I started out so well when I quit 2 weeks ago, I haven't had an urge to gamble at all not thought about it and was really feeling good about myself. Then came pay day I got through the whole day was very disciplined, paid all my bills and made payments to some of my debts, then I turned my computer on at night, although I had no urge to gamble the habit was still there so I thought I'd play a few games of cards online which I havent done for years but I told myself its not my addiction, I'm addicted to bookies, casinos and slot machines. I lost but one good thing came out of it I didn't enjoy playing and even though I lost £140 I stopped before I lost every penny which is something I have never done before. I immediately excluded from the site and changed my password on k9 by just pressing random keys, so now I can't bypass it. I woke up saturday morning and even though I didn't lose everything I felt very dissapointed in myself, I feel like such a loser not even getting through 2 weeks gf. Why did I gamble even when I didn't want to? even when I deposited the first £50 I was telling myself don't do it you'll feel horrible in the morning. I feel like I do this to punish myself for all the years of gambling. The minute I feel good about myself like I did friday morning when I paid things off instead of gambling, it's like I have to remind myself I'm still a loser. When will this cycle end? So now I'm back to day 1 of not gambling.
onwards and upwards chris
This addiction continues to confuse and astound me every day. Every part of me feels like I'm saying DO NOT GAMBLE, and yet I find myself doing it time after time.
As much as it hurts and as annoying as it is you needed this relapse because now you have the best support system in place. You've broken access by self excluding and getting blocking software. Although, I would personally recommend trying to find a way to cut off financial access - I'd recommend a cash card personally - just to give you that little extra protection for those first few weeks.
Don't punish yourself too much, you will beat this. Let us know how you get on.
Thanks for the reply adam, cash card sounds like a good idea, will speak to the bank tomorrow, I'll try anything if it helps stop this crazy cycle i'm on. I woke up today not feeling too bad, trying to be positive and not dwell too much on my slip up. All I can do is take it one day at a time and today I don't want to gamble.
onwards and upwards chris
feeling very positive today i have put a block on my bank account which means i cannot use my card online. also told one of my close friends how i'm feeling, confessed all about my addiction and she suggested counselling to find out why i have got to the place i'm at right now, i know it can't hurt so i'm going to make appointment. just glad i'm more positive than i was at the weekend, have to keep telling myself there's no miracle cure for this addiction just one day at a time and one foot in front of the other and keep going.
onwards and upwards chris
I think counselling is a great idea, and go you for not loosing everything.
Stay as positive as you can. life is a learning curve.
Kindest regards
Julie
well i'm now on day 18 and things are looking up, I feel like I have some control back in my life, I know its early days yet but I have got a great support network around me now, it feels good to open up and tell loved ones the truth, and funny enough they dont judge me. I have all my debts on payment plans and they are manageable so i'm not stressing about them. I finally feel like there will be light at the end of the tunnel it will take a few years but as they say rome wasn't built in a day. I can honestly say I have no desire to gamble at all, and I have found that I don't have to lie anymore and pretend everything is ok, I can just be myself and ask for help when I need it, I think the lying is the most stressful thing about addiction.
Onwards and upwards Chris
So so so true Chris lies are terrible and I'm the most honest person in the world and gambling makes me lie. Think hard and long after you get paid this month as will I as its the most difficult time. Try and allocate this months pay towards things as then you will know that this months pay is already allocated towards something so cannot be spent not even a penny on gambling. Good luck chopps
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