Festina Lente

Hi Lazarus... great post!. Cycling is just awesome isn't it. Yesterday was just perfect cycling weather, dry, less wind, not cold and like you I find myself trying to catch some 12 year old bmxer who seems to whizz pass me with ease.

I think I might go back and read some of your posts to me. Your posts calm me when I feel like the frightened rabbit in head lights. Its worst in the mornings.

Anyway am pleased to read that life is good in your world and thoughts of gambling are far away. Regards... S.A 🙂

Day 699, 99 more sleeps till World Cup! All is well and good.

Day 700, another milestone reached all through patient baby steps. I honestly can't remember my last bet, I just remember it was a roller coaster of a several week binge where the stakes gradually got higher and higher, the stress, joy, anxiety, sleeplessness, endless energy all increased too. It was a gut wrenching, despairing relief when it all ended and the ride was over. Hated myself in a worn out way. The only way to escape the madness of the 'ride,' for me is to lose everything. Only then it stops.

I used to be frustrated and terrified of my addiction because I had no control over it, it controlled me when and how it wanted. I would swear a thousand times before breakfast to not gamble just for today only to find myself somehow materialised in the bookies at lunchtime licking my lips and looking forward to the races later on. It had been like this for decades and destabilised my happiness, isolated me, robbed me of time and energy.

No more, not now, not for the last 700 days. The early stages were painful, frightening at times and full off trepidation as I slept with one eye open waiting, confidentially for my relapse to occur. Yet now I'm the opposite, I'm free. I take my medicine by reading here and I recollect and reinforce what a waste of time gambling is. I'm learning to be patient, responsible even. I used to be someone who would always self destruct, I thought the world was a dull, miserable place but since I put some distance between myself and that last bet my eyes began to reopen and I began to mature, become content.

I'm really pleased with my progress, I truly believe I owe it all to this site and the eclectic mix of personalities, stories and experiences I have encountered.

Today as always is my 700th day of celebration, a day where I will win again, a day without a bet.

Next milestone is the 2 year mark. Patience is the key.

Hey Lazarus

Just wanted to congratulate you on your achievement in reaching your target milestone. There is nothing better than being free from something that causes so much destruction and devastation in our lives.

Well done.

Feb.

Morning.

Many thanks for your kind words.

Congratulations on 700 days. Look forward to reading your 2 year post!

Best wishes,

gazza

Hi Lazarus,

Stopping by to congratulate you on fantastic achievement so far. Keep it up and be proud. Day at avtime, no looking back 🙂

All the best

Sandra x

Steve

Fella glad to read your cycling off those pounds or should I say in today's currency kilo's off I keep gifting you my friend lol.

Sounds like the old competitive side got the better of you and I make no apology for howling out loud at your misfortune!!

I had a thought of you and the new tash, maybe a bone shaker is what you need or a farthing!!

That would slow you down.

Brilliant to read as always, thanks for sharing, I will look forward to cheering you over the two years continued abstinence milestone

Duncs stepping forward never back

Great stuff on your 700 plus gambling free days! An excellent achievement for sure.

I relate to what you say. For me it sometimes felt like such a relief to run out of funds so that I could finally leave the gambling hell hole and go home and lick my wounds and wallow in my own self-imposed misery.

Two years just around the corner. First class that man!... regards... S.A

Laz,

Another terrific post to read this morning. Fabulous achievement surpassing 700 days gamble free. You deserve all the happiness and self pride that that provides. Your worked hard for it and so earned it.

Keep up the great work.

Tomso.

Well done fella. 700 is a proper bad a**, imposing number. Represents a solid foundation that you can now build on which ever way you like.

All the best for the future

well done going this far

Bought a newspaper this morning at the newsagents. The friendly newsagent said 'are you having a free bet?' I replied 'huh?'' To which he replied 'There is a free £5 bet in today's newspaper!' To be honest I'd never noticed this and I thought it was strange to ask because he's a Muslim and gambling is usually a taboo subject but then again so is P*********y as I noticed the jazz mags stretched provocatively across the top shelf, I checked again then once more to make sure. Maybe he was a lapsed Muslim or at least not too conservative. I let him finish off his long drag in an e-cigarette before replying courteously 'no thanks, the last 'free bet' cost me a fortune, I'm a compulsive gambler.' He seemed to understand and I left the shop with one last glance towards the top shelf to be extra certain.

The point of this story, and there is a point, is this. If I was a married man, who had owned up about his gambling problems, to his other half then later that day there would have been murder. As I was reading the daily rubbish, digesting the political mishaps and celebrity misdemeanours as well as a couple of croissants, I noticed to my amazement that the 'free' £5 betting token had already been cut out if the paper. How did this happen? Was it the overly polite newsagent puffing away menacingly on his fake tobacco. Or was the crime committed at the depot in the early hours of the morning. Maybe a scouser had been going around that morning with razor blades on his fingers hoping to place enough bets to feed his insatiable desire. Who knows. Yet what is certain is that if I was married then there is no way I would have been believed, not even Walter White could have convinced anyone that I hadn't given in to temptation. I wanted to take the paper back and complain but how can an ex gambler, who previously made a point about not gambling, return to the shop to want a paper with a token in which he has no intention to use. There are principles involved yes, but it's all very confusing.

Anyway, the bottom line is I'm not married but that unshakable response of trying to justify my honesty when I have hidden and lied about my gambling in the past, is still with me. Yet, this is not such a heavy burden in retrospect, maybe if I'm lucky enough to reach a couple of decades gamble free then this type of reaction would not materialise. Just over 700 days is not such a long time when you compare that to 30 years gambling. One day though, those anxieties brought on by gambling and having to lie, deceive and cover your tracks constantly will be gone forever and I shall patiently look forward to that day.

Steg

hi steg , just to say thanks for your post,s on my diary it is much appreciated , Also read your last post on your diary and it cheered me up as i found that post very funny , thanks simon

You are such a clever wordsmith. Have just read a book called Nod by Adrain Barnes which so reminded me of your style and as SA says you are able to say the right thing at the right time in so many diaries.

Keep up the good work.

I was absolutely miserable old B*****r in mine today, waiting for godot no less but feel much better now I have excreted some of the angry bile so think these diaries work in many different ways.

xxx

Interesting story Steg I enjoyed reading it.

At my little local Asda I notice that there is seldom a queue for the self-service tills but always a queue for the kiosk. Why is this I ask myself? The answer in my mind is that most people are addicts in one form or another.. its either cigarettes, a bottle of vodka or a lucky dip and two number 7's. For me I have no reason to go to the kiosk anymore, the chocolate bars are next to the self service tills 🙂

As you say, 700 plus gambling free days is great (and it is great) but also still towards the start of the journey if you look at recovery in terms of a life times journey. I guess the hang over from years of gambling stays with us for several years in one form or another... even when not actually gambling anymore... the old behaviours I mean. Character change from within is a slow old process I think.

Warm regards... S.A