feel that I'm off the rollercoaster, that I have less desire to go back and try to get the "high" because there was no high and there was just a pathetic hollow feeling - not an absolutely horrendous pit of despair which would make me desperate to gamble AGAIN to try to get back to stability. Don't know if that makes any sense.

Looked at one way, this is "just a habit" - I know, a VERY compelling and tricksy and strong one - but at heart, just a habit. I don't NEED ever to gamble again.

I know I AM capable of staying away for good. And the key is in building up other parts of my life so that the need goes away most of the time (and then the barriers work on the occasions I DO have an urge).

Great couple of posts getting out your feelings and trying to understand them. I can really relate to what you've just said. I think in a way you wanna be really hurt with a slip and I'm in the same boat I'm no longer hurt by it and I sometimes think "do I REALLY wanna stop" but I think sooner or later the fact that as you say we're off the roller coaster we really just can't be bothered with it all and sooner or later it will be our time where we really have totally had enough and that will be that. Because gambling really does give us nothing I feel nothing good when gambling I don't feel all that bad as I've mentioned I just feel what I'm doing is a worthless waste of time - so why bother. That's why where here we don't need to gamble we don't even want to gamble. So let's just not bother eh? Stay strong mate. We will get there.

Cheers Dave. That's exactly where I am: if I gamble I feel nothing good, and I can totally see it's all a pointless waste of time (it's just that occasionally my mind will "go wrong" for long enough for me to actually deposit and start playing VP... but very very quickly I start to see how pointless it is and nowadays there's basically no pleasure in it).

So yeah, let's not bother! I'm happy to say that most of the time, at the moment, I feel relaxed in just "not bothering". I've got to stay focused and strong I know, but I must say I'm enjoying the feeling of calm and clear-headedness and being able to concentrate on everything else.

It has really helped (100%) that recently I've got busier, had good stuff going on and had some good surprise career news which, when I sat and thought about it, was better than any "gambling win" could possibly have made me feel.

It's frustrating that I haven't been able to keep a clear, pristine record of not gambling since I really started trying to recover (which I would put at July 2012 when I first came here) - it does damage your self-esteem massively to have relapses, and it makes you think that you just CAN'T stop, but from this perspective I've got now, I think that's just how it had to be for me - learning drop by drop, five steps forward and four back, for whatever reason, and I must never let go of the belief that I CAN not-gamble.

Anyway the main thing is that I'm not gambling now, and each time I've slipped in the last 18 months I've learned a little something, and I am finally putting in efforts all round to bolster my REAL and lasting move away from gambling, i.e. to build up the good stuff in my life.

I've said it before: Barriers and blocks etc are very very useful and important - especially to give you space to start to change - but I am starting to understand that real and lasting change has to come from within.