I hurt myself again over the last 4 days by feeding this filthy, evil habit. I feel in pain and my spirit and motivation feel completely broken. I hate gambling. I have no enthusiasm for life because of what gambling takes from you. I dont want to live this life anymore but going a lifetime without gambling seems impossible for me!
I want to break down and cry and admit the shame I feel and for the terrible person it makes me. The lies and secrecy I have to go through to keep this destructive addiction going is something I no longer wish to do.
The losses over the last few days and years have taken their toll. The anciety, upset, low confidence, worry, restlesness, self doubt, mood swings, low self esteem leave me feeling unable to cope.
I find it difficult to cope with my emotions, with life, with stress and when I feel like this I turn back to gambling and the cycle starts all over again. Gambling is my blanket from the real world but it's the most disgusting harmful thing to seek protection from.
I want a way out from this, I want to look forward, I want to be free and walk a new path of clean living. I want to make the most of my life, to be a better person, to be a man.
I'm not sure how i'm going to do this or if I can, but today is a start. I am addicted to gambling, I admit that but I want to live in harmony with recovery and beat this.
Any help and support with this would be much appreciated
Hi Madeofstone,
You have poured a lot out, it must be an emotional time for you. You are in the right place. Everyones recovery is different but we will all recognise the feelings you express.
Gambling for me was a fog of war, when I stopped, the fog lifted to reveal the emotional carnage left behind.
Believe me it can get better and there are many that will help you. Take things slowly, minute by minute if you have to. No shame in crying.
You have recognised that you have a problem and you have recognised that you want to do something about it. 2 great steps, now get those blocks in place, blocking software, self exclusiГіn, Hand your card to someone you can trust, whatever it takes.
Keep reading, keep posting and people will help.
Paulds
Thanks Paul, great post. I must admit last week was terrible and culminated in a big loss on Friday which for me is the end of living a destructive life it really hit home just how horrible gambling is I can't keep punishing myself in this way. Where does it end if you carry on, take your own life, become homeless, lose your family, friends and girlfriend? Lose your job, Lose all your money and large debts, lose your mind? These could all be very real possibilities if they do sound extreme!
I put a stop to things on friday I felt terrible couldnt think straight head was racing about 100mph, the fog has lifted somewhat this morning as I haven't had a bet since and feel a little better in myself.
On the positive side I have today off work to enjoy, a supportive family and fantastic girlfriend, A job I do enjoy but with my degree should be looking at doing better for myself, A roof over my head with bills paid, although money is low until payday I will get through this it will just take a bit of time to put my life and finances right.
I am going to put my all into being a better person, to recovery.
Mate
IM the same today not palced a bet for 2 days but feel like poo. Hang in buddy just hang in we can do it. Its the worst feeling in the world but mate we can we must do it. we have arrived on this site so we must want to give up. Just read other peoples mail commenets quotes what ever and it does help..
I feel both your feelings. I'm back on day 1 but I'm being positive. I've stopped focusing on the money and it's the other things referred to above such as family, anxiety, career goals etc that are my main focus. If I can quit they will come good and the money will sort itself out. Good luck lads.
Hows it going guys hope we are still gamble free?
It seems in my last frenzy of gambling some payday loan companies have taken money off me for credit checks dont remember consenting to this as must have been so desperate for cash caused a lot of stress and hassle sorting it out to get refunds.
Ive had a good week if not felt a little anxious at times and the realisation of having to live with the reality of admitting I am a compulsive gambler and that i cannot spend a single penny more on gambling is one that is tough to get used to at times. If not a little overwhelming.
I am gamble free since last friday and looking forward to a weekend off work which is filled with seeing friends and the mrs!
I hope I can beat this the fog is lifting slightly but it will be a tough lifelong journey.
I want to learn to drive, apply for a masters, clear my debts, travel some more places, find a better job and exercise more, look after my own money, be trusted but I just need time to get back on my feet again.
2 weeks tomorrow since my last bet and visit to the bookies to play those evil machines. Starting to find my feet again, so many things I want to begin to achieve but just still trying to adjust to life as a non gambler.
Onwards and upwards. Certainly feel a lot calmer and relaxed.
Hi Madeofstone , just popped in to say well done in your first couple of weeks gamble free, glad things are becoming clearer for you, as you say the fog soon lifts .
just take one day at a time , little steps and you'll soon rack up those day's !
Onwards and upwards my friend !
Best wishes ...............................Alan
Hello you, I've not posted to you for a while but I just wanted to say, reach out for those dreams...You can do anything you set your mind to 🙂
The realisation that one can never gamble again is shocking & painful but I have to say, being this far away from the 1st time I discovered it, I now find it a huge relief!
Hope you are still calm as we edge closer to Christmas, adjusting to life as a non gambler can feel a little overwhelming @ times but it never has the same hangover pain that gambling provided!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
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