Feels like a long road

Well done Loopy for reconising the issue and doing something about it. The pain of a big loss is unmatchable but just think, if you can put the right blocks in place you will never have to feel that pain again!

Stay strong

Thanks Tb. You're right and I will hold on to your words.

A thought has been occupying my mind. When I tried to stop before I always had a one last spin, one last go. Like saying goodbye to an old friend (but it was never for long) This time I didn't, I just don't even remember my last spin or where it was, almost like I was operating in a daze. And it's funny how my feelings now are not I want to gamble but I want to say goodbye, to have one last go. My mind is trying to trick me because I know there is no such thing as one last go! I won't give in, and practically I have no way to do it even if I can't control the urge. I don't trust myself and I don't like myself for being in this mess.

Since I have only confided in one person I am also worried the effect it may be having on them. They have helped me through so much in my life and this is the latest mess I caused. I honestly hope they know I am sorry, that I really am not a bad person and I am trying. I have told them this but its almost as if the words are not enough. They have never once made me feel bad, just been calm and understanding for which I am entirely grateful.

How on earth do you make amends to those you have hurt? I've not stolen, but I have lied. And how do you make peace with yourself when you are full of self loathing and regret.

It's been a tough day. Roll on day 7.

Hi loopy

Being on here is a big step and I've found a great deal of strength also. You've also put blocks in place so it seems you are ready to do this. I understand the wanting to have just one last go but it will pass, I felt it for a while and although my urges are still there they have definitely lessened, it's like knowing the blocks are there it's the hurdle that gives you the 'reason with yourself' time until it passes.

I'm sure your friend knows how you feel and it's good you have them to lean on. Once you start counselling you will have another outlet which may ease that burden.

I did steal, from my husband and it will be a long time before I forgive myself and to gain his trust but I know one thing...i will do it!

Keep on coming here there are so many lovely helpful people who have been there done that and even if you come on and don't write, just read other people's stories I found that so insightful. Also try read Alan carrs book on gambling it helped me understand so much.

Keep on fighting 🙂

Dx

Loopy.

I too have just one person I have confided in and they've been there through everything. It seems like I only appreciated them when I lost and not when I won - just another horrible curse this addiction puts on you. How're you getting on? Things will get easier with time and every day gamble free is a bigger win than any bookie could give you.

Stay strong

Thank you for the comments and asking how I'm getting on. I wish you the best with your journeys and thank you for taking the time to support me.

Happy to report today is day 7 gamble free.

Well I made it and I'm still going. I feel better than yesterday. I had a temptation last night, I found myself looking at slot apps that are "games" not playing for real money just game coins or credits but realised that is just as bad, if not worse since you will never ever get a real payout no matter how small. I didn't download anything and instead distracted myself with something else. I wish gamban also recognised "games" and also adverts.

Today I feel good that I avoided that and actually feel proud of myself. A little voice inside me is telling me that I can do this. It doesn't feel comfortable right now, I feel physically unwell and still have this hole inside. I'm left feeling empty but I feel better than yesterday. I don't feel as angry but I'm ready for it when it returns as I know it will.

I suppose being in a position where I have beat an addiction before, I am lucky to have the knowledge that I can beat whatever I put my mind to however hard it is. I am also lucky that my addiction was online only, with the blocks I have in place I can't access my fix so quite simply I can't do it even if I can't beat the urges. Should my addiction have involved visiting betting shops, casinos or physical machines I do not know if I could have got this far. I am also lucky to have only had this addiction for a short time so I still remember my life without the addiction. I see on here people with 10/20/30 years of gambling and I wonder how they are able to regain their sense of self, of who they are, when something has been part of you so long. That must be infinitely more difficult than my couple of years. So in short I can counting my blessings of which there are many if I just take the time to acknowledge it.

I have spent some time reading on these forums and must say you are a very supportive and wise group of people. I am going to keep updating here as I feel I am more accountable.

Day 8.

Slept much better and feel generally a bit more at peace with my situation. So far what has helped is to keep busy and distracted, visit these forums, reading and when I have any thoughts about gambling remembering why I have given up in the first place.

I am starting to become concerned about my debt repayments, I can make them but it will be tight. Thinking about maybe contacting an organisation like stepchange but want to avoid it if at all possible because I know my credit record will get trashed. Will have to see how my money works out and what will be best.

In general feeling alot more calm and positive.

Day 9

Still trying to keep busy and noticed the urges mainly come when I'm not doing other things. Feeling positive.

Hi loopy

Boredom played a big part in my gambling so I understand! So glad you are feeling more positive.....you can do this!

We are all here to support each other 🙂

Dx

Thank you Donna 🙂 what helped for you? Was it keeping busy and distracted?

Day 10

Again just trying to keep busy with other things to take my mind off the situation. The urges come when I stop but I somehow manage to talk myself round. I keep thinking to myself but what if I just played the free game each day but realistically I know that can't happen and anyway I couldn't log in even if I tried!

Last night I told a friend about my addiction, which is just the 2nd person I told. He is always a good listener and although a bit surprised he said it sounded like I was taking all the right steps to get on top of things. It was reallly reassuring. I hope slowly I can manage to open up to people but I still feel shame and disgust with myself. But so far so good, I know I can't expect to feel OK straight away so just taking one day at a time.

Loopy Lou wrote: Thank you Donna 🙂 what helped for you? Was it keeping busy and distracted?

Day 10

Again just trying to keep busy with other things to take my mind off the situation. The urges come when I stop but I somehow manage to talk myself round. I keep thinking to myself but what if I just played the free game each day but realistically I know that can't happen and anyway I couldn't log in even if I tried!

Last night I told a friend about my addiction, which is just the 2nd person I told. He is always a good listener and although a bit surprised he said it sounded like I was taking all the right steps to get on top of things. It was reallly reassuring. I hope slowly I can manage to open up to people but I still feel shame and disgust with myself. But so far so good, I know I can't expect to feel OK straight away so just taking one day at a time.

Yes keep as busy as possible! I'm a sahm so my days can be so mundane, when I'm not cleaning or taking care of my mum I've found binge watching on Netflix a good distraction haha

I can relate to the feeling of shame I've only told my sister and my husband but it is good to talk about it, when nobody knew I was making myself ill with the stress and anxiety.

Congrats on double digits btw!

....one day at a time 🙂

Dx

Donna your situation sounds alot like mine! It was almost like I had found a way of escaping for a while, something thrilling and exciting. I've started on box sets in the evening now and a good word game on my phone.

Day 11.... But only just.

Thank goodness for downloading gamban on my devices when I was in the right frame of mind. Last night I gave in to some moment of stupidity and downloaded a slots app on my phone, however when I tried to open it gamban blocked me from "communicating with the server" . I am so pleased today that it did but at the time i was sort of tempted to try another one but I managed to drag myself away. If it had worked I don't even know what I would do since I have no card to deposit money with it was almost like I just needed to see it go make sure it was still there.

I can't wait to start counselling and being able to do something about my head which feels like a mess. Doing my best to keep busy, the evenings are the hardest time.

Day 12

No more blips to report. My general mood is low like something is missing, it's that feeling of being empty inside. I am keeping busy but when I stop the feeling just sweeps over me like a wave and I have to fight my way to the top rather than be dragged down. I feel right now I am closer to sinking than floating but I will not give up. I think my biggest problem is that without the gambling it is showing me just how poor my mental health is in general or how I was just covering one problem with another.

I told another friend this morning about this whole situation. She was surprised but she explained she felt like I had been keeping something from her the last few weeks (which is when I have been rock bottom). She knew something was wrong.

I have found the hardest part is getting the words out and fearing the reaction. I've now told 3 people and each of them have been surprised but supportive. The one thing in common is they all knew something was wrong or different with me but didn't know what.

There I was thinking everything was OK but actually all along all I was doing is fooling myself and no one else.

Hard to beleive I haven't been here in so long. I started to find some posts quite triggering so took a step back from the forum. But I'm back to check in.

Proud to say Day 50 and still going strong.

Things seem to be going well. I am not constantly thinking of gambling any more. Things are different I suppose although I still feel awkward when I see an advert. Gambling ads really need to banned the same as alcohol and cigarettes but that's a discussion for another thread another day. My mood is improved. Slowly regaining control of money I'm still in debt and will be for a while but at least I'm no longer borrowing to fund a habit. Counselling is going well. Still have gamstop in place and gamban on all devices.

I'm aware there will good times and bad I generally feel in an ok place.

If you are reading this and you are unsure if now is the right time my advice would be try it. Giving up feels bad but you gain so much more and that is better than any win.

I will keep going moving forward and occasionally check in.

Wishing everyone strength and determination.

Hi Loopy Lou

Congratulations on your day 50, and keep looking forwards and keeping up the great work.

Thank you in addition for your kind and encouraging words to others on the forum.

Warm regards

Leigh

Forum Admin